mbee Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Hi folks, I'm 24, soon to be 25, and my ex is 29. We just ended our relationship of over 2 years about 6 days ago. We both lived together and owned dogs. A week ago from yesterday, he brought up breaking up. This had evolved from a discussion I brought up with him about whether or not we should marry. We always discussed marriage but I wanted an honest discussion with him about whether he felt I could be that person for him. Anyway, he said he didn't want to break up and just wants me to be happy and that he thinks we aren't ready for marriage now but soon. I told him last Sunday I was so very happy with him and wanted to make things work. The rest of the day was great. On Monday we just spent all day together (I work weekends and he's a professor) and had such a wonderful day. On Tuesday he woke up wanting to snuggle and seemed super happy. He even started crying a bit and said it was tears of happiness. Than an hour later, he started bawling and saying he wanted to break up. I was in shock and suggested he sleep somewhere else tonight to work out his feelings. But he took EVERYTHING out of the apartment. I freaked out and got very upset, because he started saying how I was cruel and wouldn't just let him leave. He then got so upset, he lunged at me, grabbed my neck and pushed my body violently into the bathroom. He's never once did anything like that, and I looked up signs of an abuser and none were in our relationship. I called the cops, and left my place crying. When I came back everything was gone and one of our dogs (we have 2 dogs). I called him to talk and he was so angry with me. He wouldn't and still hasn't apologized for hurting me. Stupidly, I was trying to think of any way this could work. He would write me emails telling me how much he loves me, cares about me but needs his space. He even called me Thursday night and had this sweet conversation, it seemed like everything could be normal. Friday I was feeling better and then I was out in some random city and saw him with another girl. Worse thing, she's a girl he was talking with online a month ago. She's married and their conversations were 95% appropriate especially since she seemed to want to work things out with her husband. The other 5% wasn't sexual or even romantic just saying stuff like "I find myself finding hope in how we connect". It made me uncomfortable so he immediately stopped talking to her, wrote her saying they couldn't talk for awhile and defriended her on Facebook and the sad thing is I felt bad. Maybe nothing was going on. So I told him he could friend her again, but he said he didn't want to. I don't know if they had sex that night, but they definitely kissed and he confirmed it and denied that they slept together and that he had been drunk. The girl lives states away but was visiting her best friend, who my ex is currently staying with. I couldn't stop crying in the phone to him about the lies. A year ago we broke up for a week. I was volunteering in Kenya and it had happened on my birthday. We were meeting in another country and I thought we were still together since we talked like bf/gf. I found out he had slept with someone else during that time. It was devastating but I forgave him, he did all the right things (cutting off contact, letting me check his phone and messages, showing I could trust him again, etc.) The last year seemed really good with normal ups and downs. I did not see this coming! I know he's insecure and had anxieties and we were planning to go to couple's therapy so he could voice these issues. But instead he randomly dumped me, and worse of all he did it in a terrible way. He made me feel secure. He was so nice to me the past month, even bought groceries for when he left to go home for a few weeks. I make more money than him and pay for most of the rent, buy most of the stuff, take us on fun vacations so him taking the time and effort to do something that's really hard for him meant so much to me. I really felt secure in our relationship and then he just goes ahead and does this to me. He even wont let me see my other dog who I never got to say goodbye to. I'm in shock and don't know what to do. I'm trying to accept that he probably never loved me, because if he did, why would he hurt me like this. He just lashed out, physically assaulted me, lied to me and maybe even slept with another woman one day after it ended (knowing he did this last time and it broke my heart). I know we can't be together even though I so very badly want to be. It's just so hard. He wont give any explanations for what happened or how he could say 2 days before all this happened that he was so happy and in love with me, to practically tearing my heart out. Any ideas on what to do? I want closure but he wont give me any. And worse of all he keeps saying he wants us to heal together and reconcile. He still wants me in his life. I feel so foolish and heartbroken, and worse of all I still love him and want him even though I know it's one of the worse things I could do. I've stopped talking to him for 2 days and I broke down and wrote him this heartfelt email. It wasn't an email complaining or saying I want us back together. I just said I think he has a lot of issues, and that I still love him and know that even if we can't be friends or in a relationship, I want him to find help for these problems. I feel so confused and shocked and it seems to hit me every hour.
head/heels Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I dont know what to say. It sounds like he is very unstable right now and maybe he is suffering from depression. I hope he gets help and that you take the time to heal as well.
LoveB86 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) Any man that puts their hands on me in the form of physical assault is a clue to get the hell out of this relationship! How could you ever sleep at night as he might strike again. He is unstable and scary and I could not take someone like him back. Edited May 4, 2013 by LoveB86
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