She's getting comfortable and settling in a bit' - Weight gain

[RogerWallace111]

LOL, she has to be hot with no makeup on...thats a high bar. You should go visit the Physical Fitness Forum and see the thread "want to see a REAL woman"

 

i don't know about "hot"... i like a naturally cute face though

 

she's not my "type" but she's definitely not unattractive.

 

PS Megan Fox, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Lawrence- not my types either. And also not unattractive.

[Robert]

Let's move this back on topic loosely built around the OP and his relationship

 

His question was pretty specific:

I realize I am going to get the riot act again from the ladies on here, I would like to hear your honest opinions on this though. As far as the guys, has this happened to you and when it did ...how did you handle it?

[FitChick]

I wonder how the replies would have been different if the OP had said:

 

"When I met my girlfriend, I liked that she was beautifully groomed and very clean. She showered in the morning and took a bubble bath at night. I found that very sensual and it turned me on. Now, I'm lucky if she takes a sponge bath once a week, shampoos her hair every two weeks or clips her toenails once a month. I find that I am no longer sexually attracted to her."

 

That may be acceptable for some, but if the other person in that couple dislikes the change, they are perfectly within their rights to say something and hope for improvement. If there is none, then leave the relationship.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I wonder how the replies would have been different if the OP had said:

 

"When I met my girlfriend, I liked that she was beautifully groomed and very clean. She showered in the morning and took a bubble bath at night. I found that very sensual and it turned me on. Now, I'm lucky if she takes a sponge bath once a week, shampoos her hair every two weeks or clips her toenails once a month. I find that I am no longer sexually attracted to her."

 

That may be acceptable for some, but if the other person in that couple dislikes the change, they are perfectly within their rights to say something and hope for improvement. If there is none, then leave the relationship.

 

The only reason one thing is different than the other is because the individual can find it "offensive" because it can be taken personal...either to themselves or someone they love or care about...if the person doesn't have any reason to emotionally attach to the subject matter then a human being is most likely to feel rather indifferent about it. Nobody is really speaking objectively about anything, because they're merely arguing from a personal and emotional perspective...which is the biggest flaw in most advice.

[Archgirl]

I wonder how the replies would have been different if the OP had said:

 

"When I met my girlfriend, I liked that she was beautifully groomed and very clean. She showered in the morning and took a bubble bath at night. I found that very sensual and it turned me on. Now, I'm lucky if she takes a sponge bath once a week, shampoos her hair every two weeks or clips her toenails once a month. I find that I am no longer sexually attracted to her."

 

That may be acceptable for some, but if the other person in that couple dislikes the change, they are perfectly within their rights to say something and hope for improvement. If there is none, then leave the relationship.

 

To be honest, I don't think it would have changed many of the responses - mostly what we are reacting to is that he's getting angsty over her not wearing as much make up, it's not even clear in the OP that she's even gained any weight. And it's missing all the things that she brings to the relationship.

 

I mean she goes on walks with him and his kids - and he's complaining shes not at the gym? Like "oh hell no! Not a woman who accepts tht I have children and doesn't resent sharing my time" pffft!

 

See from what I can see is he is getting insecure because she doesn't dress to the nines 24hrs a day and he thinks this is a sign she is about to gain 100 pounds and sit on the couch all day. Rather than a compliment that she feels comfortable being herself around him and not always wearing the whole kitbag of make-up/outfit. Like, who wants to do that after six months together especially when hanging out with kids?!?

 

I can't help but wonder if what is actually underlying a lot of this is actually OP worrying that she doesn't want to impress him anymore/ is scared it is a sign she doesn't care that much about him.

[SuperGeek]

I'm going to make this really easy for you. You aren't going to win the weight issue with your g/f. It's just that simple. Even if you mention it as nicely as possible with sugar on top it won't matter, she'll still think you're calling her fat. I don't have any good answers for you on this one - this is a tough issue if it bothers you. You probably need to just figure out if the weight gain is something you can live with or not and if not, probably move on.

 

I've learned this cold hard lesson myself painfully. You can't even broach this subject 99.999% of the time with most women, so don't even try it. Really spend some self reflection time and dig deep down why it bothers you... if you can't get beyond it, then it's time for it to end. If you try and make her change she will just build up resentment against you over time and it will end later and it will be really painful.

 

Yeah my answer sucks, but I speak from experience on this one. Even if the situation is reversed it doesn't matter -- Girls can criticize a guy on health/weight issues until the cows come home which is 100% accepted in society, but not the other way around. Weight is one of those double standards you just can't reason with, discuss it, or do anything about really. It's your choice, you either find a way to accept who she is or you end it. Weight gain, health, and dressing up is pretty much a personal choice anyway -- you shouldn't have to *tell* your g/f to change any of that. Right? [ Granted, it seems to be accepted in society to tell someone to stop doing drugs, but if you mention weight gain or to stop eating McDonald's you will get ROASTED on this forum and by your g/f... it's the way it is. I have no other advice for you ].

 

Oh and since you asked, yes it happened to me. Yes I said something (nicely). We divorced 3 years ago.

 

SuperGeek

 

I think she is getting comfortable and settling in! We have been dating for six months. I have posted on here about how she stopped wearing make-up as much and jewelry (I know I got the riot act for the makeup statement). Anyways, now she is starting with the weight gain. When I met her, she worked out (gym, treadmill, work out videos) religiously every day. Now, she has given that up almost completely. She goes on walks with me and her dog and sometimes my kids. And to answer the question before its asked…yes I do exercise at least five times a week.

 

I read an article today that stated 90% of women gain weight (up to 15 lbs) in the 4-6 month period of a new relationship. This is not fair when the majority of the popularity bases a lot of their choosing their mates (at first glance) based on their attractiveness levels. I’m just sayin’

 

I realize I am going to get the riot act again from the ladies on here, I would like to hear your honest opinions on this though. As far as the guys, has this happened to you and when it did ...how did you handle it?

Edited May 1, 2013 by SuperGeek

[runningfar]

Stopping working out because you're in a relationship is lame. I wouldn't care about weight gain but that would piss me off.

 

Talk to her.

[runningfar]

How so?

 

-I give up easily.

-I am lazy, so I choose not to participate in some kind of fitness maintenance program.

-I can't manage my time well enough to incorporate some kind of fitness maintenance program.

-I am lazy, so I make poor food choices.

-I can't organize my time well so I make poor food choices.

-I have no self-control, so I make poor food choices; and I eat too much of those food choices.

-etc.

-etc.

-etc.

 

It most definitely reflects on personality.

 

Are we saying weight reflects on personality?

I am chubby.

I have run several hundred mile races in what's considered respectable times. I spend all my time moving. I am not lazy. I don't eat junk either.

 

Weight =\= personality.

It doesn't even always equal values.

(Someone cannot exercise but work 80 hours a week. They aren't lazy)

[Weezy1973]

And she was 5'7" and 130 pounds when he did it!

 

Do you guys have any concept that a woman's body is really not yours to control? You can honestly share your feelings and be ready to accept the consequences, which might not be positive. But that's fair. Or, you can go find a different woman whose body suits you better. But trying to control what someone eats or how they are shaped shows a sense of propriety over her and I think that's very wrong.

 

I agree with this. My first girlfriend gained quite a bit of weight during our relationship. She was 5'4" and ~115 lbs when we started dating and within three years went up to ~150 lbs. I lost my attraction to her. I did not say anything as, like you, I believed it was her body and she could do whatever she wanted with it. As for me, I stopped wanting to have sex with her. And eventually stopped having sex with her. When I broke up with her, she asked why, and then I told her and she said she wished I had told her I dumped her. I told her the same thing "it's your body and you can do whatever you want with it; it doesn't mean I have to remain attracted to you."

[Els]

OP, this has been a recurring issue for you. It sounds to me like you are looking for things to be unhappy about. Why do you not let her go?

 

Also, I'm curious why you had to pull up 'statistics' on women in relationships. How many women have you actually been in relationships with? What has your observation been in those Rs? Did you have the same problem there?

[thefooloftheyear]

Id gladly trade 20 lbs for a woman that is loyal, trustworthy and honest.

 

 

Thats just me.. And I am in great shape....Its just not that big of a deal, as long as it really doesnt get out of hand.

 

TFY

[USMCHokie]

Are we saying weight reflects on personality?

 

Yes. It can reflect traits such as ambition, determination, drive, discipline, etc.

 

Weight =\= personality.

It doesn't even always equal values.

(Someone cannot exercise but work 80 hours a week. They aren't lazy)

 

Eating less food takes less time.

[Star Gazer]

Are we saying weight reflects on personality?

I am chubby.

I have run several hundred mile races in what's considered respectable times. I spend all my time moving. I am not lazy. I don't eat junk either.

 

Weight =\= personality.

It doesn't even always equal values.

(Someone cannot exercise but work 80 hours a week. They aren't lazy)

 

Weight reflects CHOICES you have made.

 

In this instance, it appears you work too much to exercise. That's your choice.

 

That said, exercise makes up a small portion of weight loss. 70% or more comes from what you put in your mouth.

[pbjbear]

If this is so important to you for now on date women that are very into working out like yourself. Problem solved. By the way, Ive never gained weight when I dated someone that long!

Weight is 80% diet and 20% working out. Id rather date someone who eats healthy and doesnt spend hours at the gym ideally.

[todreaminblue]

I think she is getting comfortable and settling in! We have been dating for six months. I have posted on here about how she stopped wearing make-up as much and jewelry (I know I got the riot act for the makeup statement). Anyways, now she is starting with the weight gain. When I met her, she worked out (gym, treadmill, work out videos) religiously every day. Now, she has given that up almost completely. She goes on walks with me and her dog and sometimes my kids. And to answer the question before its asked…yes I do exercise at least five times a week.

 

I read an article today that stated 90% of women gain weight (up to 15 lbs) in the 4-6 month period of a new relationship. This is not fair when the majority of the popularity bases a lot of their choosing their mates (at first glance) based on their attractiveness levels. I’m just sayin’

 

I realize I am going to get the riot act again from the ladies on here, I would like to hear your honest opinions on this though. As far as the guys, has this happened to you and when it did ...how did you handle it?

 

honestly not every female does this.......i often lose even more weight in a relationship than without......as i become more active....ummm in many ways.......so studies are not stereotypical for every woman every relationship.my mother always said stay as close to what you looked like when you first met....aging happens however.....as does life.......and weight for some women will often fluctuate over the years....

 

 

i would just be open and honest if you feel your attraction waning on kilos and lack of eyeliner mascara and foundation......if you would like her to wear more make up say so...lose weight say so...if you want her to dress up for you say it......but....dont expect to get everything you desire and have it all your way...because she may just desire someone who loves her for her....honesty is the best policy....if you truly want to keep a relationship that is good and you should be honest with what you really want from a partner and then she will most likely be open and honest with you..deb

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes. It can reflect traits such as ambition, determination, drive, discipline, etc.

 

Not in the case of the OP, however. He's complained before about how she's too focussed and driven in her career.

 

Just FYI, for most of my working life, I have been in a competitive entrepreneurial profession where nobody without a great deal of ambition, drive and discipline can make it, and also have a lot of education. There have been successful overweight people around me in those environments at all times. It wasn't an anomaly.

 

I think it's a cruel, false generalization that being overweight reflects poor character. Even if a person doesn't go to the gym as much as you think they should - maybe they're at home reading Proust. Who says spending your free time in a gym is "higher" than spending it on your brain?

[USMCHokie]

I think it's a cruel, false generalization that being overweight reflects poor character.

 

Perhaps, but for many folks, the generalization is apt.

 

Even if a person doesn't go to the gym as much as you think they should - maybe they're at home reading Proust. Who says spending your free time in a gym is "higher" than spending it on your brain?

 

Why not do both? Perhaps even at the same time...?

[USMCHokie]

Sure hope OP never gets prostate problems, loses hair or incurs ANY physical changes because his GF might treat him like he treats her!

 

Perhaps women should consider holding their men accountable as well...?

[Emilia]

There's a lot of complete nonsense in this thread. Being overweight generally means that one has eating addiction/doesn't exercise enough/has poor dieting discipline

 

It means nothing about one's character.

You don't think addiction and having poor discipline are a reflection of one's character?

I know plenty of very nice and very successful overweight people. A guy at my job is probably 40% bodyfat and he's a very nice man who is extremely successful and hard working

Of course. Just because someone has poor discipline it doesn't mean they are not perfectly nice people.

[Emilia]

Why not do both? Perhaps even at the same time...?

 

Exactly! I never understood the reasoning behind separating the two: you can be either an intellectual or a musclehead, not the combination of the two.

[Curious111]

Paperboy48, I can identify 100% with both of you, and I definitely do not think you are being "shallow" for feeling the way you do. I love wearing make-up (applied in a tasteful and not over-the-top way), curling my hair with hot curlers every day, and making an effort to wear clothes that flatter my relatively slender figure. But for some reason my boyfriend (and the one before him) genuinely does not appreciate this, as he is one of those guys that find a "plain Jane" (no make-up and wears T-shirts) more attractive. In fact, I've really struggled with this seeing as it takes a lot of time and effort to look good - and since he never compliments me on my looks (I'm quite attractive), I've sort of lost the motivation to go to all that effort on a daily basis. So now my question is - do you praise and compliment her when she DOES make an effort by wearing make-up and jewelry? Are you extra affectionate with her when she does make an effort (I'm not referring to sex, only affection)? If not, then this might definitely be the reason for her losing interest in making herself look more attractive for you. I know for a fact that if my boyfriend placed a lot of emphasis (compliments, encouragement, affection, the appreciative look in his eyes) on how good I look when I've gone to all the effort, I would feel far more motivated to do so on a daily basis, so try doing this and let us know if it makes a difference! As for the weight gain, I can also identify with both of you. Since I've started dating my boyfriend 2.5 years ago, I've gained 7 pounds, which bothers me (AND my boyfriend) a great great deal. I understand that it bothers him too - he's a normal guy and guys are visual creatures, we all know that and that's why we make such a huge effort with our looks in order to attract the guy of our dreams. But we (as women AND men) are doing our relationships no favours when we let ourselves go, it kills attraction and that's JUST THE WAY IT IS. Anyway, the reason for my weight gain is not because I've "let myself go", but because our lifestyle as a couple is so different from my lifestyle as a single person. Since we've been together, we eat out at least 4 times a week, whereas when I was single I've often skipped dinner. So what about your lifestyle as a couple has changed? Do you GENTLY place an emphasis on healthy eating when you're together? Do you treat her extra special (compliments, encouragement, affection, the appreciative look in your eyes) on the days that she DOES exercise or go with you for a walk? What I have to try and remember on a daily basis, is that we teach people how to treat us. If you treat her very well when she does something RIGHT, then you're going to get more of that behaviour. If you nag and criticize and scold her when she eats all day and sits around doing nothing, then you're going to get more of that behaviour too. So don't "have the talk" with her, and most certainly don't give up on her just yet! Change your own behaviour so that she knows when she does something that pleases you a great deal, and that will most probably naturally motivate her to do that more often... that is, of course, on the condition that you also make a genuine effort to do things that please her and to be respectful of what SHE values in your relationship... if she feels you only care about your own needs, this advice will definitely not work... you've got to be the man that she needs in a relationship, otherwise why make the effort to please you if you don't make the effort to also please her (think of those areas that she's unhappy with in your relationship)... There is hope for your relationship, and if after about another six months you don't see any improvement then only should you start consider alternative options (breaking up). SO, with that I'm going to leave you in peace - good luck and please keep us posted!

[RedRobin]

I think she is getting comfortable and settling in! We have been dating for six months. I have posted on here about how she stopped wearing make-up as much and jewelry (I know I got the riot act for the makeup statement). Anyways, now she is starting with the weight gain. When I met her, she worked out (gym, treadmill, work out videos) religiously every day. Now, she has given that up almost completely. She goes on walks with me and her dog and sometimes my kids. And to answer the question before its asked…yes I do exercise at least five times a week.

 

I read an article today that stated 90% of women gain weight (up to 15 lbs) in the 4-6 month period of a new relationship. This is not fair when the majority of the popularity bases a lot of their choosing their mates (at first glance) based on their attractiveness levels. I’m just sayin’

 

I realize I am going to get the riot act again from the ladies on here, I would like to hear your honest opinions on this though. As far as the guys, has this happened to you and when it did ...how did you handle it?

 

I've read through most of the pages...

 

If having a gf that goes to the gym everyday and wears makeup is one of your highest priorities, then find someone who makes that their highest priority.

 

It appears you share some responsibility here.... you perhaps left the impression that you value other things and she believed you??

 

Another poster put something in here referencing your concerns about how much time she spends on her career... I dunno. Sounds like you are having some issues figuring out what is important to you and communicating them upfront... and then sticking to it.

 

The most respectful way you might manage this IF you want to keep the relationship is to take responsibility for your lack of personal clarity in the beginning and tell her you didn't realize how important it was for you that she did x, y, and z... and that you really like x, y, and z....

 

Keep in mind though... there really are only 24 hours in a day. There are very few people in the world who can manage to stay on top of a demanding career, stay perfectly fit and coifed, and also be emotionally available to you at your convenience. A more reasonable goal is figure out which two of those are most important to you, and let the third go.

[runningfar]

Weight reflects CHOICES you have made.

 

In this instance, it appears you work too much to exercise. That's your choice.

 

That said, exercise makes up a small portion of weight loss. 70% or more comes from what you put in your mouth.

 

 

Heh heh heh

I work too much to exercise.

 

I am actually a group fitness instructor and personal trainer and am active in most my free time- including ultras as I mentioned.

 

I was skinny most my life before I had some medical issues I don't want to get into but it made me gain and losing had been more difficult despite not eating any junk food.

 

But it's probably my lazy personality.

[Emilia]

Heh heh heh

I work too much to exercise.

 

I am actually a group fitness instructor and personal trainer and am active in most my free time- including ultras as I mentioned.

 

I was skinny most my life before I had some medical issues I don't want to get into but it made me gain and losing had been more difficult despite not eating any junk food.

 

But it's probably my lazy personality.

 

To be fair I see a lot of overweight fitness instructors. I don't really know what that term means anymore. An awful lot of them do very low-intensity stuff, especially the women. I know this because I used to go to those classes myself until I realised 80% were a complete waste of time. Of course I don't know anything about your medical condition, I'm speaking in general terms. I can't believe ever single one of them has some kind of medical condition.

[runningfar]

To be fair I see a lot of overweight fitness instructors. I don't really know what that term means anymore. An awful lot of them do very low-intensity stuff, especially the women. I know this because I used to go to those classes myself until I realised 80% were a complete waste of time. Of course I don't know anything about your medical condition, I'm speaking in general terms. I can't believe ever single one of them has some kind of medical condition.

 

Not saying they do, but if there are any exceptions you can't assume by looking. Though the assumption isn't always bad. I can run a 44 min 10k which isn't amazing but enough to win my age group and sometimes the race if small in my particular locale and no one expects it looking at me and I like to disappoint them when they judge and try to beat me.

My am bootcamp would kick your ass even if you are a seasoned vet.

Edited May 1, 2013 by runningfar