vitani Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I had been with my (now ex) boyfriend for around 2 1/2 years and last week I broke it off. I gave him the whole, "I love you but am just not in love with you" story. He is WONDERFUL to me, and I am undeserving of him when I'm not 100% invested - so I broke it off. I had also been interested in someone else but came to the realization that it was mainly just intense attraction and that at the end of the day, I wasn't even going to pursue it. I thought that it would be easy to end things, but I was a complete and total emotional wreck - almost instantly feeling like I had made a mistake and that I should have talked about my needs and his that were not being met before I impulsively ended our relationship. We talked in person recently and discussed where we went wrong in our relationship, both identifying our own issues that we need to work through, and are planning on meeting up one time a week to "get to know each other" again, while embarking on our own journeys of (hopeful) self discovery. We are not back together. (DISCLAIMER: I understand that I am extremely lucky for him to even give me the time of day after dumping him. He even said that it was out of character for him, but is hopeful in making this work.) Neither of our issues are huge things, like infidelity or abuse, but things that did hurt our relationship at the end of the day. We got along wonderfully, but I was feeling like my emotional needs were not being met, and he admitted that he keeps things in a lot out of fear of being judged or looking bad (something I'm hoping he can work through). I'm not sure how long it will take us to figure out if this can work or not, but my question for all you lovely people is - do you just KNOW when it's right? I've always longed for this "can't wait to get married and pop out your babies" kind of love, but feel that that's unrealistic and that I'm hurting a perfectly lovely relationship because of this expectation. Does that exist?? I am at an age where many of my friends are married, getting married, and discussing children - so I wonder if it's my own fear of commitment? I have no "timeline" on my life, but still feel the pressure from the constant weddings and engagement parties/showers, and I'm sure he does too. I am currently seeing a therapist in hopes of working through some of these things. Any input or similar experience would be greatly appreciated! 1
TheFriend Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I was left for what I later found out was an attraction to another man by my ex... You better be damn sure your over that kind of stuff because the last thing you want to do to either yourself or partner is go through this again months down the road. That being said, relationships are not easy. Just be sure you are not doing this for comport only. Make sure your heart is still in it. Don't let the friends/world get into your head in regards to the marriage/Engadement stuff. Only you know what is right. Trust your gut. Thefriend
Got it Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I was in the same crossroads my senior year of college. We had been together since high, fought a lot, broke up a lot, codependent A LOT, but liked each other as friends but had issues. Well I realized I couldn't even go to the grocery store alone and needed to be on my own, I wanted to date others, etc. We broke up but (of course) stayed in contact and I became miserable. I had no network set up to get over my codependency and my world circled around him. We messed around but not together that weird murky state and I found out one weekend that he made out with another girl. Crushed me. We weren't technically together, I had broken up with him, etc. I went into a severe depression, struggled, etc. And months later we got back together and finally my struggles were over, my safety net was there, it was such a relief and I was so happy to have something consistent and steady back. It still wasn't perfect, the other issues were there, but hey we were back together! So the outcome? We married and divorced. My recommendation, give it time, work on you, try and mourn this relationship and give the break a chance. There are good reasons you guys broke up. If you get back together, I can't stress couples counseling enough. You have to work on the foundation but if I knew then what I know now, I would have taken the harder road, dealt with my issues alone and gained my independence that took years to get. The struggles were symptoms of issues with me that I needed to address, instead I just put the safety cap back on them. 1
Author vitani Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Thank you! Got it, that sounds a lot like my relationship with my college boyfriend. Fights, breaking up, jealousy, the whole shebang. He even became physically abusive to me at one point. We were terrible for each other but I did not want to let him go because I was in a state of depression and depending on him as an emotional crutch. FORTUNATELY for me he was able to recognize how unhealthy our relationship was and left me. He also got another girl pregnant less than a month after we broke up, which really hammered the nail in the coffin. This guy, however, is wonderful. We never fight, nor are we dependent on each other. Could we have spent more time with friends as individuals instead of a couple? Yes. I am planning on taking as much time as I need to sort through this and get to know him again, without any physical relationship. If it doesn't feel right, then I'll move on and so will he. I'm perfectly content being alone and have never been one to need someone else to ease my anxieties (no offense to you, we all have our issues). Part of my self exploration will be to figure out my feelings about marriage in general. My parents divorced when I was young and HATE each other. My sisters have also been married and divorced, as well as my aunt. So, basically, I have not had much to go on in regards to positive outcomes from marriage - and wonder if that causes me to be biased. Again, something I'm planning on exploring with my therapist. I'm sorry your story with your ex ended the way it did, and wish you nothing but happiness in your next one!
ComeUpOutDaWahta Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I had been with my (now ex) boyfriend for around 2 1/2 years and last week I broke it off. I gave him the whole, "I love you but am just not in love with you" story. He is WONDERFUL to me, and I am undeserving of him when I'm not 100% invested - so I broke it off. I had also been interested in someone else but came to the realization that it was mainly just intense attraction and that at the end of the day, I wasn't even going to pursue it. I thought that it would be easy to end things, but I was a complete and total emotional wreck - almost instantly feeling like I had made a mistake and that I should have talked about my needs and his that were not being met before I impulsively ended our relationship. We talked in person recently and discussed where we went wrong in our relationship, both identifying our own issues that we need to work through, and are planning on meeting up one time a week to "get to know each other" again, while embarking on our own journeys of (hopeful) self discovery. We are not back together. (DISCLAIMER: I understand that I am extremely lucky for him to even give me the time of day after dumping him. He even said that it was out of character for him, but is hopeful in making this work.) Neither of our issues are huge things, like infidelity or abuse, but things that did hurt our relationship at the end of the day. We got along wonderfully, but I was feeling like my emotional needs were not being met, and he admitted that he keeps things in a lot out of fear of being judged or looking bad (something I'm hoping he can work through). I'm not sure how long it will take us to figure out if this can work or not, but my question for all you lovely people is - do you just KNOW when it's right? I've always longed for this "can't wait to get married and pop out your babies" kind of love, but feel that that's unrealistic and that I'm hurting a perfectly lovely relationship because of this expectation. Does that exist?? I am at an age where many of my friends are married, getting married, and discussing children - so I wonder if it's my own fear of commitment? I have no "timeline" on my life, but still feel the pressure from the constant weddings and engagement parties/showers, and I'm sure he does too. I am currently seeing a therapist in hopes of working through some of these things. Any input or similar experience would be greatly appreciated! Not once in this post do I see anything about you doing anything different. The relationship ended because you weren't happy, right? It really seems like this period you and your... friend are going through is just a period in which he needs to change to better suit your needs. Honestly, how would you feel if he were to start seeing someone else? You said in your post that you aren't "together" so it would all be fair game, right? I'm only coming down on you because I don't think anything will change this time around. You just don't feel it with this guy, and nowhere in this post is there anything indicating that you are going to do anything to make it work this time. It's really not fair to him to have this psuedo-relationship going on, filling his head with hope as you keep one eye open for bigger and better things. You already broke it off once to pursue other avenues, so why wouldn't you do that again, especially since you are less committed than before? As to your question of "do you KNOW when it's right?" You can never really say with certainty that you "know" when things are good. That's the love-at-first-sight thing that gets people going. It takes a long time to get to know someone, especially if you plan on being in a relationship with them. I know one thing though: you definitely KNOW when it's not right. And I think you're quite aware of that right now. What you two need is time apart, with no contact. You dumped him and he came back anyway, and you'll end up using him as an emotional crutch when things don't pan out elsewhere. Also, it's only going to hurt you if and when he starts cancelling those once-a-week hangouts to "see a new friend." Don't do this to yourself, and don't do it to him.
Author vitani Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 So what you're saying is that I should just give up on us? That it's unnatural to have doubts and need to take a step back from the relationship to figure out where we need work? I did state "I am currently seeing a therapist in hopes of working through some of these things." Trust me, I have PLENTY of issues that I need to work through and figure out - as I noted in my second post about coming from a divorced family. I don't want this to be over, and I'm not using him as an emotional crutch. I LOVE him and want this to work. If he meets someone else and moves on from this, that's my own issue - but at least I'll know that we've tried to make it work and didn't just give up. Maybe we should cut contact completely as you say, and allow him to move on from this if that's what he needs. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and have never broken up, so this is not something that we go through often. There is more back story that I don't feel like sharing, but please don't accuse me of being selfish and only wanting to change the person that I love without looking at myself as well. I love him for who he is, but there are things (not personality traits) that need to change on BOTH of our parts in order for us to reach our full potential as a couple - and if he's willing to put in the effort, I sure as heck am! BUT, I do appreciate you actually answering the question I asked!
wildflower2017 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 i think the fact that you are so adamantly defending the decision to try to work things out, speaks to how you actually feel about this whole thing. in fact i think you probably already know quite clearly how you feel about him, what your looking for is someone to back you up to get rid of that last shard of doubt. you said you love him and you want to work things out and you even know where things went wrong. you said you didint feel like he met your emotional needs and he even admitted to be withdrawn about sharing his emotions. It seems from what your saying about your friends getting married etc. that the issue of commitment is definitely on your mind. and that can for sure be a scary thing, especially when you feel that the person you love and would like to commit to is not quite giving you everything you need to be happy. I also think a seemingly perfect relationship can be quite intimidating, it can be hard to express why you are not happy as well as even feel like you have a RIGHT to be unhappy in a relationship that is seemingly picture perfect. from your posts i would venture that the main problem you two have is not a lack of love but a lack of communication and if that is something you can remedy then you have a real shot. as for KNOWING when its right, thats a very hard thing to say yes or no too. No relationship will ever be perfect so in my mind, its not about knowing when its right its about knowing when its worth fighting for. I also think if you truly love a person enough, your individual happiness becomes more important to you then your happiness as a couple, which to me means you are both willing to work on it but would also be able to call it quits if that is what is best for one of you. Only you can really know how deeply you feel for this guy. but i think when you have not been emotionally close with a person for a while, the love that you feel for them can be dulled, its like a mode of preservation because you dont want to be hurt, so maybe that is why you felt you were not in love with him and had to break it off. or perhaps he just doesnt inspire that kind of deep emotion from you, only you can tell. ok... hope that was somehow helpful, i accidentally wrote a lot. my basic point is if you really truly love him enough you'll know it but that does not necessarily mean things will feel right or that the relationship is right for you.
SuperGeek Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Same thing happened to me. Ex left for another man. Her new relationship was over within 8 months and she tried to come back to me. By the time she came back I was so angry and hurt that I refused her offer. We never did get back together and I haven't seen/spoken to her since. Next time think your decisions through before making them. Reverse the situation and ask yourself how hard it would be for you to trust him again if he had dumped you to the curb for someone else? Pretty damn hard. Also realize that you might not get him back at this point and he's going to come with trust issues. He will think you're a flight risk (because you are), so you better be willing to deal with that. Oh and I hope you're over the other infatuation you had. Since you're female, you have a higher probable chance of this working out in your favour. Guys can't really get away with this sort of behaviour. Good luck, hope it works out for you. SuperGeek
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