IronHorse Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I have been using LoveShack to help me move on from my breakup and I’ve realized how helpful it is. So, I’ve decided to tell my story here in hopes that it will help someone else. Background I met my girlfriend in high school (junior), she actually asked me out to a backwards dance. I didn’t really want to go as my ex,ex girlfriend (freshman-sophomore) had just left me. But I decided to go anyways. Turns out that my soon-to-be girlfriend was incredible. That night, I kissed her… and missed. She laughed and… well that was the bravest thing I ever did in high school and I was glad I did. It led to 3 years of happiness. Things went perfectly, we rarely fought, and when we did we always sat down to talk about it or we’d hold hands while arguing (try to fight/argue while holding hands, IMPOSSIBLE). We always had happy times and incredible times never really had sad times. We got into the same college and things were incredible. We gave ourselves a little space and made our own friends freshman year of college. We were very much in love. Every once in a while she’d surprise me by making me dinner or dressing up to go out, writing notes, etc. I would tell her she’s beautiful, draw her pictures (..not artistic, think coloring book haha), surprise her with day trips, etc. She loved it, I love it, and we loved each other. When it started to go wrong Over this past winter break, I studied abroad in Germany for 3 weeks. During this time, she was mostly alone as the University was out of session as well. When I returned, things were a little off. But it’s happened before. People have moments, she has moments, I have moments but we’ve always worked through it, we’ve always taken the time to talk about it, to help each other. Because that’s what love is. Things were a little shaky because she was trying to figure out her major, what she wanted to do in life, etc. But she talked to me about it, and I knew it was one of those things she had to figure out by herself. Fast forward to Easter, I finally met her whole extended family (obviously I knew her parents, they loved me. Even her father had a lot of respect for me). She was so excited that I came, and she said she loved me, etc. It was so much fun! Three days later she left me. …that was an abrupt twist to the story, eh? Welcome to my life. I cried when she broke up with me (more on what in a little bit), but I respected her decision, I told her that I would need time alone and that I had to leave now. I deleted her from my phone right in front of her face (that was a bit harsh but necessary) and I walked out the door. Then I turn right around, walked back in and just spoke for an hour straight AT her, not to her (more on this in a bit). Her reason You see, I am a child at heart. I slide into rooms in my socks, I love to color in coloring books, I find humor in almost anything, I love laying in the grass during the summer, I like climbing trees, playing in mud, working on cars, and eating cookies. Damn how I love cookies. But I am also graduating at the top of my class, I’ve already had an internship at a prestigious financial firm a year before most of my peers would be eligible to do so, and my future looks bright. In addition, I volunteer with the police department working with the local community by educating children on the job of a police officer, teaching them how to wear a helmet, teach them about safety, etc. I’m 20 years old and I started my retirement fund 2 years ago. I’m putting myself though college without loans. But she said that I was too, “immature.” She said that sliding into a room in socks is embarrassing, that poking and tickling (in private) is not what “adults” do, that somewhere along the way she stopped liking when I touched her. She wasn’t happy. And it hurt. A lot. What did she mean she didn’t like me sliding into a room? Her smile when I did it was one of the only reasons I did it! (can you image falling on a wood floor at 20, I might break a hip. Haha, I wonder what 50 feels like). I loved tickling her because her laugh and smile honestly made me happier than water after running 10 miles in 90 degree weather. Now, back to the part where I talked AT her. When I broke up with my ex,ex girlfriend, I just walked away and I didn’t get closure for a long time (6 months or so) and I was a mess. I didn’t want that to happen again. I walked back in that room (by the way, she did it in her sorority, talk about home field advantage) and I told her. I told her that I don’t understand why she didn’t tell me these things bugged her. How after 3 years she could let so many little things build up to the point where walking away was easier than working through it. I couldn’t believe it. And I told her, “I cannot believe that after three wonderful years, you just couldn’t talk to me about such little things.” I told her that the reason I slide into a room is cause of her smile, etc and I poured all that out. She yelled at me (never seen her this mad), “Why didn’t you say this before?!” Then she cried harder than I had ever seen, and I walked out. (except I stupidly went and got her best sorority sister and told her to go take care of her before I left). Well that can’t be the real reason, can it? Never fear, I know enough about her, and her life to guess a more accurate version of the real reasons. And it makes me so angry. Remember how I said that freshman year, we gave ourselves space to make our own friends. Well that year, I made friends in the dorms, really good guys, had fun. She found Greek life, and a sorority. I did my best to be involved in Greek life (its “exclusive” at our campus) but I tried. I even tried to join a fraternity (they really liked me and wanted me to) but the lifestyle was not for me. They are incredible people though. Her sorority is filled with beautiful women: strong, independent, dedicated, caring. And I hate them all. Now, do I really hate them? No. But my former girlfriend became so involved in it, she became such a good, strong leader that she began to replace me with it. My ex was pretty bad at managing time, always late and such. And eventually, I wasn’t adding enough value to her life, in her eyes. The fun nights and random trips we would take, she began to do with her sisters. The excitement of dancing and partying, she did with her fraternity brothers. And I became a weight, a burden. And as she put it “she couldn’t appreciate me enough and I deserved someone that could.” And damn it, she was right. Maybe I am immature…no. I am immature because I am 20 years old damn it. The irony in all of this is that she was being immature. Giving up on communicating with someone you “love and care about” is BS. And like I just said, she was right. I am immature, but I deserve someone who is going to appreciate me. I love having fun, I love being around people, and I love making people feel loved. It just hurts like hell when you say I love you to someone after being together for 3 years and she doesn’t say it back. Instead she says, “I’m going to miss you.” So… I don’t get it, are you over this, or not, what’s going on because this seems complicated? It is complicated. I love her, we talked of marriage, kids, we are heading down the same path, her parents loved me, mine loved her. Everything was perfect. Now, I know that love is blind, so I’ve waited almost a month before posting it. Yes, that’s right we broke up at the beginning of April so I am at about a month, maybe a little less. And I see faults in our relationship, I see areas of weakness but they were minor. She preferred to live in the south, I preferred to live in the north (but I the financial firm I will be working at after college allows you to work from almost any major city. It wouldn’t have been a deal breaker). Both wanted kids. Honestly, everything in my mind still works. Everything except once part: she didn’t want it anymore I have not spoken to her since that night, I still see her on campus and when I do I just smile (never let her see me sad). I deleted her and her sorority sisters on Facebook and hit the No Contact hard (not to get her back but to get over her). What have I learned in the last month? This is what I really wanted to talk about, everything before this is just so you understand what I am about to say more. April has been the single greatest month in my entire life. I started the month with tears of heartbreak and tonight the month ends with tears of happiness. I am in college, I am 20. All of freshman year, I hung out with those friends I told you about, but I always stayed in more. I probably went to a total of 10 parties all year. I spent more time with the ex or staying home because I was worried about college parties (with the flirting and drinking, and such). This month, I’ve gone to 14 parties, I have more stories to tell than I could dream of (I still don’t drink very much, but a little… non-alcoholic of course since I am only 20…in college…haha). I signed up to go skydiving this summer, I’ve lost 10 pounds working out every day (and I am looking good!). I also learned that the fact that I no longer know what my next 5-10 years looks like is exciting. I have never experienced such heartbreak, such love, such excitement in such a short period of time. I have never felt so alive. The most important thing though. I’ve never realized how many friends I’ve had. Remember that first ex (Freshman-sophomore year of high school) Well , after 1.5 years of No Contact, we became best friends. That night that my ex broke up with me, I called her. She left a date to be there for me, along with my roommate who was studying for a midterm (he did ok on it) and almost all the guys from last year (around 15 people there). They listened, I cried, they hugged me. I was crying because my heart was broken… but I think that I was also crying because I’ve neglected these amazing people so much. I’ve also spent more time with acquaintances. I have classes with and two people in particular have become such genuine and incredible friends. We had heart-to heart (we call it “bro talk”) and it feels good. Instead of shutting down, hating love, and being depressed, I just decided to take all the love I had for my ex, and spread it to all those friendships. All people want is to be heard, to be appreciated, and to be loved. That’s why I am posting here, I want to be heard. I want people to know what I did because I don’t think she fully realized how I’d stay up late to finish studying so I could give her my full attention when we met the next day. Or how I’d plan our “spontaneous” trips in advance by finding good vegetarian locations ahead of time so she could eat good food. And I want you to know that you are loved. That this sucks, it hurts, but the world is not all bad and life will go on. My final words/thoughts In high school, my ex, ex (now best friend) broke up with me and I learned how to be a better boyfriend. In April my ex broke up with me and I am learning how to be a better friend. I had my heart torn out, and thrown away. She said, “I want something different.” She got it. The moment I walked out of that room after I talked at her for an hour, I walked out a ghost of the person she fell in love with. That person she fell in love with, died in that room that night and a new person left. A new person that I am still molding into the man I want to become, the man that I am supposed to become. When I see her, I think of her as a ghost. She may look like my girlfriend, act like my girlfriend, smile beautiful like my girlfriend, but she is just a ghost. Because my girlfriend wouldn’t have hurt me like this. And that ghost will date other people, and have sex, and get married etc. But that ghost isn’t my girlfriend. My girlfriend changed somewhere along the way, and I only noticed she had turned into a ghost that night she left me. It maybe be weird to think of it this way. But it makes more sense than you think. You see, you can’t always control what happens in life, but you have trust the universe, or God, or who/whatever you believe in that ultimately everything is working together, whether it is through fate, destiny, or dumb luck. It’s a little scary, a little difficult to understand until your 80 years old on a porch with your husband / wife. It’s difficult to realize that at any moment in time the universe is working hard so that you end up in exactly the right place, at exactly the right moment, as exactly the right person for the person who you are supposed to be with. And that person, whoever he is or she is, will have gone through the same thing. They will have experienced incredible joy, and incredible hurt, and they too will wonder why their girlfriend/boyfriend left, why things fell apart. You see my friend, the real beauty in all of this is that someday you will realize that during all those hard times, the universe was actually just shaping you and transforming you into the right person so that when your wife/husband comes along, you’ll be ready. Remember, life is a choice between getting hit and staying down or getting hit and getting up. I’ve been so lucky. I’ve had such amazing people help me through this. Do I understand why she did it? No. Will I ever fully understand? No. Am I ok with that? Yes, because I am one heartbreak closer to the one. It’s only been a month, and so I will try to update this in a few months with my thoughts again. Leave any questions you may have. I want to help you, answer questions if you are curious. Lastly, my friend, I hope that you trust yourself and continue to believe. It may be optimistic, but it’s better than being pessimistic. I believe in you, I believe in love, and I hope that someday you find peace and happiness. Respectfully yours, IronHorse 3
whyendedthisway Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 i like your attitude to move on.i have experienced the same thing 8 months ago.first 4 months were like hell,know i am in a good place,i feel very good about myself and my imrovement.i was 6 years in the relationship,did everything for her
denxnis Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Most of the time woman leave because they've found someone else or want to try things with someone else; sad but true... I've also noticed that whenever girl's befriend strong "independent" woman, like a bunch of sorority sisters, the men usually suffer. Fortunately for us these setbacks can be used to our advantage; like a sailboat you can either fight the wind or use it to your advantage. Keep updating, this is a good place to vent.
markjames77 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Great read Iron Horse. Fantastic attitude and outlook on life. I can totally relate to the "ghost" reference.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Like the attitude here. This is a true case of taking lemons and making lemonade. Hope you keep this up.
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