Mac2014 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Hi Love Shackers, Long time reader, first time poster. I need some opinions. I am the OW to a MM for about a year and a half now. We see each other just about everyday and text or talk on the phone 24/7. I am 8 years younger than him. Leaving his wife is never something I would ask or pressure him to do. It is something we never talk about, at least until last night. Long story short, he basically told me his plan was to leave and how he was planning on doing it. This completely took me by surprise. I've always thought about the what ifs, but I always thought it would fizzle off at some point. I do love him. More than life. I do see him as someone I could have a future with, but all I can think about is his wife. I know this is hypocritical because her husband is cheating on her with me, but how could I ever put myself in a position to hurt someone like that? Is this for real? I don't know why he would tell me this because it's not like he's trying to appease me. I haven't asked about it. Ever. Has this happened to anybody else?
Praying4Peace Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Is he planning on leaving without telling her about you and the affair?
Author Mac2014 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Is he planning on leaving without telling her about you and the affair? I think he is planning on telling her.
Praying4Peace Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I think he is planning on telling her. They may have gotten a divorce if she didn't know, or if there wasn't an affair but once he tells her I assure you that there will be no divorce.
whichwayisup Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Him telling you he's gonna leave, talk to her, doesn't mean he'll actually do it. You have a few options. End your A with him now and tell him the intimate part of your A is over until he is officially divorced. Allow him time and space to work through a divorce with his wife (do they have children? Are you ready to be their step mom later in the future? And deal with his ex for life since she is their kids mom?) and the stuff to be dealt with afterwards. Or you can continue your A, wait it out and see if he is telling the truth or if he is just giving you hope (which many MM do, not malciously but selfishly to keep their OW into them and hanging on). Or, you can call his wife, tell her you're in love with her husband, that you two have been having an affair and allow her to decide what she wants to do. Fight for her husband or hand him over to you willingly. Or, you can just walk away forever, end your A and find a single guy who will love only you and one who isn't a cheater and a liar. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Hi Love Shackers, Long time reader, first time poster. I need some opinions. I am the OW to a MM for about a year and a half now. We see each other just about everyday and text or talk on the phone 24/7. I am 8 years younger than him. Leaving his wife is never something I would ask or pressure him to do. It is something we never talk about, at least until last night. Long story short, he basically told me his plan was to leave and how he was planning on doing it. This completely took me by surprise. I've always thought about the what ifs, but I always thought it would fizzle off at some point. I do love him. More than life. I do see him as someone I could have a future with, but all I can think about is his wife. I know this is hypocritical because her husband is cheating on her with me, but how could I ever put myself in a position to hurt someone like that? Is this for real? I don't know why he would tell me this because it's not like he's trying to appease me. I haven't asked about it. Ever. Has this happened to anybody else? I see this as a FWB situation and now that the guy is leaving to be with you. perhaps you arent so crazy to be in a real relationship with him. Most OW/OM view the BS as an obstacle to what they really want and really dont take their feelings into consideration whatsoever. I also find it VERY hard to believe that you see yourself haviing a future, yet you never put any pressure on him to leave his marriage? Huh?? It makes no sense, frankly. If anything I am saying is true, just let him know that he shouldnt leave for you, because you have reservations. He is likely going to be very unhappy..... Please forgive me if I am mistaken...just an observation... TFY
Praying4Peace Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 TFY- Perhaps she meant that *she* would never ask or pressure him to get a divorce, but she doesn't mind him making that decision on his own? Most OW don't want to ask the MM to get a divorce...its something they need to do on their own. Which is different than hoping you'll be together one day. I guess Mac can explain her feelings better... P4P
thefooloftheyear Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 TFY- Perhaps she meant that *she* would never ask or pressure him to get a divorce, but she doesn't mind him making that decision on his own? Most OW don't want to ask the MM to get a divorce...its something they need to do on their own. Which is different than hoping you'll be together one day. I guess Mac can explain her feelings better... P4P Really?? I would think that most(all?) OW/OM put some form of pressure on the AP to get out of their situation. Maybe not in the very early stages, but as it goes along I would almost expect it to be mandatory that they do, otherwise why are they in it? Unless its really a FWB and nothing more... TFY 1
thefooloftheyear Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Are you sure he is married? Text all day, talk on the phone 24/7? See each other daily? This guy has a fictitious wife and you bought all of it. An OW with no expectations that accepts her role is rare. There is only one on the board. Why would this guy ruin a perfect OW by talking about divorce? No. You nailed it... TFY
tryingto Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I never asked my ex-MM to leave his wife either. It was something he volunteered and told me the arrangements/timeline he was planning. He first mentioned it approximately 6 months into the A. Long story short, several "timelines" came and went, the first one because of an understandable issue. Then the next couple of excuses became weaker and weaker. A little over 3 years into the A, I ended it because it became glaringly apparent that he was never going to follow through on his plans and I was finally tired of the A dynamic. I hope this is not the case for you, but... the majority of MM don't leave.
tryingto Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Really?? I would think that most(all?) OW/OM put some form of pressure on the AP to get out of their situation. Maybe not in the very early stages, but as it goes along I would almost expect it to be mandatory that they do, otherwise why are they in it? Unless its really a FWB and nothing more... TFY So true. I had not gotten to the point that I was pressuring him (although it would've happened eventually). I know if he hadn't mislead me, I would've ended the A much earlier regardless of how much I loved him. I assume he realized it too and that's why he volunteered his "plans", to keep me engaged in the relationship longer. And it worked, I kept thinking that if I were patient, we would finally have a chance at a real relationship. The last time he was going to move and didn't, was the end. I finally realized no matter how I felt about him, he never cared for me in a manner I deserved...
Author Mac2014 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Just to clear a few things up. No children are involved. He has been married for around two years. I have never accepted my role as the other woman. I've never felt the need to pressure him to leave. I am a senior in college so over the last year and a half I haven't wanted or needed a huge commitment. Now I do. It's absolutely something I wanted him to do on his own. I felt that if I pressured and he left he would one day resent me. Our relationship did not become the constant contact and visits until around February.
BrokenPrincess Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Are you sure he is married? Text all day, talk on the phone 24/7? See each other daily? This guy has a fictitious wife and you bought all of it. Woah! Never would've thought of that!!! Although I did also wonder his they see each other that much?? Mac, maybe it's just because you've only briefly described your situation, but I don't get the sense you really want to be with your MM. Maybe that's why you've NEVER asked him about heaving his W? Being concerned about hurting her due to D seems very odd since you've been sleeping with her H for a year and a half.
whichwayisup Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Just to clear a few things up. No children are involved. He has been married for around two years. I have never accepted my role as the other woman. I've never felt the need to pressure him to leave. I am a senior in college so over the last year and a half I haven't wanted or needed a huge commitment. Now I do. It's absolutely something I wanted him to do on his own. I felt that if I pressured and he left he would one day resent me. Our relationship did not become the constant contact and visits until around February. Then he should just divorce as his marriage has been a big lie. You say you've been having an A with him for a year and a half, he's been married for 2 years. Are you saying that the actual (physical part) started this past February? So it was an EA for over a year first? Well, maybe he will leave. He should confess to his wife. 1
spice4life Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 (edited) Just to clear a few things up. No children are involved. He has been married for around two years. I have never accepted my role as the other woman. I've never felt the need to pressure him to leave. I am a senior in college so over the last year and a half I haven't wanted or needed a huge commitment. Now I do. It's absolutely something I wanted him to do on his own. I felt that if I pressured and he left he would one day resent me. Our relationship did not become the constant contact and visits until around February. Hmm. Its really hard to say without really knowing the guy. He may or may not be serious. I would just continue with your life and not take what he says as serious unless he backs it up with actions. If he means what he says he will show you. On the other more common hand, it could just be a tactic to keep you hooked because he knows the clock is running out. If this is the case then his plans to leave will be frought with delays and excuses to string you along. If it were me, I would take it with a grain of salt unless he proves otherwise. Do not put your life on hold based on his words alone. Continue with your life and stay true to yur own time tables. Edited April 29, 2013 by spice4life
ComingInHot Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Mac, Maybe you could talk to someone who has a few more years of life under their belt who might offer some insight into what You are doing and why as well as this MM. What about telling your mom or dad? *
Got it Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I see this as a FWB situation and now that the guy is leaving to be with you. perhaps you arent so crazy to be in a real relationship with him. Most OW/OM view the BS as an obstacle to what they really want and really dont take their feelings into consideration whatsoever. I also find it VERY hard to believe that you see yourself haviing a future, yet you never put any pressure on him to leave his marriage? Huh?? It makes no sense, frankly. If anything I am saying is true, just let him know that he shouldnt leave for you, because you have reservations. He is likely going to be very unhappy..... Please forgive me if I am mistaken...just an observation... TFY Why would you assume that he is leaving for her? Maybe he is done with the marriage? Maybe he has realized that if he can have an affair, then he doesn't care about the marriage? Why do you assume that that the OP put any pressure about a future? He seems to have decided that he wants to divorce. Kudos for him for making a decision.
Got it Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Are you sure he is married? Text all day, talk on the phone 24/7? See each other daily? This guy has a fictitious wife and you bought all of it. An OW with no expectations that accepts her role is rare. There is only one on the board. Why would this guy ruin a perfect OW by talking about divorce? No. This is quite a leap of logic. I texted and talked to dMM at all times. I assure you he was/is not fictional.
Goodbye Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I never asked my ex-MM to leave his wife either. It was something he volunteered and told me the arrangements/timeline he was planning. He first mentioned it approximately 6 months into the A. Long story short, several "timelines" came and went, the first one because of an understandable issue. Then the next couple of excuses became weaker and weaker. A little over 3 years into the A, I ended it because it became glaringly apparent that he was never going to follow through on his plans and I was finally tired of the A dynamic. I hope this is not the case for you, but... the majority of MM don't leave. Exactly. This is quite typical, unfortunately.
thefooloftheyear Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Why would you assume that he is leaving for her? Maybe he is done with the marriage? Maybe he has realized that if he can have an affair, then he doesn't care about the marriage? Why do you assume that that the OP put any pressure about a future? He seems to have decided that he wants to divorce. Kudos for him for making a decision. Im not sure I get your point... I guess the only thing I drew from this is finding it hard to believe that anyone in an affair relationship would NEVER put any pressure on the MP? That just seems unlikely, I would think, no? TFY
Got it Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Im not sure I get your point... I guess the only thing I drew from this is finding it hard to believe that anyone in an affair relationship would NEVER put any pressure on the MP? That just seems unlikely, I would think, no? TFY No. What I am saying he may have decided to divorce because he wants to divorce not for the OW. You are making the assumption that he is wanting to divorce for her. And there are OP who do not want their AP to leave and are very happy with status quo.
Got it Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 This man that has been married for two years with no kids and has been having an affair for 1.5 out of the two years of marriage (assuming he is actually married). A leap of logic would be to give the OP hope. The man is clearly a loser. I once crossed the beltway (495) in Washington DC with my eyes closed while crawling at night and did not get hit by a car:laugh::laugh:. You are making your point with a personal anecdote and comparing the dead marriage of a very old man with the situation of OP. An exception to the rule is a poor manner to make a point. Young newly wed people spend time together. I don't know how OP spends every single moment with her cheating MM unless she is exaggerating. A very old man!?! Who is old? And I SERIOUSLY doubt your 495 story unless that was back in the 70s when it was first built. You said that because she has access to him all the time it must mean the wife is fake. I disagree and surmise you are taking a fantastic leap of logic.
Got it Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I once jumped from a 5th floor apartment building and did not break any bones when i hit the ground. However, I would not advise anyone to do that. GI, I am simply telling you that personal anecdotes are meaningless and should not be replacement of sound logic. Whether the man is married or not he is a loser and OP is a very young woman with options. She should run away from this poor excuse of a man. Pierre, you can argue around it but you posted that the wife is fictional. I was arguing that point. My personal experience is not meaningless as it disputes your line of argument as a fact. You can post, "I think this guy is not worth your time because of .. . " or "my opinion is . . . " and that is opinion. You write as if factual and it is not. And then you try to gaslight to change the original argument. And I doubt your jumping story as much as your 495 story as well. Any other straw men arguments you care to throw out. You are on a roll.
Moemone Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 WOW!! He is only married for two years, in a relationship with you for a year and a half, that tells alot about him.
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