Second time around nightmare!

[carlos_fandango]

I got together with a gorgeous girl 2 years ago. Both of us had previous lives, both married. We've been together through thick and thin whilst both our lives have evolved. It's not been easy, both of us going through divorces for a start (hers done my still on-going)I love her truly, so much so I moved across the country to be with her.

 

Anyway the relationship has turned sour, not because of anything I've done but because of a whole load of issues caused by others indirectly.

 

I have 3 adult children and she has 1 7 year old. She knew this when we got together. When the kids found out about her they weren't happy, why? Because I hadn't told them for almost a year and secondly because their bitter mother set out on a mission to destroy our relationship and poisoned their heads telling them that I didn't care about them and this new woman was some evil person who was trying to take me away from them!!

 

Anyway, things were said, posted etc.. some not very nice. I guess it was kinda of expected but still upsetting. Sadly where as a parent will over time find away to move on because they love their kids even if they don't like what they do sometimes, my new partner can't move on, she can not forgive and can not drop what happened...

 

Secondly my ex waged a 2 year campaign turning my kids against us, my family, making up storied left right and centre to try and make it seem she was so hard done by and I was living it up when in fact I was an emotional wreck! My new partner was the target for lots of the rhetoric and she grew to hate my stbx.. so much so that the hatred of her spread out to anything that I have in common with the stbx, including my kids. She made it clear she did not want a relationship with them.

 

Then to add to this, 2 of my kids then had their own, making me a grandfather at 42. Something I didn't ask for nor did I expect for many years. I hardly see them and infact I've never seen one of them at all because of the relationship issues with my daughter. My new partner lost it and this became another issue. "grandchildren that you share with her".. etc.. My new partner felt that she'd missed out on something with me and even though I'd never ruled out having a child in the future with the new partner she became obsessed with this hatred for them seeing them as a threat to our relationship and for some reason seeing them as taking me away from her!! WHAT!

 

 

Anyway, the situation got to a point where she was asking me to make a choice, her or my kids and their families. She felt that to be with her I couldn't have a relationship of any kind with them, even if that was only seeing them a few times a year. She thought that meant she didn't come first! She thought that because my daughter and her don't talk at the moment that I also should not talk to her at all (which I don't at the moment anyway because of that...)

 

The problem is she couldn't give me a solution, I asked her what she wanted and she told me I couldn't fix it. All she sees is split loyalties and sharing me and all sorts of rubbish which simply isn't and won't be the case....

 

I've been in total despair and frustration, I've told her I love her more than life and trying to make me chose between then just isn't a normal and fair situation when my kids are not affecting us, it's her that is affecting us!

 

So this morning she's ranted again, telling me a psychologist has told her I need to set boundries and that clearly she isn't important to me because I me wanting to see my kids once in a blue moon must of course mean I don't love her!!! WHAT! I have offered her everything, the rest of my life.. a future together, a home and family and I even wanted to marry her! What does she say? Oh well two years ago you didn't have grandchildren.. if you had I wouldn't have signed up to this!

 

You don't enter a relationship with someone, then a few years down the line say, well this has come up, wasn't expecting that so sorry I'm off! If you love someone you deal with things that come up and move on together don't you?

 

So she's told me she doesn't love me anymore (although 2 days ago she loved me more than life) and that's it as far as she's concerned because she sees some imaginary future with me with babies bouncing on my knees.. their babies.. that are not a threat to her!! She threw away 2 years together and apparently the love of her life because she can't deal with my kids having families now!!! WHY!!

[BluEyeL]

I think this woman is not worth it and you should find one that is more understanding, but I suggest you both go to couples therapy. Maybe a therapist would be able to help her see a balance, right now she sounds off balance.

[ChessPieceFace]

I didn't bother reading the entire wall of text so I can only give advice on the parts that interested me.

 

First, stop having the mentality that you are blameless (saw you say "I did nothing wrong") -- as bad as your ex undoubtedly is, being blameless is almost never true and really not a helpful mentality.

 

You kept this new woman from your adult kids for a year - that alone is a slap in the face to them IMO, and a reason you are not blameless. Maybe you thought you had your reasons for keeping it a secret, maybe you did have your reasons. Still a mistake.

 

If your adult kids are actually adults, start dealing with them on an adult basis. Start being honest instead of hiding things.

 

Your ex is your ex, she's a bitter vengeful person and that's really not all that uncommon for western ex-wives. You can't control what she does, but you can do damage control. Honesty with your kids would be a good start.

 

If you like someone new, if it's a positive and good thing in your life, embrace it and let your kids know your feelings on it. Tell your side of the story. Include them in some minor group activities if possible. Let them get to know the real person instead of the lies your ex tells about your new GF. Let them know you think they're adult enough to make their own judge of someone's character without believing what their mom tells them. Reading your post, I can't believe I'm talking to a grandfather. It's time for some maturity, fast.

[xpaperxcutx]

The worst thing that a partner can do is try to come between your family and friends. It's despicable if she's resorting to giving you ultimatums and trying to separate you from your children.

 

She's playing a game she will lose. Loving someone means wanting them to be happy. She's just being selfish and trying to get things her way.

[carlos_fandango]

I didn't bother reading the entire wall of text so I can only give advice on the parts that interested me.

 

First, stop having the mentality that you are blameless (saw you say "I did nothing wrong") -- as bad as your ex undoubtedly is, being blameless is almost never true and really not a helpful mentality.

 

You kept this new woman from your adult kids for a year - that alone is a slap in the face to them IMO, and a reason you are not blameless. Maybe you thought you had your reasons for keeping it a secret, maybe you did have your reasons. Still a mistake.

 

If your adult kids are actually adults, start dealing with them on an adult basis. Start being honest instead of hiding things.

 

Your ex is your ex, she's a bitter vengeful person and that's really not all that uncommon for western ex-wives. You can't control what she does, but you can do damage control. Honesty with your kids would be a good start.

 

If you like someone new, if it's a positive and good thing in your life, embrace it and let your kids know your feelings on it. Tell your side of the story. Include them in some minor group activities if possible. Let them get to know the real person instead of the lies your ex tells about your new GF. Let them know you think they're adult enough to make their own judge of someone's character without believing what their mom tells them. Reading your post, I can't believe I'm talking to a grandfather. It's time for some maturity, fast.

 

OK, seems as always because I haven't written every minute detail and reason people will undoubtedly draw their own conclusions. Firstly I met my new partner six months after I left my wife or there abouts. Whether you decide it was right or wrong at the time I felt it wasn't right to let them know about the new relationship until I knew if it was going to last and certainly the ex was not in any mental state to deal with me "moving on". So no I didn't tell them because along with my closest friends, I felt that they weren't ready.

 

With regard to the Kids, yes they are adults, but sadly they are also under her thumb. They stayed when I went and from the start I was seen as some evil person because having tried for years to fix a relationship and it failing I decided that I wanted some happiness for the last half of my life... change never goes down well with people, especially those that are unhappy but don't have the balls to do anything about their own lives.

 

Maybe if you had reads the entire post you would have gleamed that the children have not exactly embraced her or the situation so the concept of organising happy family days I'm afraid is a non runner. Whether that ever changes I don't know, it's not my choice, I can only hope they come around to accepting the situation.

 

And with regard to your comment about maturity and being a grandfather, sorry but I've raised 3 kids, I'm a successful business man and I've dealt with more crap in my life than most people will in a lifetime.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So this morning she's ranted again, telling me a psychologist has told her I need to set boundries and that clearly she isn't important to me because I me wanting to see my kids once in a blue moon must of course mean I don't love her!!! WHAT! I have offered her everything, the rest of my life.. a future together, a home and family and I even wanted to marry her! What does she say? Oh well two years ago you didn't have grandchildren.. if you had I wouldn't have signed up to this!

 

Tell the Evil Bitch that you will cut ties with your kids if she puts her up for adoption and never talks or thinks about the child again!

 

Seriously... what kind of mental nutcase asshat asks you to give up your kids?

[BluEyeL]

I've been on another message board for more than 10 years. That message board was a "mommy" message board. You'd be amazed how many of the 2nd wives had the OP's gf attitude, competing always with the kids from the first marriage and trying to make sure the husband only spent time with them and their children and forget completely the "previous" children. I'm always appaled! He comes as a complete package. If I ever get married or have a serious bf again, situations like this are a lesson for me not to behave like these crazy, jealous, mean women.

[ChessPieceFace]

I met my new partner six months after I left my wife or there abouts. Whether you decide it was right or wrong at the time I felt it wasn't right to let them know about the new relationship until I knew if it was going to last and certainly the ex was not in any mental state to deal with me "moving on". So no I didn't tell them because along with my closest friends, I felt that they weren't ready.

 

And then on and on like that for a YEAR dude? Seriously?

 

Do you hardly ever see your kids? Maybe that could partially explain how you'd keep a GF secret for a year, but hardly seeing your kids in itself is another problem.

 

the Kids, yes they are adults, but sadly they are also under her thumb. They stayed when I went and from the start I was seen as some evil person because having tried for years to fix a relationship and it failing I decided that I wanted some happiness for the last half of my life... change never goes down well with people, especially those that are unhappy but don't have the balls to do anything about their own lives.

 

In my experience your ex's opinion of you is not going to improve much. So you may as well start now to be a better person and father, to be more honest with your kids and connect with them. The younger they are when you do that the better.

 

And with regard to your comment about maturity and being a grandfather, sorry but I've raised 3 kids, I'm a successful business man and I've dealt with more crap in my life than most people will in a lifetime.

 

You've "raised 3 kids" who you can't honestly communicate with, business is hardly relevant to emotional maturity, and everyone deals with crap and I've dealt with much more than my share for the average american at least. Keeping your GF hidden from your kids for a year shows emotional immaturity, sorry. You can listen or don't, doesn't affect my life.

[pyramid]

How far into this relationship did you move across the country? Is that why you never see your kids? My ex did something similar and honestly it's very selfish. I'd be pissed if I were your kids/ex too.