Week on week off parenting?

[LadyLee]

Hey separated and divorcees, anyone agree to week on week off parenting? Basically it's when the kids spend everyothe week with a different parent. I'm interested on experiences because we have been doing this for a year and it's not working. I believe that kids need consistency and it's almost impossible to achieve this with this type of arrangement. Especially academically...thoughts?

[TheBladeRunner]

Lady "L", crunch on my agreement and see what you think:

 

No matter what, I have my daughter every Monday and Tuesday.

 

Every other weekend I have her Friday, Saturday, Sunday, THEN Monday and Tuesday as well.

 

The cool thing about this is that it isn't so many days (7) in a row w/ my STBXW, and I pick her up from school so I never really need to see my EX.

[Mr. Lucky]

It wasn't week on/week off but for years I had my son 3 days one week and 4 days the next. It is an initial challenge for divorced parents because two of the main ingredients for success - communication and teamwork - are in short supply in a troubled marriage.

 

I will say that, after some initial conflict and awkwardness, it became the new normal for us. A year seems like a long time to be struggling - what are some of the specific issues you're running into?

 

Mr. Lucky

[K Os]

Hi LadyLee,

When we separated we started out doing a 1-week rotation (we have one boy aged 15), but it didn't work out. It was good for me at the time because I hadn't been seeing much of him for a few months before the separation. It didn't suit him at all, though, and as you say, it was too disruptive for his schoolwork. Having to move every week was simply too much hassle. As time has gone on, and taking his wishes into account, we've moved to a 2-week rotation and this seems to work better. He still moans a bit when he has to move, but a fortnight at a time allows him to feel settled and also that he isn't out of touch with either of us. Things have got tricky when I've had to go away for work for a month, but in general it seems to work ok and his latest school report and exam results are stellar. Of course, 2 or more weeks without him still seems way too long to me (because none of this was my idea), but it's most important that it's an arrangement that works for him, and this seems to do the trick.

[TailSpin75]

Hi LadyLee - My STBX and I will being week on / week off schedule in a couple of weeks; I have two children (girls 13 & 8). For the past 4 months she has maintained temporary full physical custody while I looked for a place that can accommodate both me and the children (I have been in a 1-bedroom apartment above my friend's garage since December).

 

In anticipation of this transition - I have schedule time with the kids 3 - 4 days a week including overnight here at the apartment. I'm scheduled to move in to a townhouse this Saturday and we plan to go full week on / week off the week after next.

 

Mr. Lucky brings up a good point regarding communication and teamwork usually lacking in broken marriage. In my case - I'm on the receiving end of the divorce - blindsided and continuing to have my struggles 4.5 months into this. However, we have been kind and cordial to one another (though it pains me so) - for the greater good... that of the children. So I call my kids the days I don't have them and am welcome to take them at any time (assuming they don't have plans with her at the time). For the rest of this school year, STBX will pick the kids up from my place (we will only live 2 miles away) in the mornings and take them to school (I must leave for work 2 hours before they need to be there) and they will ride the bus to her place everyday where I will pick them up after work. Again... this is for the rest of this school year - will figure something out for next year so not to 'depend' on her when it's my week with the kids.

 

I'm optimistic about this arrangement with my children - both for them and myself. And as I've mentioned - maintaining a cordial relationship with STBX does make compromise and sacrifices easier (wish she was this 'open' and communicated during the marriage). Also... the kids are in favor of this arrangement as (unfortunately) they know many children who have divorced parents and are also on this schedule.

[GuyInLimbo]

I HOPE to be able to do this once I move on. I recently found a couple of really helpful articles that you guys might find helpful as well.

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Divorce-Doesnt-Have-to-Destroy-Your-Kids---50-Guidelines-For-Divorcing-and-Divorced-Parents&id=3466787

 

Top 10 Co-Parenting Tips: Low-Conflict Divorce & Child Custody | Mr Custody Coach

 

Rosalind Sedacca: Cooperative Co-Parenting: Keys To Making It Work

 

Susan K. Smith, Attorney, Mediator and Victim Advocate - Avon CT

[Act Two]

I'm still recently separated but that would be way too much time apart for us. What about you get Monday, Wednesday and every other weekend? Your ex gets Tuesday/Thursday and every other weekend?

[LadyLee]

Thanks for the replies, you all have some pretty good ideas. The reason that it isn't working out is because my ex H is still very bitter. He rants to the children, co-workers, and pretty much anyone who will listen. He exaggerates. He's not involved really. I'm beginning to fear that he only wanted week on week off parenting so that he wouldn't have to pay much child support. It's really sad. The children are pretty miserable going over there though I try to be optimistic and keep them grounded. Since he has to pay me very minimal child support, he refuses to buy them ANYTHING! Project things for school, glasses, fillings for their teeth, even though the divorce decree clearly states that we should split any out of pocket expenses down the middle. I thought that he would settle as time has gone on but it's still the same. It's to the point that I don't want to see him coming because I know that drama will surely follow. As far as communication, there is none. it's like brick walls all the way around. He tries to communicate through the children though I have asked him repeatedly not to do so. (sigh).

[CarrieT]

My fiance has been doing week-on, week-off parenting for five years. In short, he takes the kids (now 11 and 14) to school on a Friday morning and their Mom picks them up after school on Friday. We then have a week without the kids until we pick them up from school the following Friday.

 

It was quite a struggle for my fiance for a long time. He hired a Nanny to help him with housework, picking the kids up, babysitting, laundry, etc. Now that I have moved in, the Nanny is working less hours but is still responsible for the kids' laundry and after school shuttling (I cook meals).

 

What has been interesting is that for many years (so I was told), the kids didn't really like being at their Dad's house because Mom's house (once the communal home) involved everything that was bigger, better, and easier. In short, Mom lets them eat whatever and whenever they wanted, lets them go to bed whenever, and -- almost SIX years after the divorce -- is still very bitter and nasty about Dad with the children.

 

Dad's house was a quick rental he got to be near the kids during the divorce and is not nearly as grand as the palatial home they had together. It is decorated with mostly IKEA junk and even though he pays a modicum of child support, spent his entire retirement savings to fight for 50% custody. The parents still only communicate via lawyers and mediators.

 

Now that I have gotten involved with the family, the 14 year old daughter and I have bonded tremendously and she has opened up how much she prefers being at Dad's house now instead of Mom's. She has said that for a long time, she didn't like being at Dad's because he was a lot more strict and she didn't have as many of her "things" around her like she does at her Mom's. What she is now seeing is just how nasty her Mother still is and how much her Dad has chilled that he has love in his life. That part has all been very charming to me (considering I never wanted children).

 

Academically, the kids are doing fine because both parents live within a few blocks within each other and the kids do just fine at their school. It seems the school knows of the arrangement and deals with this type of thing with a number of children, knowing exactly which parent to call on which week if something happens. The parents only deal with each other in person at occasional school events that both are required/invited to attend.

 

The only problem is the duality of STUFF. Before I came into the picture, there would be this line in the sand that if the kids had a cool bicycle or computer at one house, they needed it at the other because there was no way it could go back-and-forth. We are starting to see that the daughter likes it better with us and may ask to live with us full time.

 

We actually like knowing that if the kids are having a bad week for any reason (sometimes the 12 year old boy gets unruly), there are only a few days left until we can have some quiet, adult time...