Smokemirrors Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I recently went through a breakup and have been searching for answers in everyway possible as my ex certainly was not giving it to me. Forums, websites, books, friends, family, strangers. And I still don't get them. I hear all the advice, she's no good for you, you deserve better, give it time, you'll find someone new etc etc blah blah blah. It all makes sense but we're clouded by irrational thoughts making us understand but not believe/want to believe. You go in circles, driving yourself insane. But after the dust settles, there's only one truth so lets be brave and say it together. THEY LEFT US. They no longer wanted to be with us. We were no longer what they wanted. I know you'll say 'but I really believe they loved me - he/she told me!' That's all good, they might have done or they might have lied, either way, you come to the same conclusion. THEY LEFT US AS THEY NO LONGER WANTED TO BE WITH US. The moment they said those words, they broke the relationship. They killed it. Stabbed it and left it for dead. Gave us a killer blow. They ruined the bond and it can never recover. Be honest with yourself, I know am trying. If you can't find a reason to be angry with them, be angry with them for breaking up with you. Because by doing that they broke everything that you two stood for. They broke your future, your memories. Gave it a killer blow. So be angry at them for that. Of course there's no need to tell them this, but use it as motivation to get through the day. Then the week, then the month. Lets stop moping, secretly hoping to get back together, whilst telling everyone that you don't. I'll say it again. THEY BROKE UP WITH US. They killed it. Use the experience and grow. Life is not easy, you'll get knocked down but you have to get back up. If you don't you lose. Do you want to be a loser? Do you want to be beaten by someone who has killed something you loved and held so dearly? If they loved you like you thought, they would not have BROKEN UP WITH US. Humans only learn and gain through experience. This is an experience you can use to truly grow as a person and become better than you were. Better than you are now. Better than you thought you can be. You snagged one before, so by being better, you'll snag a better one, one that WANTS to be with you, and WON'T BREAK UP WITH YOU. When you think about them, don't think of the good times. At least not until you're better. But instead think about how they **** on the relationship. Killed it. After everything you done for them, they still didn't think it was enough. So be angry at them for being so foolish. This is how we move on. Do not hope to get them back because - for the last time - THEY BROKE UP WITH US. They don't want us/what we had! In my view, that's reason enough to move on. 9
ConfusedT Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 They did ruin it and they are the ones at fault, unfortunately, it doesn't change our feelings about the situation or how hard it is to get by day in and day out after the ending of such. Being angry, sometimes just doesn't work at least initially. It took me MONTHS to get over my previous ex, and that was literally the most unhealthy, distructive relationship EVER. and I didn't start getting angry until I was no longer sad, which took quite a while after the tears.. I also think honesty is a hard thing at the beginning because you are confused with the situation and many still have rose colored glasses on about their ex... but over time, yes people do clearly see what they had not before!! I wish stopping mopping was that easy, but I think you gotta go through it, to get to it, no matter how hard it is and YES!!!! Experience should be used as growth, good or bad... I agree, try your HARDEST to focus on the bad because the good can break your heart!! 1
Author Smokemirrors Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 They did ruin it and they are the ones at fault, unfortunately, it doesn't change our feelings about the situation or how hard it is to get by day in and day out after the ending of such. Being angry, sometimes just doesn't work at least initially. It took me MONTHS to get over my previous ex, and that was literally the most unhealthy, distructive relationship EVER. and I didn't start getting angry until I was no longer sad, which took quite a while after the tears.. I also think honesty is a hard thing at the beginning because you are confused with the situation and many still have rose colored glasses on about their ex... but over time, yes people do clearly see what they had not before!! I wish stopping mopping was that easy, but I think you gotta go through it, to get to it, no matter how hard it is and YES!!!! Experience should be used as growth, good or bad... I agree, try your HARDEST to focus on the bad because the good can break your heart!! Don't get me wrong, I'm still incredibly sad. It's been three weeks and I know I could continue feeling like this for weeks/months if I let it. I'm trying to make myself believe. I'm doing this by getting angry at the way they three away something that I thought was so special. So so special. But they destroyed it the second they walked out the door. And for that, as much as it hurts and makes me sad, is the reality. The reality you shared was destroyed. It was my favourite thing in the world, and the person I loved broke it. And for that, I'm going to be angry. Until I get through this phase. Then I will forgive 1
ConfusedT Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I do hope wish you the best and I do think it has a LOT to do with your attitude about it and you seem very focused on getting over them and through it, so I'd say you're on the best path that you can be.. Sometimes the break up is really a good thing when you look back at it, not now of course, but in retrospect, all things that should work out will and all things that shouldn't wont, no matter how hard things are forced... I know how hard it is to just be "left" but maybe think of it as an opportunity for growth in some sense. GOOD, i wish I could be angry, im not very strong when it comes to love and I fight continuously for what i love, even when I shouldn't.... If I have to be honest, and this is going to sound terrible and is probably the foundation for most of the problems I have in relationships... I dont have "hard feelings" for everything my ex did to me and put me through, but I have never really forgiven him- ever.. i feel like he doesn't deserve forgiveness... and I know thats wrong...
Author Smokemirrors Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 If I have to be honest, and this is going to sound terrible and is probably the foundation for most of the problems I have in relationships... I dont have "hard feelings" for everything my ex did to me and put me through, but I have never really forgiven him- ever.. i feel like he doesn't deserve forgiveness... and I know thats wrong... I think ultimately, forgiveness is the final step to take for complete recovery. Once we forgive we let go of the bad feelings and just accept. Accept life as it is. Life is unfair, but that's ok. Learn to forgive and accept and you'll be happier.
Treasa Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Life is unfair, but that's ok. Learn to forgive and accept and you'll be happier. Life isn't fair to anyone. Life is fairly brutal to everyone if you look at it that way. I haven't cried over a relationship ending since 2010. And I've had three since then. Breakups happen. What may seem horrible at the time will likely end up being a blessing. I dated four men in a row where, looking back now, I realize none of them were good enough or right enough for me. If a guy breaks up with me, it has NO impact whatsoever on my happiness or how I feel about myself. It took 38 years of mistake after mistake and finally learning (and most of that was somewhat recent) from them to realize that relationships, apart from someone dying, aren't that big of a deal. I have my loved ones who will always be there for me. If something doesn't work out romantically, it's not a big deal. The rest of the world doesn't have these idyllic, storybook relationships. The relationships people yearn to have are pretty much made up by the same producers who bring you giant robots from outer space. I mean, I LOVE Transformers, but it's fiction. Real relationships are hard and messy and annoying at times, and most aren't about passion and amazing sex and rose petals after a while. The ones who are in the best ones are the ones who are the happiest with their own lives and with themselves. No guy in the world will ever be able to complete me, as I am already a fully complete person. You know who I'm madly in love with? Me. It's awesome. Loving yourself is seriously one of the most amazing things ever. And I don't mean just liking or being ok with yourself, but really LOVING yourself. Even though I make mistakes, am not perfect, and can be a raging bitch at times, I love myself completely at all times. I swear, learn to have fun with yourself () and you will already have your happiness. And then it becomes sort of crazy how little things that used to make you cry even REGISTER with you anymore. 5
Alderaan Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Thank you for this, I keep reading it over and over and it makes me feel better. I'm still trying to get myself off the ground since I got broken up with last week. Is it normal to feel a bit guilty for being mad at them? The reason for the break up was unbearable work stress and a man-cave retreat to sort out his life. Still I can't help but feel this weird mixture of understanding his reasons, but also rage, desperation and confusion.
tinker683 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 What about those of us who ended a relationship not because we wanted it to end but because the other person had already checked out and was just too scared to end it herself? Does that still me the big bad dumper?
intigo Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Great post what you wrote in the first sentences is what i have in my mind.I dissagree with only one thing ANGER yes it can help you recover yes it can make you stronger yes you can use anger to get over them but it can also hurt you if you overdo it. Had an ex in 2011 i did everything perfect i gave her what SHE told me she wanted and she dumped me... i cried i got depressed and then i found the anger inside me. It turned me to another person had no feelings for noone build my walls and only cared for me. Fast forward to summer 2012 met my current ex didnt gave her the affection she wanted i was afraid to feel and here i am now alone again. Did anger help me ger over my first ex? sure. it also helped me built a great body at the gym!!! did it help me in my last relationship?hell no. Truth is somewhere in between try to control your feelings you can turn love into hate easily but imo letting love fade away is better for your soul.As for those who think about forgiving their exes. Forgive them for what? because the want to live without you? because they hurt you?Did they ask for forgiveness? I still love my ex and she is already in a new RS do i hate her for this?no i feel sad about what i did and not about what she did. I do care but shes not part of my life anymore there is nothing to forgive.
Author Smokemirrors Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 What about those of us who ended a relationship not because we wanted it to end but because the other person had already checked out and was just too scared to end it herself? Does that still me the big bad dumper? That doesn't make you the dumper. As you said, 'she checked out'. SHE gave up on the relationship, not you. You made have said the words, but her actions should be enough. She passively broke up with you because she was too much of a coward to end it herself. Emotionally immature. Soon, as you get better, you'll realise this. Only be with someone that wants to be with you.
Am4Real Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 You're describing the transition between denial and anger and dwelling on anger as a motivation. Personally that approach in itself does not work for me. There is always a factor of anger, i get that, and it's healthy to reflect oh how one is affected. However, going over negative details to overpower feelings of fondness and positive memory will keep you fixated on the worst without the opportunity for progressive grieving and healing. Be careful with such negative therapy. 1
Author Smokemirrors Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Thanks for the response Am4Real. That was a heat of the moment post but certainly helped me through the rest of the day. It was only meant as fleeting anger, like using the last ounce of strength you have to overcome that obstacle (ie last mile of a marathon). Once done, there's no need to hold on to it. But when reflecting back you can say you used it wisely.
Am4Real Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Agree... Perfectly normal for those who feel they have been wronged in any way and are striking out either in thought or otherwise. Keep it in perspective as your last post obviously does...we all have felt hurt, humiliation, deception, been victims of lies and more...and as you read the thousands of posts here each and everyday, you will find that "you", "me" and "others" all have fallen to the negative aspects of a relationship gone bad. Let it out. That's okay! Learn from it and heed these words carefully: one day you will be the dumper, respect the dumpee, respect him or her in ways you were not. Terminate the relationship with respect (where possible) and let it go in the best possible departing. Then...go in peace and with good mind. For now, find your own peace. It will likely become rough again at the acceptance stage, the stage following anger. You might find yourself reaching acceptance then going backward into anger again. You may even tip-toe around denial one more time or two or more and bounce back and forth between such denial, anger and acceptance before reaching beyond that to forgiveness or simple peace of mind. Allow time to do it's craft and take you though these cycles. Keep your pride and dignity in tact. If you don't have a break up buddy, find one if you can and if you can't, there are thousands of us here on LS who will gladly take up the honor. Best to you... Thanks for the response Am4Real. That was a heat of the moment post but certainly helped me through the rest of the day. It was only meant as fleeting anger, like using the last ounce of strength you have to overcome that obstacle (ie last mile of a marathon). Once done, there's no need to hold on to it. But when reflecting back you can say you used it wisely.
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