Caught and my world is turned upside down.

[ComingInHot]

well, so much for perspective I guess*

 

It's MEE,

I know the days long and the nights longer but how'ya doin' lady?

Any affirmative on Anything yet?

 

Keep your chin up. Keep talking it out w/fam & friends.*

[Its_MEE]

It's not about if you wouldn't of done it... You'd be eating Icecream (pretty stupid) its about I did it NOW WHAT?! That's why I'm here.. I know his oldest daughter.. Is thinking what you're thinking.. She's 18. She hates me. That sucks. So bad.. You're not his daughter though... You can F off. You wish nothing nice for me. You're chuckling and smirking at my hurt.. That's fine.. But go laugh somewhere else.

[William]

Moderation stopping by to clean up some inflammatory content and remind members to address the topic and avoid characterization of other members and attendant cross-talk which detracts from addressing the topic. Moderation didn't read the whole thread but evidently someone 'got caught and my world is upside down'.

 

 

Regarding the 'ignore list', simply click on any member's username and select 'view public profile'. In profile view, look below the username for the 'user lists' menu. Select 'add to ignore list' from the menu items. Confirm the choice on the resultant screen. Done. Carry on.

Edited May 3, 2013 by William

[Its_MEE]

I'm sorry I all for my lash out. Even to you YL. I'm not gonna lie... Today has been the hardest thus far. Holy crap am I unstable. I had a meeting with my boss for missing Wednesday and not notifying him but instead telling a coworker. Got written up. I was honest and told him that I was going through some heave personal stuff and I was functioning as best as I could. (I am a very efficient worker). Again we broke NC.. And did the same thing as yesterday... Talked... Words... I'm drowning here. Weak, body pain, light headed. But none of this is due to my guilt I'll admit. Some of it maybe... But mostly... Because I can't deal... It hasn't clicked... It won't for a while I think.

[Its_MEE]

I know I should talk to someone... But I can't... I need to be alone... I shouldn't even be around the kid right now... So unhealthy... I CANNOT snap out if it today. I'm sitting in the car, just got out of work, and just wanna sleep here. Help me stand up..... He admitted that she wants to come back to the house.. Which means what?? She's coming back. He wouldn't tell me that though... He said he hasn't agreed to it because he DOESNT KNOW. I can't.. OMG

[Praying4Peace]

Okay. Breathe. I've been there. Just take a deep breath.

 

Have you done everything you possibly can do to let him know how you feel? I think so.

 

Now do not worry about anything else. Don't worry about things that you CANNOT control. We're on the same page about that, right? That you can't control it? Just make peace with that statement and take a step back.

 

Whatever is meant to be will happen. There's nothing else you can do and your inability to see this is going to drive you insane.

 

Have you seen a therapist? I know it feels like its not going to help but it will help you catch your breath and not continute spiraling downwards.

 

Listen- I've been where you are. I know you're in the THICK of it because you're actually talking to him and hearing all the stuff you want to hear and hold on to. If she comes back to the house ITS OKAY. This needs to happen whether they stay together or whether they break up. Her coming back is inevitable- her life is in shambles right now too.

 

I hope you have an okay night. Take a long bath, take something to help you sleep and get some rest bc lack of sleep and worry will drive you insane in itself.

[stillafool]

I'll bet anything he is begging the wife to come back home. Its MEE you will never know the truth until you talk to the wife. This is all going according to script.

[2sunny]

Communicate with his wife with honesty.

 

She will tell you what's really happening in their camp.

 

You need a new job ASAP!

[georgia girl]

MEE,

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, this is I believe a serious relationship flaw of affairs. One person is always more invested in the other person. There really isn't a lot of emotional equity except in rare cases that I read here. The married partner has two loves - regardless of what he/she says - and the single partner has only one love. One has divided loyalties (and thus, a soft place to land) and the other has only one focus.

 

And here's why its such a big deal. In a regular relationship, we learn a lot of useful skills. We watch our chosen partner and we assess their honesty. Do their words match their actions? When they say there are somewhere, does it largely appear to be true? When they say they will be here at a particular time, does that happen? Are they reliable? Do you meet his family and friends? Are they good people that you would like?

 

In an affair, a lot of those opportunities to test someone's veracity can be masked. There are so many other factors in play that it's "okay" if they are not forthcoming about where they are and what they're doing; if they have to cancel or show up late; if you can't get to know the rest of his life. Those are part of what another poster called the "little compromises" you make in an affair.

 

But the result is that it skews one's perception of honesty. Because you are constantly factoring in that the partner WANTED to do something but COULDN'T due to the nature of the relationship, I think it leads one to be a little more optimistic about that person's total veracity. Therefore, it makes it so much easier to believe everything one hears - especially when what he's saying is exactly what you want to hear.

 

If you could take a step back and really assess him dispassionately, I think you would see some critical truths. First, its in his best interest to lie to you right now. He's reasonably sure that the only information you are getting about his home life (you're not talking to her) is through him. So, rather than say that he's actively negotiating to bring her home; he says the opposite. That she wants to come home. (I think logically you'll see that she is likely setting all sorts of conditions about her return tot he house right now... what he will do, what he will not do.)

 

I would also point out that she left voluntarily and has every right to return voluntarily as another poster put it. So, she doesn't have to seek his permission. That means that again, they are very likely negotiating her return.

 

Finally, her whole life is at that house. Her family, her belongings... heck, even her mail. It's also expensive to live in a hotel for too long. As a family unit, they have to make sure that the bills get paid and that life goes on regardless of the affair.

 

Conversely for you, this is all an incredible shock. You believed him. Everything that he said about how much he loved you, how much he wanted a future with you and how much he doesn't want her home. Plus, you are still so invested in that love and that future that anything that says its threatened is scary. Further, because the scariness would naturally make you more resolved to force things to work out the way you want them to (you sound like a strong lady), you're channelling emotions to a higher intensity as in fight or flight mode.

 

You need to take a break emotionally from this roller coaster for a day or two. Escape somehow. Take your child to the movies, go for a day trip somewhere, hang out with a good friend or simply turn off your phone. In my opinion, if you could escape the situation for 48 hours, you could let your emotions settle. That will put you in the best position to react to what comes next and to really put yourself at the focus of your energies. Your focus right now is on him and your relationship. Instead, it should be on you, your life and what you want for you and your child.

 

Best of luck. Please take care.

[William]

Thread starter, should you desire more input or wish to provide more information, please alert on this post and make a request of moderation. Thanks.