Boyfriend & Porn

[sarahfort]

Hi There,

 

I was looking to get some male and female opinions on the way I feel about porn.

 

I never really gave it much thought the first couple years I was dating my boyfriend. But as we've grown closer and basically live together, and most of the time wind up sharing a computer, I've noticed porn from time to time. It seems I've been noticing it more lately, I don't think he's been watching it any more than usual, I think I am just noticing it more and more. I brought it up with him in a joking manner a few months ago, and he blew up at me. He did not want to talk about it and dropped the subject. I am a pretty girl. I'm smart and I know what I want out of a relationship. Lately I have been feeling fairly insecure which is abnormal and when it really came down to it, it's because of the porn. Everytime I see he's watched it I feel angry, hurt, confused... Especially because we see eachother almost every single night, and we've always had a very active sex life. Almost every day. Please do not suggest that it has become "boring" , because that is not the case. We're both early 20's and adventurous.

 

Very recently I reached my boiling point with how it was making me feel, I was on the computer and google search bar revealed a few sites, and I knew he had watched it while I was working. I went home to sleep with him that night. I confronted him. He accused me of being snoopy and he did not see it the way I saw it. I explained to him how it made me feel, and that I wasnt comfortable with it. Not with how active we are and how frequently I see him. We made up, and he told me he wouldnt watch it anymore because of how I felt.

 

The NEXT morning, my Iphone was dead so i grabbed his. the first page open on the internet was a porn site. I know I shouldn't have, but I checked the history because I was angry he told me a straight lie, and I felt like he completely disregarded my feelings on the subject. He had watched 6 videos, and he must have watched them while at work. I confronted him AGAIN. This time much more upset and hurt. He was angry at me for snooping again, and I apologized but it was not intentional, and he had lied to me in a way . Later that evening he promised me if it was that big of a deal he wouldnt watch it anymore. I asked him if he NEEDED it, and if it was that important of a thing in his life... then I could not continue a relationship with him. I cannot be uncomfortable the rest of my life, I know my worth - and i never wanted to change him .

 

Does anybody agree with me? Does anybody think if he really loves me and values our relationship he'll at least make an effort to respect my feelings? If you had a girlfriend who asked the same of you and you loved her - would you try?

 

I really don't want to violate his privacy again , but I can't help wondering if he really meant what he said. I am saddened to say that if porn is something so important to him that he's risk losing me... I would leave him.

 

Not looking to hear answers like " all guys watch porn, you'll never stop him"... I am looking for some people who can put their selves in my shoes/his shoes and tell me how you feel, how you would feel, or what you would do.

 

 

Thanks everyone.

[Roadkill007]

hey, I think you came to the right place. There's a lot of people here with pretty interesting POVs and ideas on this recurring issue. Hopefully some of them will resonate with you.

 

As for me, I think that you really need to have a talk with him about why he feels the compulsion to watch porn. He seems a bit overly defensive about it, so it might be hard to even get an honest conversation about it going, but I think that it's unnatural that he's so defensive and secretive about his use of porn. I mean if it's just a force of habit, there's no way he would be that defensive about it, even if he got a bit secretive. Clearly porn is doing something for him that he feels he needs. Ofc the keyword there is "feels". Maybe he has some kind of psychological dependency, almost like a daily ritual? In any case, hopefully the talk will give you insight into whether or not you want to continue this relationship or not.

[TigerCub]

I think the fact that you 2 have sex on a daily basis is what should make his porn watching less of a threat for you.

 

IMO,I'd worry about the porn if my partner was choosing it over having sex. Your bf doesn't seem to be doing that.

 

I know you don't want to hear it - but yes, almost all guys watch porn - it's a quick release.

 

Again, for me it would be a problem if it was taking away for our sex life, but if we're good and our sex life is good, I wouldn't care if he looks at porn, tbh.

 

He shouldn't have lied to you, but you shouldn't be policing him either.

 

What makes this such a problem for you? Is it just the way the girls look or is it that you feel he's turning to porn too often?

what is it?

[plrs199]

I think I'd be more worried about the fact that he just shut down the conversation. I'm guessing that either he has some shame about it or maybe a past girlfriend made him feel like he had to hide it.

 

But other than trying to get him to be more communicative I don't think you have a real big problem here. You still get to have sex with him as much as you want so why does it matter if he wants to get off on his own sometimes?

[somedude81]

How does him watching porn affect you?

 

Does he give you less attention? Does he have less of an interest in sex on the days that he watches porn? Is there any more affect then you just feeling bad because he's watching videos?

[CarrieT]

Does anybody agree with me?

 

Sorry, I don't - and I'm a woman.

 

Not looking to hear answers like " all guys watch porn, you'll never stop him"... I am looking for some people who can put their selves in my shoes/his shoes and tell me how you feel, how you would feel, or what you would do.

No, not all guys watch porn but how they internalize what porn is to them versus what it is to women is entirely different things.

 

As a woman, I do understand how you feel, but believe it is unrealistic to get a guy to empathize enough to stop actions they have been doing for more years than they have been adults.

 

I heartily suggest you watch the TED Talk on Porn,

and then answer the following question:

 

You want him to understand how YOU FEEL and change his actions. Why should he? Why don't you understand what HE FEELS and change yours?

[Treasa]

Ok. I have to start with a few things. I'm female. I'm bisexual. I like watching porn. I love sex. I respect people, but I ultimately do what I want to do.

 

I used to be where you are, where porn would threaten me in some way. I would wonder if my boyfriend was fantasizing about those girls, if he wished he was with them instead of me, etc.

 

The older I got, the more confident I got. Porn was and is no longer a threat. I watch and get off to porn almost every day, and I couldn't tell you what a single girl or guy looks like. That isn't really why I watch it. I like the naked bodies and what they're doing, but I certainly don't think about them after I get off. I'm willing to bet most guys are the same way.

 

If you have an active sex life and he's treating you well, then you probably come across as insecure and snooping to him, and those are both qualities that would drop my attraction for someone.

 

You're entitled to how you feel, but you have to learn in life to choose your battles wisely. This is one I would personally let go if everything else was going well.

[Shepp]

I'm a bloke who dosent watch porn.

 

Not for any reason at all other than, well A) I can never shake the feeling that 'that's someones daughter', i'd never let my kid or sister or niece resort to that for money, so all of that makes me a tad uncomfortable and because B) your watching some other guy f*ck a girl when you could go out and find a nice girl to sleep with yourself! I've always thought of myself as a 'do-er' not a 'watch-er', y'know?

 

So if a girl I was with wanted me to avoid porn - well that wouldn't be hard.

 

Do I think your being unreasonable to him? Err tricky - I see your point, I see it makes you insecure but I see his point of view - 9 out of 10 blokes do and he's not really doing anything wrong!

I don't think either of you are being out of line but the fact of the matter is one of you will have to compromise for a relationship between the two of you to work!

[Keenly]

You want him to "respect the way you feel" and stop. But you don't "respect the way HE feels" and you demand that he alter HIMself for you.

[man_in_the_box]

I never really gave it much thought the first couple years I was dating my boyfriend. But as we've grown closer and basically live together, and most of the time wind up sharing a computer, I've noticed porn from time to time. It seems I've been noticing it more lately, I don't think he's been watching it any more than usual, I think I am just noticing it more and more. I brought it up with him in a joking manner a few months ago, and he blew up at me. He did not want to talk about it and dropped the subject. I am a pretty girl. I'm smart and I know what I want out of a relationship. Lately I have been feeling fairly insecure which is abnormal and when it really came down to it, it's because of the porn. Everytime I see he's watched it I feel angry, hurt, confused... Especially because we see eachother almost every single night, and we've always had a very active sex life. Almost every day. Please do not suggest that it has become "boring" , because that is not the case. We're both early 20's and adventurous.

 

Very recently I reached my boiling point with how it was making me feel, I was on the computer and google search bar revealed a few sites, and I knew he had watched it while I was working. I went home to sleep with him that night. I confronted him. He accused me of being snoopy and he did not see it the way I saw it. I explained to him how it made me feel, and that I wasnt comfortable with it. Not with how active we are and how frequently I see him. We made up, and he told me he wouldnt watch it anymore because of how I felt.

 

The NEXT morning, my Iphone was dead so i grabbed his. the first page open on the internet was a porn site. I know I shouldn't have, but I checked the history because I was angry he told me a straight lie, and I felt like he completely disregarded my feelings on the subject. He had watched 6 videos, and he must have watched them while at work. I confronted him AGAIN. This time much more upset and hurt. He was angry at me for snooping again, and I apologized but it was not intentional, and he had lied to me in a way . Later that evening he promised me if it was that big of a deal he wouldnt watch it anymore. I asked him if he NEEDED it, and if it was that important of a thing in his life... then I could not continue a relationship with him. I cannot be uncomfortable the rest of my life, I know my worth - and i never wanted to change him .

 

Does anybody agree with me? Does anybody think if he really loves me and values our relationship he'll at least make an effort to respect my feelings? If you had a girlfriend who asked the same of you and you loved her - would you try?

 

I really don't want to violate his privacy again , but I can't help wondering if he really meant what he said. I am saddened to say that if porn is something so important to him that he's risk losing me... I would leave him.

 

Not looking to hear answers like " all guys watch porn, you'll never stop him"... I am looking for some people who can put their selves in my shoes/his shoes and tell me how you feel, how you would feel, or what you would do.

 

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Well, porn can be a difficult issue between partners - I've experienced that with my girlfriend. I think the biggest problem with you two - which we've also done - is that you are not working together to resolve the issues. All I've read is actions that are going to separate you further and that will never take away the issues you're dealing with.

 

- He's making false promises that he's going to quit while obviously he's not capable of keeping them.

 

- you're actively looking for signs and clues that he uses porn. You go further than 'stumbling upon' which makes it a negative thing.

 

- you're putting expectations of change on him while the only one that can achieve this is himself. I'm not saying its impossible but he should never change because you want it. IF he changes it should be fuelled by his desire to change for you.

 

- something similar needs to happen with you. Resolving relationship issues requires 100% input from both partners. You have to accept that he's a human being and he's not going to be able to completely accomodate whatever you have in mind.

 

- BOTH of you need to see eachothers side of the issue. He must understand what effect his actions have on you and you must understand why he does it - and why he doesn't share your perspectives on porn.

 

- avoid making porn the 'forbidden fruit'. If he is actively working with you to do something about the issue you're not helping him by continuously getting angry when its not going perfect. Its very demotivating if you're trying to do something for someone else and all they do is throw a hissyfit when you're failing.

 

Bottomline you need openness and honesty over porn and a mutial, positively-reinforced attitude. The final resolve isn't always cleear cut: sometimes one partner gives up porn completely, other times one partner learns to accept that the other watches porn. Its an individual thing.

 

Finally i'd like to add that only with my girlfriends understandig and patience I've got a lot of control over porn and stopped using for months at a time. Similarly because I've did that for her she learned to accept that sometimes I fail. Only by eachothers help did we resolve the issue, not by trying to change our partner to what we want them to be.

[edgygirl]

I couldn't care less if my SO watches porn.

 

In fact, I would like him to, so he gets more aroused overall and I end getting even more sex from him.

 

It also doesn't bother me a bit if he fantasizes about other people... I do too. Nothing wrong with that if it stays in the imagination.

[SuperGeek]

Why not watch the porn with him? It could make your sex life more interesting

[sarahfort]

I'm a bloke who dosent watch porn.

 

Not for any reason at all other than, well A) I can never shake the feeling that 'that's someones daughter', i'd never let my kid or sister or niece resort to that for money, so all of that makes me a tad uncomfortable and because B) your watching some other guy f*ck a girl when you could go out and find a nice girl to sleep with yourself! I've always thought of myself as a 'do-er' not a 'watch-er', y'know?

 

So if a girl I was with wanted me to avoid porn - well that wouldn't be hard.

 

Do I think your being unreasonable to him? Err tricky - I see your point, I see it makes you insecure but I see his point of view - 9 out of 10 blokes do and he's not really doing anything wrong!

I don't think either of you are being out of line but the fact of the matter is one of you will have to compromise for a relationship between the two of you to work!

 

Thank You!

[sarahfort]

Well, porn can be a difficult issue between partners - I've experienced that with my girlfriend. I think the biggest problem with you two - which we've also done - is that you are not working together to resolve the issues. All I've read is actions that are going to separate you further and that will never take away the issues you're dealing with.

 

- He's making false promises that he's going to quit while obviously he's not capable of keeping them.

 

- you're actively looking for signs and clues that he uses porn. You go further than 'stumbling upon' which makes it a negative thing.

 

- you're putting expectations of change on him while the only one that can achieve this is himself. I'm not saying its impossible but he should never change because you want it. IF he changes it should be fuelled by his desire to change for you.

 

- something similar needs to happen with you. Resolving relationship issues requires 100% input from both partners. You have to accept that he's a human being and he's not going to be able to completely accomodate whatever you have in mind.

 

- BOTH of you need to see eachothers side of the issue. He must understand what effect his actions have on you and you must understand why he does it - and why he doesn't share your perspectives on porn.

 

- avoid making porn the 'forbidden fruit'. If he is actively working with you to do something about the issue you're not helping him by continuously getting angry when its not going perfect. Its very demotivating if you're trying to do something for someone else and all they do is throw a hissyfit when you're failing.

 

Bottomline you need openness and honesty over porn and a mutial, positively-reinforced attitude. The final resolve isn't always cleear cut: sometimes one partner gives up porn completely, other times one partner learns to accept that the other watches porn. Its an individual thing.

 

Finally i'd like to add that only with my girlfriends understandig and patience I've got a lot of control over porn and stopped using for months at a time. Similarly because I've did that for her she learned to accept that sometimes I fail. Only by eachothers help did we resolve the issue, not by trying to change our partner to what we want them to be.

 

Thank you, We ended up sitting down and talking about it. I expressed how It makes me feel , and that I'm uncomfortable with it. He actually understood and even felt bad that I'd been feeling this way about it for so long without telling him. He's told me he doesn't NEED it, and it was just something to do when he was bored but does not need to watch it especially knowing that it bothers me. as i wrote before we have an extremely active sex life, and there is not ever a time where he can not get it from me