Turpulus Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 So here is my story: In 2007 I feel in love with Ivey. I had just finished graduate school and she agreed to follow me from Michigan to Connecticut where we moved in together. I was 24 at the time and she 25. In 2008, we became engaged and that is when I faltered. I still loved her, but I just felt that I wasn't ready to settle down and get married. I still wanted to be with her though. In 2009, now living in New Jersey, still with Ivey, I called off the wedding and hurt her bad. I felt awful about it but I couldn't do it. Ivey still lived with me until the middle of 2011 at which point she moved to New York. We still remained close friends and in touch although I still had strong feelings for her. I believe that she still loved me too, but her ideals and stubbornness refused to allow her to get back with me because I hurt her even though I was so sorry about it. In December of 2012, I received a call from her, telling me that she is moving to Scotland this week and that she needed me to send her some things. She wouldn't tell me anymore information then that. I still kept in occasional e-mail contact but all of her e-mails were brief and vague. I knew something was going on. Now 30, I know I am now ready to get married and I'm still in love with Ivey. Last week I received a call from her. She told me that she has married a Scottish sailor (who she hardly knows) and is now pregnant with his child. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I don't know what to do. I would do anything to turn back time and marry her when I had the chance. I want to be in her life so bad and I want to be able to see her daughter. It's hard for me to accept, but I do realize that once her daughter is born it is better for her to be raised by her biological father and I would never want to break up someone's marriage no matter how much I disagree with it. I just feel that Ivey had to get married as soon as she could because of what I did to her. Has anyone else had similar experiences? I'm hurting so bad right now. I just don't know what to do. Please don't tell me the "plenty of fish in the sea." I've heard it already. I'd do anything to be with this woman right now and no matter what I do, I know I can't.
KraftDinner Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I'm sorry you're hurting. Ugh! If one of my exes knocked up a chick right after we broke up, I'd be devastated. When you said she wouldn't get back together or whatever because of her stubbornness...I don't know how to put this, but you cancelled your wedding! She'd have to be crazy to try to continue with someone who did that. I'm not saying this to hurt you. Just...you need to let her go. The cancelling of the wedding was the nail in the coffin. If my fiance did that I'd be beyond destroyed.
portableversion Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 (edited) wow yeah that stinks, from what ive learned from my travels is that, when contemplating marriage ask ur self would you want the relationship to end? Do you see yourself dumping the person? If both of these are a no, its time to knuckle down and take the plunge. Get some premarital counseling of course, but yeah go for it. It sounds like you were majorly bummed when she left back in 2011, some may call me crazy but perhaps it was time to take some vows. Calling off the wedding was definitely a huge mistake as im sure you realize, and yeah shes married to someone else now, it would be a spiritual crime to now try to persuade her to leave that guy. And if for some reason she calls you up one day wanting your opinion If they should end it, don't say anything on the topic. Or to be safe tell her to get couples counseling. That's the safe thing to say without risking damage coming to you. Either say hey im busy its no one of my business or encourage her to stick it out. If its gong to end its got to be because they do it and no one had better encourage/suggest to them to do it either because them breaking their vows is a spiritual crime, and anyone encouraging them to do so is an accomplice. Or another way to look at it is to acknowledge that you were just not ready for marriage and it was just too soon for you, you are an individual that wanted to date a little longer. She pushed you too fast and that's all there is. on another note the catholic church in recent years has gotten very advanced in pre marital counseling, they have grown weary with the havoc the spiritual rape known as divorce has been wreaking on this planet. Too many tears to much pain, to many suicides, major depression alcohol and substance abuse , revenge anger tactics, you name it, damaged kids, who go forward and perpetuate spiritual rape. They have a complex evaluation to sniff out the probability for spiritual rape, and its about time. This culture is sick, the microwave instant gratification me me me society is just no good, too many times folks are like oh im not having fun anymore its time for spiritual rape(divorce) and time to shag new people, with out doing the heavy lifting and hard work to make it work. And it can be hard no one wants to admit how they hurt other people it's easier to just blame others. On another note at least you don't have to worry about getting a divorce, getting dumped is much easier than getting spiritually raped, those vows are serious, many invisible unseen forces at play to glue the couple together. Im sure there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, I was spiritually raped and I really don't know how I managed to not kill myself. I guess it was cowardice (fear of death) and the boys and my mom. At least you know if wedding plans are made don't cancel them, she obviously wanted to marry you and have your baby. Hang in there some day you'll feel better, it may not be soon but it will come. but yeah shes gone id just not talk to her anymore at all, like never. At least shes real far away some people on here share office space with the ex, man that would be a sick environment, you got the comfort of not seeing any of this , that is a blessing it could have been worse. Lots of gals my sister included hook up with good buddies of their ex....OUCH, there you lost ur gal and a friend. its a sick twisted world we live in good luck , its helped me slowly over time get ur ass in church go often the more the better. mind you im not a professional, im just a fella who managed avoid shooting myself in the tub, this **** is the worst bro, ........go ahead and cry if you must and cry often. Edited April 29, 2013 by portableversion
Author Turpulus Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 I'm glad I'm not alone in this. A big part of me wants to be in her life though I miss her dearly and it hurts worst knowing that ill never be with her again because j was immature at the time and screwed up. She barely even knows the guy she married. It isn't my place to say, but can you really love someone you barely know? I know I need to let her disappear from,my life but she told me that she still wants to be friends and part of me doesn't want to ,et her go. How long does the hurt last? I'm not suicidal or anything, but I don't think I can stand this pain anymore. I'm surrounded by memories of her. I got rid of all her stuff, but I still kept the cats we got together. I love those cats so much even though they remind me of her.
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