im really sad and his parents almost made us break up while dating.

[redanemone]

Im feeling really really sad lately. I love my husband and i know he loves me. Let me give a bit of history first before i explain the current problem. We both grew up in a Pentecostal family, both our dads are pastors. My dad has been a pastor for a very long time and his dad... well, this is where the problem stems. His dad claims that he has the calling and came to the city where i live and wanted to start up a church here. In case you have a doubt as to whether or not this is a holy man, let me tell you, he has spoken about extremly inappropriate topics in church and this caused two families to leave church, MY family and another family. He's been trying to make this church grow for 3 years and he has 1 family to show for his "work". I say "work" because his idea of outreach is holing himself up in the office and reading while his wife cooks food for whoever does show up. Well, this is how i met my spouse.

Now, i married earlier and divorced (thats a whole different story but if you're curious basically he left for another woman)

So while i was attending this baby church i started to notice a few things about His dad. For one, he went to bible college and graduated and this is where the idea stemmed that "i went to bible college, therefore im now a pastor". Im not a spiritual baby and i know that path usually and almost always does not end well. I noticed that my father in law would talk about grand dreams of collecting a salary of something ridiculous of $700 a week and him quitting his job in a very short amount of time. Mind you he never had more than 10 or 11 people in the church building at any given time in 3 years.

But i think you should be starting to get the idea.

The man was not really interested in getting the message of salvation to people that need to hear it, he was more interested in getting people that were already saved into this building so that he could collect a portion of the tides for a salary.

Oh man....

bad news bad news, but thats not even the best part. And i hope that some christians read this too and give me some input because in super confused as to what to do and i dont even know who to talk to about all this. I dont want to talk to my mom about this nor any of my friends.

Anyways, the nail that hit the hammer wasnt even his love of money, nor the innapropriate topics he would preach about in front of two 9 year old girls one sunday morning... which was how lesbians get it on in bed and... yeah, lets leave that just as it is.

No, the best part is that at this time, my husbands younger sister, um i dont want to use real names but lets call my husband John and his little sister Gaby.

Ok, so since this "church" is very small, Gaby has to sing, John plays piano and there was this other guy that came to church and he is older than me, lets name him Nick. I was 24 at that time and this guy looked 27-28.

Nick plays bass guitar and what he calls piano some call noise.

So we found out that Gaby has had a relationship with Nick since she was about 12 and her mother, lets name her Maria, knew all about it and did nothing but keep it secret.

So i find Gaby sobbing uncontrollably in their car and I get her dad because we dont have a clue whats going on.

Before i speak further, we are all hispanic. Just putting that out there.

Turns out that Gaby's boyfriend told her that she isnt going to see him anymore because he's packing up and going back to Guatemala. (personally i think he belongs there) So thats basically how her dad... lets call him.... Steve. THis is how Steve, my now father in law, finds out that Gaby is in a relationship with Nick and of course Maria comes running to defend this creep. Now i dont know about you but if i had a daughter her age and this older man is sending her messages like that? I assume that he isnt going anywhere but wants to have sex with her and needs her to feel sorry for him and sort of, prove me that you love me sort of thing.

OH I was PISSED. Steve was too, because he didnt know any of this was going on. Oh and btw, Nick buys expensive gifts for Gaby without telling her parents. All of a sudden Gaby has a new laptop and her story is that he is letting her "test it out"

 

Let me stop right there with the pre-history stuff about my inlaws. THis is the reason why we now do not continue to go there. Steve accepted Nick as Gaby's boyfriend and allows him to continue playing instruments on the altar with Gaby and her mother singing together. It was too much to bear for me and i told John that the only reason i continue to attend is for him. Because i remember how hard it was for me when i was in a previous relationship and how difficult it was for me when that person that was important to me quit going to church with me and i was left alone. I didnt want to do that to him. We then had a conversation about whether or not we should break up and neither of us wanted to. We both cried about how unfair it is that we have to talk about breaking up because of the dumb desicions that his family make and decided to stay together.

 

OK so we overcame that and got married. The first day we were married his parents found out that we were not planning on continuing going to church with them and his mother threw a fit his dad refused to acknowledge that he had a son and that i was a human being. It was not planned to tell them that way, a third party person brought it upon herself to let them know on our wedding day when the ceremony was over.

 

So we overcame that too, but gossip talks. Especially in a small hispanic church. So over time Maria's friends we're getting too nosy about my business and I told John that i didnt feel comfortable going to the new church that we started going to and he didnt take that well and didnt go to ANY church for a long time. Finally, i decided that i didnt like the feeling of staying at home and doing nothing on Sunday so i went to a non-denominational church that is mostly American right down the road to our house. John did not like the idea of going to a mostly white church and i sort of agreed. It just wasnt what we were used to but i kept going. Sundays would come and i asked him many many times to wake up on time and come with me to church. He's gone a total of 3 times. And at first i would get upset that he no longer wanted to go to church with me and he would not make any suggestions as to going to another church either. So i kept going to the American non denominational church. I still got upset that he just sort of gave up. And thats not the man i married. We used to go to church in the winter when it was snowing outside and the heater of the church had been out for months. It didnt matter before. But now... well it rained last sunday and that gave him the excuse to sleep in until 2pm when i finally had enough and opened the curtain and turned off the heater to make him uncomfortable enough to get out of the bed.

 

Now dont get me wrong, i love John. Im so happy that he chose me. He is a wonderful provider and funny and loving and just a wonderful person to talk to and be friends with.

 

But, well... there's more. About 3 months ago the head of the church organization that placed Steve as a pastor to that mostly empty building said, 'enough is enough, you've been here 3 years and have nothing to show for it so for the moment just go back home and we'll call you if we need you to pastor another church.' and so he replaced him and the new pastor that was placed in that building, withing 2-3 weeks has around 30 people attending church there. See the difference between someone that has a calling and someone that does not?

 

That may sound harsh but i dont know what else to say about that.

 

But that didnt stop, Steve. After all, church is the only was acceptable for Nick to have an excuse to spend hours upon hours with Gaby. unsupervised of course.

Steve decided that he was going to start a church in his own house. I told my husband John basically how i felt about that and that im very sorry but i will not have Steve as my spiritual leader because he's really not even fit to lead his own house, -in my opinion.

John was very understanding but felt conflicted because this is his father and he has always helped his father.

 

Another thing about Steve, before you thrash me and hang me from a noose. Steve does not care nor appreciates what John does for him. John for the longest time helped them pay bills, helped pay off their house, bought instruments with money earned from a close to minimum wage job. And Steve never said thank you and even tried to give away Johns personal piano to the new pastors of the church without telling John anything.

drama everywhere, im so sick of it. And its not even drama between me and John its drama between Steve and how John and I want to live.

 

So i bet your asking, if you've stayed this long and you love John why on earth are you posting this stuff here in the separation/divorce page?

 

I dont feel like im worthy of being John's wife. I feel that he deserves better than me. I told him this one day and he just says, 'dont feel that way' and nothing else. It doesnt really make me feel better.

 

Now, John and I are hard workers and paid off a lot of debt that we have between us before i started to go back to school. Im about to finish my first semester ever in 8 years. btw im 26 and we've been married one year in a few weeks. John is so supportive of me going back to school he told me to drop down to part time at work and we both sold our cars at auction in order to pay off the remaining balances and not have a car payment. (we bought very cheap reliable cars instead of keeping the newer ones we had)

I told him that i didnt want him selling his car because it was the best one and he said, no its necessary. I still feel guilty he sold his car and whenever he sees the same model car he just sighs and says he misses his car. Causing me more guilt. He said it was a neccesary sacrifice for our future and we had no other choice if we want to knock out more debt.

 

He's wonderful. and i dont deserve him.

Lately though his dad has been nagging on him for weeks to go to his house for church and John has always said no. No to his dad and no to me when i ask him if he's going to church with me. Yesterday he told me he was going with me and i even let him sleep a little more so we could go to the late service, but instead he ignored me and so i went to church by myself. Which made me very sad.

Whenever im at church or at school, i just think, if i didnt have my ring on my finger i could pass as a single girl and there's so many cute guys around here. Im ashamed to say ive thought about starting a relationship with someone else but im too afraid of hurting Carlos the way i was hurt. I dont want to do that and decided I wont. But the thought is still there. John wants to go with his dad and play music with him at that "church" again. And i told him that he could if he wanted to but that i would not be going there ever again and he cannot count on my monetary support because thats all his father is interested in. That and i just cannot stand Nick all over (now 15 year old) Gaby. It makes me sick and the people that know about it, because there are several, say that its not their business and if her father approves then there is nothing that can be done.

To that i say, deportation sounds like something that can be done. He is an illegal alien. The only reason i havent is because i dont know where the dude lives and John wont tell me because he says the same as the others. John and his siblings have all spoken to Gaby and she claims that there is nothing going on. Yeah right. Now why would a 29 year old man be in a 15 year olds house almost every day? And why would said 15 year old post the most sickening couple, lovey dovey LOVE messages on facebook for all the world to see? And why would STEVE, on one afternoon were another pastor, John and myself went to visit them, would STEVE announce that his daugher only had 2 or 3 more years with them because she was getting married when she graduates from High school? Why would Gaby be posting wedding dresses on her facebook? IF NOTHING, were going on?

 

I cant stand it. I really cant. I told John that i cant stand it even if we are family, i will NEVER accept Nick as family. NEVER.

Also John decided upon himself without telling me anything that he is now attending church with his dad and playing music and 'helping' him. His reasoning behind this is that he might regret that he never helped his dad before he dies. Now Steve is old but not THAT old. he is about 62 or so.

 

John told me this today and im hurt. He was at work and there were people there so i told him that we would talk about it later at home.

Now i feel that John married wrong, he should have married a more submissive woman than myself. Someone that is just like his family, which i am not. They are Mexican, in case you were wondering. I think he should have married a submissive mexican woman instead of me because i dont accept what Gaby's parents are doing, i dont accept the "church" that Steve is forming and want no part in it, i dont even cook mexican (which he complains of sometimes) Now i mentioned that John is a wonderful provider but thats as far as his home/familial duties go. He is a slob that wont pick up his socks and the laundry is always scattered everywhere in the house and in his car, and once everything is washed he does not help me fold or put away anything. He wouldnt wash a plate or pan if his life depended on it and its getting reallly tiring of having to clean everything by myself ALL the time. For almost 2 weeks i didnt do anything, didnt clean, cook or pick up anything and he just kept making a mess and a bigger mess and i just wanted to know if he would take initiative and pick up something or help with the dishes... nope. He didnt do anything until i snapped and that was a week ago and i have finals this week and i've not had time to even feed myself... the house is a mess again and the dishes have been sitting there for about 3 days and he just comes home and sits on the couch and plays video games.

Idk, i feel like my fight or flight sense is tingeling and i dont know what to do. I dont want to leave either and kind of cant because im helping him get his residency papers. And before you all scream, he just married you for papers, this is not so. He didnt want to ask me to marry him because he thought i would say no. He's a very sensitive and generally sweet man.

Im just tired, it could be the finals, it could be the stress, it could be that i hate my job, it could be that im tired of doing all the chores by myself and even though it told him his first response was, well my brother's wife doesnt tell him to help with chores. To which I responded, 'not my problem what they do or dont do, you married me and im putting that expectation out there, im not your maid and you need to start picking up after yourself. what are we going to do when we start having kids? im not picking up after everyone by myself everyday!!!' that got him to wash the dishes that day. :/

 

Im unhappy and sometimes i think, we're just roomates that have sex and share bills. And then i think, gosh im so selfish, he's help pay off a lot of stuff for the sake of our family. And then he took that decision by himself today without telling me anything or having a discussion and i dont know if staying any longer than i have to is wise. And no we dont have kids and im not pregnant either. Im sad everyone. really sad. What do you think?

[redanemone]

I also wanted to mention that, i sound like a jerk and a horrible person, please say so. I feel like a jerk and a horrible person. I dont really even want to go home tonight i feel so terrible...

[NYC-BigKat]

I also wanted to mention that, i sound like a jerk and a horrible person, please say so. I feel like a jerk and a horrible person. I dont really even want to go home tonight i feel so terrible...

 

Um...your post is so so long to read u know .

[redanemone]

Sorry its my first post and im sure its hard to read with all the crazy going on and then i posted it hard to read. So sorry, this is my first post ever and my head feels out of whack.

[CEGryphon]

I'm feeling sympathetic about this whole ordeal with 'John' and all. I am a Christian and my best suggestion is to find a nice, Christian man with a kind, truthful, Christian family. Also, I would find a wholesome church if you don't already have one. It's always rough going through things like that, but my best wishes and prayers go to you. May God bless.