crimsoncurrent Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Today's been very difficult for me emotionally. Today was the three year mark since my brother committed suicide. During that time, ex and I were together. She was there throughout the entire painful ordeal. To begin the today, while on was checking my gmail account, under the previously emailed section to the left of the screen, which gmail automatically saves, I noticed that it indicated she was online. I immediately clicked the "never show again" option after I scrolled over her name and made myself invisible, just in case I appeared online from her end, which may or may not been the case. Anyway, to start off the day like that, especially on such a painful and memorable day, ignited so many emotions. Not to mention the fact I'm in the middle of finals. So, I'm now on my 104th day of NC, which is around 3 1/2 months and wish so desperately I could just talk to her, but the most frustrating thing about my desperation is that fact that's not an option for me anymore. If there was going to be any form of communication between us, she'd have to initiate it, and that is highly unlikely, if not impossible. At this point, with the amount of progress I've made, I can't break NC. In my case, I know it would be disastrous for me, especially if I found out she was in another relationship. I feel like it would utterly cripple me. So, hence the title of the post: I feel as if I'm on the edge, on a tightrope above a large, expansive chasm. At this point, something has to give emotionally within me, and if I continue NC, which I have no plans to alter, it is going to break me down painfully into a new person. I can already feel and foresee it. I welcome the change, but dread the pain accompanying it. So, I was mostly wanting to vent, but if anyone of you have experienced similar feelings as to mine, I'd greatly appreciate if you shared them. Thank you.
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Hang in there man! Things are sure to get better!!! Don't break NC, you will hate yourself if you do. Just keep doing what you've been doing and things will work out. I envy you at 3.5 months NC. I am only at 1.5 months and I had to break it once to settle some finances. That was last Tuesday and it set me waaayy back. I was a wreck all last week and even through most of the weekend. I am feeling better today, but who knows for how long?? This process seems to be a back and fourth type thing, and you are just at a 'back' at this moment. I know what you mean though about seeing a name or an email or whatever that is associated with her. I hate that!! But, it sounds like you fixed that right quick I guess there is nothing more I can really say, except that you are NOT alone and you have support here on LS. I feel your pain... 1
iouaname Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 At this point, something has to give emotionally within me, and if I continue NC, which I have no plans to alter, it is going to break me down painfully into a new person. I can already feel and foresee it. I welcome the change, but dread the pain accompanying it. So, I was mostly wanting to vent, but if anyone of you have experienced similar feelings as to mine, I'd greatly appreciate if you shared them. Thank you. There's this really good quote that I saw on a television show that I liked, and it was something along the lines of "You can take the easy road and deal with the consequences, or you can make the hard choices and become a better person for it." In this case, the easy road is contacting your ex - and there are consequences. The hard road is remaining no contact. I am no expert because I am the hot mess express itself, but I think what you're feeling is completely understandable. Who wants to go through pain? Congratulations on 3.5 months tho, that's quite an accomplishment! 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Hang in there man! Things are sure to get better!!! Don't break NC, you will hate yourself if you do. Just keep doing what you've been doing and things will work out. I envy you at 3.5 months NC. I am only at 1.5 months and I had to break it once to settle some finances. That was last Tuesday and it set me waaayy back. I was a wreck all last week and even through most of the weekend. I am feeling better today, but who knows for how long?? This process seems to be a back and fourth type thing, and you are just at a 'back' at this moment. I know what you mean though about seeing a name or an email or whatever that is associated with her. I hate that!! But, it sounds like you fixed that right quick I guess there is nothing more I can really say, except that you are NOT alone and you have support here on LS. I feel your pain... Thanks for the encouraging and understanding words. I really appreciate it. I'm not afraid at breaking NC. I couldn't do it. I'd be too nervous. Plus, I don't think it'll matter anyway. I just have a feelings she's too far away emotionally to even care anymore. To her, I think my attempt at contract, letting her all I've learned, would be insignificant.
Author crimsoncurrent Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 There's this really good quote that I saw on a television show that I liked, and it was something along the lines of "You can take the easy road and deal with the consequences, or you can make the hard choices and become a better person for it." In this case, the easy road is contacting your ex - and there are consequences. The hard road is remaining no contact. I am no expert because I am the hot mess express itself, but I think what you're feeling is completely understandable. Who wants to go through pain? Congratulations on 3.5 months tho, that's quite an accomplishment! Thanks for the congratulations. Maintaining NC has been a day to day process for me, and at times, moment by moment, with me just getting through the next hour. But, like you said, it's natural to want to avoid pain, but if I was to contact my ex, I think the pain would be unbelievably more painful than continuing NC.
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