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Caught and my world is turned upside down.

Its_MEE

By Its_MEE
in The Other Man / Woman

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2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted
Please don't confuse what I said as a sign of psychotic-ness... I don't know what I'll do. I stated I have a right because I am the third side to this story. I have never been in a situation like this and I am losing it. I know this is so so cliche but he loves me. i feel his pain, he feels mine, I have sympathy for him as well... I've apologized for pressuring him but we can't be sooooo surprised at what's happening. We talked about what would happen all the time. I don't have any sort of pride and sense of "entitlement" right now. I'm just lost and now that D DAY has come.... Everything needs to be laid out there. Now she has to make a conscious decision and if it were me..... I'd like to know everything.

 

I think you should at this point , have expectations of having your relationship , feelings, and truth validated. You are valid, this is happening. You have been until now, participating in someone else's life without their knowledge . That's wrong. Changing that both validates you while at the same time finally validating his wife . If he is opposed to doing either, that's a matter of character.

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DelusionalOne Established Member

DelusionalOne

Posted
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There is no doubt that he loves you very deeply.

 

The love works quite well in the affair compartment. But, your guy has another compartment which is his wife, family, and kids. Most cheating MM unknowingly create compartments to function and act normally on both sides of the equation

 

 

Within the affair compartment he loves very deeply.

 

This is the issue:

 

For you there is only one universe-------------your relationship with him.

 

For your MM there are two parallel universes------------------the affair and his wife and family.

 

 

Once the line that separates the two distinct situations is broken you have a clash of two very different universes. This causes chaos and quite often the love he felt for you falls apart. But, don't get me wrong, the love was real and quite intense. But, this love evolved in the affair compartment and may not be able to survive the clash with the other universe.

 

 

Wow... Is this truly how men operate? "I love you deeply until the Shyte hits the fan or it's inconvenient and then I can just turn it all off and it and you mean nothing." If so, then it really doesn't matter what kind of relationship you are in and a man may be staying in a marriage out of duty and obligation and calling it love?

ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
Posted

it's MEE,

So, I am trying to understand here so bare with me as I try to put this together in my head*

 

You are single with 7 year old.

He is Married with Children.

You Knew he was Married with Children.

You work together.

The A started.

A has been going on 12 months/ish.

You Both tell each other ILY.

A was outed by a person who "saw" you with MM etc...

You cannot speak to anyone because they are all M and have heard of you sleeping w/MM and now don't want you around.

You Pressured him to tell otherwise you would because "what about me" OP thread topic.

You were contacted by W whom you chose Not to respond to because it's "not about you".

MM claims he told his W everything.

Now you Want to speak with his W because you are part of their M now.

You are in a terrible way (no doubting that) and crying at work.

 

If I have the above kind of surmised, I'd like to ask you what you hope comes of all of this drama?

What do you foresee will be the outcome?

Are you prepared to be step-mom to 3 children?

Are you prepared to "deal" respectfully with MM's W?

 

And do you understand that this is JUST THE BEGINNING?!?!!

Be careful with your heart and wishes, you may get exactly what you think you want.

 

I still think you should speak with your parents. I believe you Need the support of people who love you unconditionally and it is a safe bet that MM's feelings for you are Not unconditional like your parents.

You may not see it but the way you post, makes your world look very lonely right now.

I hope you are alright*

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Its_MEE Established Member

Its_MEE

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Within the affair compartment he loves very deeply.

 

This is the issue:

 

For you there is only one universe-------------your relationship with him.

 

For your MM there are two parallel universes------------------the affair and his wife and family.

 

 

Once the line that separates the two distinct situations is broken you have a clash of two very different universes. This causes chaos and quite often the love he felt for you falls apart. But, don't get me wrong, the love was real and quite intense. But, this love evolved in the affair compartment and may not be able to survive the clash with the other universe.

 

Pierre,

Very well put and I hadn't put things that way. Thank you. Right now. I am inside a tornado and cannot accept that crap. I will though. No worries. We will see... All he does is apologize and every time he does, I believe wholeheartedly that he is apologizing go the pain I'm ABOUT to feel once he deletes me. Maybe not... But.... Maybe.

 

Cominginhot,

 

If I have the above kind of surmised, I'd like to ask you what you hope comes of all of this drama?

What do you foresee will be the outcome?

Are you prepared to be step-mom to 3 children?

Are you prepared to "deal" respectfully with MM's W?

 

And do you understand that this is JUST THE BEGINNING?!?!!

Be careful with your heart and wishes, you may get exactly what you think you want.

 

"I still think you should speak with your parents. I believe you Need the support of people who love you unconditionally and it is a safe bet that MM's feelings for you are Not unconditional like your parents.

You may not see it but the way you post, makes your world look very lonely right now. "

 

 

I hope to not lose this man. I hope to get clarity. At this moment today... I foresee the worst case scenario for me. I foresee him trying to fix the marriage. We've spoken again today... And she's gone.. But the two oldest have stayed with him. As far as am I ready for this.... Yes. I am also a mother and we have talked so much about these kids, and talked about how it would be once d day arrived. I am willing to make it work... Including respectfully "dealing" withe the W. I do seem lonely. I've talked to my mom a little bit and to my cousins. But I am very lonely. But yes.... I am and will be ok. :)

I know there's more to come... (But what)...... But I have decided to try NC. Even though we work together... I'll limit our contact and step back. If we're meant to be.. It'll happen no doubt.

 

2Sure

"I think you should at this point , have expectations of having your relationship , feelings, and truth validated. You are valid, this is happening. You have been until now, participating in someone else's life without their knowledge . That's wrong. Changing that both validates you while at the same time finally validating his wife . If he is opposed to doing either, that's a matter of character."

 

She wrote on a fb status of mine this morning, I immediately took it down. But I replied to the message she sent me from his page and apologized for her hurt, and told her I would answer the questions she had.

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
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he lies to both

 

This is usually the crux of it. Great post LadyGrey. I know my WH loved the competition. I think MOW did too. I was the only one who didn't. I wanted off the crazy train!

DelusionalOne Established Member

DelusionalOne

Posted
Posted
This!

 

This is the reality that both women are often left unable to see.

 

AFter having lived a version of this myself, and all the stories that we read here, I rarely can drum up any sympathy or empathy for the married person. I just can't. They are the reason for the **** storm of pain to both women. Meanwhile both women, blame the other, thinking he is still lying to the other, but telling the truth to me. When the reality is, he lies to both, to save his own arse. Many men love this secret competition they have set up with the two women, unbeknown to one of them, until d day. Sadly even after some version of the truth comes out, the two women enter again the competition, each one thinking that they are the sole owner of what the real truth is. Rarely is that the case. The two women need to talk, hopefully with some calmness and an ability to get past the bs that the mm is telling both of them.

 

Opps.........sorry went off on a tangent there. :mad:

 

My god ... This is so true!

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Its_MEE Established Member

Its_MEE

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Before you read this..

1: I don't know if I'm going to send this

2: this is all of my anger flowing out (no judgment) but tell me what you think please.

3: should I send this?

4: Facebook Is by no means a priority to our relationship, but the fact that he's remove me after begging to stay friends is him starting to try and hide me... F that.

5: I'm not done with it

 

 

 

 

When I tried I get away from you you kept pushing for this, kept going over and over. Pushhhhhing. Why?????????????????????? for what?????????? I removed you from Fb, erased your #, and you kept going... I came back... You LOVE me? And now you have deleted me from your Account and ask me to fall back and I must comply? ***k. You. Talkin about "I don't know what to do"..... You ***king know. You're just too **ssy to face it! I can't associate with a **ssy, I need a man by my side. Please come correct next time. I'm blockin my **it so u can't glance at my pics to get satisfaction. I'm changing my phone number TOMORROW. As far as work. Keep it professional. You're no friend of mine. Toxicity is what you've become. Seek The Lord and fix your **it because I hate you right now. You're erasing me to see if it'll just disappear?! IT WON'T! Take me the **ck out of your "special place in my heart" and put me next to the other **tch you almost left her for.... It'll never stop... You're not in love over there and you'll be miserable. Point blank. This is just the beginning. But don't worry about me. I won't be your burden. I gotta keep it moving to find my happiness. I'm your BEST FRIEND? LIAR!

Praying4Peace Established Member

Praying4Peace

Posted
Posted

I think it's good you posted it here and got it out of your system.

 

Don't ever send it. You know why? Everything you wrote...he knows it. He knows it well because he was there too. So you don't have to remind him of his bullcrap.

 

Also- silence is the best way to go. Let him fill in the blanks in his head just like you do every day you don't hear from him.

 

Don't allow yourself to act 'crazy', 'angry' or 'entitled'. He'll use your anger to create his own and have reason to hate you because you are SO MEAN and he 'just wanted time' and you're unreasonable. Its not worth it.

 

Also- you can't take back anything you say. Just keep above the fray. Don't engage.

 

just my two cents.....:)

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Its_MEE Established Member

Its_MEE

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No, NO, No!!!!!!!!!

 

Do not send!

 

 

You will look like a "Bunny Boiler".

 

 

Keep your sanity and dignity. Go NC.

 

 

In fact, statistically speaking going NC is your best option.

 

 

 

What is a "bunny boiler"?

You're right though... NC would be worse for him...

I'm chasing my tail here like someone in a previous response said I would be. Emotions are spinning... So I am so angry. I'll see him at 8am. And all I want to do is wait to see if he calls me "babe" or tells me how beautiful I look so I can literally punch him in the face... (I probably won't) but BOY OH BOY do I want to right now. And what do these statistics say exactly?

 

Praying4peace....

You are so right... He knows.. But I want to dig and scrape and the scar he's created within himself until it bleeds OUT...

 

**OMG IM TURNING INTO A MONSTER**

My emotions move fast... DDAY was only Saturday. Lol this is nuts.

Lillyfree Established Member

Lillyfree

Posted
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good that you got your thoughts out here, but don't send that.

 

silence from you will say all that and more.

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Its_MEE Established Member

Its_MEE

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We even talked about having more kids... Getting married once he finally divorced... All that crazy sh^t... Ugh. How much if a dummy am I huh.... Disgusting.

DelusionalOne Established Member

DelusionalOne

Posted
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It's good to get it out. We've had several posts out here allowing us to write out our anger and real feelings. But please don't send that. Don't give him that power.

 

I assure you... you get absolutely ZERO satisfaction out of leaving the scene quickly, quietly and drama free but you get to keep your self respect.

 

NC is the way to go. Don't let him friend-zone you at work. That is all about him, not about you. It's to make him feel good about himself. You work together so LC is the way you are going to have to go. Keep it professional and don't allow him to do otherwise.

 

Listen, it is going to be soooooo extremely hard to work with him in the same building. At this point you don't realize how hard because you are in the beginning of all of this. Do yourself a favor... brush off your resume because everyday you are going to swing back and forth between "I'm fine" and "I can't work here anymore".... and it is going to go on for a while. Watching him talk to other women... talking, flirting and laughing is going to be like a punch in the stomach every time for a long time. Just be prepared for it. There is going to be a ghost in every corner. It sucks. And watching him acting like nothing ever happened is going to infuriate you and want to punch him in the face.

 

Be strong. Come here and vent. Come here to cry. Come here to yell. Come here for support. We all help each other. Remember the first one who breaks NC loses all the power. Don't give him that power.

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DelusionalOne Established Member

DelusionalOne

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I'm chasing my tail here like someone in a previous response said I would be. Emotions are spinning...

 

That would be me... pretty accurate huh? Sorry...It really sucks.

 

And all I want to do is wait to see if he calls me "babe" or tells me how beautiful I look .......

 

OMG did we date the same MM? Or do they just get a book?

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Its_MEE Established Member

Its_MEE

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That would be me... pretty accurate huh? Sorry...It really sucks.

 

 

 

OMG did we date the same MM? Or do they just get a book?

 

 

DelusionalOne,

So accurate.. I've read a few of your posts thank you for all of the support. I'm gonna need it I think. I saw that you've gone long periods if time with NC... I commend you for that... This is day 1 for me.. And oh my... Am I feeling crazy. But I've reflected alllll day long (as thinking seems to be the only thing I'm capable I doing right now) and came to the conclusion that I'll be at work tomorrow... Pretending my a** off... No more lunch meetings. No more sexy little smirks or sneaking kisses in.. No more "I love you" in my ear. We've been connected on SO MANY SO SO MANY levels that I'm still hoping that I "win". But.... I WILL NOT contact him. I've deactivated my fb.. I have not deleted our messages... They hold most of this story. I cannot let them go today. We talk work everyday while at work so I HAVE TO "man up" and control my emotions. I need to disappear for a while but this job won't let me...I've already thought about a job change... I feel weak... Ive lost 6lbs since saturday.. Letting go will be near impossible while I'm still there... But I'll try.

AND IM PRETTY SURE THERE'S A SECRET SOCIAL NETWORK THEY ALL JOIN... Men can't read books... Lol

Everyone is advising to not send that message so maybe I need I just put it aside... it was a pretty genius way to f*ck his day up even more... But I won't send it... I'm not balanced right now. I'm in sort of a permanent state if vertigo. Marry go round...

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Its_MEE Established Member

Its_MEE

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Oh man, this thread brought back the angry boyfriend's "its all about meeeee, look at meeee" rant that pissed off ow posters last month lol

 

I gotta say, that post becomes all the more true by the day around here

 

Atheist,

I don't know what was said in last months post, I wasn't here... I joined yesterday and came here seeking support... Thanks (I don't mean that)

 

As far as you assuming I am simply thinking about me... Incorrect.. I've thought about them BOTH nonstop..cried for them, thrown up for them, zombied it out for them... But I am not just a fictional character in this story... I played a part in this one year, (supposed) exit affair, that involved A LOT , I repeat, A WHOLE LOT of love. So I am filled with rage as I come to the realization that the WHOLE LOT of love wasn't enough... I am grieving.. Feel like someone I love deeply has died and I am trying to still use the defibrillator 4days later (DDAY). I'm a tadpole in this process right now.. Clueless to what's to come... If I don't think about meeeeee..... Who will?? If you've read all of the posts before replying like many others, you'd see that I've gone through a gut wrenching super coaster in less than 48hrs. Selfishness, helplessness, denial, rage, rage, rage... So please excuse me scholar... For feeling as though I need to be validated... But... Yes... Me. I can't help her.... At all... I can't find the lol moment... Sorry if I'm lashing out.. I don't mean to.. But... Please read everything I've written before assuming I'm a selfish girl who cares less about all parties. :o

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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He's a cake eater - and now when he has an open door to leave and be with you - he's still hasn't left.

 

He's never leaving her. He's just trying to gt back on her good side nd not inure using you.

 

Answer her message to you - and do so honestly! She deserves your truth - I'm sure your MM didn't give an honest version.

 

Do take care of yourself - he's not gonna do that. He's only looking out for himself and his selfish needs.

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2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
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We even talked about having more kids... Getting married once he finally divorced... All that crazy sh^t... Ugh. How much if a dummy am I huh.... Disgusting.

 

Lots of MM "future fake" - its a tactic that works well on OW.

 

Look it up.

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TheOW Established Member

TheOW

Posted
Posted (edited)

It's Me

 

I feel your pain I do ive been there and I still am in a way.

 

This is about you because YOU are the one posting on here not his wife. You must understand that his world has fallen apart as well and the best thing for YOU is to back off until he gets his head round everything, if you send him msgs or hang around him at this time it will put him off. Just back off and he will contact you, I dont know if it will be with news that you want to hear though. In the meantime let go of the anger what will be will be and you cannot change that.

 

Alot of advice you get on this forum are from hurt and angry BS which is unfair for you as their situation and MM is not yours.

 

I think he does love you and he will struggle to let you go but if he feels he must he will. Men are different from women this way where-as we can and will walk away from a loveless marriage, men on the otherhand find this extremely difficult to do and they will stay in a broken marriage if they feel it is the right thing to do.

 

Stay calm, focus on yourself and child (as they are the most important thing in the world not him)

Can you get away for a few days with your child ? May be good for both of you as they will know something is wrong with mommy, you may be more grumpy than normal to them (you may not realise this but i bet you are) go and enjoy time with them make them laugh and smile and when you do this you will realise that MM is not as important as you thought.

 

Athiest: I understand what you are saying but thinking about the future right now is impossible, her emotions are everywhere and she will not be able to focus on today nevermind next week.

 

Maybe she does need the harsh truth of what has happened but not now she needs advice on how to take care of herself not what his wife is feeling (this will come in time just not now)

Edited by TheOW
secretlady76 Established Member

secretlady76

Posted
Posted (edited)

For the 100th time, ignore what MM says, its what MM does.

 

All the words he has says to you are total b*****. He may have meant them the minute he said them but now DDay has happened, they mean nothing.

 

What he does means everything. Only judge him on his actions.

 

I am afraid that the choice between you and a child that's not his V a wife, his children and everything that goes with that.....I doubt he will choose you. I think you have to accept that things are over. Even if he tries to keep you on the back burner by saying things to you, again these words mean nothing.

 

As far as his wife is concerned. Leave well alone. Keep away. He will side with her, not you. You are the outsider. He will have told her (or will tell her in the future) anything to make you look like the villain and him the saint - "She persued me, she blackmailed me, she threatened to kill herself if I didn't carry it on. Trust me, the MM will say all kinds of crazy things to cover his own arse. Do you really want to destroy you whole life for a total idiot like that?!

 

Most MM in these situations are cowards. They act like they have split personalities. They are toxic dangerous people and make you question your own sanity. Any self worth or dignity you have will be stripped away, leaving you raw and bare. Before you hit total rock bottom you have to walk away. Do yourself a favour and walk away from him. Don't wait for him to walk away from you. That will screw you up. Feel sorry for the wife, she's married to this man; how horrible to be married to such a screwed up person.....why on earth would you want someone like that?

 

No Contact hurts yes, but your life will improve 100% over. You will feel happy again, you will like yourself again, you will enjoy life again. You HAVE to focus on yourself, otherwise you will get ill over this.

 

I beg you, walk away.

Edited by secretlady76
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TheOW Established Member

TheOW

Posted
Posted
For the 100th time, ignore what MM says, its what MM does.

 

All the words he has says to you are total b*****. He may have meant them the minute he said them but now DDay has happened, they mean nothing.

 

What he does means everything. Only judge him on his actions.

 

I am afraid that the choice between you and a child that's not his V a wife, his children and everything that goes with that.....I doubt he will choose you. I think you have to accept that things are over. Even if he tries to keep you on the back burner by saying things to you, again these words mean nothing.

 

As far as his wife is concerned. Leave well alone. Keep away. He will side with her, not you. You are the outsider. He will have told her (or will tell her in the future) anything to make you look like the villain and him the saint - "She persued me, she blackmailed me, she threatened to kill herself if I didn't carry it on. Trust me, the MM will say all kinds of crazy things to cover his own arse. Do you really want to destroy you whole life for a total idiot like that?!

 

Most MM in these situations are cowards. They act like they have split personalities. They are toxic dangerous people and make you question your own sanity. Any self worth or dignity you have will be stripped away, leaving you raw and bare. Before you hit total rock bottom you have to walk away. Do yourself a favour and walk away from him. Don't wait for him to walk away from you. That will screw you up. Feel sorry for the wife, she's married to this man; how horrible to be married to such a screwed up person.....why on earth would you want someone like that?

 

No Contact hurts yes, but your life will improve 100% over. You will feel happy again, you will like yourself again, you will enjoy life again. You HAVE to focus on yourself, otherwise you will get ill over this.

 

I beg you, walk away.

 

 

I agree with most of what you have said except the bolded - this is not always true and is a very biased thought on other peoples situations, my xMM did not vilify me this way he owned up to what he did he told her he loved me but was willing to work on their marriage (he never planned nor say he was going to to leave his family) this in return made her mad and come after me. She told me by her own mouth what he had said to her and she and my xH "compared" notes on our stories.

secretlady76 Established Member

secretlady76

Posted
Posted
I agree with most of what you have said except the bolded - this is not always true and is a very biased thought on other peoples situations, my xMM did not vilify me this way he owned up to what he did he told her he loved me but was willing to work on their marriage (he never planned nor say he was going to to leave his family) this in return made her mad and come after me. She told me by her own mouth what he had said to her and she and my xH "compared" notes on our stories.

 

Interesting, that is what happened to me too, although he planned on leaving. In my case the comparing notes thing didn't happen.....and judging by what she said to me he had fed her total bull, hence why she went for me.

ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
Posted

It's MEE,

In a previous response you wrote to me you stated, "The W".

 

I understand the defense behind the way you used it. However, in light of this supposed D-Day, it might be important for You to acknowledge she isn't just "The W", she is "HIS W".

 

Sometimes beginning w/something as trivial and not even recognized can help the reality of the situation to become clear.

The M, vows they took and paper they signed make them a couple. She is His and He is Hers. It will be like that until the contract is dissolved through D.

To me everything else can be the or their as in the house, their home, their children...

 

I say this gently as a BW myself.

And TOW & Athiest was right as well. It was because of you thinking about yourself and not others that you enabled all of this to happen & it is still true that you need to take care of yourself now to deal w/the fallout.

Hope today is a bit better for you *

  • Like 7
waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

Posted
Posted (edited)
I understand the defense behind the way you used it. However, in light of this supposed D-Day, it might be important for You to acknowledge she isn't just "The W", she is "HIS W"

 

Exactly. I hate it when anyone uses this phrase. She is a human being and deserves to be treated as such.

 

Edited to say that I am sorry for your pain - didn't mean to take away from that xx

Edited by waterwoman
youngnlove89 Established Member

youngnlove89

Posted
Posted

This is EXACTLY why I don't get involved with men who are taken.

 

You knew what you were walking into, now unfortunately, you will have to sleep in the bed you made.

 

I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for his wife who didn't want this. I feel sorry for the kids who had their family torn apart from 2 inconsiderate-selfish people who betrayed everyone.

 

What did you think was going to happen? You two would continue this fantasy and walk off into the sunset together?

 

Imagine if you would have just controlled your impulses and never initiated intimacy with a MARRIED man? I can tell you that you definitely wouldn't be in this predicament. You'd probably be eating ice-cream sitting on a park bench enjoying the beautiful day with your own kid and a clean conscious.

 

Like I said, sleep in the bed you made.

  • Like 1
crederer Established Member

crederer

Posted
Posted

My advice would be to date a single person and then you wont have to worry about this drama....unless drama is something that you like then continue exactly how you are going. It seems to be working well for you.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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