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What is/was the reason your AP said was the impetus for the affair?

bellasue

By bellasue
in The Other Man / Woman

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bellasue Established Member

bellasue

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My xMM had what I viewed as the perfect marriage before the A started. In public they held hands, he would kiss her, always ask if she needed something. I was shocked when he came onto me. Always asked if he was sure in what he was doing and why when it seemed like they had an ideal relationship, perfect kids (grown and successful), nice home, enough money, etc.

 

He always said "there are deficits." He didn't ever expound on the idea except to say their sex life was almost nil (although he did say it does happen) and she doesn't show any love, affection, or appreciation and hasn't for many, many years.

 

He did say the sex we had blew him away. Never knew it could be like that. He said he loved me every day. We had a nice relationship where we could hang out during the day sometimes doing other non-bedroom activities. We seemed to fit in so many ways. And then he threw me under the bus. :mad:

 

In the end, I think he got freaked out at how close we were getting and couldn't make a decision down the road if it went any further. <sigh>

 

Anyway, what were your AP reasons for getting into the affair? Did you ask? Do you think they were being honest? I know this has probably been discussed before......

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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My xMM had what I viewed as the perfect marriage before the A started. In public they held hands, he would kiss her, always ask if she needed something. I was shocked when he came onto me. Always asked if he was sure in what he was doing and why when it seemed like they had an ideal relationship, perfect kids (grown and successful), nice home, enough money, etc.

 

He always said "there are deficits." He didn't ever expound on the idea except to say their sex life was almost nil (although he did say it does happen) and she doesn't show any love, affection, or appreciation and hasn't for many, many years.

 

He did say the sex we had blew him away. Never knew it could be like that. He said he loved me every day. We had a nice relationship where we could hang out during the day sometimes doing other non-bedroom activities. We seemed to fit in so many ways. And then he threw me under the bus. :mad:

 

In the end, I think he got freaked out at how close we were getting and couldn't make a decision down the road if it went any further. <sigh>

Anyway, what were your AP reasons for getting into the affair? Did you ask? Do you think they were being honest? I know this has probably been discussed before......

 

Mine never said.

 

He never complained about his relationship and I simply assumed something must be wrong. When I did ask outright once, he said their relationship was normal and had its ups and downs like all others and he loves her but loves me too. I expected some huge, glaring reason...but it was not that outrageous.

 

I can only extrapolate based on what happened and our conversations versus hearing from him verbatim. He has told me, to this day, that of every woman he's been with he is/was most compatible with me and hasn't felt that with anyone before. He didn't expect to fall for me. However, that doesn't explain why he put himself in the situation to begin with. I think he was with his SO for a long time, since they were teens, they had a child, and nothing was wrong per se but he was restless and so opened himself up to an A. They are no longer together, and haven't been in 3 years, they never married and he says they are better friends than they were a couple and are good friends now. From that I gather that, the relationship ran its course and he outgrew it, but didn't have the impetus to leave yet, so that opened him up to an A.

2sure Established Member

2sure

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I've known several MM. All of them said their wives and families were wonderful , but basically it came down to they wanted more attention.

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BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

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We hit it off from the moment we furst met but stayed platonic coworkers for a year before we kissed late one night. In the first weeks of our A, we talked about WHY we crossed that line because I thought we both had pretty decent Ms. He said: "Aside from the physical qualities, you're independent, funny, smart...and I'm getting a lot more attention here than I am at home."

 

Of course, we got much closer as the months went on, then DDay, then 4 months of NC, which he broke despite the very extreme risks to his comfortable home life. Now he says "I realized that I have never cared for someone the way I care for you, and I will never care for anyone else ever like I do for you"

 

Now we're kind of back on, and I am choosing to believe that it's more because of our feelings for each other vs attention...even though I'm sure LS experience says otherwise...

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bellasue Established Member

bellasue

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Ah....the connection. I know it well.

 

He hasn't contacted me and I don't expect he will. Although for the last decade, we have been spending a lot more time together than even he and his wife. They have almost nothing in common....except time and experience.

 

But, he chose her. So it is what it is.

zevahc Established Member

zevahc

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It started as a friendship....then an EA, then the PA...

 

Reasons...well, it's been expressed that my MW was just never in love with the BS. Said things happened that left bitterness early on, but wouldn't expand on what that was... Said that she is still not sure now if she wants to try and fix things or work on things because she doesn't know if he will go to couples counseling with her. I personally said... "have you asked?". Because... I have been in both shoes...the BS, and now the OM. I know that it's worth taking the shot to find out if you're making the right moves first. Our feelings may be real...but I don't want to be some reason down the road for regret or bitterness more than I already might be...

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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Anyway, what were your AP reasons for getting into the affair? Did you ask? Do you think they were being honest? I know this has probably been discussed before......

 

The marriage was built on rocky foundations. Coming from a religious family he did not consider 'no sex before marriage' a big deal. However, the deal was merely 'no sex'.

 

She fell in love with the married orchestra conductor. Left. Got thrown under the bus and moved back in.

 

They lived alongside one another and being emotionally stunted conflict-avoiders (!) they never addressed any of it.

 

He met me, we fell head over heels in love. He eventually left her. A year later he moved far away and we split up.

 

Just your regular back story. I hear they're all the same ;)

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Goodbye Established Member

Goodbye

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Mine was a DOG. We had reconnected during my divorce and he was being a supportive "friend." Initially he had lots of good things, really good, to say about his wife and his marriage. A few months later he contacted me and said that his wife had said she was very unhappy in their marriage, that she'd fallen out of love with him and that she had no interest in doing things like counseling. He would tell me stories about how they were living in separate parts of the house and would have "separate days" with their son. Essentially they were working out the end of their marriage. Two months later, he started to profess his feelings of love for me and our friendship evolved quickly into an emotional affair then a physical one that lasted a year. Only in January did he confess to me that his wife had NEVER done or said any of those things. That she wanted to work on their marriage. That it was HIM and his feelings for me that were fueling the end of their marriage (if there even would be an end). I was shocked and horrified. Call me a stupid sucker. I'm not sure a MM would tell you what the real reasons are for an affair. I'm not sure they even know.

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SweetBella1 Established Member

SweetBella1

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xMM cited a lack of sex and attention. He said that he and his wife are "great partners" but there isn't enough affection for him. He complained that she would only have sex w/him one or two times per month. (Some M guys would kill for that!) And when they did have sex, HE SAID that she controlled it, was uncomfortable with really getting into it and didn't let him fully...um...do his thing. He said it was a "frustrating" kind of sex.

 

So basically, xMM SAID he cheated because his wife wasn't affectionate and sexual enough for his tastes.

 

But I know he REALLY cheated because he is narcissistic and a serial cheater who loves sex and uses women as conquests. I feel sorry for his wife, I really do. He married her when she was so young, (20) and she is basically his android wife, totally under his thumb. She is thoroughly controlled by him - which is exactly how it has to be for him -and he is bored with it. So he goes out and finds his excitement. Ugh.

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Got it Established Member

Got it

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His reasoning:

 

They got pregnant early on in their relationship and while they broke up got back together for their child.

 

Married to qualify for a loan to buy a house.

 

Had separate lives and no real emotional connection.

 

Her affair and her reaction to him finding out solidified the lack of connection and left him very hurt. He healed on his own he said and was planning how to leave the marriage. He struggled with waiting until the kids were grown or ending it earlier but having to leave the kids.

 

Was in a worse financial situation than a few years prior which added to the struggle of finding out about her affair and divorcing.

 

Little sex life and after finding out about her affair he wasn't as interested in having sex with her and so turned to porn.

 

 

My reasoning:

 

Was married to my high school boyfriend.

 

We had extremely separate lives. I had friends that had never met him as he had no interest in leaving the house.

 

He had severe depression for years as well as OCD and refused to get help.

 

Would not do any therapy, IC or CC, and I asked for it over a 5 year period.

 

We had almost no sex life, the first 6 months of our married life we didn't have sex and we didn't even realize it until about month 4. Our sex life was not good even when we had sex which was the norm since we were teens. There was no desire to fix it, no desire to discuss it, and no desire to have sex two days in a row. I would bring it up, asking for it and he would say that he couldn't have sex that often, wasn't in the mood, etc. I just accepted it as it was what it was.

 

I walked down the aisle with the thought that divorce isn't that hard flitting across my brain. But we had been together for years by that point, it was something that I thought I wanted and had been pushing for years prior. I figured it was just normal jitters.

 

And the last year or so I had some moments where I realized I needed to move on. They are all tied to events in our life that I don't want to get into but I was emotionally done with the marriage and was making plans to leave when the affair started. One major moment, I started traveling a lot for work and I realized one evening that I was happier alone in a strange hotel room than when I was home with him. I felt awful about that but I just couldn't manufacture the desire to want to keep trying.

Praying4Peace Established Member

Praying4Peace

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I was in a happy place, but not fulfilled in my marriage. We didn't connect and sex was a chore to me.

 

xMM was in a horrible, dysfunctional marriage where they were 'co-parents'. His W had left him for almost a year and only had returned for the kids- after which she refused to acknowledge that she loved him (this is her words and his so they are legit). He was completely starved for love and affection.

 

According to him I was his perfect girl, soulmate and that we were a match made in heaven. We did get along perfectly on all levels but after about a year and some months he decided he had to honor his W's wish to never D and work things out. She had really begun to try and work on the M and I wouldn't have wanted to be the reason directly for him leaving. He also has a very very strong connection to his kids and a paralyzing fear of being alone- ever.

cocorico Established Member

cocorico

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Anyway, what were your AP reasons for getting into the affair? Did you ask? Do you think they were being honest? I know this has probably been discussed before......

 

Of course I asked - I knew he had been hit on many times during his decades-long M, and had never engaged before, so I was interested to know what was different this time around.

 

What he said: that after decades of being told how pathetic he was, how useless and unlovable and embarrassing he was and how no woman would ever look at him... He could not believe his eyes when a woman "way out of his league" (as he saw it then) approached him with such a proposition. He was feeling particularly despondent, recognising that his reconciliation had failed and he had no means of holding his then-W to her promises, he could only leave her and that would traumatise the kids again and undo all the effort he'd invested into stabilising their lives after allowing her back. H felt trapped, desperate, depressed, and this offered a lifeline to allow him to stick it out until the kids were old enough for another split to become a possibility.

 

I thought he was being honest insofar as decades of gas lighting had allowed him to view "reality", but I think that he had more options than he was able to see at the time. I also think that his views were obfuscated by his own childhood experiences of D, and the trauma suffered by his kids during the first separation (during which they witnessed her physically attacking him, etc) could be averted by handling a separation responsibly, and that the damage they continued to suffer through the perpetuation of the toxic M needed to be considered too.

RickFox Established Member

RickFox

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Xmw never said.

 

If I had to speculate I'd say that:

 

*She lacked attention at home as her H worked 6 days a week (at the time).

 

*He didn't pay her compliments or stare at her like I did (and got caught

doing)

 

*He provided a nice amount of psychological abuse disguised as jokes (you're ugly, you're stupid, you're a douche, all said with a smile), never complimented her.

 

So I provided that for her but in the end, what I truly suspect is that she felt she deserved that treatment, that she was no better than what she settled for and I was merely an escape, a substitute penis, someone who treated her so much better but was "too good" for her.

 

It's all speculation and in the end, means absolutely nothing now.

waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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What he said: that after decades of being told how pathetic he was, how useless and unlovable and embarrassing he was and how no woman would ever look at him...

 

Makes you wonder why they got married in the first place :(

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Got it Established Member

Got it

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This was a verbatim copy from the cheating manual for MM.

 

I am always surprised at how effective the line is.

 

 

It works because sometimes it is actually true. But, sometimes it is a lie.

 

 

But, what do you expect in a very long term marriage? How can anyone compare NEW sex with 25 year OLD sex?:sick:

 

Many people do and say that a well established relationship has a more complex, deep, and spiritual connection than a new partnership. And so the sex is much better, it has more layers.

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bellasue Established Member

bellasue

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:laugh: You mean there's a cheating man's guide?!!!!! Who knew?
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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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That is quite true for those that have imagination. Great sex in an affair is easy because of the built in hurdles and the NEW body. Great sex in a 25 year old marriage is what separates the men from the boys.

 

However, the line: I get no sex at home is worn out. Sometimes it is true and sometimes it is a lie.:cool:

 

I am going to say I agree with this wholeheartedly. I know everyone's situation is different every OW/OM, BS,MM/MW. In my own experience this is true. My WH and I have been together 17 years and have been married for 12. Our sex life is out of this world. We have probably experimented every position out there and come up with some new one's too. I am more adventurous than WH in the bedroom, yet my WH complained to MOW that we did not have enough sex. My WH was home late, never helped with the kids, and didn't really pay much attention to me. It affected our sex life duh. He, of course, thought I was the problem and had his A.

 

In my A (fMOW here), the build up to the actual sex was better than the sex. The OM filled an emotional void during a time that I was reeling from my WH's first A. My WH explained sex with MOW the same. He loved the ego boosting best.

SweetiePie12 Established Member

SweetiePie12

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Did you ask?

 

Yes, I've asked more than once: "...so, what are you doing here?" He always responds complimentarily toward me: that I'm cool, he likes me, etc..

lilmisscantbewrong Established Member

lilmisscantbewrong

Posted
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Anyway, what were your AP reasons for getting into the affair? Did you ask? Do you think they were being honest? I know this has probably been discussed before......

 

He always had me on a pedestal so it didn't take much once he really got I was interested. He would constantly pinch me and say "are you real?".

 

It wasn't until the affair (or after) and they went into counseling that he realized things weren't as good as he thought at home. I mean they didn't have any apparent problems (that I knew of). We were around them as couples a lot and seemed okay, but obviously it wasn't.

 

He said they didn't have sex more than twice a month but it wasn't because she didn't want to, it was because HE didn't want to - said he wasn't interested and it took too long and that was disappointing to her.

 

I think he settled actually. It was time to get married, she was a high school friend and classmate, she fit into the family well, etc. I don't think there was ever the "I'm head over heels crazy for you". It was just a good fit.

 

I am not trying to sell myself as something wonderful, but I am very attractive and outgoing and fairly talented (she says humbly :)) and his wife is quiet, reserved and cute but not the same as me, I guess. He was a geek in high school and mouthy (athletes put him in trash cans) and smart. He had bad dating experiences and didn't get "the girl" if that makes sense. We danced one time and he asked if I would have gone to the prom with him and I said "yes I would have" and he said that I wouldn't have liked him much in high school. He wasn't nice.

 

Sooo, I think I was a prize to be won and captured. He pursued. I found him charming and irresistable. We both filled huge needs for each other and I believe we loved each other.

 

He just couldn't leave his family.

Mycatsnuggles Established Member

Mycatsnuggles

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I find it hard to believe that no one has referenced this - the void. Something is just lacking in the relationship. Its difficult to label what it is, a connection with the other person. No one else has felt that something is missing in their primary relationship? Its what OM and I have said was the initial reasoning for wanting an affair, because when we met we both honestly admitted to being open to the posibility.

 

Then there was the romance and sex. The kicker that sent the affair over the top.

 

We have talked about the what and the why often. I do believe he was honest, I know I was. There was just an emptiness and sense of wondering if there was more.

  • Like 1
skylarblue Established Member

skylarblue

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I asked xMM why he chose to go there with me initially, and why he continued the A. His answer to the first question was I intrigued him, and I was a once in a lifetime opportunity that he couldn't pass up. Translation: you were an attractive, young girl that I couldn't believe would be interested in me. Not only did I want to (bleep) you because I was sexually attracted, but I also was curious as to how you were in bed.

 

His answer to the second question was because he loved me, and he was willing to and had no regrets about putting his M in jeopardy. Not only do I believe him, but I'm happy to know it (although it's kinda jank for a guy to have no regret/remorse for cheating on his W). However, as lovely as I thought it was, it might have been more effective/warming if 1)he hadn't stated in previous unrelated conversations that we wouldn't haven't lasted as long if the sex wasn't so good, and he had the best of both worlds, what man wouldn't be happy with that and 2)I already knew/believed all those things before and without him even saying them. I can say that he never threw me under the bus, thankfully. Nor did he dump me to work on his M (not saying that's a good thing, but I'm not disappointed that it didn't happen).

 

I also asked xMM about the state of his M before the A, as I always believed (still do) that he was happily married. He claimed problems and dissatisfaction with it/her beforehand, but he never once mentioned it as a factor for his infidelity, and I don't believe it ever was. I thought it was weird that he always made W out to be the bad guy (everything was wrong with her and her fault), but he never said his cheating was because of her.

So happy together Established Member

So happy together

Posted
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Letsee, he said she was a drunk. No sex in twelve years. No companionship. She refused to do anything that he liked, such as hiking or going to fun concerts. She was a couch potato. Didn't support him when he needed it. There's more, I just can't think of it right now.

cocorico Established Member

cocorico

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Makes you wonder why they got married in the first place :(

 

He thought he could save her. (He was a kid, didn't know any better...)

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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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Some long term married people are able to maintain butterflies because they know what they are doing. They know how to meet each other's emotional needs and they are intrinsically happy. Others have no clue about how to maintain a relationship and need new flesh regularly. These folks tend to be philanderers.

 

This is very true. Thanks Pierre for pointing this aspect of marriages out. It still doesn't mean these types of marriages are free from feeling a void at certain times. That's when the couple needs to communicate, go to a marriage counselor, not have an A. One thing that has always confused me is that some MM/MW embark on an A to prevent a D and then when DDay hits are surprised that a D is happening because of the infidelity.

NPP10 Member

NPP10

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Mine said he got married too young. His W is a few years older than him. He went on to saying after kids, things just changed between them. It wasn't only the sex. Just two different people. She works a lot. He takes care of the kids. She doesn't give him any attention, ever cooks for him. Allegedly, they barely speak. The two of them only have a few things in common anymore. His quote was, "I'm still with her because she can't take care of herself or the home on her own."

 

Eventually, I am going to speak up and put him in his place. I haven't had the courage just yet (on this, and other things). I just want to say to him "you knew some of these things before marriage--then why did you do it?"

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