stephgabriele Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I met someone named Drew who had changed my whole world. At almost 23 years old, I had been through a couple abusive relationships that had me thinking I was just going to continue to spiral and only gravitate toward abusive men. Drew was completely different. From the get go he took care of me. He respected me. He told me I was pretty every single day. Somehow, I took the most amazing thing I've ever had for granted. I hate to admit this, as it's very difficult for me but I am that girl. THAT girl that can't take a compliment. That is so stubborn to believe that hell, maybe I am beautiful. I argue and argue. I did in this relationship. I made him believe I didn't trust him but really it was an issue I was having with myself. When someone thinks negatively about themselves, they project it onto others. It is the most awful spiral to get caught in. It is also the most embarrassing thing to admit. I'd get jealous if he was having fun and not always inviting me. Secretly I knew space and lives with friends is the only way to a healthy relationship. Fast forward some time after. I'm not going to say how long we dated but it's not too short, not too long. I guess I just feel like some support would be judged over the time frame. We had been slowly drifting. I cried myself to sleep, pushing him away further and further every single night. One night I asked him why he was acting so weird and he broke up with me. That fast. I was living with him. He fell asleep directly after he explained some things to me and I felt like my heart got torn in half. I have been through some heartache but this was a whole new feeling I had never felt before. He told me he was going through an early mid life crisis and couldn't give me the time I needed. The next day I went to work and came back to retrieve all of my things. Since that day we have been speaking every day. There has been more distance but we have still seen each other. I house sat families house and he kept me company. He was doing sweet things like knocking on my door with ice cream. He calls me here and there just to say. When he is off of work late at night he always makes sure to say something to me. I guess what I'm asking for is some encouragement or wise words that may keep me going from insane. I have been broken for the past month and I can't seem to fix myself. I know these things take time. I just feel like it isn't time for me to give up on this. I feel like a fool for having hope that maybe he will realize what he let go of. I feel like a fool for ruining it so much and taking a person for granted.
DreamLost Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I met someone named Drew who had changed my whole world. At almost 23 years old, I had been through a couple abusive relationships that had me thinking I was just going to continue to spiral and only gravitate toward abusive men. Drew was completely different. From the get go he took care of me. He respected me. He told me I was pretty every single day. Somehow, I took the most amazing thing I've ever had for granted. I hate to admit this, as it's very difficult for me but I am that girl. THAT girl that can't take a compliment. That is so stubborn to believe that hell, maybe I am beautiful. I argue and argue. I did in this relationship. I made him believe I didn't trust him but really it was an issue I was having with myself. When someone thinks negatively about themselves, they project it onto others. It is the most awful spiral to get caught in. It is also the most embarrassing thing to admit. I'd get jealous if he was having fun and not always inviting me. Secretly I knew space and lives with friends is the only way to a healthy relationship. Fast forward some time after. I'm not going to say how long we dated but it's not too short, not too long. I guess I just feel like some support would be judged over the time frame. We had been slowly drifting. I cried myself to sleep, pushing him away further and further every single night. One night I asked him why he was acting so weird and he broke up with me. That fast. I was living with him. He fell asleep directly after he explained some things to me and I felt like my heart got torn in half. I have been through some heartache but this was a whole new feeling I had never felt before. He told me he was going through an early mid life crisis and couldn't give me the time I needed. The next day I went to work and came back to retrieve all of my things. Since that day we have been speaking every day. There has been more distance but we have still seen each other. I house sat families house and he kept me company. He was doing sweet things like knocking on my door with ice cream. He calls me here and there just to say. When he is off of work late at night he always makes sure to say something to me. I guess what I'm asking for is some encouragement or wise words that may keep me going from insane. I have been broken for the past month and I can't seem to fix myself. I know these things take time. I just feel like it isn't time for me to give up on this. I feel like a fool for having hope that maybe he will realize what he let go of. I feel like a fool for ruining it so much and taking a person for granted. Hi stephgabriele, Based on your past relationships I think it is normal for you to be protective and untrusting. But I think it's time for you to move forward and start having more trust in people. Your caring bf has no problem taking care of you but if he has a handful to deal with on his own, your neediness and negative energy could overwhelm him. Also you need to learn the fact that he can be happy when you are not around and you should feel happy for him for being able to live a happy life (i.e. have fun) DreamLost
robaday Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Wow I wish my ex had as much self awareness as you!!! congratulations on being an empathetic and smart woman. Look it happens, Ive been there in my first relationship, drove the girl away with jealousy and insecurity, then spent a long long time eradicating it from myself completely and staying single. I then got into a relationship with a girl who was severely jealous. Which was fine, I had no issue with it for the 1st 2 years. But after time the jealousy turned into something else entirely, abuse and constant put downs and Im still struggling to deal with it. you havent ruined something great at all, youve made a step toward being the person you want to be, and the relationship you want to have. If it was so good you would still be together. Dont be hard on yourself, this will maybe be one of the best things to ever happen to you, you will learn about yourself and become stronger and the woman you always wanted to be......
Am4Real Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Before we launch in with any advice for you, tell us in your own opinion, are you broken up "for sure" or is it possible he was making a statement. What do you think?
Author stephgabriele Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 I am pretty positive we're broken up in his eyes. He is just stringing me along or having conflicted feelings now. He isn't the type of guy to keep on doing sweet things and calling daily. But, once he drinks and we're just talking he makes sure to say I know we're not dating. Once he misunderstood me as crossing the boundary by asking him what he was up to that day. He took it as me being jealous by trying to know everything he was doing. He has his moments where I have no idea what he wants.
travelonic Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 If it was so good you would still be together IMO, this saying falls short logically [and I wish it would die in a fire] Great relationships have pitfalls - sometimes big enough to cause temporary separations. That doesn't negate greatness present before this happens so far as the relationship working, the dynamics, etc. 1
Am4Real Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 If you're sure you are broken up, he is likely hanging around to make sure you process the situation and stabilize in order to relieve his guilt. For you: who cares what guilt he has? You should not care about him, you need to care about YOU. In order to focus on you, stop all communication and contact with him. Turn him away or better said, have someone turn him away. Like do you really need stinking ice cream or anything else? Of course not! Don't take his call and do not interact or stalk him electronically whatsoever. He wants you out of his dating life - give HIM EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS. Once you take these steps, come back on here (LS) and tell us what you have done. We will go from there. In the meantime look up TaraMaidens thread on the revised guide to No Contact; it's here on LS. If you can't find it, respond on this thread and one of us will send you the link. You might even get a reponse from the most lovely TaraMaiden herself. I am pretty positive we're broken up in his eyes. He is just stringing me along or having conflicted feelings now. He isn't the type of guy to keep on doing sweet things and calling daily. But, once he drinks and we're just talking he makes sure to say I know we're not dating. Once he misunderstood me as crossing the boundary by asking him what he was up to that day. He took it as me being jealous by trying to know everything he was doing. He has his moments where I have no idea what he wants.
Author stephgabriele Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 If you're sure you are broken up, he is likely hanging around to make sure you process the situation and stabilize in order to relieve his guilt. For you: who cares what guilt he has? You should not care about him, you need to care about YOU. In order to focus on you, stop all communication and contact with him. Turn him away or better said, have someone turn him away. Like do you really need stinking ice cream or anything else? Of course not! Don't take his call and do not interact or stalk him electronically whatsoever. He wants you out of his dating life - give HIM EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS. Once you take these steps, come back on here (LS) and tell us what you have done. We will go from there. In the meantime look up TaraMaidens thread on the revised guide to No Contact; it's here on LS. If you can't find it, respond on this thread and one of us will send you the link. You might even get a reponse from the most lovely TaraMaiden herself. Well. After a few fights in the past week I decided to let him know I can't talk to him for one month. He kept on verbally attacking me for hanging out with people I wanted to. We have a lot of mutual friends. He went about calling me irresponsible for sleeping on someone's couch because I could not drive after going out. He had been driving drunk from the casino and doing cocaine from what I heard. Yet he was the one threatening to get my car towed from near his work parking lot. At that point I had ignored all of his abusive text messages and I got a long text apologizing hours later saying he had no right to attack me that way. He told me he would still call me in a month and that he hates break ups because they always end up messy, blah blah. I didn't answer it and I have been having fun by myself lately. I just had five days off and I kept myself completely busy. He still pops up into my head but it's not really sad thoughts all of the time. It's more "What the heck was I thinking". I don't know if I will answer his call in a month but I am going to take everything day by day.
Am4Real Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 No dear, not one month or any other time of a NC limit -- it's either forever or stay in this nonsense he is putting your through. Apparently and according to you, you're broken up. In the last thread he seems to agree with that assertion. Therefore from that point on and especially after you declare you DO NOT WANT TO BE CONTACTED, what you do, when you do it and who you do it with, are none of his business. Period! Trying to control you, manipulate feelings of guilt or whatever else he is having issues with are his issues, not yours. Seriously, is this the immature guy you thought you were dating? Nope, this is his real controlling and manipulative character coming out under these circumstances. Well. After a few fights in the past week I decided to let him know I can't talk to him for one month. He kept on verbally attacking me for hanging out with people I wanted to. We have a lot of mutual friends. He went about calling me irresponsible for sleeping on someone's couch because I could not drive after going out. He had been driving drunk from the casino and doing cocaine from what I heard. Yet he was the one threatening to get my car towed from near his work parking lot. At that point I had ignored all of his abusive text messages and I got a long text apologizing hours later saying he had no right to attack me that way. He told me he would still call me in a month and that he hates break ups because they always end up messy, blah blah. I didn't answer it and I have been having fun by myself lately. I just had five days off and I kept myself completely busy. He still pops up into my head but it's not really sad thoughts all of the time. It's more "What the heck was I thinking". I don't know if I will answer his call in a month but I am going to take everything day by day.
Author stephgabriele Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 I think I may have just said the month thing out of pain and reaction when we were fighting. I am 100 percent sure I will not be contacting him. If he tries contacting me it is a VERY small chance I will be replying to anything. I'm worth a lot more than that. No dear, not one month or any other time of a NC limit -- it's either forever or stay in this nonsense he is putting your through. Apparently and according to you, you're broken up. In the last thread he seems to agree with that assertion. Therefore from that point on and especially after you declare you DO NOT WANT TO BE CONTACTED, what you do, when you do it and who you do it with, are none of his business. Period! Trying to control you, manipulate feelings of guilt or whatever else he is having issues with are his issues, not yours. Seriously, is this the immature guy you thought you were dating? Nope, this is his real controlling and manipulative character coming out under these circumstances.
KatZee Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Yep. When I was 17/18 I met my first real boyfriend. I fell head over heels in love with him and he became my first everything. First love, took my virginity, just tons of "firsts." Anyway, I was young and we left school for summer break and I allowed a coworker to get too close to me. We pecked on the lips on the last day of the summer. For like .2 seconds. But the guilt I felt was outrageous. My bf saw I was acting different. I went to lunch one day with dorm mates, my bf snuck into my room and onto my computer and read all my AIM logs. He found what he was looking for and dumped me. Said he couldn't trust me bc I didn't confess and he didn't believe nothing more happened. He was and still is a great guy, was an amazing boyfriend. We were FWB all through college. I kept hoping he'd take me back. Never did. Won't lie. Took me 6 years to get over him. Mainly from all the guilt I felt and because no one even compared to him. We're actually still friends to this day and I wish him nothing but the best. He's one of the few great ones and I sometimes wonder what would have become of us if I never messed that up. Haha.
Author stephgabriele Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 When things like this happen I just try to imagine how great my next relationship will be since I learned so many things from this one. Heck, the relationships I had before Drew made my relationship with Drew a lot better than it would have if I hadn't of dated the men before. I try to think of them as lessons and trials until you reach someone who can teach you another things about love. Yep. When I was 17/18 I met my first real boyfriend. I fell head over heels in love with him and he became my first everything. First love, took my virginity, just tons of "firsts." Anyway, I was young and we left school for summer break and I allowed a coworker to get too close to me. We pecked on the lips on the last day of the summer. For like .2 seconds. But the guilt I felt was outrageous. My bf saw I was acting different. I went to lunch one day with dorm mates, my bf snuck into my room and onto my computer and read all my AIM logs. He found what he was looking for and dumped me. Said he couldn't trust me bc I didn't confess and he didn't believe nothing more happened. He was and still is a great guy, was an amazing boyfriend. We were FWB all through college. I kept hoping he'd take me back. Never did. Won't lie. Took me 6 years to get over him. Mainly from all the guilt I felt and because no one even compared to him. We're actually still friends to this day and I wish him nothing but the best. He's one of the few great ones and I sometimes wonder what would have become of us if I never messed that up. Haha.
KatZee Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 When things like this happen I just try to imagine how great my next relationship will be since I learned so many things from this one. Heck, the relationships I had before Drew made my relationship with Drew a lot better than it would have if I hadn't of dated the men before. I try to think of them as lessons and trials until you reach someone who can teach you another things about love. Yeah the next guy I loved after him taught me so much about myself. He was a serious lesson for so many things.
Author stephgabriele Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Yeah the next guy I loved after him taught me so much about myself. He was a serious lesson for so many things. Haha, just reminds me of all of the dates I had after some of the crazy ones and red flags would pop up and I'd just beeline it outta that situation. You get a "NOPE, NOT AGAIN" complex.
Am4Real Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Dating...it does open your eyes... Wait till you get on in years and meet not only the RED FLAGS but the one's carring 1000 pounds of baggage! What treats! Haha, just reminds me of all of the dates I had after some of the crazy ones and red flags would pop up and I'd just beeline it outta that situation. You get a "NOPE, NOT AGAIN" complex. 1
Author stephgabriele Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Update. He texted me this morning telling me that he had some of my stuff and he asked what he should do with it. I didn't text right away so his next text was saying if he didn't hear from me tonight, it would be in the garbage. So I answered for him to throw it in a bag and put it in our boat in my driveway. Is it weird that I am proud of myself for not carrying it any further? I wanted to ask him why he was in such a hurry because he accidentally held on to his exes stuff before me and yadda yadda but I didn't. He answered "K" and that was the end of that conversation.
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