Damia Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Not sure if this is the right place for this but I'm intrested to hear anyone's thoughts. XH had his 50th in March. Huge party ,celebrations lasted 4 days. Our 17 yr old daughter went to his birthday night party and was quite hurt. The photos on show were all of the last 2 1/2 years with his AP/GF and nothing/ no one else. Also in his speech he thanked his parents and brother saying family was very important to him but no mention of his own children ! Although he did not mention his girlfriend either. Anybody have any clues as to his thought process??
redanemone Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Im not really sure what your asking here? And im fairly new here so the only abbreviation i understood was XH. Ex husband. Im sorry your daughter felt hurt.
Author Damia Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 I was just intrested to hear if anyone else had experienced a former partner completely erasing 25 years of their past ? It's like it never happened he has even changed the name (nickname) he is known by!
Bluesandy Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Hi Damia, Yes it happend all the times... My ex of 23 year disappeared with her boss 9 weeks ago, and everything we have done before has been erased from her memory.... I found it quiet disturbing, but some people move on very quick... That's the only thing I can say...
imfine Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Damia, I read here occasionally & do not know your story. I do not have an answer as to why people think that because they move on the past doesn't exist, but I understand how your daughter feels. I was quite hurt at a wedding when my father during his speech referred to my sister as the "apple of his eye." I'm a grown woman & 10 years later it still hurts. I felt his statement confirmed what I already believed to be true (due to his actions), that I was less in his eyes. If her father cares at all & is reasonable, he needs to know she's hurt, why & how it makes her feel. Doesn't matter whether you tell him or your daughter does. These little things add up & slowly errode the relationship & her self esteem. When a parent/child relationship is already damaged, each hurt is another brick in the wall between them. If he doesn't care, she's going to need extra esteem boosting from you. Probably therapy either way. About the photos, his GF probably planned his party so that would explain them being all about him & her, however it shows her lack of interest in his children. Yet another brick & he needs to be made aware of this as well. Not in accusing way, but in a "this is how it made our daughter feel" kind of way. In conversation, my dad often says things like "do you remember your grandmother?" WTH? I was the one with her at the hospital while she was dying. Statements like this have made me realize he has compartmentalized his life to the extreme. It's not that he's erased the past, he just see's it almost as if he has lived different lives that in no way are connected. ((Hugs)) to you & your daughter. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Our 17 yr old daughter went to his birthday night party and was quite hurt. The photos on show were all of the last 2 1/2 years with his AP/GF and nothing/ no one else. Also in his speech he thanked his parents and brother saying family was very important to him but no mention of his own children ! Although he did not mention his girlfriend either. The term "divorce" is from the Latin word "diversus", which means "to turn a different way". And as hard as it is to accept for some of us who didn't divorce willingly, this aptly defines what many exes do. It's no reflection on your daughter - or on you - but is just the reality of your current situation. Don't spend much time thinking about it... Mr. Lucky
KathyM Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 You should call your ex and tell him that your daughter felt very bad that she was not shown to be a part of his history, and that he should make an effort to spend some time with her and apologize to her for not acknowledging her in the slide presentation about his life. And that he needs to reassure her that she is important to him and that he loves her. You are still both her parents and you need to communicate to him how your daughter is feeling right now so that he can try to address it with her. Don't just let it go. Your daughter needs assurances from him that she is important to him. This event took a major blow to her self esteem. You need to be the intermediary in this for the sake of your daughter. You need to let your ex husband know what the deal is so that he can try to make repairs. 1
melodymatters Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Perhaps the party organizers only had access to pics from the last 3 yrs. I got crap for doing a photo collage at My late H's funeral because it "didn't show the rest of the family " only us. WELL, they never came and visited so I only had access to OUR pics. I didn't have a problem when they did a slide show of pics from his younger years when he lived with THEM and I wasn't in any. The only downside is he could have mentioned his kids in his "acceptance speech" or whatever it was called. People move on, let them.
aMguilts Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 he`s moved on and good for him:) why live in the past? cant change it aM
aMguilts Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 You should call your ex and tell him that your daughter felt very bad that she was not shown to be a part of his history, and that he should make an effort to spend some time with her and apologize to her for not acknowledging her in the slide presentation about his life. And that he needs to reassure her that she is important to him and that he loves her. You are still both her parents and you need to communicate to him how your daughter is feeling right now so that he can try to address it with her. Don't just let it go. Your daughter needs assurances from him that she is important to him. This event took a major blow to her self esteem. You need to be the intermediary in this for the sake of your daughter. You need to let your ex husband know what the deal is so that he can try to make repairs. sorry kathy i disagree what would be the point in this?? to me this is just flaming a fire that has already gone out aM
KathyM Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 A child is not just a part of his past, to be forgotten or dismissed, now that he has "moved on". She is (or should be) his present and his future. An important part of his life for the rest of his life. Children need to feel that, once a divorce happens, that their relationship with both their parents is still going to be important to both parents. That they are not going to be forgotten or replaced. This was a major blow to this girl's self esteem, to be totally unacknowledged by her father, who supposedly loves her and is an important part of her life. 1
KathyM Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 sorry kathy i disagree what would be the point in this?? to me this is just flaming a fire that has already gone out aM It's important for the daughter to know that she is still important to her father, and that the fact that the parents divorced does not mean that she is also divorced from her father. Children need to feel that they are important to their parents. It is important for their self esteem. The daughter took this event as evidence that she is no longer a part of his life or important to him. He needs to show her that that is not the case. 2
aMguilts Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 It's important for the daughter to know that she is still important to her father, and that the fact that the parents divorced does not mean that she is also divorced from her father. Children need to feel that they are important to their parents. It is important for their self esteem. The daughter took this event as evidence that she is no longer a part of his life or important to him. He needs to show her that that is not the case. sorry again why does he have to show her anything? isn`t that a bit of a contradiction in terms? isn`t he intiltled to his own life? and by being the way he is, he is showing more to his daughter , than words or even pictures can ever express or you think he should wrap her up in wool for the rest of her life? aM
KathyM Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 sorry again why does he have to show her anything? isn`t that a bit of a contradiction in terms? isn`t he intiltled to his own life? and by being the way he is, he is showing more to his daughter , than words or even pictures can ever express or you think he should wrap her up in wool for the rest of her life? aM It is important to children, and to their self esteem, that they are shown, through words and actions, to be important to their parents. What he is showing to his daughter by totally leaving her out of the story of his life, is that he doesn't consider her an important part of his life. That's a blow to her self esteem, and her relationship with him. 2
aMguilts Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 It is important to children, and to their self esteem, that they are shown, through words and actions, to be important to their parents. What he is showing to his daughter by totally leaving her out of the story of his life, is that he doesn't consider her an important part of his life. That's a blow to her self esteem, and her relationship with him. whose birthday was it?? aM
KathyM Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 whose birthday was it?? aM It was his, and as part of the celebration, the story of his life was presented to the guests. She should have been shown or at least mentioned or acknowledged in some way, as a part of his life. 2
aMguilts Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 (edited) It was his, and as part of the celebration, the story of his life was presented to the guests. She should have been shown or at least mentioned or acknowledged in some way, as a part of his life. why should it?? it was his birthday a celebration of HIS life??? but i can see what you are saying aM Edited April 30, 2013 by aMguilts
Author Damia Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 2 very different points of view thanks KathyM and aMguilts. My x and I have very limited communication. I don't think he is allowed to talk to me ,his girlfriend is extremely jealous of anyone female talking to him especially me I did try early on in our split to gently point out how the children were feeling but to no avail I now follow the rules- I don't bad mouth my X I support and love my kids the best I no how I let them choose for themselves the relationship they have with their dad ,they are old enough to decide this Sadly their dads new life does not include them very often. I wonder when he is old and grey and they have no time for him he will understand or remember ?? 1
2sunny Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 It's important for the daughter to know that she is still important to her father, and that the fact that the parents divorced does not mean that she is also divorced from her father. Children need to feel that they are important to their parents. It is important for their self esteem. The daughter took this event as evidence that she is no longer a part of his life or important to him. He needs to show her that that is not the case. Since the daughter is old enough - SHE is perfectly capable of telling DAD exactly how she feels. No need to put Mom in the middle- in fact Mom should stay out of it! Daughter should have a voice and speak her truth DIRECTLY to the one who hurt her = Dad.
KathyM Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Since the daughter is old enough - SHE is perfectly capable of telling DAD exactly how she feels. No need to put Mom in the middle- in fact Mom should stay out of it! Daughter should have a voice and speak her truth DIRECTLY to the one who hurt her = Dad. Well I believe parents should be able to communicate with each other about their shared children, regardless of the divorce. I question whether the daughter will tell him how this made her feel. I think the ex wife (OP) should enlighten him on the subject. If the daughter wants to broach the subject with her father, she is free to do that, but I still think the OP needs to advocate for her daughter about this.
2sunny Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Well I believe parents should be able to communicate with each other about their shared children, regardless of the divorce. I question whether the daughter will tell him how this made her feel. I think the ex wife (OP) should enlighten him on the subject. If the daughter wants to broach the subject with her father, she is free to do that, but I still think the OP needs to advocate for her daughter about this. IF the daughter was young, yes. But the daughter is old enough (adult age) to speak for herself. Mom can't (and shouldn't) speak for her - that's for the daughter to do now - to learn how to speak up. And it carries more weight coming directly from the D who's feelings he hurt!
aMguilts Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Well I believe parents should be able to communicate with each other about their shared children, regardless of the divorce. I question whether the daughter will tell him how this made her feel. I think the ex wife (OP) should enlighten him on the subject. If the daughter wants to broach the subject with her father, she is free to do that, but I still think the OP needs to advocate for her daughter about this. yes i agree kathy , they SHOULD be able too but more often or not that is just not possible too many other factors get in the way lets face it , how many on here have regular `liberated` contact with their ex`s, children or not i don`t with the mother of my children thats for sure cos if anything she is just as bad as when we split 12 years ago!! but as adults we still have our own lives to lead and to make sure we make them as happy as possible?? it was his birthday, maybe his new woman didn`t want to see pictures of his past? who knows? at least the daughter GOT invited:) but again.... i CAN see what you mean aM
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