Larry56 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Hi there, How are you all today? So I need some advice from women only today please...look I know guys have some good advice but I really need a female perspective. So my girlfriend of 2 years and I broke up 6 weeks ago (she broke up with me). Over the 2 years we had great chemistry, loved each other lots, understood each other and I was there for her (pretty much all the time). She had been through some significant teenage trauma a few years back (I'm not 56. I'm 28, she's 21) but she had a hard time talking about it so I never brought it up because I was afraid of making her upset. We both got a bit lazy (like in most relationships) and there were times where I did communicate to her that it'd be nice if she dressed up once in a while (not in a total negative controlling way but of course I feel like an ******* there days for even mentioning it at the time). We may have not said we loved each other enough at times but of course we were both quite open about most things there seems to be a mutual understanding that things were going quite well and that we loved each other dearly....anyways skipping to the breakup. We had a small fight which was about how she didn't feel being appreciated (we had gone out the night and she was being really off to me that night). anyways we didn't see each other for a bit then we met up and she basically went through all the reasons why she thought we were just "too different"...some of her reasoning had substance whereas some of it was quite flakey. Anyways, I let her talk and I did try to explain why we were so good together but of course that didn't work...after about an hour I just gave up and said I understand and it's cool...the tension was relaxed and we hung out for a bit and finally departed but not before she kissed me passionately before leaving (woah...I know..) and said she still loved me and missed me. So anyways...2 weeks ago I find out she has been seeing someone since we broke up...I was pretty devastated...I could "feel" something was up but I wasn't sure...we basically hadn't been speaking for the first few weeks because I wanted to give her space...but after a bit of space I started texting her lightly (asking her about how she is, casually mentioning old times) and she seemed pretty reciprocal and friendly but would not initiate any contact apart from replying quite quickly at times. She did not seem to respond to some light flirty texts I sent which kinda stone walled me...but this is before I knew she had a boyfriend. Now a few things about the new boyfriend. Complete opposite to me...he is (insecure, whiney, violent, mistrustful)...I have already been threatened with violence on two occasions from him for texting my ex (she must tell him). Whaaaat the **** right? OK so the thing is I understand she probably likes something about him, but I know she will get sick of his crap eventually, she is putting up with it because he's new and novelty at this time. But my question is...Do I still have a chance with her? I mean, she really seems absorbed in this guy but I know for a fact that she's probably keeping some her feelings bottled up about me or ignoring those feelings about me...(trust me I'm not hounding her in the least, just popping up and saying hi once in a while, and I have never communicated that I was "depressed" or "needy" about not being with her - I am always light and fun and saying exciting things that I know she likes)... I'm thinking of getting back into dating mode quite soon because I feel I have no other alternative to keep my mind off of her. But I feel I wouldn't wanna lose a chance to get back with her. She is amazing and special and I really do see us together in the future (with children) but I'm just kinda unsure whether or not she might still "feel" something for me at all since she doesn't ever contact me at all and seems quite content with the new guy...so my question is... What are my options...should I just start dating and see if she comes back or should I keep trying to communicate with her every now and then and see if I can slowly win her back...OR There is one thing that I haven't done properly and that is to actually apologize to her properly about things she brought up when we broke up that I hadn't done enough (not saying I love you, make her feel appreciated enough)...You see the thing is...I never knew how to give a good apology...I always said "I'm sorry buuuut", trying to defend myself which I realized is not what an apology is, and after all this time I realized I wasn't acknowledging her feelings when I apologized. So do you all think I should wait until I actually get to see her to apologize in person, or do you think I should potentially wait until we "hypothetically" get back together to apologize...for one I don't want to bring up too many negative feelings about me but I kinda realize that she might be feeling like can't trust me if I don't apologize sooner than later....well...that's all I have to say at this moment...any ideas on my next steps?
siankat Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 A few things: I think in future (and this goes for all of us), it is important to be clear so if you felt the need to apologise, be clear about what, acknowledge the effect your actions might have had on her and bear it in mind so you do not repeat the same mistake again - this however is different if you actually think that you are partially in the right about the thing you are apologising for. It's good to know yourself in this area as likely things that she found difficult to deal with in you, others might too. Not always! But it's good to bear it in mind. However, having said that i think it is too late to apologise for things now in retrospect as she has effectively moved on and is not looking to reconcile. Don't misinterpret her texts or that kiss as 'keeping the door open' as ultimately, apart from anything else, this is unfair to you. As she left the relationship, she will be acutely aware of this, aware you would likely want back with her, and therefore her contact is selfish. From my point of view (i am a women), i would not want a man who puts up with my crap. Even if i dished out some rubbish, i respect the man who just cuts it with me and doesn't badger me further. It's as simple as that. So in answer to your ultimate question: is there any hope of a reconciliation, i believe that the ONLY thing you can do now to EVER have a chance of being back with this person in a HEALTHY way is to leave her alone. Let time tell. Do not force anything. Desperation is not passion, it's repulsive. Unfortunately you cannot really know what she thinks or feels and you will not get those answers by asking so, you have to go with what you do know: she is with someone else, is not asking to be back with you, is being inconsiderate with contacting you. End of really. Also, and i hate to say this as i was soo committed to my boyfriend when i was 20-21 and loved him, was faithful etc, but i am glad i had a few more subsequent partners. I knew better what i did and didn't want in a relationship and man. Some things you can only learn with experience and time. Sure it works for some people to get hitched at 16 (i'm from Scotland) and i was committed to my man at the time with no intention of leaving until circumstances forced it but to be honest, i see the value in having had boyfriends after. Maybe that is what she has felt. But i'd advise against trying to be her mentor/buddy/soundboard/coach through anything she is feeling or going through now. Advice. Leave her alone to live her life, same goes for you. At some point, you may or may not reconnect but it won't be because you have begged her and made an idiot of yourself while she toys with you. Good luck! I know it can be hard.
Author Larry56 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 OK. Thanks for being incredibly honest. I "would" like to apologize, but you're right...there seems to be no point if she has moved on and I really don't want to look and seem like a doormat.
GudDude2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 (edited) Everytime you pop up and text her in a light, fun way on the things you know she likes. It becomes your pestering her and she has got to inform her new bf on what a stalker you are.....get it. Your not going to slowly win her back my man, it's not going to happen. Just as she thinks of you, and begins to miss you a bit, here comes one of your light, fun texts that immediately pushes her further and further away. You have got to know how human psychology works dude. If you want her back,, leave her alone, period! If you really want that chance again then LEAVE HER ALONE! When her new beau messes up, and he will, guess who she's going to call? That's right.... YOU, but only if you leave her alone. Nc, nc, nc. Is the perfect course of action for you. Start dating other females, and no more light, fun texts on topics you know she likes, because i'm sure your not talking about her new bf's dick. Edited April 30, 2013 by GudDude2013
Author Larry56 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 (edited) Cool, I totally get what you mean...I will stop the texting, basically all contact unless she contacts me. Yep, I think dating is my only answer in terms of what I can do. I mean I'm pretty excited in some ways about it because I'm not a loser, I can talk to woman and I have quite a lot of self-confidence and I wouldn't have trouble finding a new girlfriend. But of course I'm not particularly interested in getting involved with anyone too quickly if that will screw up chances of reconciliation with my ex. Yaddyada. Edited April 30, 2013 by Larry56
dumPI Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 No need to apologize. All the excuses (the few I love you's,etc) are just excuses trying to soften and hide the truth (there was someone else). I got the same classical break up a long time ago where the same things were told and the reason was there was someone new (she broke up with him 3 months later) So ... let her go & find happiness without you. You can't do anything else
Author Larry56 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 OK. The thing is (and I am taking all of your advice in) that I do feel a "need" to apologize because I did do some things wrong in the relationship. I "know" for a fact she is still frustrated about these things ...because her mom calls me from time to time (I have a good relationship with her family) and she tells me she is still frustrated about some of these things and "hates" the fact that her new boyfriend is being compared to me (in a negative way from their perspective). The thing is...I don't want her to think I haven't changed or thought seriously about these things. But I am just wondering from any women here if the issue is that those thoughts and feelings could be getting in the way of her feeling like she can reach out to me at some point in the future. So would an effective apology do "anything" at all at this time or should I just leave it to a later date? Regards
aisuru Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 There is power in letting go. If you feel you have to apologize, write the apology email to yourself. She isn't going to care right now because she has a distraction. She may never care. You need to take care of you. I'm not sure filling the hole her absence has created by dating others is the right decision, but that's your call. Then you're just doing what she's doing. Take some time to look inside yourself and acknowledge who you are and what you deserve and want in a relationship.
Author Larry56 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 OK. Thanks for you're advice. I am having trouble "letting go" and I do see the danger of "getting involved with someone else" before I have let go. But the thing is. I'm not interested in a new serious relationship at all and I'm not going to get into one. I have heaps of hobbies and my work is light and not stressful. I can keep my mind off her by doing other things. But again, what if she feels she can't trust me at some point in the future because she still has those negative thoughts about our breakup still in her head. Won't those impede her in her desire to get back with me? Girls? Did you ever get back with a guy you dumped even if he didn't apologize at some point after the breakup, did you still find him attractive?...(probably an extreme scenario). Trust me I won't do anything stupid until I have all the appropriate information at hand. Thanks once again
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