AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 So I wasn’t really sure where to post this, but I felt like this was the right place as the heart of the issue really does involve cheating and lying. Is there anyone out there who knows they are with a narcissist but has decided to stick by them? I’ve read a ton of articles online, and it never paints the narcissist in a very good light and every article tells the partner to run. My current boyfriend exhibits many traits of a narcissist. I’ve had him read articles and he said it sounds like him to a T. It is a personality disorder. It’s part of him. Does that mean he deserves to go through life alone? That I should just leave him? According to every article I’ve read, yes that’s exactly what should happen as a narcissist will just drain me completely dry. Maybe I’m just in denial, but he is still a person who has feelings and emotions. I think he is very capable of love, I think he just has many more obstacles to overcome than most people. Basically I’m just really curious if there is anyone who knows their partner/spouse is narcissistic but has decided to try to build a life with them? Thank you for your time!
Minnie09 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 You are kidding, right? You ARE kidding!?! It's not worth it. Call it what you will, but being disrespected*in a relationship is never ok. I don't know what traits your BF exhibits, but if he's a cheater who uses people to his own benefit and disrespects everybody else's feelings, if he's an attention whore who would do anything to get his ego-stroke on a daily basis, who can't feel remorse or empathy after manipulating and hurting the ones he allegedly loves, and he has a gf like you who "understands" his problems, and is supportive.......good for him.......but good luck with that.....trust me......he loves the attention......now you give him a personality disorder on top of that and you want to help him........more reason for him to go about his own business without caring about you, because you're there anyways to catch him......and what are you even complaining about? He has a personality disorder, a bad one, and you knew it...so suck it up and throw some attention his way......wow he read the article YOU gave him and recognized his own behavior in that? OMG.......npd paradise.......you're gonna be so the victim......I mean if he wants to be that better person for you, great......but seriously......you baby him because he has NPD? Awe - somebody's got to stay with him.....awe.....he can't be alone without a relationship just because he's got that mental / emotional disorder.....aweeeee......guess what?!? Yes he can. Because he can't connect with anybody on a deep level anyhow. If you're serious, op, and I'm not sure you are, I wouldn't be worried about him. If YOU let him down....NEXT.....He won't even feel it. 1
Leegh Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I have a sister who I believe is a narcissist. I have "googled" and read many articles on narcissism and as you said, she fits it to a T. I always sensed over the years that she had a "chip on her shoulder" and was always very negative, and would "rain on everybody's parade". Unless you are madly in love with him, I would end the relationship or be very, very cautious. Narcissists can go for long for periods of time, and appear "normal" but when something does not go their way, they will have a fit. I read also that the brain controls different parts of thinking, emotion, etc., so a narcissist could be intelligent in many ways, and have a great job, but on the other spectrum, act like a two year old in other ways. Narcissists are also very sensitive to critisim and have no empathy for other people. Ironically, narcissists tend to make a better first impression than other people in job interviews and social situations. I've known people that were hard to get along with, but narcissists are the absolute worst!
KathyM Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I am not married to a narcissist, but my sister was. He cheated on her at least twice that she knows of. The first time, he was very apologetic, so she reconciled with him. After the second time, their marriage ended. It's not that narcissists are incapable of loving someone, it's that their love for themselves will always take priority. Their needs, their wants, their desires, their wishes, will always come first with them. They have a very hard time seeing things the way their partner does. They have very little or no empathy for others. It's not a good plan to try to make a relationship work with a narcissist because he will think he is entitled to do what he wants, when he wants to, and his needs will always come first. 3
KathyM Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Narcissists also need excessive admiration. Excessive validation. That is one reason why they are prone to having affairs--because they need this excessive admiration that an affair provides, and they think they are entitled to it, i.e., their needs/desires are more important than their partner's need/desire for monogamy. 3
Author AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Wow...you guys sound just like the articles. I love him, that's why I posted the question. I'm not a victim...I call him on his crap and I don't feed in to his bs. This causes a lot of arguments, but it's also helped him realize there is something wrong. He does things and he honestly has no explanation for them. To say he lacks empathy is an understatement. I started researching infidelity and stumbled upon narcissism. It was like they were talking about my boyfriend. I gave him the links to read to open his eyes. Which it did just that. He isn't using it as a crutch. He is very ashamed to be honest. I'm not saying you guys are wrong....maybe I am setting myself up for a horrible life. To be honest though, to finally have an explanation of why our relationship is so...different...is eye opening and freeing. I feel like it has given me tools to actually work with knowing what I'm up against. Leegh: Is/has your sister even been married? Does she know she is narcissistic and has she worked towards "controlling" it to the best of her ability? Thank you guys for your responses....I guess I was just hoping I'm not alone in the idea that a narcissistic person can have a meaningful relationship.
Leegh Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Yes, my sister is married, but I don't think she and her husband are happily married. She is the "boss" in her family, but her husband's mother was very similar to my sister, so I think in a way he was attracted to that quality in her, at least at first. I don't know if my sister thinks she's a narcissist, as we've never talked about it, as we are not close at all. She would be mad at me if I brought it up to her. I only see her several times a year on holidays. There are many books on narcissism, as I've read the reviews about them on Amazon quite a number of times. I think it's difficult, because I'm sure your boyfriend does have a lot of good qualities, and if it was something that developed in his early childhood, he can't really help it. I guess everyone's personality develops differently.
Author AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 I definitely think it has a lot to do with his childhood and his mother. Big "mommy issues" to make a really long story short. I think that's why he treats women the way he does. He does have good qualities and he is able to step back and recognise these issues about himself. Now I'm just waiting to see what he does with this information I guess.... 1
Treasa Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I dated two narcissists out of all of my boyfriends. OMG, never again. Moth to the flame, not doing that again.
Decorative Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I definitely think it has a lot to do with his childhood and his mother. Big "mommy issues" to make a really long story short. I think that's why he treats women the way he does. He does have good qualities and he is able to step back and recognise these issues about himself. Now I'm just waiting to see what he does with this information I guess.... It's probably best to have him professionally evaluated. Personality disorders can be tough to properly diagnose and treat. There can be other issues at play that make this look like the right answer, but it might not be. But back to the original question? I would not continue in a relationship with a narcissist. When my husband was undergoing evaluation- I knew narcissism was a deal breaker, straight up, for me. 1
Author AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 I have seen him at his lowest points. I have seen tantrums, rages, alcohol induced rages. I'm not unaware of what he is capable of....trust me. But I've also seen good. I see the love he has for his son and that is real. I have been with him for 4 years so the "character" he was portraying has vanished so to speak about 3 and a half years ago. I know I cannot change him, and I know he can't really change himself. He can try to be better and keep certain things under control, but that's about all I guess. I'm unsure of why I'm willing to allow myself to be in this type of relationship. I love him and I understand he has issues. It's hard to make the idea that since he has a personality disorder, he doesn't deserve my love. If nothing else is real, my love for him is. I think I'm just confused and I don't really have anyone else to talk to. Thank you everyone for your advice. I am listening...it's just hard.
KathyM Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I have seen him at his lowest points. I have seen tantrums, rages, alcohol induced rages. I'm not unaware of what he is capable of....trust me. Hun, it is only going to get worse. Why would you want to deal with this? Sure, he may have some good points as well, but do you really want all this negative stuff in your life? Personality disorders are pervasive. They are engrained. They are extremely difficult to treat, even with extensive counseling. But I've also seen good. I see the love he has for his son and that is real. I have been with him for 4 years so the "character" he was portraying has vanished so to speak about 3 and a half years ago. I know I cannot change him, and I know he can't really change himself. He can try to be better and keep certain things under control, but that's about all I guess. I'm unsure of why I'm willing to allow myself to be in this type of relationship. I love him and I understand he has issues. It's hard to make the idea that since he has a personality disorder, he doesn't deserve my love. If nothing else is real, my love for him is. I think I'm just confused and I don't really have anyone else to talk to. Thank you everyone for your advice. I am listening...it's just hard. Narcissists can put on an act for a time, try to be on their best behavior, but their true self will eventually come out. Those NPD traits will chip away at your love, and you will find yourself and your needs always taking the back seat or dismissed in favor of what he wants.
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