Household Chores Disparity

[JohnM]

I had a look through older threads and was going to post in another similar recent one but that's gone on long enough to be bringing new stuff to the table...

 

So, since we have moved in together (About a year and a half ago) I have been doing the majority of the household chores. I like to keep on top of things when I can and keep the place tidy, don't mind leaving laundry to build up a few days before blitzing it.

 

I'm getting a bit sick of it now though, I do the majority of cooking yet still end up doing the washing up too. She goes through a hell of a lot of clothes per week and more often than not just dumps them on the bedroom floor or in the bathroom or living room when she takes them off. Does my head in having to collect it all in and 'testing' whether it needs to go in the wash or not.

 

Don't believe she has once cleaned any of the bathroom and I cleanup and maintain the cat litter every week and change it. I tried to kind of impose a splitting of the tasks by when I had done all the washing I would put the clothes away that I could and then leave a tub of ironing that needed doing. Alas, I end up doing it anyhow.

 

This month I left the washing and it mounted up to about eight loads worth before she put in one black wash. I put that on to dry and one week later that washing is still piled in the washing basket. She did about 20% of that pile of ironing before I had to sort it. It's not like these tasks were there to do for only a day or two. They were there for about two weeks without her taking to them of her own accord.

 

The tasks just seem to mount up and I'm getting fed up of always taking the bins out etc. How have you all dealt with dividing up the tasks fairly? I had considered a chart of tasks but I don't think it would be kept to. I am considering asking her if she would be open to taking tasks or areas of the house as ours each to look after. Such as I would handle laundry and ironing and emptying the bins, she could do the kitchen and bathroom cleaning. Split the cat duties and hoovering?

 

Dunno, I just feel it could cause a massive fight if it's not brought up and dealt with correctly so want to gauge opinions and advice please loveshackers!

[carhill]

If dividing up chores, and the conversation about doing it in an equitable manner, starts a big fight, then perhaps cohabitation is not in the cards.

[JohnM]

True, I can't tell if it will, but I expect she could go on the defensive when I essentially state that she is not doing her fair share. Most people don't enjoy being told they are messy or not being fair on another person. I would have to break it down to everything I do and highlight just how unoften it is that she does the same tasks.

[carhill]

If household expenses are divided, ask her how she feels about paying half of a housekeeper. Get some quotes prior. That puts a dollars and cents number on the value of your time and effort.

 

If such conversations remain contentious, I'd have no issue going back solo. Hope you don't have a multi-year lease or something like that.

[Treasa]

If you think she would neglect the cat, take the cat and go on vacation for a month without her. Otherwise, leave the cat and go on vacation for a month without her.

[JohnM]

If household expenses are divided, ask her how she feels about paying half of a housekeeper. Get some quotes prior. That puts a dollars and cents number on the value of your time and effort.

 

If such conversations remain contentious, I'd have no issue going back solo. Hope you don't have a multi-year lease or something like that.

 

See part of me thinks that because I'm not working as many hours at the moment she is thinking I had more free time so should be taking care of more duties. But at the same time my benefits cover the rent, and tax and bills/food are even split after that expenses wise, and I don't ask for any money from her. It's a rolling contract, and it's furnished with all my stuff so it's all secure in that sense.

 

If you think she would neglect the cat, take the cat and go on vacation for a month without her. Otherwise, leave the cat and go on vacation for a month without her.

 

Vacation would be lovely, but I don't think I need one. As much as she cares for the cat and would look after it she just seems oblivious to tasks. If I don't fill up the water bowl and food when it gets empty she would probably not notice for a day. Litter is annoying, its in the bathroom and a couple of weeks ago I stopped my daily scooping to see if she would pick up the baton, wasn't done for a couple of days, was obvious to see when looked at and so I changed it at that point.

[Treasa]

Well, I meant that a month would give the house enough time to get filthy, and then maybe she'd get it and how much you do.

[Got it]

I think you have some red flags there. I hate cleaning so there are things that I will let slide that my husband is crazy about and vice versa (I detest an unmade bed!!).

 

But I also see that if he is working on chores I need to be doing so as well as we are partners not parent/child. I think having a conversation about that topic is vital for you to.

 

I think the idea of stopping and calling her bluff is going to end with you the loser as her bar seems to be exceedingly lower than yours. I have tried that in other areas and it has never been successful for me and the person didn't suddenly have a lightbulb moment.

 

I think laying out that we need equal distribution of chores and how do you want to handle it may help open the dialogue. And if she takes the "best defense is a good offense" you have to look at her conflict resolution style and decide if this is a good partner for you.

 

The not caring for the pet is a HUGE red flag for me, they are sustaining solely on the care of their owners and can't be forgot. That shows a lack of empathy that is disturbing for me.

[JohnM]

I see, that was kind of what I was hoping to get across by leaving the bin, litter, washing and ironing this week. To show how it mounts up and how untidy the flat becomes when I'm not whittling away at it.

 

I mean she does do some chores and will hoover and help tidy up and with the dishes etc, but in comparison its like 10% of the total.

[JohnM]

I think you have some red flags there. I hate cleaning so there are things that I will let slide that my husband is crazy about and vice versa (I detest an unmade bed!!).

 

I think the idea of stopping and calling her bluff is going to end with you the loser as her bar seems to be exceedingly lower than yours. I have tried that in other areas and it has never been successful for me and the person didn't suddenly have a lightbulb moment.

 

I think laying out that we need equal distribution of chores and how do you want to handle it may help open the dialogue. And if she takes the "best defense is a good offense" you have to look at her conflict resolution style and decide if this is a good partner for you.

 

The not caring for the pet is a HUGE red flag for me, they are sustaining solely on the care of their owners and can't be forgot. That shows a lack of empathy that is disturbing for me.

 

Well, I can understand if a task is one hated, but in my head they're all tasks that no-one wants to do of choice and so its fair to both take a turn. Yeah, I don't think leaving the place into a state of disrepair is going to work. Even if it did get to a critical state each time and then we worked to clear it all up I don't like piles of washing up and laundry sitting around for weeks.

 

Should I state that I feel I am doing a larger share of the work, or simply state that I think we need to divide up the chores evenly and stick to it? Will it essentially be implied by me bringing up the need at any rate I wonder?

 

I think the thing with the cat is similar to the other issues really, because I get up and top up the bowls each day and maintain the litter I just don't think it enters her head to do it. It's like if the bed made itself every day once you left the room you wouldn't think about doing it as you know it would be there when you next looked.

[M30USA]

Sounds like she had parents who didn't teach her the right lessons about personal responsibility and taking care of her own messes.

[carhill]

I remember an anecdote from a wife who complained that her husband wouldn't do chores around the house and was forever dropping his clothes wherever, instead of putting them in the hamper/laundry. Finally, she started tossing his clothes found on the floor into an empty closest. When the husband ran out of clothes, he would go to the closet, rummage around in the pile and find something and put it on, completely unfazed. The wife's name was Glennis Dickhouse. You'll see her name on the front of the X1 rocket plane at the Smithsonian Air and Space museum. She was Chuck Yeager's wife.

 

I guess the lesson is one decides what battles they pick to be important. Up to you. Everyone is different. Good luck.

[tbf]

Why not be clear with her? Start with cooking and washing. Tell her that if you cook, it's her job to do the dishes. Once dinner's finished, go out and work out so you can mitigate the stress.

 

If she continues in this vein of being a lazy sack, punt her out the door. I'm not kidding. A significant other is a partner, not a lazy child.

[M30USA]

Why not be clear with her? Start with cooking and washing. Tell her that if you cook, it's her job to do the dishes. Once dinner's finished, go out and work out so you can mitigate the stress.

 

If she continues in this vein of being a lazy sack, punt her out the door. I'm not kidding. A significant other is a partner, not a lazy child.

 

If she's anything like my ex, you can't even mention how you feel about this issue without her throwing a fit.

[tbf]

If she's anything like my ex, you can't even mention how you feel about this issue without her throwing a fit.

That's why you punt someone like that out the door, sooner rather than later.

[carhill]

OP, IMO it's not so much that your styles are different, rather that apparently it's exceedingly difficult to communicate and find middle ground on this.

 

TBF's post causes me to ask you a question: What do you fear? I dealt with some of this in my M and I know exactly what my fear was, but that's not relevant to you. You're not married. You apparently own the lease, pay for it and have furnished the domicile. What's your fear?

[MissBee]

I had a look through older threads and was going to post in another similar recent one but that's gone on long enough to be bringing new stuff to the table...

 

So, since we have moved in together (About a year and a half ago) I have been doing the majority of the household chores. I like to keep on top of things when I can and keep the place tidy, don't mind leaving laundry to build up a few days before blitzing it.

 

I'm getting a bit sick of it now though, I do the majority of cooking yet still end up doing the washing up too. She goes through a hell of a lot of clothes per week and more often than not just dumps them on the bedroom floor or in the bathroom or living room when she takes them off. Does my head in having to collect it all in and 'testing' whether it needs to go in the wash or not.

 

Don't believe she has once cleaned any of the bathroom and I cleanup and maintain the cat litter every week and change it. I tried to kind of impose a splitting of the tasks by when I had done all the washing I would put the clothes away that I could and then leave a tub of ironing that needed doing. Alas, I end up doing it anyhow.

 

This month I left the washing and it mounted up to about eight loads worth before she put in one black wash. I put that on to dry and one week later that washing is still piled in the washing basket. She did about 20% of that pile of ironing before I had to sort it. It's not like these tasks were there to do for only a day or two. They were there for about two weeks without her taking to them of her own accord.

 

The tasks just seem to mount up and I'm getting fed up of always taking the bins out etc. How have you all dealt with dividing up the tasks fairly? I had considered a chart of tasks but I don't think it would be kept to. I am considering asking her if she would be open to taking tasks or areas of the house as ours each to look after. Such as I would handle laundry and ironing and emptying the bins, she could do the kitchen and bathroom cleaning. Split the cat duties and hoovering?

 

Dunno, I just feel it could cause a massive fight if it's not brought up and dealt with correctly so want to gauge opinions and advice please loveshackers!

 

Is this a roommate or a gf?

 

Even with a roommate, I've generally discussed up front my expectation and theirs and how we'll go forward.

 

I think before living with anyone, you should discuss your living styles and come up with each of your needs/likes/wants/hates/compromises and try to live in a way that suits you both.

 

You should feel comfortable bringing this up if she is your SO though. When not upset, while driving together, or even doing some other activity, casually tell her you've been feeling a bit resentful/upset and like you've been doing most of the chores and that you think it would be a good idea to divide them evenly so that it doesn't become a sore spot later.

[AccF428]

I had a similar albeit less worse situation to deal with. My partner was not cleaning after herself, and everywhere she went was a mess.

 

My suggestion to you is this:

 

1. Sit down and explain the situation to her. Communication is necessary in every situation, and it is better to have said that you shared your concerns with her than to let it build up slowly on the inside and explode later on. Then, you see how she responds, and if it goes well, continue to monitor the situation and remind her when necessary. It is important to note that if these are habits of hers, while she may express a desire to break them, she will need help in doing so. Habits are not easy to break.

 

2. If 1 doesn't work, begin dividing areas of responsibility. With whatever structure you begin to build, it needs to be laid out clearly and communicated effectively. You also need to adhere to it. You would also probably need your own "safe zone" where you can safely maintain your own clean area in the house. Set the example you wish for her to follow, and hopefully you see change.

 

For me, structure and communication helped a lot. Our House is in perfect order after months of chaotic living. I hope this works for you.

[CC12]

True, I can't tell if it will, but I expect she could go on the defensive when I essentially state that she is not doing her fair share.

 

Then don't bring it up like that. Don't make accusations or recite a list of all the chores you do and all the things she doesn't. Employ some tact.

 

How about telling her, "Hey, I'd like to get this place cleaned up really nice. Let's spend this Saturday doing a Spring Cleaning. I'd like to get the laundry room and [other problem area] organized. You up for it?"

 

And then during or after cleaning, you can gush about how great it feels to have a clean space and that you'd really love to keep it more like this from now on and "How should we divvy up chores? "

 

Just keep it positive. You can't really 'get mad' at her, because you've never (really? never?) tried to talk to her about it before. She probably has no idea that you get annoyed when she dumps her clothes on the floor, etc. Some people are comfortable with clothes on the floor and sinks full of dishes and litter boxes full of cat****. She's one of those people. You are not. It's a thing you two need to work on. Don't start it out with a fight.

[Eve]

I say talk things through. Find out if she really does expect you to do more because you have more time. That seems to be the bottom line.

 

When I worked part time I did more because I had more time. In my mind it was about working together. I didn't mind until my H pulled the cute card and didn't do a single thing to help. It was so patronising. Basically he acted as though I was a 'good wife' for taking care off him and he did not have to do anymore than simply be cute. That was our first fall out and he had to change otherwise I would have walked. Actually I found myself somewhere to live the very next day..

 

So talk things through but don't over compensate for the other person as often people take the piss if the boundaries are not clear. If she really hates chores then maybe she could pay for a cleaner? I am sure someone would appreciate the extra income.

 

Talk things through.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[JohnM]

Well I brought it up, and she recognised that she has been slacking. She tried to bring up the doing more hours bit and I stated that I believe the work done in the house should be kept separate. I understand I have extra time for doing chores but that doesn't mean I want to fill it with them alone rather than things I wish to be doing.

 

I'll be doing the laundry and ironing as well as the litter and hoovering. She has said she will do the washing up, emptying the bin, kitchen area. Don't think she really understands the concept of cleaning the oven and surfaces, or bath/sinks floors though as she has yet to do them but I have left her to it and have kept on top of my own.

 

I'll see how it goes for a couple of weeks, I expect she is going to drift and not clean the kitchen and bathroom so that may be another discussion waiting to happen.

[FitChick]

If she goes back to her slovenly ways, you should tell her that from now on, since you are doing so much of the other chores, her own clothes are her responsibility. No washing or ironing. She can take them to the dry cleaners or pay for outside laundry herself. If she leaves them in a pile on the floor, buy a cheap wicker basket and throw them in there so you won't have to look at them.

 

Buy paper plates and plastic cups if she won't do the washing up. Have a friend or relative take the real ones so she doesn't use them and not wash them.

 

You want to avoid bugs and vermin infesting your house so some things you will absolutely need to do yourself.

 

Otherwise, divide the chores into what a cleaner could do and let those be her chores to do herself or pay a cleaner herself. You do the other half of the chores.

[tbf]

Well I brought it up, and she recognised that she has been slacking. She tried to bring up the doing more hours bit and I stated that I believe the work done in the house should be kept separate. I understand I have extra time for doing chores but that doesn't mean I want to fill it with them alone rather than things I wish to be doing.

 

I'll be doing the laundry and ironing as well as the litter and hoovering. She has said she will do the washing up, emptying the bin, kitchen area. Don't think she really understands the concept of cleaning the oven and surfaces, or bath/sinks floors though as she has yet to do them but I have left her to it and have kept on top of my own.

 

I'll see how it goes for a couple of weeks, I expect she is going to drift and not clean the kitchen and bathroom so that may be another discussion waiting to happen.

Notice how you're setting her up to fail by raising the bar? You've initially addressed her slacking and discussed this with her, where she's agreed to a split of the chores. This is good. But notice how you've now raised the bar with not only what she does but your expectations of level of cleanliness and are cutting her abilities down?

 

If you wish her to fail because you don't want to live with her, then push her out now. Otherwise, no more second-guessing or bar raising unless you're prepared to set the bar with honest and open communications, so she's aware of your exact requirements.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Communication.

 

 

 

 

With how long you guys have lived together it is shocking to me that a "talk" never came up about expectations of living together.

 

 

When the boyfriend and I officially moved in together, we had a sit down about our expectations. We both contribute, I am not working, and therefore a core of the housework is something I take care of, granted I have my moments of laziness, he has no qualms about helping every once in a while. His chores tend to be laundry and taking the trash out, while I do most of the cooking and cleaning.

 

Communication is key, and compromise is everything.

We got in a tiff the other day about finances, he felt he was spending more than me in household things and so what did I come up with? A receipt jar, anytime one of us buys things for US, such as TP or food, we put the receipt in the jar and at the end of the month split the bill.

 

If he had come to me sooner the feeling of me not paying as much would have never happened, luckily he didn't let it build up and explode.

 

 

 

 

Have a sit down, discuss to her how you feel and ask her how she feels chores should be split.

[Eve]

Well I brought it up, and she recognised that she has been slacking. She tried to bring up the doing more hours bit and I stated that I believe the work done in the house should be kept separate. I understand I have extra time for doing chores but that doesn't mean I want to fill it with them alone rather than things I wish to be doing.

 

I'll be doing the laundry and ironing as well as the litter and hoovering. She has said she will do the washing up, emptying the bin, kitchen area. Don't think she really understands the concept of cleaning the oven and surfaces, or bath/sinks floors though as she has yet to do them but I have left her to it and have kept on top of my own.

 

I'll see how it goes for a couple of weeks, I expect she is going to drift and not clean the kitchen and bathroom so that may be another discussion waiting to happen.

 

Hey, hope it works out and you two don't fall out over this. Can you accept that she hates doing certain things? I say this because my H hates cleaning the bathroom. That would be a fate worse than death for him. I conceded on that because I don't mind cleaning the bathrooms. I even do the bathrooms that belong to the children because I know it will be properly cleaned.

 

Both be willing to concede on some points out of love. Mushy but true.

 

Take care,

Eve x