She's getting comfortable and settling in a bit' - Weight gain

[paperboy48]

I think she is getting comfortable and settling in! We have been dating for six months. I have posted on here about how she stopped wearing make-up as much and jewelry (I know I got the riot act for the makeup statement). Anyways, now she is starting with the weight gain. When I met her, she worked out (gym, treadmill, work out videos) religiously every day. Now, she has given that up almost completely. She goes on walks with me and her dog and sometimes my kids. And to answer the question before its asked…yes I do exercise at least five times a week.

 

I read an article today that stated 90% of women gain weight (up to 15 lbs) in the 4-6 month period of a new relationship. This is not fair when the majority of the popularity bases a lot of their choosing their mates (at first glance) based on their attractiveness levels. I’m just sayin’

 

I realize I am going to get the riot act again from the ladies on here, I would like to hear your honest opinions on this though. As far as the guys, has this happened to you and when it did ...how did you handle it?

[pteromom]

I'm not gonna read you the riot act. If her weight is important to you though, it will do no good to complain to US. You need to talk to her, in a loving and kind way, and let her know how you are feeling.

 

Start scheduling dates that involve fitness. Take tennis lessons together. Swim. Take dance lessons. Set up your life together in a way that encourages activity and fitness.

[charlietheginger]

She goes with you and your kids on walks and you obviously

Enjoy being around her.....

 

Ask yourself do you want to date a fitness model

Or a potential mother for your kids.

[Treasa]

Perhaps you should find someone more compatible with you who also works out five times a week.

 

No matter what you say to her, she isn't going to change unless and until she feels like changing.

 

If I was happy with myself and a guy told me he didn't like what I weighed, I'd tell him to leave. Problem solved.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think you should tell her, but if I were her, I would leave you for it.

 

I have never once heard of a person who lost weight because their partner told them they were getting fat. Never. If somebody's tending to over eat and under exercise, criticizing them for it is likely to trigger even more of it.

 

Or, alternatively, you could just cut your losses and leave yourself. It seems that thinness is your main priority and you are not getting what you need the most here.

 

I think the main reason that people might feel like reading you the riot act is because you say "it's not fair." I assure you that "fairness" towards you has nothing to do with how your girlfriend handles feeling comfortable. Or how anyone anywhere deals with their own body. THAT is what's potentially offensive about your post.

 

The fact that you value skinniness over her other traits is just about your own preferences, to which you're entitled. Whether we like it or not.

[iris219]

Does your GF really look that bad?

 

I'm one of the 90%. I've recently gained 10 lbs. fter dating someone for 4 months. I can't stand it and I'm working hard to lose the weight. Your GF knows she gained weight and I imagine she isn't happy about it. She'll probably get to the point where she wants to lose it for herself.

 

Unlike you, my BF thinks I look amazing and can't imagine why I'd want to lose weight. I guess I'm lucky that he loves the way I look even though I'm 10 lbs. heavier than when we met.

[StanMusial]

Chase her around the neighborhood with a pointed stick.

[ScreamingTrees]

I can't honestly notice a 10-15 lb difference in many women who complain about how "fat" they're getting.. Give me a break, if they've got a petite, skinny frame, they're not going to look that drastically different unless they gain like 40+ lbs..

 

I personally value fitness and health.. A girl can be "meatier" but if she doesn't exercise to keep it tight within reason and have a shape, I'm not going to be attracted..

 

Take a girl who's a bit meaty, clone her, and have the clone exercise daily while she sits around all day doing nothing.. Let's say that the clone doesn't necessarily lose a noticeable amount of weight..

 

Who's going to look better, still? Probably the clone, as her body composition may change a bit, her skin may tighten, etc.. Subtle things that will make her more attractive and keep her healthy.

[hppr]

I realize I am going to get the riot act again from the ladies on here, I would like to hear your honest opinions on this though. As far as the guys, has this happened to you and when it did ...how did you handle it?

 

Have you said anything to her about it?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Paperboy48

I read an article today that stated 90% of women gain weight (up to 15 lbs) in the 4-6 month period of a new relationship. This is not fair when the majority of the popularity bases a lot of their choosing their mates (at first glance) based on their attractiveness levels. I’m just sayin’

 

I know. It's so unfair that my friend married her husband with that long wavy hair and now he's going bald! NO FAIR!!!

 

Its false advertising what she did. Not so much that she gained weight but that she acted like she lives a healthy lifestyle and randomly stopped.

 

Seriously?? I've gone through phases where I'm in a gym every day, when no carbohydrate ever passes my lips, and after a while, whoops! I've found myself on the couch with a captivating book and a cookie!

 

Never thought of a change of habit or (God forbid) feeling comfortable and content as advertising of any kind.

 

If a guy met and liked me during my more intellectual and sugar eating phase, would y'all accuse me of "false advertising" when I reverted to the gym going and no carb eating behavior?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Really, people often go through quite a lot of serious changes from the way they were when they first met their spouses during the course of a long term relationship. Not just physical changes, but career / lifestyle changes that often make them a lot different than they were when they and their spouse first chose to go through life together.

 

People who are ready for a serious ltr really need to be ready for the potential for major changes, IMO. We can only hope that our compatibility holds up through them. Often it doesn't and people break up.

 

In the case of the OP, I do get the impression that the external appearance is the most important thing (he has already complained about lack of jewelry and make-up). I do not get the idea that he's looking for anything serious or long term, either. So probably things will end up that he'll go for a series of skinny, bejeweled and made up woman and hope they stay that way - and he ought to tell them upfront how important those things are to him - and this woman will end up with a guy who enjoys women being comfortable and relaxed in their relationship, even if it means 10 more pounds.

[Eggplant]

When I met her, she worked out (gym, treadmill, work out videos) religiously every day. Now, she has given that up almost completely.

It's really hard to know whether this change of behavior is correlated with feeling safe, or if it's just random. You only have known her 6 months. I'm always gaining and losing 20 pounds. It's been that way my whole life, based mostly on the season. I always lose it again. Anyway, date a thinner woman, for whom 10 pounds oscillation isn't going to diminish your attraction so terribly. That's too much pressure to put on her if she's just barely cutting it.

[FitChick]

Have you seen photos of her from high school onward? Has her weight been steady or does she have drastic highs and lows? If she looks pretty much the same, then she probably won't get much fatter. If there are big gaps of time between photos, she might have been really fat then and destroyed all evidence. Are her parents or siblings fat?

 

I have a friend who is usually 50 lbs. overweight until she gets lonely and wants to find a boyfriend. She will become very disciplined with diet and exercise and look great and be confident. Then she attracts a man, and she stays slim during the honeymoon period. After they move in together the weight comes back on. The sex diminishes and they split up. Rinse and repeat.

 

A lot of times weight gain is related to taking the partner for granted.

[Eddie Edirol]

 

I have a friend who is usually 50 lbs. overweight until she gets lonely and wants to find a boyfriend. She will become very disciplined with diet and exercise and look great and be confident. Then she attracts a man, and she stays slim during the honeymoon period. After they move in together the weight comes back on. The sex diminishes and they split up. Rinse and repeat.

 

A lot of times weight gain is related to taking the partner for granted.

 

Dammit FC you beat me to it!

 

OP, she only goes to the gym when she has "single" time, or is on the hunt. She doesnt really want to go there, she wants to relax. So you dont havea gym rat for a gf. She probably wont go back while shes with you and I think she wont want to. Im dealing with this exact situation right now. If you werent a gym rat and you just started going yourself, you might have a chance at making her think she had to catch up with you, but you arent, so youre screwed.

 

Bottom line, youll have to break it of as this is an incompatibility. You want someone who values fitness as you do, and you might not have that here. YOu can talk to her about it, but expect things to go sour, as she might accuse you of bieng too superficial. (Assume shes been through this before as FC said) Dont worry about what people think, youre not, its a preference like any other, and everyone has preferences that discriminate against almost anything. Intelligence, education, ambition, looks, whatever.

[ascendotum]

Perhaps you should find someone more compatible with you who also works out five times a week.

 

No matter what you say to her, she isn't going to change unless and until she feels like changing.

 

If I was happy with myself and a guy told me he didn't like what I weighed, I'd tell him to leave. Problem solved.

 

The thing is T, she did change, not to suit him but her. She made more of an effort to look attractive when she was single and out hunting for a bf, but backed off on the effort once she got cozy in the relationship. She was compatible when they started dating. I get why he's upset, and if the roles were reversed I would totally understand a woman's disappointment in her bf if he slacked off on the qualities she was attracted to him for. Aspects change as life goes on, but you don't want the lust to fade real quick before devotion has had a chance to develop.

[ascendotum]

Does your GF really look that bad?

 

I'm one of the 90%. I've recently gained 10 lbs. fter dating someone for 4 months. I can't stand it and I'm working hard to lose the weight. Your GF knows she gained weight and I imagine she isn't happy about it. She'll probably get to the point where she wants to lose it for herself.

 

when you are with someone new though, you don't know when that point is and if they are over 30 it gets harder and requires more discipline. If the kilos start coming on within a few weeks, its natural that many guys are going to get a little antsy and wonder when that point (where she wants to lose it for herself) will be. I'm not saying 10lbs is a dealbreaker, but some guy's will be disappointed that the svelte figure days are over already. I've watched that show the Biggest Loser and practically everyone on that show is gung ho to lose weight & look better, but **** it took them till they got jumbo size & got free PT to help before they decide to take the initiative.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I think she is getting comfortable and settling in! We have been dating for six months. I have posted on here about how she stopped wearing make-up as much and jewelry (I know I got the riot act for the makeup statement). Anyways, now she is starting with the weight gain. When I met her, she worked out (gym, treadmill, work out videos) religiously every day. Now, she has given that up almost completely. She goes on walks with me and her dog and sometimes my kids. And to answer the question before its asked…yes I do exercise at least five times a week.

 

I read an article today that stated 90% of women gain weight (up to 15 lbs) in the 4-6 month period of a new relationship. This is not fair when the majority of the popularity bases a lot of their choosing their mates (at first glance) based on their attractiveness levels. I’m just sayin’

 

I realize I am going to get the riot act again from the ladies on here, I would like to hear your honest opinions on this though. As far as the guys, has this happened to you and when it did ...how did you handle it?

 

Women get lazy when they feel like they have a guy. This is completely normal.

 

I say just break up with her and move on. At least she didn't wait til marriage to show her true colors.

[RogerWallace111]

FC and Eddie are right...

 

A lot of people, girls and guys, just don't naturally value the positive effects of maintaining fitness and see it strictly as a means of appearing attractive to the opposite sex.

 

My ex only returned to the body type she was when I first met her briefly, in almost 4 years together. And that was just cause she and her friends got on a little novelty exercise mission. Otherwise, I'd say she consistently weighed 15-20 pounds more than in the beginning. And this is the thing about it...

 

I like thicker girls- I was attracted to her with or without a few extra pounds. It was rare that I gave it any thought at all, and when I did it was because it bothered me that she didn't care more. It wasn't "gross, look at that extra mass", it was "I know she's self-conscious about her weight, I know she'd feel more sexy with me if she were in better shape, but she still won't put in that bit of extra effort?"

 

I like biiig asses, thick thighs, and aaaall that. But I don't like feeling like I'm married or some sh*t, and that my girl is no longer too concerned with impressing me.

 

In another way, I'm glad I could make her feel confident in my attraction to her, and I did dig her body, so maybe I shouldn't have cared. She was a busy f*ckin girl and any addition to her schedule was understandably a hassle. It's just the principle I suppose (and I should note I had that thought only maybe 5 times in 4 years.)

Edited April 30, 2013 by RogerWallace111

[Leigh 87]

I've gained almost 30 lbs since first dating my bf. From 110 to 130 lbs at 5nfoot 5 with a curvy body type.

He is more attracted to me now than he has ever been. And I have really let myself go.

 

I want to eat better and exercise again now, because it makes me feel better. It is not actually much fun to be unhealthy and lazy. I am the ops giro would not really enjoy being too lazy and unhealthy either. Like most woman- she probably wants too look and feel energetic, healthy and attractive to her partner.

 

Has the women in question actually gotten a tad chubby, though? or rather: has she gone from fit and slender, as I once was, and merely gained weight to a normal size?

 

My bf did not lose attraction because its not as though I am overweight, or chubby looking. I am just not skinny anymore.

[USMCHokie]

Since I'm dead inside, I have no issue telling her in a half-joking but completely serious way, "don't get fat."

 

But as long as you continue to live a healthy lifestyle, you should promote her to do the same.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

 

Now on a more general note...if your significant other lost her job and decided she didn't want to look for another one, should you still love her "just the way she is"...? Why is physical health and appearance treated so differently...?

[Mint Sauce]

agreed that it sounds like a bait and switch, BUT 6 months is early to be fully settled in. Perhaps she put more emphasis on getting to know you these past months. She may return to her fitness routine when she's really confident the relationship doesn't require all her attention.

 

What was she like in previous years/relationships? Was working out new for her?

[Emilia]

I realize I am going to get the riot act again from the ladies on here, I would like to hear your honest opinions on this though. As far as the guys, has this happened to you and when it did ...how did you handle it?

 

It's a tough one. I tell guys I like them fit and that I don't like gut. I told an ex of mine a couple of days ago that his weight gain was getting away with him. I don't really believe in allowing people to slide downward unnoticed. He tells me when he thinks I'm not doing things right too.

 

I think when you know someone very well and you care about them, you don't just let them fall into the abyss. Supporting your partner or friend or whoever isn't about patting them on the head and telling them that everything will be ok while they get fatter, less employable, etc.

[Buttercup84]

I go to the gym at least five days a week. I am single, so I have time after work. But if I met someone, I would have to devide my time.

 

But, she must feel like she can be herself with you. No one can pretend to be super hot all the time. My ex did not like me gaining a bit of weight, yet had no six pack and gained weight too. I love the gym but if my man put on a little weight, I would not care. But if he were overweight or obese, then I would try and have a talk.

[xxoo]

Didn't you two just break up and get back together within the past month?

 

Sounds to me like she is gaining weight due to relationship stress, not "settling in". Maybe if the relationship were more stable, she'd be healthier.

[thefooloftheyear]

Eh...As long as its not out of hand I wouldnt worry too much. I am a workout nut and in very good shape, but I do like women who are curvy and softer.

 

Look at it another way(and I am NOT saying all women when I say this)...Many women that are overly obseessed with thier looks/body also like all the attention they get from other men. A good friend of mine said something to his wife about her weight gain. I thought she looked great. Houglass figure, big full tits and nice hips/ass. I wouldnt have complained about anything. Anyway, from his urging she signed up with a personal trainer and proceeded to leave him for the trainer!!

 

Whenever I hear friends of mine talking about how their wives suddenly lost weight and had a boob job, invariably they wind up splitting up. Ive witnessed it several times with people I know..

 

Be careful what you wish for.

 

TFY