dazed carpenter Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 I need some advice. (for this example, ages around mid 30's) simply put, boy sees girl for 1 year in a long distance relationship. Boy travels frequently and realtionship is about 5 days /month, with 2 - 1 week periods together on holidays. Boy remodels a lot of girls house and yard in an old house she has bought. Girl has been making noise about marriage and kids after 6 months, but boy not sure yet----wants to spend more time together to flesh out relationship. Around Halloween, girl begins to distance herself from boy, although emails contain all the boiler plate language of love---miss you, wish i were there, etc. boy has nearly remodeled her house by now. boy makes it up there for xmas, and buys her a killer gift that required much time and effort and money. a gift she would always want and never expected. girl goes to work on sat. and boy is at her house cleaning, etc. the phone rings, a guys voice is on the machine saying that he will be working closer to her house, and really misses her, etc. boy puts 2 and 2 together after circumstantial evidence of the previous months. girl has a modeling gig on mon. on tv, she is very emotional about it----boy decides to can his feelings and do nothing until mon, so as not to mess her up on Mon. mon. comes and girl goes to tv early morning deal, guy gets his photos , puts her key on the table and leaves. girl realizes something has happened and calls boy that night and boy discusses his used feelings and describes what happened. the issue: girl is now the victim. Guy left her--she goes to her shrink and it appears they had a boy-friend bashing session. she says the shrink says; boy should have had ballons and a brass band playing for her when she got home; the guy's voice on the phone.......-boy should have been glad girl had her "support group". etc. Question; Was boy wrong in leaving like he did under the circumstances? Under the circumstances, how does the shrink come up with crap like that, assuming that was her advice to girl?? should boy try to re-kindle this relationship after girl is making noises 6 months later, or just chalk it all up to being used, and just move on?? Until he left , boy was unsure as to what kind of "issues" girl had. Is it too much to demand that a person devulge to their significant other such things, such as abuse or depression, etc. before contemplating marriage??? love to hear some opinions from this group. thanks.
Butchey Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 Boy, that's alot of stuff. Did you talk to her about who the voice on the phone is? Don't give up. Talk to her and put your cards on the table. What evidence do you have other than the phone call and her acting different? At least if you are able to talk (not yell) you will find out where she stands in the relationship. Maybe when you did not want the same committment she decided to give you the #7. That's my code number for gradual distancing until they get the message. As far as the shrink is concerned let it go. You are the bad guy now because she is paying. You will get your day to shine.
Breathe Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 "mid 30s - boy - girl" geez... I feel like this is an episode of Tarzan and Jane.... "Me - boy, You - girl"..... lol Just talk.... communicate and get it all out in the open. See what happens.
dazed carpenter Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 you're right----the text sounds sophmoric, doesn't it? well, we will raise the bar a bit. I have indeed atttempted to communicate with this woman. What gets me is that even after her distancing, she could be so upset that I left. I cant believe that she cannot see that her actions have consequences. I know that her biological clock is ticking, and she wants marriage and a kid and has been seeking this for a while. It would seem that she could have been married easily by now if she realy wanted it, because of her looks and opportunities. This makes one think that others have traveled the same path that i have. as for myself, i really wasnt looking until she came along, and would probably require more time than a few days a month for a year to decide. but i thought she was worth it, until this stuff. i think she is wanting the symbolism of marriage rather than the substance of it. her mother drives her nuts, even though she talks to her on the cell phone at least 3 time a day whenever i would see her. her mother is dominating, and i threatened to throw her phone into the ocean one day if she answered her mother again while i was there----she gets upset and angry nearly every time she calls. i think her mother REALLY wants her to get married. i agree that the shrink stuff is correct--i'm the bad guy because she is paying!!! thats good!! ha As far as communicating with her, she doesnt want to communicate very much--she says she doesnt want to discuss her past, even the recent past. the night she called i really believed we were making inroads and we talked for an hour---she would never answer the question of the phone call. Then she saw the shrink the next day, and her entire mentality changed---she spouted everything that i hadnt done yet, as if i had failed to satisfy some arbitrary time limit that someone had pulled out of their rear. I could tell she was parrotting the shrink. i sometimes think that she is afraid that she is the cause of some of her problems, and doen't want to face this. i know that i am a giant lump of imperfection, and told her so. I always got the feeling when with her that any argument would be the last, so i watched my words so as not to upset her, when a lot of other things seemed to be doing so already. The smallest things can play on her mind and she cant let it go, and she translates all of this as some sort of insult to her. She has been on depression meds, and i know that sometimes she doesnt take them. I have read that i shouldnt even become involved with a depressive because there is no where to go but down. She told me one time her mother suffered from depression, so it runs in her family. i found out she was on meds when i saw them on the counter and asked her. She just said "depression", and quickly changed the subject. I thought this might be a factor in her distancing, but maybe she just wanted to dump me after using me. that would be fine, but i just dont get the later emails about her thinking of a life together, yada yada, she vaselates more than a politician. maybe i should just drive the last nail in this coffin and go to the bahamas for the winter!!! i think i just decided!!!! But maybe not--- ilike a challenge , but i may be dealing with one that i will never have a chance of winning. thanks.
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