lisa19 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. In the first bit (that fireworks, butterflies stage) everything was great. We fell hard and fast in love and moved right in together. I rarely LOVED sex with him, but I fell hard in love with him and we had god sex sometimes, and I was so in love with him that I figured I could deal with the "okay" sex. A year later, we started to settle into reality as the fireworks faded. Since then, so for about 2.5 years now, things have been challenging and getting worse. Sex has becoming less frequent and it's not enjoyable for me at all. I just don't feel attracted to him in any way. We fight constantly and live like brother and sister, not lovers. I don't feel like I'm 'in love' with him. I have become a meaner version of myself as things have declined over the years. I don't have much respect for him anymore, either. He's very much a nice guy and a pleaser, to a fault, and I have fallen into a habit of walking all over him in our relationship. And he lets me. So I cannot respect him, and I am ashamed of my own behavior. The problem is, we are perfect in theory, on paper, etc. We have similar life goals and very similar day-to-day habits, and so I feel like I have a good thing here that I shouldn't throw away. We have used the word 'soulmate' to describe our relationship, moreso early on, and so have those who know us. From the outside we are a perfect couple. I don't know if I am being too picky, and if I need to just work on getting back on board with things, or if it's even possible. I feel terrible for dragging this on (and yes, he knows about my doubts; we've have ongoing discussions about it and our issues for nearly two years). I wish I could say I love him and would do anything to stay with him, but I don't feel that way anymore. I wish I did. I wish I cared more about 'us'. This is my first serious relationship, so I have no idea if this is normal stuff couples go through, if my expectations are too high, etc. I'm so conflicted.
BustedUpInside Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 It does sound like it is time to end the relationship. I am not trying to be mean or overly harsh, but it seems like you are only staying in this relationship because YOU have it so well while your partner does all the work and does not get much in return and actually suffers because you are mean to him and disrespect him. He deserves to be in a relationship where his partner is attracted to him, respects him, and is grateful to be with him instead of you, who are just "settling" for him because you are used to the routine.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I went through this with an ex, but it wasnt just bad sex... it was GOD AWFUL and did nothing for me. Oral sex was good. Kissing was fine. Hugs were awesome. The bond we shared was great. Intercourse was just HORRENDOUS though. He was a minute man and when he didnt shoot quick, he didnt get hard... I was head over heels in love with him though, so I thought we would be able to work through it. I asked him to try to make things better in bed, and if he couldnt, go to a Dr because when he would get hard, he would cum in a minute and when he didnt get hard...... well, he didnt get hard and we didnt have sex. There were issues with erectile dysfunction and he refused to address it seriously. I started talking to him about it around 6 months into our relationship. I was very nice initially and really felt horrible for even bringing it up, but I had to. I was miserable and didnt want much sex because I would always feel so sexually frustrated. It was better if we just didnt have sex. He told me he would research and go to the Dr, basically telling me all the things I wanted to hear so I would get off his back. He never, ever went to a Dr in 2 years together. He would pick fights before his appt and then blame me and would say that he would have gone if I had been nicer to him. LOL!!! Right. He was avoiding the situation and avoiding getting help and was also lying to me about ever going, as he had NO intentions of following through. He made appts and for 1.5 years and never actually went to any appt. Anyway, I found out he cheated on me! I literally could have had any man I wanted when I was younger, and he did this to me. I was horribly hurt and didnt have it in me to forgive him after all of it. He was horrible in bed, didnt want to make that situation better, and then couldnt keep his dick in his pants. I couldnt believe the nonsense that became my life. I was done by the end of the two years and very hurt with the situation. Most of our conversations about me asking him to make an appt with the Dr were not fights, but later turned into fights when he would miss his appt. I just felt lied to and betrayed, and he never once thought my pleasure was important. I felt like I wasnt important enough. I eventually just stopped having sex with him because I would cry or be angry after sex because yet again, after years of it, I was just broken by the lack of intimacy. We fell apart. You can change it if you both want to. This goes for almost anything in relationships. You just both need to want it. If I was 67, I may not care as much about sex, or what a man can do in bed. At 17-18, I wasnt giving up my sex life though! It just started! Lol. Life is too short to be miserable and if this is consuming you, you have two choices... change it, or end it. If you cannot change it, end it. If you dont want to end it, change it. I know that is a simple version of what you should do, but in reality, those are your options. Is it something you can deal with forever? Probably not. So why not move on and start you life where you are happy and then find someone who meets your needs. He was one of the first guys I had been with and was someone I cared a lot about. We dated for 2 years and then he cheated. I ended things with him the night I found out. He has not been with anyone since me and still tries to contact me and get me back. Ive been with my husband since I was 19 and Im now 29 going on 3 years of marriage! I dont have any nice words for him and ignore him but I still get messages almost 10 years after our break up saying "I love you. I am so sorry for what I did to you and I would give anything for another chance to be with you and make it right." STILL! 10 years! I just ignore him. It is a big change from 10 years ago when I would give into that nonsense. He had me. He lost me. I am not coming "home." End of story. 1
bluecrabroll Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I remember this old guy saying something to me to the likes of "The person you fall in love and marry is not going to be the same person 20 years from now and neither will you. The only difference is that you appreciate the changes and respect the person you are with." Relationships take work, not everything occurs naturally and spontaneously. If you do not feel like putting in the effort and work into the relationship then I think it is time to end things with him. If you do not want to end things then put some effort into it and see where things go. It's admirable that you realize you are walking over him and are ashamed of it but why do you keep doing it if you notice it?
bitterruin Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I'd say that is your decision to make, just know that once you decide to end it there's no going back and there should be no contact between the two of you, no trying to be friends, no post-break up sex (not that you'd want it apparently), no "I miss you" breadcrumb texts, nothing. You say it's your first serious relationship so be prepared to start ignoring his calls. It's also going to hurt not having a person you've known for so long as part of your life anymore. The problem is, we are perfect in theory, on paper, etc. We have similar life goals and very similar day-to-day habits, and so I feel like I have a good thing here that I shouldn't throw away. I don't know if I am being too picky, and if I need to just work on getting back on board with things Make sure you really think about this though, if you still believe that there is even a glimmer of hope and you're both willing to do whatever it takes to salvage the relationship then it might be prudent to take whatever steps necessary to do it.
Author lisa19 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 It does sound like it is time to end the relationship. I am not trying to be mean or overly harsh, but it seems like you are only staying in this relationship because YOU have it so well while your partner does all the work and does not get much in return and actually suffers because you are mean to him and disrespect him. He deserves to be in a relationship where his partner is attracted to him, respects him, and is grateful to be with him instead of you, who are just "settling" for him because you are used to the routine. You really hit the nail on the head. I am guilty of staying in this relationship, at least in part, out of comfort and fear of being alone. And I totally agree that he deserves to be in a relationship with someone who has not been on the fence for so long. Personally, if I was in his shoes, and my partner told me that he was not sure he still loved me but wanted time to figure it out, I would likely show him the door. But he doesn't/won't do that because to him, losing me is the only thing worse than being in an unfulfilling relationship. But like bitterruin said, I also have a glimmer of doubt about breaking up, and that is what's keeping me around. I have to be sure, one way or the other, before I can make a move. And because I know he won't be the one to do it, I am trying to be sure of what I want before I end things.
Jbum5 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 (edited) Lisa, your post intrigues me. You state that your boyfriend is nice and a pleaser, to a fault, and that you've gotten used to walking all over him in the relationship. If you were to hold all else constant (as in acceptable, including the sex), would that single aforementioned fact cause you to lose respect for him, and hence attraction? In other words, let's say sex is great, fights happen but not excessively, everything is acceptable to you, but he is nice in the sense that you say he is that he allows you to walk over him, i.e. you ask him to do something (anything) and he'd make sure he'd do it and maybe even go above and beyond just to please you - would you have lost respect anyway? Edited April 30, 2013 by Jbum5
Author lisa19 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Lisa, your post intrigues me. You state that your boyfriend is nice and a pleaser, to a fault, and that you've gotten used to walking all over him in the relationship. If you were to hold all else constant (as in acceptable, including the sex), would that single aforementioned fact cause you to lose respect for him, and hence attraction? In other words, let's say sex is great, fights happen but not excessively, everything is acceptable to you, but he is nice in the sense that you say he is that he allows you to walk over him, i.e. you ask him to do something (anything) and he'd make sure he'd do it and maybe even go above and beyond just to please you - would you have lost respect anyway? If it was that simple, I don't think I would have. But it isn't as easy as "he is nice and lets me walk all over him." He cannot assert himself in the relationship and he does not stand up for himself. He disregards what I tell him I'm feeling and instead 'decides' that I'm feeling another way, I'm just not telling him. I've called him out on this many times and told him it's not fair, but it persists. He bases his actions and decisions off of how he think I'll react, which makes me feel like a) I'm being assessed all the time and b) like I shouldn't bother being open with him because he only focuses on how he thinks I feel or what he thinks I want. So to answer your question, I think I probably would have. If the sex was good and we got along well, but this issue persisted, I would likely still be bothered by it. I cannot love or respect a person who doesn't respect himself. I also cannot handle being coddled, especially by someone who is supposed to be my equal. We are not equal in this relationship; I tower over him metaphorically. Although he is working on it and I have noticed small improvements, I feel like it's too little, too late, and the changes are a short-term effort to keep me around.
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