shatteredworld Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I'm somewhat confused about how rebounds work seeing as how I've never gone that way. Does the guy get into a relationship with another girl right away? How long does it take them to realize it's a rebound? What happens after? It's just been beyond me what's going on with my ex, it was beyond insulting when he got into a relationship with some new random girl weeks after we broke up.
fiftyofsomethin Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 May I ask which one of you broke up with who? It's sort of important because usually it isn't simply a rebound if they broke up with you and got with them weeks after. No one sets up a relationship that fast, at least it is very odd to. Chances are that he had this sort of set up before he broke up with you IF HE WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED TO BREAK UP. Now, if YOU broke up with HIM, then I can lend you a bit more insightful advice. I know that the months following my ex girlfriend breaking up with me have been terrible, I have been searching for any and every way out. Including talking to other girls. But unfortunately, if you are the one who got broken up with, those new girls aren't the ones on your mind, it is still your ex. However, these are not, of course, the only possibilities. There are very many out there, these are simply the two most likely that I can see.
Author shatteredworld Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 May I ask which one of you broke up with who? It's sort of important because usually it isn't simply a rebound if they broke up with you and got with them weeks after. No one sets up a relationship that fast, at least it is very odd to. Chances are that he had this sort of set up before he broke up with you IF HE WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED TO BREAK UP. Now, if YOU broke up with HIM, then I can lend you a bit more insightful advice. I know that the months following my ex girlfriend breaking up with me have been terrible, I have been searching for any and every way out. Including talking to other girls. But unfortunately, if you are the one who got broken up with, those new girls aren't the ones on your mind, it is still your ex. However, these are not, of course, the only possibilities. There are very many out there, these are simply the two most likely that I can see. Well he cheated on me with some random girl or so he says (but other people also said so) and then wouldn't "let" me take him back. I then heard from people that all he did was talk about hooking up with random girls after the break up so he wasn't with her? That's why that part didn't make sense to me. And he told me he didn't want another relationship, didn't want to be with anyone else, and wouldn't need his heart unless he was with me. I'm not trying to see if I still have a chance or whatnot, I'm just trying to understand whether or not he meant those things because it's what kept me "sane" for so long.
fiftyofsomethin Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Well, I'll tell you right now that you were lucky that he talked to you at all about it. My ex just got up and left me with the BS excuse that "she was too busy to be in a relationship" (she hangs and talks with friends more than ever now). And since the breakup, she has ignored me and avoided me at all costs. Coming from such an awesome relationship, it's just a bit hard to deal with this seeing as I don't know the true reason for the breakup nor the reason why I'm being treated like I did something terrible. So yeah, consider yourself lucky that you at least have a shred of information. That's not to make you feel bad, that is to make you feel a bit better. At least having the possibility to talk to him about it if you wanted is a great thing. Even if you go NC, it's great to know that someone would still like to talk to you.
Author shatteredworld Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Well, I'll tell you right now that you were lucky that he talked to you at all about it. My ex just got up and left me with the BS excuse that "she was too busy to be in a relationship" (she hangs and talks with friends more than ever now). And since the breakup, she has ignored me and avoided me at all costs. Coming from such an awesome relationship, it's just a bit hard to deal with this seeing as I don't know the true reason for the breakup nor the reason why I'm being treated like I did something terrible. So yeah, consider yourself lucky that you at least have a shred of information. That's not to make you feel bad, that is to make you feel a bit better. At least having the possibility to talk to him about it if you wanted is a great thing. Even if you go NC, it's great to know that someone would still like to talk to you. Eh, I wouldn't think there's much difference. Just for the fact I have no idea if this information was even real. I question his integrity every day! He said all this within days of breaking up. At that point I asked as well if he met someone else, and he said he had not and he wasn't looking for anyone else. Which leads me to believing he met her after! We've been NC for 1 1/2 months now. Yes, I am over thinking this.
TheBladeRunner Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Hi! I was cheated on over a year ago, separated, divorce will be final soon. Tried dating 3 months after the break up.....didn't work for me. Fast forward to 8 months after I moved out and I meet someone. She doesn't want a commitment, only to go out, spend time, do things, and some physical stuff. Hence: my "calculated rebound". His won't last!
fiftyofsomethin Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Eh, I wouldn't think there's much difference. Just for the fact I have no idea if this information was even real. I question his integrity every day! He said all this within days of breaking up. At that point I asked as well if he met someone else, and he said he had not and he wasn't looking for anyone else. Which leads me to believing he met her after! We've been NC for 1 1/2 months now. Yes, I am over thinking this. It's okay, join the club. Not a minute goes by where my ex is not on my mind. Sure, it's "easy" to just forget about them but the second something reminds you of them, BAM it's like you get by a semi. The emotions come back: regret, anger, sadness, loneliness, hope, detachment. You can get through this. I can get through this. WE can get through this. We must. 3
Author shatteredworld Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 It's okay, join the club. Not a minute goes by where my ex is not on my mind. Sure, it's "easy" to just forget about them but the second something reminds you of them, BAM it's like you get by a semi. The emotions come back: regret, anger, sadness, loneliness, hope, detachment. You can get through this. I can get through this. WE can get through this. We must. Exactly. When the memories do come back the first few seconds is like reliving with the fact that they're gone. I always forget but then remember everything that happened. I guess it's good that we're forgetting at least for a few seconds. Better than having 100% of the time with them on our minds.
fiftyofsomethin Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Exactly. When the memories do come back the first few seconds is like reliving with the fact that they're gone. I always forget but then remember everything that happened. I guess it's good that we're forgetting at least for a few seconds. Better than having 100% of the time with them on our minds. Very true. I wish there was an Advil for emotional pain. 4
Author shatteredworld Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 How could someone tell you how much they love you and don't want anyone else. How they wish they had met you two years in the future instead, and hope we'll cross paths again. How you have their heart and they won't need it unless you're together again. How could someone tell you all those things if in reality they don't mean it. I still don't understand that, I can't believe he didn't mean it but in my opinion.. when you get into a relationship with someone else right after all that it must've been a lie. That hurts more than anything. 1
lop98 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Exactly. For me seeing him rebound and particularly doing things we had planned for when I'd move in with him (only days after hooking with this girl- as if he was dying to do that and didn't matter with whom) was the biggest low shot I could've gotten from him.. no way back after that, it made me question everything he ever said to me, if I ever meant anything to him at all. Everyone around me talks about how hurt he was and how 'everyone rebounds' but it's the way he did it and all the bulls.hit from beginning to end and then the one that came afterwards and continues to this day, no respect whatsoever for me or our relationship.
Author shatteredworld Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 It's been almost two months since he's got a new girlfriend and I can't believe that I am still trying to figure out what the deal is. He told me he loved me for the first time a month before we broke up. So clearly he wasn't planning this for a long time or anything. He tells me a relationship isn't the best thing for him now and he wishes he met me 2 years in the future. Then I hear he's around hooking up with girls. And then out of no where he's in a relationship. It makes no sense. I just can't get over any of this, I just never got closure and it's killing me.
lop98 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) I relate so much to what you're saying because I went through the same (except he never even bothered to explain anything, he basically went from saying he was deeply in love with me and that the distance hurt, to being depressed and cutting me out of his life, to rebounding with some chick he's still with 2 months later). Three things have helped me: 1) reading TaraMaiden's No Contact Guide, especially the part on closure... I don't think there's such a thing as closure anymore, 2) strict NC (nothing brings clarity and freedom like this- and by NC I mean mostly stop checking up on their social networks, which was killing me) and 3) getting to know other people, I started seeing this cute guy, nothing serious but he seems to be in my thoughts more often, leaving less room for my ex, while I also realize that my ex wasn't all that. The pain is still there but I'm learning not to trigger it and let it bring me down. What happened happened, I won't be able to forgive the way he treated me (during and after BU, when he rebounded) for a long time so ultimately it's not about what he did but the way I feel towards him... which is irreversible for now and that's enough for me to start looking elsewhere and get on with my life. Edited May 8, 2013 by lop98
Justletgo Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I really hate to say this but in my opinion. If you REALLY love someone, you would not want to sleep with anyone else that fast. Not in a relationship - not outside of it. Therefore rebounds are in my opinion the real thing. Real relationships. The time that exes come back -from everything that I have read- is ONLY when they see you with a new partner, it makes them jealous and forces them to think. In other words. Get a new partner - and they MIGHT come running back. The problem is that is not a fun situation to be in ofcourse. 1
Author shatteredworld Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I really hate to say this but in my opinion. If you REALLY love someone, you would not want to sleep with anyone else that fast. Not in a relationship - not outside of it. Therefore rebounds are in my opinion the real thing. Real relationships. The time that exes come back -from everything that I have read- is ONLY when they see you with a new partner, it makes them jealous and forces them to think. In other words. Get a new partner - and they MIGHT come running back. The problem is that is not a fun situation to be in ofcourse. Well he did tell me "he cheated on me and that he'd do anything for me and that's why we couldn't be together anymore cause he didn't deserve me etc etc" I don't even think I can handle a new partner, after all this pain I've been in I honestly think I can't handle being hurt again. I did move away though, so who knows what he'll think after he finds out. This girl appeared to be the exact opposite of me, it just contradicted everything I thought I knew. I just don't know what to believe anymore cause the pain has become too immense, it's been like this for months now and it's not getting better. He's a 19 year old guy, I doubt he would really think twice about not sleeping with someone else after a relationship.
Author shatteredworld Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 I am so miserable, I spend half my days crying still. I just can't cope with any of this. I've always been pretty depressed, but everything that happened with him has just pushed me over the edge. I really don't know how much longer I will be able to handle it.
CopingGal Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I didn't know anything about rebounds before. I had never truly gotten my heart broken before my ex and I didn't know that it took a very long time to heal. I started seeing my ex two weeks after he broke up with his girlfriend. In my mind, I was okay, because I had waited many months for him. He had left me to go back with his girlfriend, so after they broke up, I figured I was finally going to get my chance. I didn't realize it until after I left him (due to emotional cruelty), but he treated me like a rebound person...always. I was with him for three years and was nothing more than a rebound person. He lied to me all the time, told me he loved me, cheated on me, probably throughout the entire relationship, and when he met someone he thought was a good fit for him, cheated on me with her and saw her all the time, although when we dated, I barely saw him because he said he was busy due to his job and his son. I found out later that he had used his son in his lies. Now, I'm aware of much more than before and I don't want to get involved with men who very recently broke up with their partners. I'm much more adept at identifying bull and I don't stand for it. I haven't had a relationship in a long time. One reason is because the men I meet on dating sites treat dating like a joke or a game. I won't date a man who does not respect me.
Justletgo Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Well he did tell me "he cheated on me and that he'd do anything for me and that's why we couldn't be together anymore cause he didn't deserve me etc etc" I don't even think I can handle a new partner, after all this pain I've been in I honestly think I can't handle being hurt again. I did move away though, so who knows what he'll think after he finds out. ... He's a 19 year old guy, I doubt he would really think twice about not sleeping with someone else after a relationship. He unfortunately told you that so that you would hopefully no longer want him anymore. Therefore sparing you some pain. And yes, I wouldn't be able to handle a new partner that soon after a breakup either. But the people that leave us for others don't feel that way because they just don't see it as a loss (yet). And as I said if he really loved you, he wouldn't escalate things to being physical with another woman. I am not saying he never loved you or cares about you in some way. Because apparently he must care in some way, otherwise he would not have tried to let you down 'softly'. But apparently not enough to come back. My apologies for being so blunt, just trying to get the point across. Our situations just suck.
AKisBaked Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 welcome to the club where you find out that your ex is with someone new within a month, week or a few days prior to your break up.. I would say if you are able to control your emotions and really decide that you can move on then go ahead and find someone new. But I think a rebound helps to boost your ego but your still going to be be emotionally hurt because the person your with your going to compare and judge. Its normal to compare someone else to the new person your with because your not fully over the person from before (subconsciously) (some people are different I can't speak for everyone on how they feel) If you don't go through a rebound you can simply just focus on yourself and making yourself a better person overall. Eventually when you find someone new it will be better. You have time to reflect and do what you like to do. Focus on yourself. Time will heal things better in a way instead of jumping into a bad relationships. Where you may make rash decisions. Be smart. Good luck
selfsabotager Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 How could someone tell you how much they love you and don't want anyone else. How they wish they had met you two years in the future instead, and hope we'll cross paths again. How you have their heart and they won't need it unless you're together again. How could someone tell you all those things if in reality they don't mean it. I still don't understand that, I can't believe he didn't mean it but in my opinion.. when you get into a relationship with someone else right after all that it must've been a lie. That hurts more than anything. Live through this everyday. How could you tell me I'm the best thing that ever happened to you? How I make you happier than anyone ever has? How you are more yourself with me than anyone else? Yet walk away and jump right back in with your ex g/f that you spoke so poorly of? Baffled, hurt, saddened, angry, vengeful......just some of my emotions.
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