Goodbye Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I think I'm doing better today. My mum knows something has been up for weeks, and I finally told her last night about it all. She was SO good about it..told me that I didn't have to feel guilty, and that she was so proud of the way I handled things and how I put others ahead of myself. I think it really helped. Its great to have an understanding mom! I called my 79 year old mom today in tears about my exMM. She hadn't known what was going on, but she knew him from many years ago. I needed to tell someone about his wife's comment that "she (me) will never get her boozy ass near my son." I have been sober for three years, and have in fact, never consumed any alcohol around her...this shocked me that she'd throw that in the mix, but yeah... Moms are the best. 1
Athens Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Everyone involved has bad days, push on. Can I ask, what were the expectations when you entered the affair? Did he tell you he would leave his wife? I ask because our OW seems to be getting worse, not better. From her messages it clear my H told her how it would end, but she never thought it would end so she never thought about it. Is this common, to disregard this info and set yourself up for hurt, or is it something else...why do people put themselves in this position? I asked my H and he said he was low and needed someone to use and she was there, not a particularly attractive quality in my H and I am working through it.
Goodbye Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Everyone involved has bad days, push on. Can I ask, what were the expectations when you entered the affair? Did he tell you he would leave his wife? I ask because our OW seems to be getting worse, not better. From her messages it clear my H told her how it would end, but she never thought it would end so she never thought about it. Is this common, to disregard this info and set yourself up for hurt, or is it something else...why do people put themselves in this position? I asked my H and he said he was low and needed someone to use and she was there, not a particularly attractive quality in my H and I am working through it. I think your question was for the OP, but thought I'd give it a stab. Yes, recovering from having someone toy with your head, intentional or not, takes a while to recover. When did your H break up with his OW? What is the OW saying that leads you to think H was straight with you? Yes, my exMM told me he would leave his wife. Still tells me this. Maybe he will.....but I doubt I'll be around, and I've let him know this. I don't know how you do it, frankly. I would find it very difficult to be with an H who said he "used" someone because he was feeling low. 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Everyone involved has bad days, push on. Can I ask, what were the expectations when you entered the affair? Did he tell you he would leave his wife? I ask because our OW seems to be getting worse, not better. From her messages it clear my H told her how it would end, but she never thought it would end so she never thought about it. Is this common, to disregard this info and set yourself up for hurt, or is it something else...why do people put themselves in this position? I asked my H and he said he was low and needed someone to use and she was there, not a particularly attractive quality in my H and I am working through it. Honestly there were no expectations. We really and truly were just friends, no more. I wasn't even attracted to him. But as time went on we became closer and I developed a little crush. I did not tell him and it was the first time I tried to walk away. He was contacting me within 24 hours and I think I lasted NC 3 days. I still didn't tell him. I thought I was alone in my crush and I would have taken it to the grave. When we started talking again the conversations became deeper and we revealed we were both BS's. I think that's when the boundaries started to cross. We started talking about those feelings and he told me that I had become his best friend and he felt I was a kindred spirit. When he admitted that he felt more than friendship for me I walked away again... I even left the state for a couple if weeks to sort things out. I maintained NC for about a month. When I got back he actively pursued me. It got so hard to fight. He told me he loved me more than anyone he ever met. The affair never became physical but I am fairly certain it would have eventually had dday not happened. It wasn't until about a week or so before Dday that he started talking about leaving his wife. The first time he said it (yes he said it more than once) I asked him if he was sure he wanted to do that since there was a child involved. Then dday happened. I went away quickly, quietly with no drama and never contacted him again. He reached out to me about a week later. I ignored it. Then another time about 2 weeks after that and I didn't respond. Last time I got a breadcrumb was about a month ago and I didn't respond. I have since heard that he has another OW. I truly miss the friendship I had with him. I really don't know if that helps as there were no promises or expectations. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) Everyone involved has bad days, push on. Can I ask, what were the expectations when you entered the affair? Did he tell you he would leave his wife? I ask because our OW seems to be getting worse, not better. From her messages it clear my H told her how it would end, but she never thought it would end so she never thought about it. Is this common, to disregard this info and set yourself up for hurt, or is it something else...why do people put themselves in this position? I asked my H and he said he was low and needed someone to use and she was there, not a particularly attractive quality in my H and I am working through it. Well we were good friends (best friends) before the physical part of the affair. I don't know really but I will tell you this. There was one time about a month after the affair started that my husband suspected and we had a big fight and of course I denied it. But I of course was making my case as to why I couldn't give xom up and how important he was to me. My husband said "he'll never choose you". When i told xom that he said "he doesn't know what I will choose". So that gave me hope but when I pressed him about what his choice would be he "didn't want to go into all of the scenarios". Shoulda had a clue then. About one month prior to the last dday I wrote him a letter saying that I wanted to cut it off. It was really killing me not being able to be with him and I loved him so much. So I wanted to separate and start the healing. He wrote me back and begged me to stay and told me that no matter what, if it blew up he would be right by my side walking through it with me. He begged me to not give up what we had together. So I said I would stay knowing full well that if it blew I would be standing by myself and that is EXACTLY what happened. He ran. So I believed him when he said he would "walk through it with me and we would face it together". This is why ow have such a hard time. Empty promises made. I think that generally the man is the issue here. He is talking about of both sides of his mouth and because I have been bot the ow and the bs I get to see it from the om's side. I saw my husband trickle truth me and I am certain I still do not know everything that happened or the promises he might have made to her. So I am quite certain that my xom has not told his bs everything either or he has made it up. I'm sorry - these situations are just all f@@@ed up. Edited May 1, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong 1
Athens Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 First of all ladies, thank you for your honesty and for taking my question just as it was intended-not as an insult but as a question- For us, the OWs messages say things like "I knew you always loved (*)(, but did I did not think it would be so hard to walk away" or "I know I promised to not do this but....." Right after Dday she seemed fine when I talked to her and said it was casual for both of them and she knew it would end the way it did- Since then, she has lost her mind so it seems and I am trying to figure out why-my H said its a temper tantrum for not getting her way and "losing" some competition with me that was in her head- I see it a bit differently- from talking with him it seems her marriage is pretty disconnected and there is not much there-she broke it off with my H a few times saying she wanted more but always came back and said she was OK with what they had as she did not want to leave her H no matter what-it also seems she was overly interested in our life-our ski house and weekend trips, how we did things as a family, etc...she told him she envied the friendship he and I have in our marriage (which BTW makes the fact he cheated even more puzzling, but thats a whole other Oprah) it seems there were so many signs that were ignored- for him it was because she filled a need and he used her (again, not a pretty attribute in my H) but for her, I do not get it-she seems bright and capable, why settle-I feel like an unhappy marriage is compounded by an A where you want more than what you could possibly get from it- I do not know why anyone would put themselves through that-
Athens Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Goodbye- on the how can I be with someone that used someone like that, yes, its difficult but you know I am working through that-if you think about it affairs are usually between damaged people- no one comes out unscathed and in their case it was two very insecure, damaged people on a collision course- I love and care for him deeply- for better or for worse means just that-I am sure you have had relationships with people with some not so great qualities-we all have-his acknowledging this is a big help- I guess I would ask why would anyone get involved with a MM, he is by definition a liar and a cheat but people do it all the time-go figure
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) First of all ladies, thank you for your honesty and for taking my question just as it was intended-not as an insult but as a question- For us, the OWs messages say things like "I knew you always loved (*)(, but did I did not think it would be so hard to walk away" or "I know I promised to not do this but....." Right after Dday she seemed fine when I talked to her and said it was casual for both of them and she knew it would end the way it did- Since then, she has lost her mind so it seems and I am trying to figure out why-my H said its a temper tantrum for not getting her way and "losing" some competition with me that was in her head- I see it a bit differently- from talking with him it seems her marriage is pretty disconnected and there is not much there-she broke it off with my H a few times saying she wanted more but always came back and said she was OK with what they had as she did not want to leave her H no matter what-it also seems she was overly interested in our life-our ski house and weekend trips, how we did things as a family, etc...she told him she envied the friendship he and I have in our marriage (which BTW makes the fact he cheated even more puzzling, but thats a whole other Oprah) it seems there were so many signs that were ignored- for him it was because she filled a need and he used her (again, not a pretty attribute in my H) but for her, I do not get it-she seems bright and capable, why settle-I feel like an unhappy marriage is compounded by an A where you want more than what you could possibly get from it- I do not know why anyone would put themselves through that- Well this much I know about men - they are hunters. They like to pursue. So when the ow starts to back off they pursue even harder. It's a conquest. I would imagine that she backed off and was okay for awhile because she thought eventually he would come back. When that did not happen reality started to set in that he really wasn't coming back. In my case I married very young and although I loved (love) my husband, he and his family were a vehicle to get out of my bad family situation at home (my parents had a bad marriage and my dad stayed for us kids for 10 years longer than he should have - my siblings and I wish he would have left while we were young - it would have been better for all of us). His family was stable and safe. I was also sexually abused as a child. So I married, supported my husband while he pursued his career, had kids, etc and then felt empty - maybe for things missed out on when I was young and lost opportunities, etc. My xom had parents that stayed together but had some difficult financial situations while he was young and also he admitted to me that he was abused by a man while a young boy. He went to college and had bad dating experiences, he was a smart geek in high school but was mouthy and for that reason was constantly put in trash cans by athletes in school, he never "got the girl". I (am saying this humbly) am very attractive, had status in the community, I am outgoing, fun to be with, talented, had great parties at my house - people like to be with me. He admittedly had me on a pedestal and could not believe I was interested in him - he would always pinch me and say "are you real?" One time while we were dancing he asked if I would have gone to prom with him and I said yes I would have (I am older than he is by a few years). I think he was incredulous that I loved him as much as I did. I believe he loves his wife but he "settled" (this he admitted to me and to my middle daughter and pretty much admitted it at his wedding - we were there). He married because she was a good fit in his family and the families were connected and it was the right thing to do. So yes - two broken people loving each other and very connected and "got each other". But when the rubber met the road it wasn't enough. All that to say much of what you are saying is very true. In a different life I think we could have really made a go of it. But I truly believe that this experience was a wake up call for both of us - what do we really want out of life? How do we fix what is broken? And it has to be us individually that "fixes" ourselves - we can't fix each other - we magnified the brokenness in each other although there was so much pain surrounding it all (still is) i will be forever grateful to him and I believe he is grateful to me as well because from what I know about what he is doing now he is doing some things he probably never would have done if it hadn't been for our affair and he had stayed here. I know that's strange but its true. Life is interesting - we still don't know where it will all end... Edited May 1, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong 1
Athens Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Little miss, great post, I am asking this kindly, so please do not take it wrong...do you feel like you have settled with what life has thrown at you or do you feel like you are making the best of your situation? Do you feel vulnerable to another affair? I am wondering if people go back to a less than ideal situation if they are settling or making the best of what they have. Our OW is a serial cheater and in some ways I feel like she will continue the pattern. In a selfish way that's good for us because then she will not intrude any longer, but on a human level, that's just kind of sad if you think about it, continuing to ignore what's wrong in your life and setting yourself up to be hurt again and again.
BrokenPrincess Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I'm glad to hear you both were able to find some support IRL with your moms. When I finally tried IC after a couple months of NC, I thought it helped to finally say things out loud to a real person. During NC, I definitely had more bad days than indifferent ones and only a few that Id say were good, although the years were much more infrequent after the first month. BUT, one thing I've learned is that you never know what might give you a trigger. Last night I was watching Teen Mom (ugh) and one of the young girls was getting married and despite all logic, I started crying hysterically because the young groom was so freaking happy to be marrying her, and my MM doesn't even say he loves me and was probably home in bed with his wife at that very moment.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Little miss, great post, I am asking this kindly, so please do not take it wrong...do you feel like you have settled with what life has thrown at you or do you feel like you are making the best of your situation? Do you feel vulnerable to another affair? I am wondering if people go back to a less than ideal situation if they are settling or making the best of what they have. Our OW is a serial cheater and in some ways I feel like she will continue the pattern. In a selfish way that's good for us because then she will not intrude any longer, but on a human level, that's just kind of sad if you think about it, continuing to ignore what's wrong in your life and setting yourself up to be hurt again and again. I am not sure really. I think (hope) I am making the best of my situation. My children are here for a purpose (children are ALWAYS here for a purpose). They are bright, intelligent and talented and it took my husband and I to create them - so I know we were brought together for a reason. And as to whether I am vulnerable to another affair? I sure hope not. I do not want to EVER be in that situation again. Way too painful. I allowed myself to get close to and fall in love with another man. I let my walls down (and they were high and long and thick - and he knew it - in fact one of the songs he "gave" me was "The walls come tumbling down") and allowed him in. I have never done that with anyone. Actually I haven't truly done it with my own husband. That is really what hurts the most - that I allowed him to penetrate the walls and xom took pride in being able to do that and then he left me on the ground in a heap. God willing, I will never allow that to happen again. I am not a serial cheater - I don't get attached to people easily - that's what makes this so difficult and what makes his "betrayal" ( I use this term with trepidation) so hurtful. Also he claimed my husband was one of his best friends. My husband is very hurt over that part of it at all and my xom never apologized to him. He just vanished. And unfortunately his BS has been quite vindictive toward my family (I can understand me, but not my husband and my kids) so it's obvious by her behavior she is still threatened some 3 years later. But their kids are small - it's hard to tell what the future will bring unless they really have recovered and created something new and different than their marriage was before the affair. It's a difficult road, but as I have already stated, I see if from both sides because I am a BS as well, so I watch my husband and how he has dealt with the fallout from his affair (even though his wasn't public) and I know how men compartmentalize. They are far more capable of doing that than women are. I will always believe my xom loves me and will always love me. I think my husband loved his ow - I won't ever believe otherwise. My husband is a good man, but he was hurt by my betrayal and I was so lost during that time I was emotionally unavailable and he sought comfort and this woman was able to give it to him at a time I could not. My husband isn't a man who just uses women - he has more respect for women than that, so I know it wasn't just about sex (although he has tried to make me think it was). It's just very hard when someone has been such an integral part of your life, like my xom was, and then it's completely ripped away. It's a death. Some days I just wish we could all sit down and really talk and put it all behind us, agree it wasn't a smart move and be friends again. But that's probably a pipe dream. 2
Goodbye Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Goodbye- on the how can I be with someone that used someone like that, yes, its difficult but you know I am working through that-if you think about it affairs are usually between damaged people- no one comes out unscathed and in their case it was two very insecure, damaged people on a collision course- I love and care for him deeply- for better or for worse means just that-I am sure you have had relationships with people with some not so great qualities-we all have-his acknowledging this is a big help- I guess I would ask why would anyone get involved with a MM, he is by definition a liar and a cheat but people do it all the time-go figure Athens, no doubt. I was looking at the "feeling dirty" thread on the infidelity forum. When I figured out that the lies were going both ways, I did feel "dirty," and I'd certainly feel that way about my H (if I had one). About "why" and OW would get into a relationship with a MM...I think most of us by accident. The "perfect storm" of loneliness, stupidity, low esteem and friendship gone too far seems to define most our "slippery slope" entries into affair.
Athens Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Little miss, I am sorry to hear about your kids, I believe kids of any age to be off limits, period. You had an interesting idea about all sitting down. I wondered that as well, and my husband suggested it as a way to finally end the intrusions, but I feel like for that to work, everyone needs to have the same goal, healing and moving on. Seems that in both our situations that is not the case and so a sit down would only prolong the drama. One of my current favorite songs has a line that says....every storm runs out of rain. That is my hope, that the OWs intrusions will eventually end. The other song I love is She loves me like Jesus does....I am not particularly religious but I like the sentiment. I hope your situation improves. Good luck and keep you mind on what matters.
RickFox Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 I'm struggling big time and it was 3 years today we last spoke. I suppose I was hoping that maybe he would reach out and contact me in some way - it's hell. I just sometimes wonder why I was so stupid. You ain't the only one wondering that about ourselves young lady, trust me on that.
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