GF-GF - Ex GF now wants new start?

[dazednconfuse]

Ok...so I will try to keep this brief. For additional background I posted on another thread about break ups...but now I am on to second chances so new thread...

 

My ex GF and I were best friends for many years. We ended up dating for 2 years and were inseperable...I was not ready to 'come out' and also was dealing with a very sick mother. So, all in all, I took her for granted, neglected her and stopped showing affection when she was ready to move in and start a long term partnership. She ended it a week after I told her she could not move in with me and apparantly had met over the previous month a young, smart, cute woman that she connected with..so she left me. Even though I was not ready for her to move in ...I was clear that I wanted and saw her in my life forever. This was July 2012. I was a complete wreck and after all dumb behaviours of begging/etc I backed off and just pretended to be ok.

 

Over the summer 2012 she would text or call mainly to keep tabs on me. She was very secretive about how she was spending her time but it didnt take long for me to figure there was this other woman. She said she loved/missed me and hoped someday our 'mess' would be ok. I knew she thought she could have her young cake gf and me as her best friend...no way. But, I stuck around to see what would happen even though it killed me.

 

Then in October we started talking more and I soon found out the grass was not greener. She came clean that while her new gf was awesome she also was extremely controlling. For a while my ex just rolled with the flow but eventually their type A personalities clashed big time. Then the roller coaster began.

 

Over the winter she said many times she wanted a redo with me and was just waiting for her gf to go away but kept getting sucked back in. I believed it.

 

Then this past Jan she started acting a bit more cold and would get pissy with me if I talked about an us or asked if her ex was gone yet. I knew something was up. By the way, but this time I had moved so was not right around the corner from her anymore. She would keep talking about visiting then cancel last minute...every weekend. She had tons of excuses...the main one is that her gf is in the service and has access and able to track people etc.

 

So then, after a couple months of this I was in her town in MArch and we had plans to go out one evening. She completely bailed...made up and excuse about work and then when I pushed her on it she finally said she did not want to go. She was sorry. She still loved her 'ex' and that for our sanity she had to let me go from her life so she could focus on a new life with the 'ex'. She said she did not feel for me the way I want her to and that her 'ex' is in her heart. Basically meant she wasnt attracted to anyone but her 'ex'.

 

I tracked her down the next day at her house...made her tell me that in person....she picked her 'ex' although that day she claimed it was an up and down relationship and they didnt break up. Said they had been intimate since she said she wanted me back. I walked out the door with as much dignity as I could and was to never call her again.

 

Then, a week goes by....then she started calling and texting. I ignored this for days. Finally she said what she wanted to share and that she was miserable and wanted me back. She wants a redo. I took a week to think about it and told her she needed to prove it because I heard it about 3 times before.

 

A week later we are in MExico on vacation...to start a relationship as friends again...how we first started. There was zero intimacy.

 

It has been a month and we see each other when we can and talk all the time. I have my guard up but this girl means the world to me so am taking it day at a time.

 

Here is the kicker....the 'ex' is still around...is persistant to get back together. My ex told me she doesnt want to hurt her and knows she will eventually just go away like they all do. But I heard that back in December then get the 'real' story in MArch. I know they still have contact and I know the other ex shows up at my exes house for 'discussions'.

 

I think my ex is still really attracted to her ex but knows they just are not a right fit. I think she knows I am but wants to go slow.

 

So, what do I tell her....keep playing cool as she is coming around or tell her I am going to date others if she doesnt commit? Or something else?

 

I can not do ultimatum because her last gf was controlling and jealous type and that was part of their issue while I was always not that way.

 

Sorry for long post but thats the way it is

[mbee]

I would be extremely cautious in this situation. It sounds like this woman has taken you through a roller coaster of emotions and is not even sure what she actually wants. I think it's better you continue as friends for awhile. No ultimatums and certainly don't try to push her to commit to you at all!

 

If she wants to be with you, then she will be with you. But given your past history, I'd remain a distant friend to her especially since she's still hung up on her ex. It sounds like this needs more time. Good luck!

[dazednconfuse]

Thanks mbee.

 

I hate that it feels like a game. If I am too cold and distant than she will take it as I dont care. If I am too available then she may take me for granted. I feel like I have to not talk about a relationship...because we are supposedly building a new one....but I do not feel full trust in anything she says and not sure how she spends her time. I have no idea how she is handling the ex.

 

She was the one who came crying back to me for a chance. Then I give her one and she seems to not really try as hard as I expect her to.

[mbee]

Yes, I know it's hard but if she wanted to get back to you it wouldn't be a game. So here's the thing my ex did something bad last year, and we were broken up for 4 weeks. He was distant, playing games, and not giving me any solid answers on what he wanted. I just let him continue playing his games, and went out on a couple of dates, focused on work, and was broken hearted about it as usual.

 

When he was ready to get back together he made a HUGE effort! He was open, honest, willing to prove his honesty and was ready for a commitment. There were no mind games and he was very clear that he wanted only me. I got back together with him and a year later unfortunately, we are back to being broken up (as of a week ago).

 

What I learned from that situation is that people are ready when they are ready. Your ex still sounds like she's confused. She has feelings for you and is still not over her ex. She doesn't want to lose you either, but she's not ready to completely give up on her ex. She's still confused and trust me, I know it's hard to wait around.

 

But you don't want to enter a relationship with this woman worried that she's still in love with someone else. When she wants you fully, you'll know and she'll be completely committed to you. It may take time but you need to be patient. You can be there for her as a friend but continue dating, meeting new people and try to not get too attached to your ex again. Let her come to you!

[mbee]

Also one other thing, when I got back with my ex a year ago, during those 4 weeks apart he did not want to talk about our relationship. He even said it would make him NOT want to be together again. When he was ready to be with me again we were able to discuss our past, answer questions, come up with solutions to move forward, and after some time let go and begin again.

 

You have to discuss some things that happen and know she has cut off the ex. But like I said, it sounds like she's not ready and needs more time.

[dazednconfuse]

mbee-sorry to hear about the breakup. Hopefully it is something you wanted.

 

So, you are saying I should just roll with it and hope she does as she said. I know her m.o. and when she does end things she is clear but it does seem to take time for her to be done....she said she has been clear over and over with ex and says she is just hoping she goes away. She said the other is 'persistant'.

 

I know until the other is no longer in the picture she will not fully commit to our new relationship because she will not want to be exposed. And I do not want to be not 100% wanted. It just sucks bc she is being stupid...and she is the one who begged me back...

 

So, I guess I can only just wait but also be busy. sigh

[inaya42]

I think you should let her go. reading your story makes me feel bad for you. why should you subject your heart to your ex's whims. for whatever reason she doesn't want to be with you ... now at least. people have a right to grow, make choices, learn for themselves. wish this woman well and sincerely mean it. and with minimal fuss disappear from her life for 3 to 6 months. during that time, grieve and fall in love with YOU...