Jump to content

She's getting comfortable and settling in a bit' - Weight gain

paperboy48

By paperboy48
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
The thing is T, she did change, not to suit him but her. She made more of an effort to look attractive when she was single and out hunting for a bf, but backed off on the effort once she got cozy in the relationship. She was compatible when they started dating. I get why he's upset, and if the roles were reversed I would totally understand a woman's disappointment in her bf if he slacked off on the qualities she was attracted to him for. Aspects change as life goes on, but you don't want the lust to fade real quick before devotion has had a chance to develop.

 

He can be upset all he wants, but she isn't going to change unless she wants to. That's pretty much the same with anyone with anything.

 

I'm certainly not jumping down his throat. I'm just laying the facts out there.

  • Like 3
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted

Whenever I hear friends of mine talking about how their wives suddenly lost weight and had a boob job, invariably they wind up splitting up. Ive witnessed it several times with people I know..

 

Be careful what you wish for.

 

TFY

 

Now are these men improving in kind, or are they allowing themselves to fall off the wagon...?

  • Like 2
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
Now are these men improving in kind, or are they allowing themselves to fall off the wagon...?

 

I cant say for sure... The two that I know of are blue collar types that work physical jobs and while they dont train, the nature of their work keeps them reasonably fit. I wouldnt call either of these guys "out of shape"..

 

One of these guys story is particularly tragic. The guy is an Electrical contractor and a great guy/father. Works like crazy and His wife(out of the blue) wanted a boob job and joined a gym. She was/is very attractive and I didnt think she needed to do anything. Anyway, he got suspicious after a while so he hired a PI. Found out she was screwing his buddy!

 

Now, no one knows what other problems might have been there. I am pertty close to this guy and he swears that nothing was wrong. He blames it all on her mid life "makeover"....

 

I hope they figure it out.One of their children is blind and has severe developmental disorders. Its a mess. Hes suicidal over it...:(

 

TFY

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

If you love someone, 10-20 lbs shouldnt be a deal breaker on a normal height person. Its called life.

 

 

How do you handle it if it becomes higher than what you are comfortable with though? Let's say it's 40lbs. Isn't it better to say something while it's 20lbs than when it's much more thus harder to get rid of?

  • Like 1
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
Nothing about what you said is subtle.

 

That's why I prefer to just not be subtle about it.

 

She must have been insecure, cuz I'll be damn sure if some man made a comment about what I ate, I'd tell him he's free to go and show him the door. I've never had a weight problem and dont intend to, but if I fluctuate 10 lbs here and there, any man worth HIS weight wont mind.

 

How would you react if he was direct with you, rather than subtle, and stated his interest that you maintain your weight and appearance?

Archgirl Established Member

Archgirl

Posted
Posted
That's why I prefer to just not be subtle about it.

 

 

 

How would you react if he was direct with you, rather than subtle, and stated his interest that you maintain your weight and appearance?

 

Personally,

 

I'd be hell direct right back.

 

Direct him right out the door and off the nearest cliff.

 

And even provide direct advice on how to pull his head outta his ass. :laugh:

 

I don't need some guy who is supposed to love me thinking its ok to have an opinion on what I chose to do with my body. It's mine.

 

If he thinks its cool to criticize, try an change me I don't want him.

 

I think stable relationships are built on mutual respect and unconditional love and acceptance of each others faults.

 

Not fear, criticism and preying on insecurities.

  • Like 4
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

I don't need some guy who is supposed to love me thinking its ok to have an opinion on what I chose to do with my body. It's mine.

 

If he thinks its cool to criticize, try an change me I don't want him.

 

I think stable relationships are built on mutual respect and unconditional love and acceptance of each others faults.

 

Not fear, criticism and preying on insecurities.

 

I agree about changing someone, that's why I dumped my last ex. Don't you think however that when you meet someone and you look a certain way, you have some obligation maintaining what you can about the way you look? I think very few people love unconditionally, maybe he would argue if you really loved him that much you wouldn't turn into a different looking person after 6 months? (aging process that you can't control notwithstanding)

 

If I went out with a hot, muscular guy and he put on 50lbs of fat and I said I didn't fancy him anymore sexually, would that prey on his insecurities or would it be the case of his turning physically into someone I would not have fancied ever and would not have wanted to date?

  • Like 3
Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
How do you handle it if it becomes higher than what you are comfortable with though? Let's say it's 40lbs. Isn't it better to say something while it's 20lbs than when it's much more thus harder to get rid of?

 

Oh, you know I love the hell out of you, but people know when they're gaining weight. People don't do anything about it unless and until they want to, though. If they want to do something about it, great. If they don't, that's fine too, and it's fine for the other person to go off and find something that they want more.

 

I just hope the OP doesn't end up with some girl who is skinny and wears makeup and jewelry but cheats on him or takes all his money. Obviously I'm not saying there's an either or going on, but people have to make sure their priorities are straight for them.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted

I think stable relationships are built on mutual respect and unconditional love and acceptance of each others faults.

 

"Mutual" respect...is it not respectful to maintain oneself for the partner?

  • Like 2
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
I agree about changing someone, that's why I dumped my last ex. Don't you think however that when you meet someone and you look a certain way, you have some obligation maintaining what you can about the way you look? I think very few people love unconditionally, maybe he would argue if you really loved him that much you wouldn't turn into a different looking person after 6 months? (aging process that you can't control notwithstanding)

 

If I went out with a hot, muscular guy and he put on 50lbs of fat and I said I didn't fancy him anymore sexually, would that prey on his insecurities or would it be the case of his turning physically into someone I would not have fancied ever and would not have wanted to date?

 

Good point...

 

And I would think that a byproduct of a healthy relationship is one where a SO can make "suggestions" to their partners without fear of being berated or crushing the others self esteem and confidence.

 

Its all in the delivery, really...If you handle it properly it can go well..If you act like a jackass, well, expect to get kicked in the teeth.

 

TFY

  • Like 2
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
Oh, you know I love the hell out of you, but people know when they're gaining weight. People don't do anything about it unless and until they want to, though. If they want to do something about it, great. If they don't, that's fine too, and it's fine for the other person to go off and find something that they want more.

 

And people also have to realize that this reflects on their personality more than they will ever realize.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

Its all in the delivery, really...If you handle it properly it can go well..If you act like a jackass, well, expect to get kicked in the teeth.

 

The better you know someone, the easier it is. Much easier after being together for 5 years than for 6 months.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
Good point...

And I would think that a byproduct of a healthy relationship is one where a SO can make "suggestions" to their partners without fear of being berated or crushing the others self esteem and confidence.

 

Its all in the delivery, really...If you handle it properly it can go well..If you act like a jackass, well, expect to get kicked in the teeth.

 

TFY

 

Exactly, the ability to give and receive feedback is another personality trait in itself. If a partner were scared of open communication with you because you'd freak out at the slightest hint of negative words, I don't know how fulfilling of a relationship you would have... :confused:

 

But at least it'd always be rainbows and butterflies... :bunny:

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
And people also have to realize that this reflects on their personality more than they will ever realize.

 

I don't think it reflects on personality. I am extremely experienced in this entire area.

  • Like 1
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted
Oh, you know I love the hell out of you,

That's ok, we can still disagree :)

but people know when they're gaining weight. People don't do anything about it unless and until they want to, though. If they want to do something about it, great. If they don't, that's fine too, and it's fine for the other person to go off and find something that they want more.

The thing is, if I was married to someone who stopped caring, I wouldn't want to divorce him but would rather that he started caring again.

I just hope the OP doesn't end up with some girl who is skinny and wears makeup and jewelry but cheats on him or takes all his money. Obviously I'm not saying there's an either or going on, but people have to make sure their priorities are straight for them.

Well yes let's hope there are more options than that.

Archgirl Established Member

Archgirl

Posted
Posted
I agree about changing someone, that's why I dumped my last ex. Don't you think however that when you meet someone and you look a certain way, you have some obligation maintaining what you can about the way you look? I think very few people love unconditionally, maybe he would argue if you really loved him that much you wouldn't turn into a different looking person after 6 months? (aging process that you can't control notwithstanding)

 

If I went out with a hot, muscular guy and he put on 50lbs of fat and I said I didn't fancy him anymore sexually, would that prey on his insecurities or would it be the case of his turning physically into someone I would not have fancied ever and would not have wanted to date?

 

But everyone is going to change how they look, especially long term. Who has the body of a 20 year old at 80? After having 3 kids?

 

Isn't that the goal? To be with someone that long? Otherwise what's the point at all?

 

And I don't think you an build that sort of relationship by judging your partners appearance and trying to change them. But obviously I don't know for certain.

 

I think whether you look after your health or not is your personal choice but is more likely to happen in a relationship where you are valued loved and supported as you are.

  • Like 2
Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
That's ok, we can still disagree :)

 

The thing is, if I was married to someone who stopped caring, I wouldn't want to divorce him but would rather that he started caring again.

 

Well yes let's hope there are more options than that.

 

I agree completely. And you are phrasing it perfectly. All I'm saying is that you (general you) can't make someone else lose weight. You can say something or not, and they can leave or not, and you can leave or not, but they are the only ones who will either do something about it or not.

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted

Oh, wait. I just want to say that it's not always about caring. There were many times when I cared a great deal about my weight, but didn't make huge attempts to change it because of a lot of other aspects. I'm not quick to judge as to why someone is overweight or underweight. In fact, I don't really notice weight.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted
But everyone is going to change how they look, especially long term. Who has the body of a 20 year old at 80? After having 3 kids?

 

Isn't that the goal? To be with someone that long? Otherwise what's the point at all?

I think a lot of people are consistent with the way they look over many years. Some will have their weight going up or down, others will maintain it. It's not certain at all that everyone just gets fat by the time they hit 60. It's usually about relationship with food. Certain things you can't control, others you can.

And I don't think you an build that sort of relationship by judging your partners appearance and trying to change them. But obviously I don't know for certain.

I don't think it's 'changing' though if you want them to care the way they did when you met.

I think whether you look after your health or not is your personal choice but is more likely to happen in a relationship where you are valued loved and supported as you are.

See, I think it's not a personal choice. I think if you have a loving spouse and children, it's selfish not to maintain your health on many levels. I see people smoking and drinking themselves to an early grave and having their partner and kids watch that over the years. Pretty cruel.

 

But getting back to the appearance side: it seems like a one-sided love when one person can do what they like and the other just has to put up with it.

  • Like 2
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
I don't think it reflects on personality. I am extremely experienced in this entire area.

 

How so?

 

-I give up easily.

-I am lazy, so I choose not to participate in some kind of fitness maintenance program.

-I can't manage my time well enough to incorporate some kind of fitness maintenance program.

-I am lazy, so I make poor food choices.

-I can't organize my time well so I make poor food choices.

-I have no self-control, so I make poor food choices; and I eat too much of those food choices.

-etc.

-etc.

-etc.

 

It most definitely reflects on personality.

  • Like 1
USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted
I agree completely. And you are phrasing it perfectly. All I'm saying is that you (general you) can't make someone else lose weight. You can say something or not, and they can leave or not, and you can leave or not, but they are the only ones who will either do something about it or not.

 

And this is why it's so important to establish early on this personality trait. Will they always care? No sense tip-toeing around the fact that some people will just stop caring while others will always care.

 

The ones who care should find others who care, and the ones who don't care should find the ones who don't care.

 

Again, it's very reflective of personality.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted
Oh, wait. I just want to say that it's not always about caring. There were many times when I cared a great deal about my weight, but didn't make huge attempts to change it because of a lot of other aspects. I'm not quick to judge as to why someone is overweight or underweight. In fact, I don't really notice weight.

 

Not everyone cares that much either. It could be that someone starts drinking heavily or battle with an eating disorder and not seek help. I think my point is that there are two people in a relationship and you can't make isolated decisions.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

Posted
Posted

But getting back to the appearance side: it seems like a one-sided love when one person can do what they like and the other just has to put up with it.

 

And the person who does what they like often calls the person who has to put up with it: "selfish"...

  • Like 2
Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
And this is why it's so important to establish early on this personality trait. Will they always care? No sense tip-toeing around the fact that some people will just stop caring while others will always care.

 

The ones who care should find others who care, and the ones who don't care should find the ones who don't care.

 

Again, it's very reflective of personality.

 

Also, some people might not care initially and then may end up caring later. Or something else might happen. It's hard to predict future personality changes and life changes. I say have fun, and if something truly important to you isn't working out, move on.

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that you can't change other people.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted
And the person who does what they like often calls the person who has to put up with it: "selfish"...

 

Or shallow. While in reality the quickest way to lose your sex life in a marriage/LTR is ending up a slob and stop caring about the way you look.

  • Like 2
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...