What the heck happened?

[gersanos]

Ok. So I met my now ex beginning of this year. We were seniors in college, and met on a mini study abroad program through the school. She was too shy to say anything to me about her interest, so one day when we were out at a club her friend told me about it after we all had a few drinks. Sounds kinda immature, but I found it to be cute. We kissed once out there and just talked. When we returned to the states she sent me an e-mail with her number and interest to hang out.

 

The first time we hung out it was weird. It was at a study abroad reunion party and she was quiet almos tall night, so I figured I'm wasting my time. Well, she kept sending text messages and running into me accidently at school over the next 2 weeks, so I figured, what the heck. I always gave up on girls too early in the past, lets see what this is all about.

 

Well, after that things took off. We talked all the time, became great friends, and eventually started to date exclussively in April. We were having the best of times, and didnt jump straight to sex.

 

This past summer was absolutely amazing. We became best of friends. We always missed each other. We connected on so many levels, both our friends approved of us (even though she doesn't have many friends), both our families approved (we were interacial), everything was great. I am the second guy to ever sleep with her (she had a 4.5 unhealthy relationship that she ended a year before we met, and didn't date inbetween). We went on two vacations together over the summer with friends as well. On top of that, I'm the first guy to ever go to a family function with her. No guy made it to that point before.

 

Before we met, we both were accpeted to numerous law schools. Over the summer she decided to pick the same law school as me to be with me. That was entirely her decision, and I told her I want whats best for her. Everything was perfect, except a few minor scuffles that we worked out, until law school started couple of weeks ago.

 

When school started we were both going through lots of change: lifestyle, work, stress, etc. I also found out my dad may lose his job, so that was just added to the heap. After 2.5 days of fighting on and off when school started (stress related?), she suggested that maybe we're not compatible. I tried not to laugh at her. I thought she was nuts. We took a break apart for a day, and talked that evening. I told her that I had lots of stress going on, and much on my mind, and that I was sorry for not filling her in on everything that was on my mind and snapping on her. She said she didn't think that's what it was, but was relieved to hear it was that. She thought that we were just gonan fight from now on (again, tried not to laugh or smack her).

 

After that, we were on a roller coaster for 2 weeks. I had a car broken into, and a car stolen, and she's wasn't tto supportive. I told her I was puching her away from me, but everyone that I spoke with said it's normal. You have a lot of change going on, and this is like your first big test as a couple. So i stuck it out, and it passed for me. It never passed for her though.

 

We talked and talked about it, but I got sick of her behavior and told her that we should take some space because Idon't know what's wrong with her. I also cleared out my books from the locker we shared. That night I called her b/c I thought she may have taken it the wrong way, and she was crying, said she was absolutely shocked, that she knows her behaviors off and I'm not helping by calling her on it. I told her I don't know what to do b/c your not communciating anything to me (and I'm not gonna be her doormat if that's what this is all about). Finally, she agreed that some space will do her good. I told her that when she's ready to call.

 

Two days later she called and said we need to talk. Oh well. We broke up that nite (2.5 weeks ago), and exchanged spiteful comments back and forth. I was calm and took it well. Didn't beg, told her i want the best for her, and just asked couple of questions just as to why and she said its because of school stress, feelings not as strong, blah, blah, blah. She wanted to remain friends and I said that when it's over, then it's over, and she started to get angry and argue that she still cares about me and that there's shades of gray (i just dont want to be a doormat). She wanted me to still use our locker, but i said no. It's black or white with me. I told her i won't contact, and that I love you and can let you go. That night at 2:37am she did send me a text to call her when i'm free, but i didn't. I just don't think people truly change there mind after a few hours.

 

I hated this girl's behavior for those couple of weeks, but miss her like crazy. We bumped into each other at school here or there, which was weird, but other than that it was contact by e-mail just for me to pick up my stuff from her place, and i told her to leave it with the doorman if she feels more comfortable, which she did do. Everyone tells me she'll come back around. I dunno. I want this girl back in my life, but my pride won't allow me to contact her. Stress from school is a part of it, but it's deeper than that. If I messed up, I just don't know where. Only thing she said is that when we broke up that my sarcasm hurt her, and I said thanks for telling me now (she admitted she was dishinest about that). I've been hanging with friends, exercising, doing school, etc., but I can't get her off my mind. 6 months of bliss, and 2 rough weeks, and it just ends like this. Sigh. Any input? Is she too scared to contact me now, or is it absolutely dead, or what?

[Merin]

I don't know if "scared" to contact you is the right word here...

 

Just from the tone of your post (and I could be wrong) but it kind of seems like when you ended the relationship that you put fourth the idea that you didn't really care, that it didn't phase you at all and you were Juuusstttt fine with it.

 

Now obviously that isn't the way you really felt, but I know from personal experience with my bf who does tend to be that way (acting like he doesn't care out of pride) that it happens....

 

We (me and my bf) have had a lot of discussions on this.... that he will have so much pride (and you said it yourself that it's your pride that is kind of stopping you) that he will be misrable instead of calling me when we've had an argument.

 

All I can tell you is this..... there have been many times that I had to swallow my pride and my bf has had to suck it up on occasion and swallow his and be the one to say "I miss you, can we talk"

 

DON'T let someone you really care about get away because you have to much pride to say you miss them, or that you want to try again....

 

Maybe she hasn't contacted you not out of fear..... but pride.

[gersanos]

Thanks for your reply. My friends said that we are both playing "hardball." I dunno. During those 2 weeks I got beat up emotionally. I was putting forth all into the relationship it seemed, and she kept distancing herself. The whole me not caring attitude was an act. It hurts like hell. I felt that all that I had going on those two weeks with the cars and all, adn her being unsupportive, I jus tgot fed up. It makes no sense. I wanna contact her, but she made it seem like she doesnt want to put forth effort into this. Whenever I've seen her at school she seemed ok. I am so confused. Half my friends say to call, that I have nothing to lose but I dont wanna come across as some psycho boyfriend, adn the other half say that the ball is in her court:she was a b#$%h to me for those 2 weeks, and she just ran away as soon as things got tough.

[Merin]

You're welcome;)

 

I understand where your coming from....

 

Something to think about here though.... you've said she seems fine without you, well I'm willing to bet that you seem fine to her as well without her.... am I right?

 

LOL I know, because I've been there sooooo many times with my BF.

 

Little games you play to show that other person how you don't care, you don't miss them blah blah.... and yes I have felt just as you have, justified that it NOT be me to call him and say I miss you! HOWEVER If your girl means as much to you as I suspect she does..... then stop all the "hardball" give her a call and tell her "I miss you"

 

Pride.... you can sleep with it, but it doesn't keep you company;)

[findinmyway]

Since you are both playing hardball, and there is a legitmate chance that she isn't contacting you out of pride......why not bite the bullet and call her. Or email her, or something, and let her know how you feel. Since you want her back, I doubt she will be hateful in return, regardless of her response. What's the worst that could happen? She may not feel the same. At least you would be able to move on.

[gersanos]

I miss the girl, but at the same time I feel like I got crapped on. 6 months of bliss and then 2 rough weeks and now this. I look for someone that will be there when times are bad. Within those 2 weeks I started school, my bro left for europe for a year, i found out my dad may lose his job, had a car broken into, a car stolen, and she says that she can't do this anymore. I was emotionally worn out, and that's why I acted the way I did when we broke up. She thought that everything was going to be perfect between us like in those 6 months, but she felt as if we were gonna be fighting from here on out. I stuck it out, but I do feel that she just ran away. Heck, I figured she would know best about ups and downs with relationships since she was in a 4.5 year one before. But maybe our first low broguht back painful memories from her past relationship. I dunno.

 

She changed so much in those two weeks around me. It's like everything she said she wanted out of life before was tossed out the window, and now she was carreer driven and doesn;t know if she'll have time for a family down the road b/c of her ambitions. She gave me every red flag as well:why aren't we talking, what's going on with us, etc. I tried to communicate with her, but it was like talking with a wall. It was difficult. That anger that I had is now gone, and I miss the girl that I fell over before those 2 weeks. I know it's nothing like she found someone else. I just wonder were I went wrong, and I asked her that but she wouldn't give me anything. I don't know if these are issues that she has to deal with, or if she is really just immature, or if it's some serious damage that I did and am an idiot to see it, or a combination of all of the above. I realy felt like we just needed to have some space to adjsut to our new lifestyles as individuals, and then come back together. Not a very long break apart, but I just fell like she jumped the gun, adn she always claimed me to jumo the gun. I didn't want to be friends with her b/c it would hurt me. I dunno if she cares about me or not, but I got the impression that she didn't when things went south in my life. She does come from a wealthy family as well, were here parents provide her with everything. That is something that has to do with it as well, but all of her friends and her ex aren't like that. I dunno. I'm just confused with all of this, and I don't know if she even knows what it is. She did mention that 2 days before we broke up when we spoke. So confusing.

[findinmyway]

I'm a little confused. From your first post I gathered that you wanted things to work, you just weren't sure if they were dead or not. From this post, it sounds like you're the one who has given up.

 

Do you want to be with her? Are you hoping she will be the one to contact you and initiate something?

[gersanos]

I'm like back and forth. I keep telling myself that it's over and to just move on, but I can't get her off my mind and just get back into denial about it. Those 2 weeks I know would not have happened if school hadnt started yet, b/c everything was still great before that point. Some friends told me that she changed alot when school started b/c she takes it seriosly (as do I), but school isn't everything in life, and I told her that during those 2 weeks. I told her you just try your best, but if you don't graduate at the top of your class you'll still find succees and happines in life. Her response to me was that succees to her is measured by the size of her paycheck, which I found to be pretty sad and kind of funny since she has only worked for 2 weeks back in high school and that's it.

 

I did go back to our locker one day at school becuase she still owes me movies that she never returned, and found that the last note that I wrote for her is still on the locker. I tried not to read into that too much. But I went through her planner just out of curiosity, and she spoke with her friends about the matter before we broke up. Guess they didn't talk her out of it, but I don't know what she told them. What's crazy about the whole deal is that when we broke up she had wrote in her planner "conference with NAME." I was shocked. It's as if we weren't going out at all. Or maybe that' just her way of expressing it.

 

Since then I've just given her space. I want to contact her, but the decision was hers. I was told that since she made a decision, then she should be the one to call if she wants things to work out. I dunno. When we broke up, she also said that she felt relieved. She said she would miss me when not being around me those 2 weeks, but dreaded it when she was around me. How am I supposed to feel about that? I don't know if she said it out of plain emotion, or if she had really developed a grudge for me. I felt relieved just to know an answer, but after that I was dumbstruck and missed her like crazy. She was much more emotional during the break-up about halfway through and her response to everything I would say was, "are you saying that out of spite?" I wasn't. I told her that I felt as if she gave up quickly and didnt give it a chance. I didn't know what to make of it. Right before I left I told her that I love you and can let you go, and she said "good" in a spiteful manner. She never said "I love you" durign the break up. Just that she cares about me and that she'll miss me. I'm just trying to live my life I guess since then, but have her constantly on my mind.

[gersanos]

2 other things that I forgot to mention when we broke up. I did ask her when she began to leave emotionally, and she said that it was over the past two weeks. It was gradual, and she thought that it would just pass but it never did. The other thing is after I made somekind of remark to her. I don't remember what is was exactly, but she said that regardless how healthy our relationship was and how healthy the break up was, that some things are better left unsaid. I don't know if she was making this remark to the comment I made, or if she was hiding something. I don't think it has something to do with cheating since we we're always together, she rarely ever goes out with friends and has limited contact with other people becuase she's a homebody for the most part. Oh well. I'm doing better today with it. Gets easier day by day.

[gersanos]

So I've made my decision to contact her. I wrote a letter yesterday to her with all of my thoughts and emotions on the matter, and then burned it. This was a friends suggestion. It really helped with letting go of some emotions. Today though, I will send her a text message when she's online to see if she is willing to talk for a bit. I want to talk to her about what happened. I am going into this with no expectations. If she's unwilling to talk, then I have my answer. If she is, I will be myself and just let her take my inventory. Just plan on going with the flow of the conversation. I figure it's a win-win situation. Either I get closure and move on, or something gets slowly rekindled by my conversation. I'll follow up and let you guys know how it went. By the way, this board has been of tremendous help to me. I've read over so many posts and have garnished plenty of insight on things. Thanks to all that use this forum.

[findinmyway]

Sounds like a good plan to me. I hope it goes well and you guys don't leave with tension between you, regardless of the outcome. Crossin my fingers that it work out for you two, though. I like fairytale endings.

 

Good luck.

[jmargel]

Gersanos, you two have a lack of effective communication. Read my link that's in my signature, it may help you out.

[gersanos]

Hey guys. So I called and got the answer I needed to receive closure. She was a b#$%h on the phone with me. She said it's just that when school started things wern't the same between us, and that sorry about the timing being off with everyhting going on in my life, but if she doesn't have the interest to put forth the effort into a relationship, then she shouldn't be obligated to be in one. I said that she was right about that. Just tried to be polite, and not rip her head off. I said that lowering interest is cause and effect and what did I do to provoke that and she said nothing. Just the sarcasm hurt her, but that's just the way I am as a person. When she mentioned that "some things are better left unsaid" during our break-up it was in response to a comment that I had made, not something that was being kept secret.

 

She did feel that we we're spending a lot of time together, but she didn't feel that way until the last week of summer (right before school started), and that she didn't mention it to me. I asked about when she suggested we weren't compatible after we bickered for 2.5 days and her being unhappy. I told her I wanted to call her crazy but never did at the time. It seemed to me that it had been going on for a while, and not just surfaced out of nowhere. She said it's not a matter of her being crazy or not, but that she has a right to express what she thinks and feels, and if she's unhappy she has a right to voive that. Again, I was just polite and agreed.

 

Bottom line, she said I did things fine, and that her interest in a relationship wasn't there anymore, and it just suddenly came on when school started. And that's fine, I received the closure I needed. I thanked her for her time and willingness to talk, told her I got the answer I needed, and to take care.

 

Is she having some serious issues here or is that just my thinking? That's just how I feel. She seems absolutely crazy, and it seems that she resents me. Makes me feel better. I totally want to mess with her now, but I won't do that. I'm going to be the bigger person. I know I'll still think about her and the way we we're before school started, but I can move on and eventually time will erase her from my mind. I have this strange feeling that she'll call me, not anytime soon, but down the road. I may be wrong, but just a hunch that I have. By then I won't be around for her though. Any thoughts or feedback on the matter is welcomed.

[findinmyway]

It SOUNDS like you handled it well. I'm curious, are you glad that you called her. To be honest, it sounds better than how I have handled a couple of serious breakups in the past. I think I could have handled things better and moved on more easily if I would have taken your approach.

 

I tend to think you're right, she will call. Especially since you acted ok with things, like you just wanted to know one way or the other, not too needy. I kinda hope she doesn't, it makes things harder. Just be prepared to be strong if she does.

[gersanos]

Well, I handled it very well over the phone. When she raised her voice once with me I said that I don't want to argue with you, I just want to talk. I told her that whatever she tells me won't make me sad, angry, etc. I just want to know these things for my peace of mind. She was very professional, but had an angry tone. Nothing like the girl that I had known. I'm not sure what she's mad about, but clearly it's with me.

 

Earlier that day a friend of mine (who she knows well) texted her over the Internet. I told the fool not to talk with her, but he as well wants to know what the heck happened and wants us back together. Maybe this has been creeping her out, but she has texted him a few times and asked about me. She mentioned the other day to him (he saved a copy of the message for me to look over) that I may feel uncomfortable speaking with her, then right after that she mentioned that she would feel uncomfortable. She said the break-up was kind of mutual, although she did play a bigger role in it, and that when we broke up I told her that I want her out of my life, meaning no contact or friends, but she may have taken that the wrong way. I just want to heal without seeing her or speaking with her. She suggested that maybe it's not ment to be then. Not much to read into. She has asked about me for whatever reason, but what she types is neither a good sign or a bad sign. I don't know if we just had serious miscommunication between and really beat each other up to the point of resentment for those couple of weeks, or if it is something else.

 

Either way, she said that I did nothing wrong, and that she just lost interest when school started, and everything else was great. Last night I felt great, but today I still had a few moments of really missing her and being plain out angry. I guess the rest of those feelings will pass in time. Honestly, a part of me wants to get back with her and a part wants to have nothing to do with her. Yes, I care about her so much and we had way more good times (heck, it was perfect) then bad times, but then those couple of weeks of bad times I lost trust, and was deeply hurt. I go back and forth between these 2 emotions with her. Just being dropped out of nowhere sucks, and her justification is just that she no longer has the interest. Sigh, I got my answer I guess, but after 1 day it's still confusing with me, but I received my answer. Oh well, time will let the rest pass away, regardless of what happens between us in the future.

 

On a side note, many of my friends and including my parents said that I really hurt her and made her want to end it in those 2 weeks by being sort of aggresive (out of emotion) and impatient. Either way I went to the source and whether she lied or told me the truth doesn't matter at this point. I am glad that I did go and just ask her. I'm going to just go out and have fun at this point. I know that I still will need time to heal, and I won't be able to provide another girl what she deserves in a relationship just yet. But flirting and having fun is a different story.

[gersanos]

Another thing I forgot to mention was that we claimed to be best of friends, and even during the break-up she said she feels like she's losing her best friend, I said that she wasn't a friend when all this stuff happened to me in my life because a friend is there for you in time of need and for support. A friend cares and you didn't care. (I side this nicely, no negative tone. She was silent.).

 

We both did mention that maybe we took things too fast. She brought this up first. But I also said that that was a mutual decision, we didn't have much responsibility at the time, and it just felt right so we went along with it. Other than that, that was our entire conversation. It lasted 16 minutes. I was polite and nice eventhough I wanted to snap on her, and she was angry with me. Knowing that does make me feel better, but I do feel like she is or is acting like a spoiled and selfish little princess.

[findinmyway]

Maybe she reacted like she did partially because of how you were acting. She was angry that you were handling it so well. Don't feel bad about that though---regardless of anything, you did the right thing by not overreacting on the phone.

 

Look at it this way---by talking to her and hearing what she had to say, you can move on without reservations of what you should do. She laid it out for you. You shouldn't have any fears that she will see what you are doing as a sign of you just don't want to be with her anymore. She knows how you feel.

 

And, (I don't mean to give you false hope here, by any means, but....) who's to say things won't change and she won't come around. Like you said, call again, who knows what? I hope a little time has passed if she does do that BTW. Point is---maybe you'll be more likely to get on with things in the mean time. And, if she does come back you'll be in a better position. If she doesn't, maybe you'll get over her more quickly.

[gersanos]

I was just wondering, did anyone from my posts think that I was controlling ot manipulative? Her ex was really controlling she always told me. I have read in other posts on the forum about ultimatums and such. My ex told me that I did nothing wrong in the relationship. She angrily told me that she was not interested. I read that ultimatums cause anger and the other party is forced into a situation and just says screw this. I don't think that that is what I did, but am wondering if anyone from the board may have construed it in this sense. My so called "ultimatum" was just that I am confused wit her, that I am going to give her space, and that I do not want to end it. My friends think that that really did me in with her, but was wondering about others' opinions. I really don't think that was the case. Clearing my books out of the locker was a mistake that I do admit to doing, but that was out of angry emotion.

 

I am not going to contact her to try and explain myself about this, even if she took it the wrong way or whatever. I guess I am still trying to learn from this relationship. I don't think about it as much nowadays, and am back to my old form, but I still miss the girl a lot. I guess I still don't understand how everything can go from great to nothing in a couple of weeks, even though I did nothing wrong in the relationship, and she is the one that is now angry and uncomfortable around me after the break-up, even though she made the decision.

[gersanos]

Well, time has passed and now I see my faults. Guess I am not as innocent as I thought I was. Weird how these things come once you have gotten over all the early stages of pain and can think with a clear mind. I did start this whole thing, and it did happen because of miscommunication as was suggested in a previous post.

 

I did lose some interest in her because we were spending too much time together, thus stopped doing the little things and wanted to just be away for a bit. We really did need time apart, at least I know I did, but I think she did as well. She was not dumb, and took note of this stuff right away. But once I saw her start to change around me, I asked her if everything was ok after we were fighting a couple of days on and off. She said all is fine but it didn't seem that way, and I did say that "I don't feel the connection." She freaked on me when I said this to her. Now I see how that was a huge turn-off and freaked her out, even though at the time I had good intentions and was being honest and communicating. That's how all this got started. The rest is minor details after that point.

 

So it really was a matter of lots of miscommunication. I had good intentions, but I have a way of phrasing things that may come across as negative. Something for me to work on for the future. I was willing to work on things on got over my negative cycle and stuff, but I said enough rough things in those 2 weeks for her to lose enough to not want to work on things. I'm not taking it personally and beating myself up about it, but now really understand why it didn't work out. Just wanted to update my thoughts.