DelusionalOne Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 OMG.... I feel awful today!!! Nothing happened No triggers But I feel like the same way I did in the first week of NC. I have more than enough to keep me busy today but I feel like I can't function! I feel like I'm ready to burst into tears! This SUCKS!
Praying4Peace Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Think about it. Something must have led to it. How long have you been NC? Is it perhaps a post on here, or the weather? The weather where I am finally feels like Spring and that's bringing back some memories from last year. I hope you feel better, one day at a time.
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Been NC 3 months today. Nothing I can think of is coming to mind. I've been fine mostly. No "anniversary" trigger from last year. I don't know... I know I just feel so incredibly sad.
whichwayisup Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Then let yourself burst into tears. It's okay to have some bad days.. Your heart is still hurting and needs to let out pain - Let it out, that's the only way to rid of what you're feeling through tears. Hope tomorrow is a better day. 3
Summer Breeze Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 It's natural DO. I left the A under my own steam and I knew what I did was right. I imposed the NC and it still had times when it drove me crazy. I had times when I felt like a heartsick teenager. Time helps. You're doing good, keep at it. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 It's still very early. I understand what you mean though. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and blindsides you. Unfortunately my 3 year anniversary of the last time we spoke is tomorrow - so I'm sure that's the reason for my melancholy state of mind... 1
Goodbye Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I had one of those days yesterday and DID email. He called me and we talked for a while. I sobbed and sobbed. He sent me a guilt ridden email, but in reality...nothing has changed. I will go forward with NC. I'm just still grieving and getting closure. It sucks. Metal chick...I know you mentioned that coming to this site may be contributing to your sadness? I wonder that as well. Sometimes it is a place of solace and sometimes it just keeps me stuck. I don't know. Delusional...hope tomorrow is better.
ViresSanctity Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I think your affair partners will always somehow be apart you. It may be an aspect of who we are that reminds us. No need for triggers. 2
Praying4Peace Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I had one of those days yesterday and DID email. He called me and we talked for a while. I sobbed and sobbed. He sent me a guilt ridden email, but in reality...nothing has changed. I will go forward with NC. I'm just still grieving and getting closure. It sucks. Metal chick...I know you mentioned that coming to this site may be contributing to your sadness? I wonder that as well. Sometimes it is a place of solace and sometimes it just keeps me stuck. I don't know. Delusional...hope tomorrow is better. Hi Goodbye. I'm so sorry you were crying so much yesterday. ((HUGS)) to you. Was the guilt that he was spewing directed at you (I can't believe I'm hurting you!) or his W? If its towards you- don't take it. Just don't. You don't want anyone to love you or care for you because they feel sorry for you. Pity is not love. Coming to this site upsets me and then it allows things to click and then upsets me again...I think its part of healing to have those ups and downs. Oh well- at least on this thread we get to hear about VS's life *grabs popcorn*. Don't forget us VS! And make sure that you do NOT change your expectations and that she knows this even if you don't discuss it all night long (wooohooo). 1
Goodbye Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Hi Goodbye. I'm so sorry you were crying so much yesterday. ((HUGS)) to you. Was the guilt that he was spewing directed at you (I can't believe I'm hurting you!) or his W? If its towards you- don't take it. Just don't. You don't want anyone to love you or care for you because they feel sorry for you. Pity is not love. Coming to this site upsets me and then it allows things to click and then upsets me again...I think its part of healing to have those ups and downs. Oh well- at least on this thread we get to hear about VS's life *grabs popcorn*. Don't forget us VS! And make sure that you do NOT change your expectations and that she knows this even if you don't discuss it all night long (wooohooo). Guilt, allegedly, for hurting me. I think he is just sad all around. Whatever. He is still telling me he is going to figure out his life and come and find me. I doubt that seriously, so I told him to leave me alone. I hung up on him...mostly because I was done, and he sent me some crap email about how he hopes I believe how much he loves me, blah blah blah. The WORST part about all of this is that now I hear really amazing words like LOVE and FOREVER, and it just makes me want to puke because they are empty words. Empty. 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 @Goodbye, yeah, I wonder if this might be forcing me to dwell ... I'm starting to wonder if it's the same for me.
Goodbye Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I don't want to turn into one of those bitter posters who has been here since 2008 and still talking about their trauma! Sigh. Delusional....you feeling any better? 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 I don't want to turn into one of those bitter posters who has been here since 2008 and still talking about their trauma! Sigh. Delusional....you feeling any better? I wish I was I'm just a fricken mess today and I don't know why. I was practically hysterical on the way home from work today. Ugh!! I guess ZERO option of contacting him is at least a saving grace... I won't humiliate myself in front of him... ... I'm saving that for all of you. :-/ 2
tryingto Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I feel like I've backslid today also... I had been doing so much better. I did have a trigger but I'm with the rest of you... wishing it would just stop already. I just keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better. I hope it's better for all of us who had a difficult day today. 1
RickFox Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Y'all just need to understand how cyclical the emotions can and will be and stop thinking that just because your XYZ along in the process that you can't have an emotional relapse. If you accept that it is par for the course along the way, you will recover that much faster.... Emotions, feelings, and the like, they don't just disappear simply because there is no more contact...well they don't for those who truly did involve themselves for 'legit' reasons. 3
ilovememore Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I've lost track of how long I've been NC, but probably 5 or 6 wks by now Two weeks ago, I probably knew exactly (to the minute) when we last communicated. My point is that, while it's one of the hardest things I've ever experienced, it gets better step by step. I just keep moving: exercise, friends, gardening, house hunting, working, golfing, doing anything I want. In the process, I forced myself to (a) stay active; (b) work on figuring out why I would even give such a user loser the time of day, let alone (what felt like) my heart; and © open myself up to new people and new experiences (where before I wanted the "security" (ha!) of a relationship and shied away from engaging with the world). In the process, I lost track of time and started to find a little piece of myself. I like the feeling so much (what a change) that I am actually excited about my life for a change. Give it a whirl, if you haven't done so already. I hope that it'll give you a reprieve from your pain so you can start to love you more. Good Luck!
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Metal_chick, Goodbye, lilmisscantbewrong and Tryingto... How are you all doing today? 1
Praying4Peace Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Today was definitely a backsliding day for me. My D was official this morning. To get to court I had to drive though the scene of the crime. Past all the restaurants and parking lots and old job and street with his house. I kinda didn't give a crap about him today. Just felt sad. Reality.
Praying4Peace Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Y'all just need to understand how cyclical the emotions can and will be and stop thinking that just because your XYZ along in the process that you can't have an emotional relapse. If you accept that it is par for the course along the way, you will recover that much faster.... Emotions, feelings, and the like, they don't just disappear simply because there is no more contact...well they don't for those who truly did involve themselves for 'legit' reasons. RickFox- since you're so far out (comparatively speaking) what types of things cause your emotional relapses? A bad day with your spouse, random dreams, time of the year? Just wondering what i have to look forward to... I think I'll stop trying to make it disappear and focus on managing it and replacing it with other types of happiness. I've been trying to hard to eradicate it with anger and other things. I'm sure that'll come in time when I think of him and his happily ever after.
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Today was definitely a backsliding day for me. My D was official this morning. To get to court I had to drive though the scene of the crime. Past all the restaurants and parking lots and old job and street with his house. I kinda didn't give a crap about him today. Just felt sad. Reality. I'm so sorry you are so sad today... It truly sucks!
RickFox Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 RickFox- since you're so far out (comparatively speaking) what types of things cause your emotional relapses? A bad day with your spouse, random dreams, time of the year? Just wondering what i have to look forward to... I think I'll stop trying to make it disappear and focus on managing it and replacing it with other types of happiness. I've been trying to hard to eradicate it with anger and other things. I'm sure that'll come in time when I think of him and his happily ever after. That's the thing, it can be anything. Time of year may be number one on my list. I get really pissy/moody around this time of year as we were full bore and I was head over heels and then upon our discovery, she turned her back on me and distanced herself so it all culminates from now until July. I mean for me, damn near everything around here can be a trigger, our kids school, going to Target, Starbucks, any place she and I went together. The thing is, the images, they lessen, the dreams, they lessen, the thoughts, they lessen. It is cliche' but it just takes time....time time time. If I focus I can remember it all and bring back all the feelings but I don't do that to myself. You will NEVER...say it with me NEVER, stop your memories, they are burned in place but you can control how you want to think, whether of him/her or somethign else and it takes time to make new memories that help overshadow those that cause you pain. Anger ...man I know all about that, still have bouts of it, but it, like love is so close to connecting with that other person, an emotion of attachment..use it but learn to let it go slowly as it's not hurting them. You want revenge, live life well, live it like they weren't in it, just live. I haven't reached indifference, Ive got some of that there stuff, but not all the way and there will come a time where I'll just say, oh well, Im glad she's doing fine.... but for the most part, I've learned to no longer care as it does no good. I can't care where she is, what she's doing, how her life is, if she has another AP, I refuse to, these are my thoughts and my emotions and for the most part, I control where they go and if they go where I don't want them, I have learned to take them back to where I do want them. There are many members here who helped me both in virutal public and behind closed door and a big shout out to Circular, without him, I might not have healed as fast as I have.... and it hasn't been fast enough. I will say this, men and women's minds, so different so take what I say at face value, I make no promises other than TIME heals it all...doesn't heal the scars, but does heal. Bottom line, understand there will be days like you've had, and there will be weeks of goodness, and the good will outweigh the bad as time goes on and on. 3
Goodbye Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Metal_chick, Goodbye, lilmisscantbewrong and Tryingto... How are you all doing today? Delusional, I had a really busy day in court, which sucked, but did keep my mind off of the exMM. So, that is good. Tomorrow will be more of the same. I'm feeling alright at the moment. I'm still stung by some words of the BS via the exMM. Whatever...I expect it, but I didn't really need it now. You doing ok?
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Delusional, I had a really busy day in court, which sucked, but did keep my mind off of the exMM. So, that is good. Tomorrow will be more of the same. I'm feeling alright at the moment. I'm still stung by some words of the BS via the exMM. Whatever...I expect it, but I didn't really need it now. You doing ok? Better than I was yesterday. Not 100%. I vacillate between sad and angry today. But it was a busy day for me too so I didn't have too much time to dwell.
tryingto Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Delusional, Thanks for checking in on all of us and I am glad to see you are doing a little better today! Today was a better day for me. Felt more like I have recently with the exception of yesterday. Still not indifferent but trying to move towards it. I know I will have better days and not so good days... Hopefully tomorrow will be even better than today for all of us!
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I'm struggling big time and it was 3 years today we last spoke. I suppose I was hoping that maybe he would reach out and contact me in some way - it's hell. I just sometimes wonder why I was so stupid.
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