Does it matter who they cheated with? This is a rant

[DarkPrince]

To me it did. My wife was a serial cheater for the first 6 years of our relationship. I know of some of the guys and Im sure there are ones I dont know about and never will.

As stupid as it sounds I could have gotten over all that. It was this one particular guy that she had a year long EA/PA with that I couldnt deal with.

 

After I found out about them, she ended it, and I know she hasnt cheated since. I know all the signs now so I would know if she did. Im pretty much an expert now.

 

So now its been 8 years since that affair, and Im still disguisted by it. I thought that as time went on, Id get over it, but its actually going the other way.

 

This guy was nasty in every single way, and the thought of his seed swimming around inside my wife makes me want to vomit. To this day I still look at her in utter disgused that she could have given her body to him, repeatedly.

 

I lost all respect for her after that and thought Id be able to gain it back but I havent.

 

I think that if she cheated with a normal guy I could at least relate to her being human and having bad will power etc. But with this guy, I just cant even imagine. I mean its like me going out and having sex with an 80 yr old crackhead bag lady that hasnt bathed in 6 months.

Like I said her other flings didnt bother me but I still cant get over the fact that I unwillingly shared my wife;s vagina with that disguisting thing.

 

ok rant over. Yeah I know 8 years, either get over it or move on with my life and find someone else. We have an autistic son together who plays a major role in things, and yeah I know its not helping him. I just wish I could get the images out of my head but after 8 years I dont think they are going anywhere. She's been faithful ever since but I still see a nasty whore when I look at her.

 

and the clincher was when she had sex with him when I was right upstairs, and she came back home all used up, and when I asked her for some love, she told me in a nasty voice that she 'wasnt in the mood'. Thats something ill never be able to get over.

Edited April 29, 2013 by DarkPrince

[2sure]

My x was a serial cheater. So, I completely understand when you say you have been able to get past most of them. With a serial cheater, you can't take it personally because it isn't about you or who they cheated with.

 

And I also get how you don't take it personally but can be completely confused or disgusted by some of their choices. It's almost as if " seriously? This one?"

Not taking it personally, but you chose this??

 

I understand the conflict. I'm sure it was because she was completely screwed up.

 

Not first hand , but I also understand some of the conflict of having a child with disabilities. I have been told that the divorce rate is high because of the stress and that unhappy marriages even higher due to the tag team parenting required.

 

My question is, do you think that ,....the marriage is stressful, you can't blame your kid, so your focusing your anger someplace that feels more valid?

 

And I'm just starting a conversation, brain storming, not accusing.

[Toddbt12y1]

In ways it does matter. In ways it doesn't matter at all. The fact remains that they cheated. It doesn't settle the dust by the end of the day, any better. They went out of the relationship. They broke vows. They lied or did whatever it was possible to keep their own image intact. They slept with my brother, or they slept with a dear friend(make no mistake, it hurts more when it is this...but..) in the end it is still the same. A hurtful cheat in the end.

 

I really do not know what else to say? I am pretty much given up on the idea of the "cheater." It seems as though they are victimized, protected, and somewhat encouraged by society, of our time. So...it seems in the end as if it where a "why bother? No justice, no shame." So-what then if they slept with my best-friend or someone I didn't even know...Or if they did it if I was there or not...It is all the same. Something that hurts ME. Something that in the end...I have to shoulder.

 

No one else will care beyond the typical care. It is a burden I have to deal with, regardless of whom they slept with. Of how they slept with them, or where. It is a miserable deed, and it just hurts...That makes it all the same...That's all I really know...

[BeholdtheMan]

I lost all respect for her after that and thought Id be able to gain it back but I havent.

 

This guy was nasty in every single way, and the thought of his seed swimming around inside my wife makes me want to vomit. To this day I still look at her in utter disgused that she could have given her body to him, repeatedly.

 

She's been faithful ever since but I still see a nasty whore when I look at her.

 

I'm reading these lines and shaking my head...not because your disgust is unjustified, but because despite your intense revulsion, you chose to stay with her ???

 

Reconciliation doesn't work like that. Either you forgive her and fully commit to reconciling or accept that you can't deal with the disgust and move on.

 

I have no idea why you're wasting your life. Ever thought of spending you life with someone you're not utterly disgusted with?

[carhill]

Relevant to the title, IMO it (an affair) would feel far more elementally brutal if it were with someone one knew and trusted, like a close friend or family member.

 

Relevant to the rant, if your choice is to continue, I'd strongly suggest professional counseling with a psychologist to assist you in processing those images in your mind, as well as the attendant emotions. I suggest this because, in your own words, it's been 8 years and things seem to be getting worse instead of better. Life is short.

[whichwayisup]

I'm reading these lines and shaking my head...not because your disgust is unjustified, but because despite your intense revulsion, you chose to stay with her ???

 

Reconciliation doesn't work like that. Either you forgive her and fully commit to reconciling or accept that you can't deal with the disgust and move on.

 

I have no idea why you're wasting your life. Ever thought of spending you life with someone you're not utterly disgusted with?

 

In this case, circumstances do come into play. Having an autistic child is not easy, especially if their child is used to routine and having both parents around, separating and divorcing is much harder to do. not impossible though..With the help of therapy and lots of support, working together to make sure their child adjusts, it can be done. won't be easy that's for sure.

 

DP, you will always have to deal with and see your (maybe ex) wife because of your child. I hope one day you can respect her as the mother of your child.

[dichotomy]

You say she ended things and has not cheated once in 8 years. This also occurred within the first 6 months of your marriage and you caught it.

 

Did your wife go through some unhealthy phase of her life as she met you and married you? Has she changed, grown, or learned from this? Is she the same woman now? Would she go back to this life if you divorced? Did you go through therapy? Does she understand why she did this and has regret or shame?

 

and how is she as a wife now? Loving? Sexual with you? a good partner?

 

There is no such thing as forgive and forget, and you can't go back to what was before an affair. But if there is growth and change....

Edited April 29, 2013 by dichotomy

[DarkPrince]

The real reason I dont leave her is that I am afraid to. Ive been with her since I was 19. Im 35 now. She's 49. She's been with a ton of guys before me, and Ive only been with 2 women before her.

Im just scared to go out on my own. She's been through stuff like this a million times, but its brand new to me. She knows this and uses it to control me.

[CantgetoveritNY]

The real reason I dont leave her is that I am afraid to. Ive been with her since I was 19. Im 35 now. She's 49. She's been with a ton of guys before me, and Ive only been with 2 women before her.

Im just scared to go out on my own. She's been through stuff like this a million times, but its brand new to me. She knows this and uses it to control me.

 

Have you been to counseling? You need to talk to someone about being dependent upon her. She will feel free to walk all over you when you need her so much. You need to get to feeling that you will be ok without her. Not so that you can be without her but so that you can be ok. You may end up wanting to be without her but first and foremost you have to know you will be ok without her. Otherwise the rest of your life is going to be a miserable dependent situation. Even if you end up staying with her you don't want it to be as a dependent victim. If you can be ok without her your relationship with her will be far better.

[DarkPrince]

Have you been to counseling? You need to talk to someone about being dependent upon her. She will feel free to walk all over you when you need her so much. You need to get to feeling that you will be ok without her. Not so that you can be without her but so that you can be ok. You may end up wanting to be without her but first and foremost you have to know you will be ok without her. Otherwise the rest of your life is going to be a miserable dependent situation. Even if you end up staying with her you don't want it to be as a dependent victim. If you can be ok without her your relationship with her will be far better.

 

she'll never go to counseling. She doesnt want me to be infependant. SHe's afraid of that. She's afraid that becuase she;s getting older that I will eventually leave her for a younger woman.

Lately we've been getting into alot of fights, and not getting along well in general. Everytime I tell her something good that happens in one of my classes in college, I can tell it bothers her.

Ill be honest. If I was more experienced, and more confident I probably would leave her. (not becuase of her age, but her affairs, lack of regret for them, and constantly controlling my emotions) but Im not experienced and confident. Women like me, in fact most people like me in general, but Im just way too scared to take that first leap.

15 years Ive been with her. The first half of our relationship she cheate don me with at least 10 other men. That I know of. She's always thought of me as a stupid inexperienced kid. Now that she;s getting older and doesnt look as good I think she;s worried, and doesnt know what to do.

[2sure]

The real reason I dont leave her is that I am afraid to. Ive been with her since I was 19. Im 35 now. She's 49. She's been with a ton of guys before me, and Ive only been with 2 women before her.

Im just scared to go out on my own. She's been through stuff like this a million times, but its brand new to me. She knows this and uses it to control me.

 

I really respect that you are willing able to put this out there. So many times we post a problem were having and have trouble talking about the stuff beneath it...which is what we really need to talk about.

 

You have a lot of history here, you're afraid of the unknown. This is natural and probably a big part of what keeps marriages together during hard periods.

 

It sounds like you know and are able to articulate exactly what you need from her. Respect and encouragement.

 

You also have thought about what she wants from you. Validation , and security.

 

Are you able to put these things on the table and talk about them?

[DarkPrince]

I really respect that you are willing able to put this out there. So many times we post a problem were having and have trouble talking about the stuff beneath it...which is what we really need to talk about.

 

You have a lot of history here, you're afraid of the unknown. This is natural and probably a big part of what keeps marriages together during hard periods.

 

It sounds like you know and are able to articulate exactly what you need from her. Respect and encouragement.

 

You also have thought about what she wants from you. Validation , and security.

 

Are you able to put these things on the table and talk about them?

I honestly dont know if it would make a difference. The thing about this whole relationship is that I 'feel' like an inexperienced kid. Even at 35 I still feel like a goofy 19 year old when Im with her. I really dont like that feeling anymore. When I talk to other guys my age I feel like they are leaps and bounds ahead of me. I feel like I have more in common with the college aged kids in my classes, than I do with the 'older students'.

When people meet us they think she's my mom. Seriously. I dont even know what to do anymore. Maybe a part of me want to experience life a little. I had very little confidence and self esteem when I met her (hence the reason she cheated on me so much and I put up with it)

Now Im a bit more confident, and I dont think she likes that.

One more thing and this isnt directed at you 2sure, but your free to reply of course. I made a thread on another forum Im more well known on, and someone came on and described my wife to a tee, said his ex wife was like that and she had Borderline Personality Disorder.

Im wondering if that is whats wrong with her. If I copy paste the quote, actually I will below. I know its alot of stuff to post in a thread, but wow, its blowing my mind that this could actaully be the reason she is the way she is for all these years.

Here's what he asked me and my answers were in bol

"Does she act like you are either all good or all bad (no shades or gray)?

 

YES!!! Exactly what she does!!! Im either the best guy on the planet in every way possible, or Im the biggest peice of ****, and she can find a bum on the street that would treat her better.

 

Does she go into these rages without warning?

 

I can now see it building up, but its like a switch, and once its flipped, there is no turning back. The roller coaster has started and its too late to get off of it.

 

Does she have a fear or abandonment?

 

She has an insane fear of abandonment. She actually has nightmares about it almost every night. I hear her scream at night and the next day she'll tell me she was being left behind by either me, her parents, or one of her exes.

 

Does she come off as a different person for different people and only you notice it?

 

Yes she puts on show for everyone. Its very obvious to me. Others pick up on it too, and the only ones that stick around are the ones who see they can use her.

 

My last wife (passed away from chronic alcoholism) had borderline personality disorder. Some of the things you mentioned were eerily similar to what I experienced."

[2sure]

You both might find out some surprising things about yourself if you seperate.

 

You might find out that you are a real and valid grown up and she might find out that she is not more lonely without you.

 

Anyway you can do that and successfully co parent your son?

[CantgetoveritNY]

she'll never go to counseling. She doesnt want me to be infependant. SHe's afraid of that. She's afraid that becuase she;s getting older that I will eventually leave her for a younger woman.

Lately we've been getting into alot of fights, and not getting along well in general. Everytime I tell her something good that happens in one of my classes in college, I can tell it bothers her.

Ill be honest. If I was more experienced, and more confident I probably would leave her. (not becuase of her age, but her affairs, lack of regret for them, and constantly controlling my emotions) but Im not experienced and confident. Women like me, in fact most people like me in general, but Im just way too scared to take that first leap.

15 years Ive been with her. The first half of our relationship she cheate don me with at least 10 other men. That I know of. She's always thought of me as a stupid inexperienced kid. Now that she;s getting older and doesnt look as good I think she;s worried, and doesnt know what to do.

 

You do NOT need her to go with you to counseling. The kind of advice and help you need is individual counseling. Build yourself up. Not you in the relationship. You have enough dependency already.

 

She should feel threatened. She lied and cheated and is not remorseful. If you have some self esteem and feelings of ability to be ok by yourself you would dump her. Or she would have to change. Right now she can use you as a door mat and play thing.

[dreamingoftigers]

Relevant to the title, IMO it (an affair) would feel far more elementally brutal if it were with someone one knew and trusted, like a close friend or family member.

 

Relevant to the rant, if your choice is to continue, I'd strongly suggest professional counseling with a psychologist to assist you in processing those images in your mind, as well as the attendant emotions. I suggest this because, in your own words, it's been 8 years and things seem to be getting worse instead of better. Life is short.

 

I found EMDR to be useful in disrupting the images.

[DarkPrince]

Its weird because Im sittin gher at school, and tere are all these girls that are being flirtatious with me. (I guess working out and having ripped muscles helps alot) but I feel like Im not worthy of all the positive attention. I feel like damaged goods.

I feel like I should be getting these girls numbers and flirting back with them. (my wife last night broke up with me again, and is saying how Ill never be able to find another women like her, and I think its stuck in my head)

All I can think about is her. I am so emotionally dependant on her it makes me sick.

At the same time I hate her and wish nothign more that I could just move on and enjoy my life like most guys in my shoes would be more than willing to do.

I had an old friend bump into me the other day. He saw my transformation (he hadnt seen me in years) and he was like floored. He kept saying boy if I looked like you Id be going around with every hot girl in town and enjoying every minute of it. I sure as hell wouldnt waste my life on that crazy wife of yours. (he knows of our past)

Yet while I know this is sound advice, I just have the hardest time doing it.

I feel so down and depressed all the time.

I know Im in for another few nights of unbridled rage, and Im worried about that. I know that this has to end. Everyone that knows me says it has to end. One way or another.

I feel like Im in a street gang and everyone is telling me I only have 2 choices in this life, jail or death.

She called the cops on me last night to scare me, and it worked. She likes to remind me that she can have me thrown in jail at any time she likes. She will hurt herself and tell the police I did it to her.

I dont want to go to jail. I have purchases a few hidden cams, and pencams that I keep on me when she gets like this. I need to do this just in case I need to defend myself against allegations of abuse.

I record most of her rages and upload them onto a private youtube account.

I dont know what else to do .

Im supposed to be studying for a huge Final exam tonight and I cant study for anything.

I have a computer at home but I come to the computer study area on my campus just to get away from her.

This al comes down to my fear of being alone. She might be BPD, but I think I also have a fear of abandonment, or maybe I just dont want her to have me thrown in jail once she realizes I am leaving for good.

Im going to stop typing now, this has to be a long post by now, and I could go on for days with this crap.

Im afraid that if I dont end it the right way its going to end in a traggic way. Im seriously scared to death of that. She's not getting better with her rage, she's getting worse, and Im comign to the conclusion that nothign I do will ever be enough for her.

The hurtful things she says in her rages are things I wouldnt say to my worst enemy. They hurt so bad I cant even respond with words. I just want to escape from the feelings of pain her words bring.

[Darren Steez]

The real reason I dont leave her is that I am afraid to. Ive been with her since I was 19. Im 35 now. She's 49. She's been with a ton of guys before me, and Ive only been with 2 women before her.

Im just scared to go out on my own. She's been through stuff like this a million times, but its brand new to me. She knows this and uses it to control me.

 

You are still relatively young, you have one life..currently it's a life filled with bitterness and contempt for her. You two have a son together, you can raise him while separated because surely for both your pieces of mind it's better that you two are apart if the marriage is essentially dead.

 

You say are scared, of what? You're not alone, you have your son and an opportunity to start fresh and find someone you can respect and love. I can't imagine you like to come home to a toxic environment, every time you look at her feeling/seeing nasty thoughts flash through your head?

[drifter777]

DarkPrince:

 

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." - Ecclesiastes 3:1

 

So, you're finally ready to face the painful emotions you've hidden all this time. You are seeing clearly just how callus, hurtful, and selfish she was then and just hasn't changed all that much. Be thankful that it didn't take more than 8 years - it could have haunted you for many more.

 

I understand your fear, but it's a false fear. The security your marriage to her seems to offers you is an illusion because security cannot be based on another person's acceptance of you. You need IC; you need to focus on yourself. You don't need her to be whole. You will find your courage.

 

As far as your rage regarding the one piece of sh*t she screwed, I think it may simply represent the rage you feel toward the whole thing. Our minds work in strange ways and they try to protect us sometimes by masking those thoughts that are too painful to face. This OM may be scum, but it was your wife who chose to betray you with him. It was your wife that chose to play around with all those other guys for her own pleasure and satisfaction and gave zero thought to your feelings. Your rage should be directed at her and what she has done to you.

[waterwoman]

Hey darkprince, you know you've got to leave don't you?

[DarkPrince]

Hey darkprince, you know you've got to leave don't you?

 

I know I do. Im completely over this ****.

[RickFox]

You do deserve so much better than this man. I usually woulnd't advocate this, even with a child with special needs, but you simply need to leave her. Walk out, don't come back, don't answer to her threats and tell her you're done.

 

We don't get any younger, you probably have a lot to offer some woman out there who would appreciate it.

 

I wish you the best of luck.