SiaLv82 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I have a bit of a situation. A guy that I have been casually seeing and after a bit of discussion is now supposedly moving towards relationship...has a habit of calling my friends hot. We are in our 30's not 20's. While I do have attractive friends, I think it is totally inappropriate to talk about it like I am one of the guys. This is the second time he has said something. Basically tonight it was about a close friend of mine and he made the comment in such a way that it made me feel horrible. It isn't like an oh she is a pretty girl....He says it more like he is totally taken back by how amazing she looks...Its not right. I was pretty upset tonight and left his place early. I was planning on sending him a text explaining we wont be seeing each other again but we have been casually dating for the last four months so i am having a hard time bringing myself to it. I am right, right? This isn't something I should pursue.
Author SiaLv82 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Yes you are right. He will probably start showing other disrespectful behaviors (I find guys that do this inappropriate talk rarely just do that) if he hasnt already. Me personally, Im not into men that have verbal diarrhea and no filter...does he say other inappropriate things? Im sure some men will respond here and convince you otherwise but really, they wouldnt tolerate their girlfriend going on about their friends' looks. Thank you. I agree and just sent off an email to thank him for his time but I'll be moving in another direction. I had a few other issues with him besides so this is truly for the best. I just had to get the guts to hit send 2
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Thank you. I agree and just sent off an email to thank him for his time but I'll be moving in another direction. I had a few other issues with him besides so this is truly for the best. I just had to get the guts to hit send You broke him with him over email? Sounds like you're both pretty immature.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Kids these days. They don't want to do the important stuff face to face but I guess it wasn't that important if it could be done by email. Yeah except that she's in her 30s and was complaining about the guy being immature. Sounds like they're a match for each other after all.
D-Lish Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I am right, right? This isn't something I should pursue Yes, You are right not to pursue it, listen to your instincts, they are seldom wrong. There is something wrong with a guy that feels the need to mention to the girl he is dating, that her friends are "hot". It's not appropriate, cool or respectful at all. 3
Dudesmobile Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 (edited) I would give this guy another chance. You have to tell him he screwed up big time. I am in a relationship right now where if I even talk to another one of my girlfriends friends who is a girl then I get yelled at big time for this. That's why I always make sure I say how beautiful she is every single day so she knows that I am in the relationship for her and not someone else. This guy screwed up big time by saying your friend was beautiful. He should be saying your beautiful every single day to your face. I am conditioned to do this but if you really want to be with this person maybe you should tell him he screwed up big time and then ignore him a couple of hours/maybe a day and he will completely change his attitude. You have to nip this bad behavior in the butt if you really want to be with this person. My girlfriend did this for me and now im like an angel. Some people may say i have no balls for this comment, but I do and I do stand my ground on some topics. This method does works for some people and may not for others. Just never let him know your doing this or bad behavior will increase. I found out but my girl doesn't know it yet and I like this method anyways since it works. Good luck Edited April 29, 2013 by Dudesmobile
Noproblem Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 and so what if he said a girl is hot or really beautiful! The silent ones are the one who cheat, lie and even kill! So deal with his compliment and don't be that jealous Some girls are hot and beautiful, end of story!
Treasa Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 You did the right thing. He's not someone worth pursuing something with. And once they get into their 30s, it's not likely they're going to change much, if at all.
Reiko Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Everyone has different levels of comfort about this sort of thing. Whether he thinks another girl is hot or not or says it or not is -somewhat- irrelevant; what IS relevant is the lack of respect. If he knows it makes you uncomfortable, yet does it anyway, that is disrespectful. It's as simple as that. As you've mentioned that there were other things that bothered you as well, it sounds like you did the right thing. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 There are ways to comment someone's friends without being disrespectful and there are ways to be considerate about someone's feelings without coming off as sleazy. What he did is unfortunate but it's also unacceptable that he's done it multiple times. It can be forgiven if it was a slip of the mouth but to repeatedly say comments that undermines the girl he's dating tells much about his character. Pay attention to your instincts because only you can set the boundaries of the type of behavior you find acceptable or not. Some people forgive and forget but other people try not to be doormats. And you shouldn't let 4 months be a deciding factor of sticking around for someone you clearly disagree with. You may have invested time but if you do decide to leave him, it could save you alot more- such as heartache. 1
JessieJ08 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Yeah I think its the best choice to just stop dating him. Could you imagine being serious with him? and he is saying your friends are hot he clearly has a wandering eye and not just that he lets you know what he thinks of them and he is dating you Ew... Very Disrespectful 1
Keenly Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Or maybe he just wants a relationship that has 100% communication trust and doesn't suffer from petty insecurities.
StanMusial Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I have a bit of a situation. A guy that I have been casually seeing and after a bit of discussion is now supposedly moving towards relationship...has a habit of calling my friends hot. We are in our 30's not 20's. While I do have attractive friends, I think it is totally inappropriate to talk about it like I am one of the guys. This is the second time he has said something. Basically tonight it was about a close friend of mine and he made the comment in such a way that it made me feel horrible. It isn't like an oh she is a pretty girl....He says it more like he is totally taken back by how amazing she looks...Its not right. I was pretty upset tonight and left his place early. I was planning on sending him a text explaining we wont be seeing each other again but we have been casually dating for the last four months so i am having a hard time bringing myself to it. I am right, right? This isn't something I should pursue. He sounds like an idiot. Just because they are hot doesn't mean he has to express his opinion on the topic to you of all people. Especially if he is pursuing a relationship with you. It would be different if you were an old married couple... a good friend of mine points out hot girls to his wife but he's been married to his childhood sweetheart for years and years. She doesn't care, she knows he isn't going to try anything and that if he did he would crash and burn LOL.
todreaminblue Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I have a bit of a situation. A guy that I have been casually seeing and after a bit of discussion is now supposedly moving towards relationship...has a habit of calling my friends hot. We are in our 30's not 20's. While I do have attractive friends, I think it is totally inappropriate to talk about it like I am one of the guys. This is the second time he has said something. Basically tonight it was about a close friend of mine and he made the comment in such a way that it made me feel horrible. It isn't like an oh she is a pretty girl....He says it more like he is totally taken back by how amazing she looks...Its not right. I was pretty upset tonight and left his place early. I was planning on sending him a text explaining we wont be seeing each other again but we have been casually dating for the last four months so i am having a hard time bringing myself to it. I am right, right? This isn't something I should pursue. with my first ex i ignored the red flags...tried to concentrate on the positives and characteristics that were good...i would ask him to stop and he would....but it was in the way he looked at my friends i should not have not ignored........i pretty much thought it was par for the course.....i worked in a meat market industry........ I would now, though not ignore these telling signs......its not good to ignore a definite red flag...deb
StanMusial Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 That is a good point. However, as a man who takes a woman's feelings into consideration, I would never throw someone elses "hotness" in her face. Why would I do that? Why would I think that is something she would want to hear from me? What purpose does it serve for me to say things like that to someone I'm dating? I think some guys see a hot female and lose all control of their faculties. Including their pie-hole. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 This guy didn't take her seriously anyway, this is the straw that broke the camels back people, not the sole reason. How many women do you know just break up with a guy after "casually" dating a guy for 4 months over one red flag?...sadly it's usually about 100 red flags by then and yet still need to build the courage to actually leave. What a catch!
Author SiaLv82 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 wow I am a little taken back by the amount of responses received. First off, thank you all for providing me with your thoughts on the situation. As for those that feel that I am immature for "breaking up" over an e-mail, it was more of a "zero tolerance response" to something that regardless of status is a total lack of respect. He is not my "friend" so he should not be speaking to me as if he is in the company of his buddies. To add to the storyline: In the four months that we have been talking I had a short two week period of not being sure of things. Apparently he ended up taking another girl out for dinner because in his own word "I blew him off" and the opportunity was there so why not. The red flags wave due to the fact that during the time he was taking her out he was still continuously contacting me. If it wasn't for a tag she made of them I would never have known due to his continued persistence. So to the men on this post you can tell me from your own perspective if you find this a little off as well. So now back to that night: On the way home after this friend comment we end up driving by this girl's house. He not only looks over at her place but stares in a manner that was quite obvious to me that he still has some sort of hang up on this girl. So I send off this e-mail as you all know and get a call from him apologizing and wanting to stop over. I declined and received another text this next morning and again tonight. Now, that I have you all on board and have hopefully someone that may see things a bit more in-depth than I, can you please tell me why a man would continue persisting in this manner for four months but then say the things he has and act in the above situations as he has? I am confused and something just does not feel right about the situation. And no he is not getting anything besides what most would deem as second base --so not that. This isn't insecurities speaking rather logic and confusion as to why he continuously hounds me to get together if there are other "incidents" that show his level of true interest. Whatever you think of me, that is fine. If you can clear this cloud of confusion then your words are gold. Spin the perspective. Thanks. 1
Author SiaLv82 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) I agree. He tried to tell me he was joking with the first time and the second time it just slipped. However, that compiled on top of the stare-down on the way home makes me truly reconsider his intentions. You may be right with ego. I don't think he has much to lose by not speaking to me but maybe there are underlining insecurity issues that are making him stay around even when he isn't 100% invested. His level of pursuit and his actions just don't jive as explained above. I have yet to call him in four months because he has pretty much taken up the liberty of making the calls, yet I have these situations to tend too....just all very odd. Edited May 1, 2013 by SiaLv82 missed word
Dudesmobile Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I agree. He tried to tell me he was joking with the first time and the second time it just slipped. However, that compiled on top of the stare-down on the way home makes me truly reconsider his intentions. You may be right with ego. I don't think he has much to lose by not speaking to me but maybe there are underlining insecurity issues that are making him stay around even when he isn't 100% invested. His level of pursuit and his actions just don't jive as explained above. I have yet to call him in four months because he has pretty much taken up the liberty of making the calls, yet I have these situations to tend too....just all very odd. A true man loves his girl no matter what happens and will always stick by her and defend her. If he really liked you he would not have went out with the other girl. This is coming from a virgin's perspective but I was given an opportunity for sex the other night by some random girl my friend brought over cuz he brought over two girls which was a big no no for me. i thought well what harm could they do were just playing video games. So when the offer came I politely declined because I was together with another girl and I loved her more then anything. So all in all even if this guy is not a virgin he still shouldn't have done that just to get sex. Some men just want sex, which yeah I do want to experience sex, but its not important to force sex on a girl, what is important is companionship. I would rather have my girlfriend be comfortable then force it on her. I am probably gonna loose hella man points for saying this. I am in my early 20's and I know better. Men who just want sex have no respect for women who are trying to find a decent guy. It's called prostitution people! If you really want to go after some random girl to have sex there are websites for this where you can meetup. What he did to you was just wrong and I am glad you have kept to your guard up and ignored his texts and calls. Sorry if I rambled on, but my values need to be heard and i think when you do find the right guy he will love you for you and not care about sex. Sure everyone wants it, but its something the girl has to decide on and if its shes found the right guy or not. Otherwise guys just go pay for random sex and stop ruining things for the rest of us who wants relationships with girls and not sex. I'm tired of men in this society using women for sex. They are our companions and we should treat them as equals and only have sex with them if they want it. Down to negative 100 man points. I am gonna stop my ranting. I hope you find a nice decent man who will appreciate you for you and call u beautiful everyday
hppr Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 No such thing as a casual 'relationship.' You have a casual sexual agreement. If you want a guy who doesn't comment on how much hotter your friends are then go out and get a guy who wants you for you, rather than a guy who is just looking for NSA.
hppr Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Say what you want, but a guy with class who really likes you wont make comments like that. ESPECIALLY in the beginning stages of dating. Thats when someone is trying to impress you. This behavior will increase most likely if they did get into a relationship. Whatever issues you ahve in the beginning usually magnify as time goes on and the person becomes comfortable. I have never dated a guy or seen others date a guy who displays this sort of disrespect magically become a better person as time goes on. Guys make comments about other women all the time it just depends on the sots of comments and the context vs. how secure they both are. Oftentimes when one person thinks they have something that they really don't relationship wise, or they are really insecure, comments about how pretty someone else is won't go over too well.
Author SiaLv82 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 No such thing as a casual 'relationship.' You have a casual sexual agreement. If you want a guy who doesn't comment on how much hotter your friends are then go out and get a guy who wants you for you, rather than a guy who is just looking for NSA. Understand hppr, but what if it is the woman who made it casual in the first place. I had other commitments in the beginning. What I can say about him is that with that aspect he was very respectful. Fine dining all the way without any expectations. The physical aspect has been only more recent. He has stated he wanted more than something casual. My concern is due to his recent behavior if flags are there to avoid even trying.
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 You totally did the right thing. Good job! If only more women would act this way there'd be less male douches!
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Two comments and a look over 4 months and he's a douche? You need to calm down. Yes, he is a douche. If a woman behaved in the manner he did there would be posts from 20 different men on this site saying she has bad character. Men tend to expect to be able to get away with this sort of behavior while women are belitted for it. The OP said he had other problems as well. Me thinks he did other rude stuff on top of this which is usually the case...
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