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Forgiveness?

singme2sleep

By singme2sleep
in Coping

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singme2sleep Established Member

singme2sleep

Posted
Posted

Since I haven't started a thread in awhile, thought I'd talk about what's on my mind today. One word...Forgiveness.

 

I am 3.5 months post breakup and while I do feel that I'm moving on, still not sure if I forgive him. A few people have mentioned this to me, saying that I will eventually be able to forgive him for hurting me and that will be the ultimate step of acceptance. I know for sure that I don't want him back but I am still angry for what he put me through. How hard is it to reach forgiveness?

 

How many of you forgave your ex and how many aren't there yet and why?

 

**And I don't mean actually confronting them and saying "I forgive you" but just feeling it deep down inside.**

may_girl Established Member

may_girl

Posted
Posted

I think it depends entirely on the circumstance; how did you two break up?

 

I don't see myself forgiving my ex. There was cheating and lying involved and it hurt me a lot, it still does. Maybe there will come a time where I will accept and become indifferent, which I am aiming for, but I can never see myself forgiving my ex, and truly meaning it.

thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted

Forgive and forget??

 

Meh....Im just trying to forget...

 

Hope you are doing well..;).

 

TFY

  • Like 1
CorridorE Established Member

CorridorE

Posted
Posted

I found out during our break up that he had been cheating on me for almost three years. I'm now at the point where I'm no longer angry at him, but I don't think I will ever forgive.

emmalynro Established Member

emmalynro

Posted
Posted

I think in most cases you either achieve forgiveness or ambivalence, and it depends on the circumstances.

 

Not every breakup even requires forgiveness. If you break up because one or both parties aren't happy, nobody needs to be forgiven anything. Sure, feelings can be hurt, but that's not anyone's fault. No one is obligated to love anyone or stay in a place where they aren't happy.

 

Lying, cheating, abuse---these are the only circumstances where it's probably impossible to forgive or not care. In cases of abuse, forgiveness may actually be dangerous at first because it could lead to acceptance. However, forgiving someone doesn't mean you'd let them back in your life!

 

For the vast majority of breakups where people are ****ty and things go wrong, there's really no reason not to forgive. If a guy's a dick, he's a dick, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. If he's realized he's in love with someone else, that sucks, but you can't really hold the love itself against him. If he treated you poorly, then you have to reach a place where you no longer care.

 

The best thing you can do is to care for them and be glad that they're happy. I once dated someone I adored, and about a year after we broke up he found the love of his life. It stung, but knowing that he was happier with her made me happy too---if I couldn't make him that happy, then I shouldn't be with him anyways. I always try to keep this in mind.

 

When my recent ex broke up with me, he spent hours telling me how miserable and upset he was, how he cared SO much about me that he couldn't even focus on anything else in his life, how hard everything was and how devastated he was, etc. I said it was a bunch of bull. But over the next few weeks as we saw each other at work (awkward...) I realized it was true. The dude freaked out every time he saw me and acted like a complete trainwreck. When he talked to my best friend and told her he loved me but was scared of hurting me, I knew he truly did care but was just confused as hell. I overheard from his friends that he does nothing but tinker with his engines and contraptions all day, he doesn't really go out except to drink and that his self-esteem is at rock bottom. Am I still mad at him for everything? Yeah, sure, but I consider it forgiven. When someone isn't well it's hard to hold anything against them.

 

In short, we should all try to 1) be happy for them 2) forgive them or 3) not give a ****. If you can't manage 1, try 2, and if you can't do 2, try 3.

  • Like 3
TheBladeRunner Established Member

TheBladeRunner

Posted
Posted (edited)

Forgiveness started to come about 5 months after DDay. The funniest thing came with that forgiveness though.....and I didn't even have to put in any effort......

 

Acceptance!

 

And with this new acceptance I could move on :)

Edited by TheBladeRunner
CompleteFailure Established Member

CompleteFailure

Posted
Posted

I feel like I've forgiven her some days but others when I'm feeling down and ruminating I start to get angry at her. I try not to stir the pot since we are still in each others lives daily so I try to remember why I forgave her in the first place and that usually helps me set my sights forward again.

 

It's a constant struggle of emotions but deep down I can forgive because I can see the reality of the situation before and now.

Am4Real Established Member

Am4Real

Posted
Posted

For me and generally speaking, if there is a separation in the relationship for whomever may not be in love with the other, there is pain, and for that pain can eventually be peace. After all, if we were to have held our SO to a relationship in which they have no love for us, we are or should be equally pained.

 

However, when there are intentional and deliberate wrongs: lies, lot of lies, cheating perhaps, manipulation, deceit and everything else of ill character, that is a tough one to forgive. Over time we can lower the effect of the pain, maybe tuck the memories away in a dark place where we are not likely to totally forget but in time consider it non bearing on our well being. Forgive... I don't think so.

 

I guess the real question is "why"?

 

I feel I can can accept what happens in time; I may be able to rationalize how it happened; and maybe even understand the character or morals of the person who caused the ill will. I think this understanding is my peace, albeit I still think that person is flawed and see no need to offer silent forgiveness.

 

However, knowing me...should that person come to me and seek forgiveness with legitimate will, I would probably forgive them. In other words I will eventually be at peace yet I have no qualms with helping them find peace if approached. :love:

  • Like 1
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
For me and generally speaking, if there is a separation in the relationship for whomever may not be in love with the other, there is pain, and for that pain can eventually be peace. After all, if we were to have held our SO to a relationship in which they have no love for us, we are or should be equally pained.

 

However, when there are intentional and deliberate wrongs: lies, lot of lies, cheating perhaps, manipulation, deceit and everything else of ill character, that is a tough one to forgive. Over time we can lower the effect of the pain, maybe tuck the memories away in a dark place where we are not likely to totally forget but in time consider it non bearing on our well being. Forgive... I don't think so.

 

I guess the real question is "why"?

 

I feel I can can accept what happens in time; I may be able to rationalize how it happened; and maybe even understand the character or morals of the person who caused the ill will. I think this understanding is my peace, albeit I still think that person is flawed and see no need to offer silent forgiveness.

 

However, knowing me...should that person come to me and seek forgiveness with legitimate will, I would probably forgive them. In other words I will eventually be at peace yet I have no qualms with helping them find peace if approached. :love:

 

Very well said..I agree profusely.

 

TFY

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