twistedtexan Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 My wife sent me an e-mail today saying she had decided that she wanted a divorce. This comes on the heels of our separation a week ago. Which I didnt even see coming. She asked me to get us a counselor in early August and when I got us an appointment 2 weeks later she would not go. Is there anything you can say to a woman that would allow her to at least consider the idea of a reconciliation. I have tried to get her to fill out an EN - wont do it. tried to give her a tape on returning your romance - wont listen to it. I feel like I've been in a daze for this 4 year marriage, but have now been enlightened to all the things we were doing wrong in our relationship. And I feel the marrige could be improved dramatically from just what I've discovered over the past few weeks, but it takes a commitment from her as well. Unless I just do the 180. She has consulted with the same friend both times prior to the separation and divorce proclamations. She and her husband are mutual friends of ours, would it be wise of me to contact her and ask about my wife? I just wish that my wife would at least try! She has agreed to meet with me tommorow night to discuss this. What should I do?
findinmyway Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Don't beg and plead...it may push her even farther. However, you want to be honest with her...you don't want to regret not trying. Tell her how you feel while maintaining your dignity. Tell her you want to stay together and try....that you have realized many things and you are prepared to change your relationship and make it better. Make it clear what you want, and then tell her you also realize you cannot convince her of anything. Ask her to take a little time and space if she has to before she makes a hasty decision she may not be able to take back. I would resort to separation as a last attempt...it didn't turn out good when my H and I tried it, from recommendation of our counselor.
Author twistedtexan Posted September 21, 2004 Author Posted September 21, 2004 What about telling her those things along with what I propose to bring to the table - something like this list: What I will bring to the table: 1.) A non smoker, non drinker, who doesn’t use drugs. 2.) I will eliminate the patterns of destructive behavior that cause disharmony in our marriage and replace them with habits that provide a foundation of support and understanding which will in turn become instinctive in our relationship. 3) I promise to be nice to you ALL the time, notice when you are having a good/bad day and respond to you with a caring response. I will not neglect you. I will revel in your beauty and let you know that I appreciate you. 4) I will meet your most important emotional needs first and foremost while asking for nothing in return. I will provide you with affection, conversation, and admiration with an assured level of openness and honesty. 5) I will support you at all times. When you are in need I will comfort you and offer you my undivided attention. 6) I will engage in your hobbies at least 4 times a month. 7) I will be a person worthy of your love, with whom you will want to have a family and children. 8) I will completely eliminate my angry outbursts under any circumstance and act more mature in our relationship and in all of our dealings. 9) I will strive to obtain our goals and ambitions for what we want to achieve with our future lives together. 10) I will meet and exceed any household expectations that we set for each other. Any feedback on using this as a last ditch attemt at reconciliation? Or is it too needy. Like you said, I just want to make sure that *I* did everything possible to prevent the divorce so *I* dont regret it down the road. Lord knows I've made enough mistakes already. Thanks for the help in advance folks.
findinmyway Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 That all sounds great, but try to be realistic. You know your heart and how you need to react to feel assured you tried everything. I know that is important...I've been D 3 yrs and we are trying to reconcile because of the guilt I've carried from not really trying. Do try to be careful and don't push too much on her. My H did that to me and it pushed me away. Only when he pulled back and told me he wanted me but he wouldn't chase me, that I had to make that decision on my own....only then did I consider it. You are already a step ahead of most. Most of us go into a conversation like this completely unprepared....you are actually giving it thought. That's good.
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