She's getting comfortable and settling in a bit' - Weight gain

[Emilia]

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that you can't change other people.

True. I suppose you can argue when someone pretends to care in the beginning only to stop later is merely false advertising.

[USMCHokie]

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that you can't change other people.

 

Indeed. That's why you look for those folks who are willing to change themselves, i.e., willing to grow and improve when they are challenged.

 

Like I said, all of this stuff about appearance does reflect one's personality. And it can certainly be reflected positively (e.g., self respect) and negatively (e.g., narcissism).

[thefooloftheyear]

Here is another way to look at it....

 

If you dont bother saying anything, but just let it slide because "you dont want to hurt the other feelings", or you just averse to any potential confrontation, then it just builds up as resentment. Thats how a lot of relationships fall apart...

 

Communication is the key..Again, instead of telling her you are going to put her on the scale every morning, do it in another way, by showing a good example yourself or by making subtle and as polite as possible suggestions.

 

TFY

[Treasa]

Indeed. That's why you look for those folks who are willing to change themselves, i.e., willing to grow and improve when they are challenged.

 

Like I said, all of this stuff about appearance does reflect one's personality. And it can certainly be reflected positively (e.g., self respect) and negatively (e.g., narcissism).

 

I lost 120 pounds. My life and personality didn't improve. I know overweight people who have incredible personalities. Their weight is just not where they concentrate all their energy and work.

 

My mom, for example, is technically overweight. However, she is beautiful, men want to be with her, she works 70 hours a week (she's almost 60), and takes care of her mom and brother. Her personality doesn't need work. She's tired when she gets home. And she's happy with herself. And as healthy as she can be, given everything.

 

What turns one person on won't turn on another person. I've been totally turned off by guys who were in great shape but were *******s. For me, sexy is confidence, kindness, humor. That's what turns me on. Not everyone is the same.

[Archgirl]

I think a lot of people are consistent with the way they look over many years. Some will have their weight going up or down, others will maintain it. It's not certain at all that everyone just gets fat by the time they hit 60. It's usually about relationship with food. Certain things you can't control, others you can.

 

I don't think it's 'changing' though if you want them to care the way they did when you met.

 

See, I think it's not a personal choice. I think if you have a loving spouse and children, it's selfish not to maintain your health on many levels. I see people smoking and drinking themselves to an early grave and having their partner and kids watch that over the years. Pretty cruel.

 

But getting back to the appearance side: it seems like a one-sided love when one person can do what they like and the other just has to put up with it.

 

I think we've misunderstood each other again- I also hope that pqrtners still care as much about each other at 80.

 

But I was trying to make the point about getting overly invested in your LT partners appearance is a bit silly - that's going to change drastically. And most of the physical changes are going to happen regardless of degree of taking care of yourself.

 

So wouldnt it be better to have someone who loves you for other reasons? Whwr youve learnt to love and accept one another unconditonally. Because appearance, fitness, bodyshape etc are all going to change largely uncontrollably over your lifetime together.

 

My other point was largely the same as Treasa's: negative conditioning (in this case changing someone's appearance/level of self care through criticism and judgement) rarely produces lasting change or partners who feel happy, secure and loved in their relationship.

 

It probably also has a pretty negative effect on intimacy.

[Emilia]

I think we've misunderstood each other again- I also hope that pqrtners still care as much about each other at 80.

 

But I was trying to make the point about getting overly invested in your LT partners appearance is a bit silly - that's going to change drastically.

It isn't 'sillier' than any other expectation. People change, they get wrinkles, they get all sorts but there are a lot of well-looked-after 60 or 70 year-olds that run around. I don't think we misunderstood each other, I just disagree that caring whether your partner takes pride in their appearance is silly. It is a character trait that shows itself in the way you look, the way you lead your life, the amount of discipline and self-belief, tenacity you show.

And most of the physical changes are going to happen regardless of degree of taking care of yourself.

Some you can control, others you can't.

So wouldnt it be better to have someone who loves you for other reasons?

Since the way you look reflects your character and as I value character very highly, I think it's a very good way to pick whom I want to be with. Someone who values himself, his life and me highly, who wants to grow and maintain standards. I know plenty of people like that. It's not like it's unattainable.

Whwr youve learnt to love and accept one another unconditonally. Because appearance, fitness, bodyshape etc are all going to change largely uncontrollably over your lifetime together.

To be fair I think it's your dogs and your kids that love you unconditionally. I very much doubt most human beings can but I don't agree anyhow that you can't control your fitness or bodyshape.

My other point was largely the same as Treasa's: negative conditioning (in this case changing someone's appearance/level of self care through criticism and judgement) rarely produces lasting change or partners who feel happy, secure and loved in their relationship.

 

It probably also has a pretty negative effect on intimacy.

I think it depends on the personality of the person. I would go as far as saying it depends on how strong they are.

[Revolver]

This happens a ton. Lets be real, the number one reason people want to stay physically fit is to attract the best possible mate of the opposite sex. Being "healthy" is a distant second.

 

However when your in a relationship your not trying to attract anyone anymore, you've already got that person and you never REALLY cared about the health aspect so its easy to see how people let themselves go. This is also the reason this runs rampant after marriage

[carhill]

OP, am I reading this wrong or did you already break up with this person?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/384872-i-broke-up-my-girlfriend-now-i-m-feeling-sad-guilt-some-remorse

 

"I broke up with my girlfriend this past Saturday of 5-6 months. To be honest, I feel a little remorse about it. We are both in our mid-thirties. She has never lived with anyone (or has never been married obviously). In the beginning, she was great...we were great. I dont know exactly what to say....so I'll just say what I feel... when I broke it off with her, I did that because I felt she was becoming to controlling and she was detached from me emotionally a lot of the times we were together. "

 

Sounds like this part:

 

"I felt that she was so career focused and just focused with life in general that she was basically detached with me when we were togehter a lot of the times with the exception of Saturday afternoon into the evening and Saunday mornings. "

 

Has more traction than weight gain in the dynamic of this relationship. Good luck.

[USMCHokie]

This happens a ton. Lets be real, the number one reason people want to stay physically fit is to attract the best possible mate of the opposite sex. Being "healthy" is a distant second.

 

However when your in a relationship your not trying to attract anyone anymore, you've already got that person and you never REALLY cared about the health aspect so its easy to see how people let themselves go. This is also the reason this runs rampant after marriage

 

In some of my previous research on prenuptial agreements, there have been affirmed clauses that made exceeding a certain weight limit grounds for fines or even an at-fault divorce.

[MidwestUSA]

The issue isn't her weight. You're just trying to console yourself with that. You said that she stated "I want to be with a guy who adores me". She also wants to have her own children, whereas you expect her to accept and love yours as she would her own flesh and blood (nothing wrong with that, but if she wants her own, she deserves that chance). Do her a favor and set her free.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Nothing about what you said is subtle. She must have been insecure, cuz I'll be damn sure if some man made a comment about what I ate, I'd tell him he's free to go and show him the door.

 

And she was 5'7" and 130 pounds when he did it!

 

Do you guys have any concept that a woman's body is really not yours to control? You can honestly share your feelings and be ready to accept the consequences, which might not be positive. But that's fair. Or, you can go find a different woman whose body suits you better. But trying to control what someone eats or how they are shaped shows a sense of propriety over her and I think that's very wrong.

[Nyla]

Well, I'm not one of the 90% and I'm not going to give you hell for anything.

 

Just know that while you're pointing your finger and making generalizations about women, the men are getting fat and 'content' right along with the ladies. I've weighed 107 my whole adult life and have never varied from it. Just about every boyfriend I've ever HAD got a bit of a gut after a while. And some, MORE than just a 'bit' of a gut.

 

It's called "contentment." I didn't dump them because of it nor did I lose interest in them or whine about it. There are more important things in life.

 

However, if you feel this is an issue you can't overlook, then you'll have to start nagging her about her weight which will eventually lead to her resenting you and to the evenutal big, ugly breakup in the end.

 

My husband and I both gained weight after we got married. It doesn't help that the medicine I have to take is notorious for weight gain. We have been together for six years, married for almost three.

 

When I read threads like this, I am glad that my husband still finds me very sexy in spite of the weight I have gained. My husband chooses to focus on the parts of my body that he finds attractive, rather than just looking at my fat stomach. He loves my curvy bottom and large chest.

 

It works both ways. My husband's hairline is receding and he has a bald spot in the back of his head. Now he just clips his hair very close to his scalp. I am still very attracted to my husband in spite of his hair loss and the white hairs that show up when he has a beard; he feels very accepted when I kiss his bald spot.

 

So the OP can dump his girlfriend for relaxing into the relationship and getting comfortable. I hope he never gains weight or shows signs of aging.

[Nyla]

I know 4 people who were just as skinny as me but have put on 15-20 lbs. I wouldnt even really call them overweight though (others would most likely) but they dont look like they did 5-10 years ago. None of them were lazy, they all developed medical conditions (seizure disorder, lymphnode disorder, autoimmune disorder, intestinal disorder) where their medicine caused them to gain weight. Also, one of my coworkers used to be a model and you could never tell now...she has so many mental health issues and with all the meds she takes, she cannot lose weight. She eats insanely healthy and works out everyday and she only lost 3 lbs. She cannot switch meds either- the meds she is on are the only meds that make her act like a normal person. Just something to think about...its not always due to laziness. Telling these people to go off their meds for vanity isnt feasible

 

THANK YOU! Those who say that all overweight people are lazy don't understand mental illness. The medications work well, but can cause severe weight gain. The idiots who say "Stop taking those pills" are the same ones who turn their backs, when the mentally ill person starts acting strange because of no medication.

 

I had an ex who pressured me to come of my meds because he felt that I was "addicted" to my pills. I ended up in the hospital and he dumped me soon after I got sick. What a prize huh?

[RogerWallace111]

Personally,

 

I'd be hell direct right back.

 

Direct him right out the door and off the nearest cliff.

 

And even provide direct advice on how to pull his head outta his ass.

 

I don't need some guy who is supposed to love me thinking its ok to have an opinion on what I chose to do with my body. It's mine.

 

If he thinks its cool to criticize, try an change me I don't want him.

 

I think stable relationships are built on mutual respect and unconditional love and acceptance of each others faults.

 

Not fear, criticism and preying on insecurities.

 

But, the thing is, physical attraction is an extremely significant factor in a relationship. Second only to "emotional" attraction in my opinion...

 

Let's say the guy in a situation like this felt really bad and guilty to even have thoughts about his girlfriend's weight, but the undeniable fact was that her heavier physique just didn't turn him on. Is that "wrong" of him ? Should he A) approach her with serious humility, as compassionately as possible and explain his feelings B) Just try to convince himself he doesn't feel what he feels, or C) Leave her under some other false pretense ? I mean, regardless of gender, what's one expected to do in that sort of situation...

 

And as far as gender... not trying to stir up sh*t, but I feel like the whole "media portrayal of an idealized female body image" issue of the past couple decades gives some females a feeling of having a chip on their shoulder. I mean, at this point, being overweight can almost be seen as an act of defiance against an oppressive society. My point being, if a male mentions anything to a girl about her weight, she's can potentially just accuse him of being "another shallow guy" and make some comment about how she's sorry she's not a barbie. Which would basically just be some silly rhetoric because in the real world guys are typically way more easy to please than they're given credit for. But if a girl calls a guy out on his weight, all he can really do is be bummed or give her a "f*ck you" that lacks the gravity hers would because there haven't been thousands of essays on his being pressured to look like a model.

[venusianx13]

Do you think she may unhappy, OP? To me, it seems that people tend to gain weight while in a relationship when they are not feeling secure, happy, fulfilled, etc. It happened to me. When I was with my cheating, lying ex, I gained (quite) a bit. I was incredibly unhappy. I am a little over a year into my current relationship, and the happiest I've ever been. I've lost all the weight I had gained, and then some.

 

Honestly, her lack of effort, as you put it, sounds to me more like she is unhappy. Comfortable, in this case, sounds like a synonym for depressed. Honestly, if she's told you she wants a man who adores her, then that was her clueing you in: she doesn't feel that you adore her. And if that's the case, you BOTH should move on.

[RogerWallace111]

Unfortunately, women in this situation are in a pickle. Damned if you, damned if you dont like you said. Hopefully they can find a guy to accept them for who they are. I find it funny that 2 of these women I mentioned have boyfriends that have also gained weight (from laziness, not meds) and these women dont nag them about it. Its just worse if a woman gains weight, she has no excuses. For men, people dont care as much.

 

I feel like this perception, however true it may be for some individuals, can also provide a certain feeling of justification for women in whatever they choose to let happen to their bodies. If you catch my drift.

 

It's like... I have some tattoos. But I have friends who are covered in them. I've seen some of these friends turn it into a weird persecution thing, where if they get a second look from someone on the more conservative side, they have a kind of "F*ckin squares always looking at me like I'm a freak ! I'll do what I want !" response. Because 25 years ago, one would have been unfairly judged for their tattoos. But now it's been overcompensated for and has gone so far the other direction the person looking at their tattoos is often the one being unfairly judged.

[USMCHokie]

My issue isnt being pressured to look like a supermodel. My issue is that men arent given the same flack for not maintaining their 20yearold boy the way women are. And how women are expected to go back to their prepregnancy body though studies show even with hard work and dedication there will be things about her body that will change beyond her control that will turn her off from you. My issue is that looks is TOO HIGH on men's priority list. I dont care its on their priority list, yes attraction is needed, just that the emphasis placed on it is too high.

 

Then why don't women hold their men accountable as well?

[RogerWallace111]

Some, but most certainly not all. Ive been more easy going than my boyfriends in 4 of my 5 past relationships. The issue is most men are not as vocal about their emotions and true feelings the way women are. They tend to not be as good of communicators, esp. younger ones, and avoid conflict that could lead to fighting, so I can see why on the outside men appear to be more content and easy to please than women.

 

Yes, women can just say a guy is shallow when he makes comments about her weight. So what? He still will stand by his preferences so it doesnt matter. I really dont think men will evolve past their shallow tendencies more than women have today (not focusing as much on money because now they can support themselves financially). Its just something Ive accepted.

 

My issue isnt being pressured to look like a supermodel. My issue is that men arent given the same flack for not maintaining their 20yearold boy the way women are. And how women are expected to go back to their prepregnancy body though studies show even with hard work and dedication there will be things about her body that will change beyond her control that will turn her off from you. My issue is that looks is TOO HIGH on men's priority list. I dont care its on their priority list, yes attraction is needed, just that the emphasis placed on it is too high.

 

I agree with a lot of what you're saying... It'd be silly to deny that women face significantly more "pressure" as far as their bodies. I'm just not sure they're always looked at as critically as many of them seem to think. Like I've said in my past couple posts, I think that whole stigma has been played up a bit too heavily in recent years.

[RogerWallace111]

Women are just more aesthetically pleasing Or maybe men are just more "visual".

 

How many females do you know with a folder on their computer full of pictures of naked guys ..?

[USMCHokie]

Because we are WOMEN. We dont care as much as you.

 

Precisely. So you cannot project your values onto men and assume that they will prioritize things just the way you do. Women either have to appeal to male values, which are indeed visual in nature, or they can wait to find a man whose cares are more in line with the cares of a woman. Or they can find a guy who has lowered his expectations enough to be satisfied with what she has to offer.

[RogerWallace111]

Yeah... Well, none of it's black & white, there are some less shallow guys out there i'm sure.

 

Anyway, all this talk about of how little important looks are to women has me feeling very confident with my "pretty handsome" status...

[USMCHokie]

Men are more visual, on average, than women. Ive accepted I wont ever find a man who isnt too obsessed with beauty for me. I do feel most men are way too shallow for me, but oh well. It is what it is

 

Again, here you are with the projection of values. Do you feel better about yourself or perhaps superior to men when you make these statements that valuing looks is "too shallow" for you...?

 

Men and women are different. Men don't think like women and women don't think like men. It's hard for one to have empathy for the other because we're used to thinking a certain way all our lives, so to men, there's no other way to think except like a man, and likewise to women, there is no other way to think except like a woman.

[RogerWallace111]

Guys who get that status dont get it primarily from looks. Women tend to entwine personality in compliments like that

 

Ive never ever called a handsome yet personality-ugly man handsome.

 

Consider that a compliment to your behavior and personality Rog

 

Considering how freakish I've looked in my own eyes you're probably right...

 

Beautiful women have a habit of calling me beautiful, gorgeous, pretty and things like that... and I had a theory that it's about being attracted to traits in others you yourself don't display. Cause I seriously look like Vincent Gallo or some sh*t. But maybe I'm just cooler than I realize !

[RogerWallace111]

If I don't like the way a girl looks with no make up on I don't want to date her. Also if I like the way she looks with no make up on I enjoy seeing her with no make up on. I wouldn't even notice if a women gained a bit of weight. If she gained a lot of weight especially only 6 months into dating her we might break up.

 

Mhmm I feel that

[USMCHokie]

I get called mean, shallow, and a bitch on this site for those responses...

 

I will forever defend you.