LadyLee Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Hi all, I'm new to the boards. I've been lurking for a bit but decided to come out since you guys are so helpful. I was married for 15 years, we married young and had four kids. The only thing that I can say is that we grew a part. How does it happen? We both have high octane demanding jobs that require us to spend time away but it's not consistant. We both stepped out on the marriage and it just wasn't healthy anymore. Neither of us wanted to work with it anymore and I agonized over ending it. Well once divorce was inevitable, H took a weird turn. He seemed so consumed with his own pain that he lashed out at everyone. Family, kiddos etc. I expected him to be a beast to me but I'm totally shocked at his continued treatment of the kids. He isn't abusive or anything, he just doesn't want to do ANYTHING with them. He doesn't take our son to get hair cuts, assist in dental appts or anything and the kids are growing resentful. It's hard enough to deal and get them through it. We have been divorced almost a year now and nothing is changing. (sigh) Does it get better? Lee
Gunny376 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 The short answer? Its pain avoidance. But he's acting it out through a 'male script" ~ "Its only a flesh wound Sir!" But he's actually in a serious hurt locker! And he's having difficulty "processing" his feeling and emotions. Ideally, ALL of you should go into couseling ~ IC and such and work through it together ~ to re-define the new dynamic of each other's role in the "new normal" AS in "I'm OK, Your OK! We're OK!" I'll post more later ~ its late and I just got in from work. For the time being you might want to check these books~ "Growing Up Divorce" and "Second Chances" and "Crazy Time!"
GuyInLimbo Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Speaking as a father, I cannot fathom how ANY man could neglect his kids post-divorce. It's just unthinkable to me. He deserves a punch in the face. The kids NEED their father. What an a-hole. Is he in therapy?? 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 He doesn't take our son to get hair cuts, assist in dental appts or anything and the kids are growing resentful. I'm not sure that kids would get resentful if Dad didn't take them to hair cuts and dental appointments. Is it possible that Mom is resentful and communicating that to the kids ??? Mr. Lucky
amaysngrace Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Kids know when they haven't seen their daddy in a while. They aren't stupid. No it may not get better. Some men are only worth the seed they spread.
Gunny376 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Kids know when they haven't seen their daddy in a while. They aren't stupid. No it may not get better. Some men are only worth the seed they spread. But there very much a thing as parential alienation ~ its not imaginary and its for real! I know about it first hand. Its prevalent among both men and women ~ and is usually a continuation of the cheater's MO in dehumanizing and minimizing the other parent/spouse in order to justify their own actions, insecurities, inadequacies, justifications (real and for the most part imaginary) for having done the deed they've done. I would not say this is true in the case of the OP/ Lady Lee
amaysngrace Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 But there very much a thing as parential alienation ~ its not imaginary and its for real! I know about it first hand. Its prevalent among both men and women ~ and is usually a continuation of the cheater's MO in dehumanizing and minimizing the other parent/spouse in order to justify their own actions, insecurities, inadequacies, justifications (real and for the most part imaginary) for having done the deed they've done. I would not say this is true in the case of the OP/ Lady Lee Yeah true. I hope Lee isn't bad mouthing him and his lack of involvement to the kids. She should take it up with him. They're the grown-ups.
Author LadyLee Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Hi all sorry for the late response, no I painstakingly don't bad mouth him to the children though he does it. The kids are growing resentful (15 yo and 12 yo) mostly because they are repeatedly asking him for things such as school supplies, school dances, phone repairs, eye glass repairs- all that happen on his week and he refuses to do it and tells them to ask me! I have to do these things or they start to struggle academically etc and it's so unfair (at the risk of sounding childish). I'm at wits end with how to handle him. I've tried talking, conjoling, straight out fussing- and nothing. Now we don't communicate at all which is truly sad for the children. Thank you for your imput.
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