How to proceed after breakup? Should I let him know how I feel?

April 28, 2013

I joined this forum last summer after my boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me last April. We were together from the ages of 19 to 27. I thought that we were going to get married, have a house together, the whole nine yards. Unfortunately, he ended up not being such a great person, and I ended up being quite the doormat. After he broke up with me I went NC immediately. It was terribly difficult at the time, but I knew that if I spoke to him it would just cause me more pain in the long run. I am proud to say that I never broke NC, even when he tossed a few breadcrumbs my way. I have no desire to be his friend or speak to him ever again because I believe that he is a bad person. This forum really helped me a lot last year. I never really posted any questions or shared my whole story, but just reading the advice people gave one another really helped me.

So here I am again. I am hoping to get some advice and to hear the opinions of others on my current situation. After my first boyfriend broke up with me I remained single until last December. During that time I reconnected with a friend that I went to elementary school, middle school, and high school with (let’s call him Tom). When we first started hanging out in November I didn’t expect anything serious to come of it, but we developed feelings for one another rather quickly, and by the end of December we were officially an item.

Well, within the last month it has become more than obvious that we are not compatible as a couple. Our communication styles do not compliment one another, we bicker about the dumbest things, our priorities are different…we are just at different places in our lives. Also, Tom has never had a serious girlfriend before (which I find odd for a 27 year old man) and I think he just doesn’t know how to be in a serious relationship…if that makes any sense.

So on Friday we broke up. We had an argument and then Tom came over to my apartment and packed up all of his things and left. We didn’t really have a conversation, just more bickering that went in circles (per usual). I have not spoken to him or heard from him since (I know that it has only been a couple of days, but it feels so much longer than that). I know that this is for the best because things weren’t really working out, but I do miss him a lot and I’m quite sad. We had a lot of fun together and I was looking forward to spending the summer with him. It really sucks that we weren’t on the same page and that things ended the way that they did.

I don’t feel like Tom is a bad person, we just didn’t work as a couple. I’m not angry with him, I am just incredibly sad that things didn’t work out. I was hoping that Tom and I could at least be on good terms with one another in the future. We have known one another since we were kids, and still live in the same town that we grew up in. I don’t want to have to avoid Tom like the plague like I do my previous ex.

So now I am kind of at a loss as how to proceed. Should I let him know how I feel (basically that I am not mad and no hard feelings), or just let him be? Maybe I should give him more time before I contact him? He is the one who packed his things and left, maybe I should take the hint that he probably doesn’t want to hear from me? I don’t want to contact him if it’s just going to upset him or piss him off. If I sound silly or am not making any sense, I apologize. I am just really bummed out and confused right now.

Thank you so very much for reading my long post. Any input, advice, or opinions on this situation will be much appreciated.

April 28, 2013

Don't do anything that may leave you feeling worse regardless of the outcome. Secondly, go with you instincts, you seem to have good ones and a healthy attitude. You will be fine

April 28, 2013

Don't do anything that may leave you feeling worse regardless of the outcome. Secondly, go with you instincts, you seem to have good ones and a healthy attitude. You will be fine

Thank you siankat, I really appreciate the support. Just the mere act of writing the situation out has made me feel a lot better. Right now my instincts are telling me to leave the situation alone. I need some more time to gather my thoughts and sort through my feelings. I am just gonna step back from everything and take a breather.

April 28, 2013

That is a great decision!!! You do not want to have a setback. Do you feel like there will be value added if you do?

April 29, 2013

That is a great decision!!! You do not want to have a setback. Do you feel like there will be value added if you do?

I definitely don't need any setbacks, that's for sure. Speaking with him now would probably not be the best idea, it's only been a couple days and I imagine emotions are still running high on both sides.

April 29, 2013

I agree that you should give it some time before you make any decisions about how to proceed.

When you feel ready, if you do feel like you want/need to communicate with him in one way or another, I would recommend writing an email and then "sitting" on it for a while and revisiting it to make sure it says what you want. Doing this allowed me to get my thoughts out and then go back and recognize parts of my email that were trying to take a "jab" or get a certain reaction - so I could then delete them and focus only on the message rather than the emotions.

Just a thought. As others have said, you seem, from the outside, to have a good handle on the situation, even if it might not feel like it. As much as it takes time to truly believe this, if you really feel you weren't compatible in the long run, it's probably lucky for you that you got out earlier rather than later - you can go through the healing process now and be ready for somebody who is more right for you when they come along.

Good luck!

April 29, 2013

Having an extremely rough morning. I am crying hysterically and all I want to do is tell Tom how much I miss him and how sorry I am. Hell I don't even know exactly why I'm sorry, I just am. I just miss him so much.

I know that I am not thinking rationally at all. Logically I know that this is for the best and that things weren't going to work out. But part of me feels like I should have been more patient with him, more understanding. He hasn't been in a serious relationship before and he doesn't know any better. But then I feel like it isn't my responsibility to "train" or "teach" him. Tom is a grown man, not a puppy. I mean no disrespect to him, but it isn't my fault that he is 27 years old with no relationship experience. I gave him a chance (and a second chance) and it just didn't work.

Just really needed to vent. I am absolutely heartbroken and it sucks.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my emotional rambling. I am sure it won't be the last time I post something like this.

April 29, 2013

But part of me feels like I should have been more patient with him, more understanding. He hasn't been in a serious relationship before and he doesn't know any better.

Don't go down this road. As you said, it's not your responsibility to show him what he's supposed to be doing. It isn't fair to you to have to bear that kind of responsibility anyway. This is how these guys get us. They tug at our empathy/compassion and take it for granted and eventually, we rationalize their behavior. If you really are tempted to contact him, just write drafts. but don't send them to him. Write what you'd want to say, and like other people have mentioned, let it sit. If I were you I wouldn't even send them. I wouldn't want to even give them the satisfaction of them knowing I wasted a thought on them.

April 29, 2013

Don't go down this road. As you said, it's not your responsibility to show him what he's supposed to be doing. It isn't fair to you to have to bear that kind of responsibility anyway. This is how these guys get us. They tug at our empathy/compassion and take it for granted and eventually, we rationalize their behavior. If you really are tempted to contact him, just write drafts. but don't send them to him. Write what you'd want to say, and like other people have mentioned, let it sit. If I were you I wouldn't even send them. I wouldn't want to even give them the satisfaction of them knowing I wasted a thought on them.

You are absolutely right. I went through something similar with my previous ex. I was his first serious girlfriend (granted we were both 19 at the time), and he just didn't get it either. I thought if I was patient enough with him that he would eventually understand what it entails to be in a serious relationship. I ran in circles with this guy, never really getting anywhere. I began making excuses for him and rationalizing his behavior, and before I knew it I was allowing him to use me as a doormat.

I definitely don't want to repeat that pattern of behavior. I know better than that now.

April 29, 2013

Having an extremely rough morning. I am crying hysterically and all I want to do is tell Tom how much I miss him and how sorry I am. Hell I don't even know exactly why I'm sorry, I just am. I just miss him so much.

Are you sure it's really Tom you miss so much? I'm sure you miss him, but this recent loss may have opened flood gates that contained water from your earlier loss.

Take good care of yourself, grieve, and when you've regrouped, tell Tom you think he's a decent guy, and wish him all the luck.

April 29, 2013

You are absolutely right. I went through something similar with my previous ex. I was his first serious girlfriend (granted we were both 19 at the time), and he just didn't get it either. I thought if I was patient enough with him that he would eventually understand what it entails to be in a serious relationship. I ran in circles with this guy, never really getting anywhere. I began making excuses for him and rationalizing his behavior, and before I knew it I was allowing him to use me as a doormat.

I definitely don't want to repeat that pattern of behavior. I know better than that now.

It's tough to learn...I'm the same exact way. And it's also painful when you get that nagging feeling that you're not getting what you deserve. I didn't want to acknowledge the option of losing my bf at the time but I knew the end was inevitable. They don't deserve our compassion or mercy whatsoever. You deserve someone who already has their sh*t together. And if they don't, it's not up to us to "show" them what is right. But it is up to us to show their way to the door

April 29, 2013

Thank you all so much for your advice. I appreciate you taking the time to give me your input. I don't have a whole lot of people I can speak to about this, so it means a lot to me when you offer your help.

April 29, 2013

Any time. That's what this place is for. Especially when your close friends get sick of hearing the stories and tell you to get over yourself

April 29, 2013

Oh, I've been there. Sometimes I've wanted to rush back into the bad relationships, because at least it was a kind of pain I could deal with, rather than the much more unpleasant discomfort of being "alone." What helped me was going through it, recording and thinking about the dreams I would have and what they meant, and making sure I gave myself all the affection I was giving these guys in my head.

When you can push past that big scary beast of being "alone" and still be ok, you realize that you definitely do not want to be with those guys ever again. They aren't right for you. They are comfortable and easy at times, but not right.

May 1, 2013

I am having an extremely difficult morning, woke up at 5am and can't fall back asleep. My anxiety is just awful right now. I am just terribly sad and I miss Tom. I have an appointment today that I am really nervous about (I scheduled it a couple weeks ago) and thought that I would have Tom's support. But obviously I won't, being as that we are no longer together and have not spoken.

I know that he is awake now as he works early shifts. I want to contact him so badly. Just send him a text or call him. Don't even know what I would say. I won't do it though (that's why I am venting here). I am too emotional right now and am not thinking clearly.

What would I gain from texting him anyway? He'd either ignore me (which would make me feel awful), possibly be mean or indifferent (once again, I'd feel terrible), or best case scenario he'd respond nicely...but then what? It doesn't change the fact that we are broken up and don't work as a couple, no matter how much I love and care for him.

I'm just so sad

May 1, 2013

I am having an extremely difficult morning, woke up at 5am and can't fall back asleep. My anxiety is just awful right now. I am just terribly sad and I miss Tom. I have an appointment today that I am really nervous about (I scheduled it a couple weeks ago) and thought that I would have Tom's support. But obviously I won't, being as that we are no longer together and have not spoken.

I know that he is awake now as he works early shifts. I want to contact him so badly. Just send him a text or call him. Don't even know what I would say. I won't do it though (that's why I am venting here). I am too emotional right now and am not thinking clearly.

What would I gain from texting him anyway? He'd either ignore me (which would make me feel awful), possibly be mean or indifferent (once again, I'd feel terrible), or best case scenario he'd respond nicely...but then what? It doesn't change the fact that we are broken up and don't work as a couple, no matter how much I love and care for him.

I'm just so sad

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. I have trouble sleeping too and pretty much am awake most nights with my mind in overdrive. I understand that urge you have to contact Tom but try to calm yourself and take a 5 minute time out. Don't try to rationalise everything because its generally what's keeping us awake... We have too many thoughts going on at once. Just breathe and try tend to something else for a moment.. Your urge will pass...

Keep posting so we (I) know how you're doing.. I'm new to the forum and have been reading some great advice to keep myself busy if nothing else

May 1, 2013

I'd go nc for a while until you are a little better about it and confident in yourself. I did NC for 7 weeks and then felt I was in a good enough state to contact her without doing anything I'd regret.

It made me feel a lot better, and we both agreed that it would be for the best to remain friends from a distance. Which means, she can call me if she feels a need to talk about stuff (I know some of her history that's difficult for her and she can't talk to a lot of people about it) and that we have a lot of mutual friends and I don't want us to act like we don't know eachother when we bump into eachother or feel that we have to avoid going to certain places out of fear that the other will be there.

But judging by your posts, you are not in that state yet so give it a few more weeks imo. Don't do it unless you are 100 percent certain you can handle it.

May 1, 2013

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. I have trouble sleeping too and pretty much am awake most nights with my mind in overdrive. I understand that urge you have to contact Tom but try to calm yourself and take a 5 minute time out. Don't try to rationalise everything because its generally what's keeping us awake... We have too many thoughts going on at once. Just breathe and try tend to something else for a moment.. Your urge will pass...

Keep posting so we (I) know how you're doing.. I'm new to the forum and have been reading some great advice to keep myself busy if nothing else

Thank you so much and welcome to LS!! I joined last year and this website has some wonderful people on it who provide excellent advice. I didn't really post much before, it was just helpful to read other people's stories and advice.

Luckily my appointment today went well, so I am feeling a lot better at the moment.

I totally get where you're coming regarding trying to rationalize everything. I get so analytical sometimes, I just drive myself crazy. Seems I might be my own worst enemy at the moment.

I didn't contact Tom. It's so difficult at times (mostly when I am super emotional) not to, but I know the urge will pass once I calm down and regain my senses.

May 1, 2013

I'd go nc for a while until you are a little better about it and confident in yourself. I did NC for 7 weeks and then felt I was in a good enough state to contact her without doing anything I'd regret.

It made me feel a lot better, and we both agreed that it would be for the best to remain friends from a distance. Which means, she can call me if she feels a need to talk about stuff (I know some of her history that's difficult for her and she can't talk to a lot of people about it) and that we have a lot of mutual friends and I don't want us to act like we don't know eachother when we bump into eachother or feel that we have to avoid going to certain places out of fear that the other will be there.

But judging by your posts, you are not in that state yet so give it a few more weeks imo. Don't do it unless you are 100 percent certain you can handle it.

You are absolutely right, I am not in a place right now emotionally where contacting Tom would do any good. I do hope that we are able to speak to one another in the future and be okay with one another (similar to the situation you have with your ex).

Our relationship didn't last all that long (a little over 4 months) and was not extremely serious, so I don't see why we can't be cool with one another eventually. We gave it a go and it didn't work, it's terribly sad and disappointing, but what can you do? We just didn't work as a couple.

May 1, 2013

Our relationship didn't last all that long (a little over 4 months) and was not extremely serious, so I don't see why we can't be cool with one another eventually. We gave it a go and it didn't work, it's terribly sad and disappointing, but what can you do? We just didn't work as a couple.

That's pretty much how long my relationship lasted with my most recent guy. We broke up in the beginning of April, and let me tell ya, it's been a roller coaster. You'd think, given the fact that the relationship didn't last that long, that you'd get over it quickly, but 4 months is still enough time to grow feelings for someone, and it takes a while for those feelings to fade too. The thoughts suck. Especially when they're still the last thing you think about at night and the first thing that pops into your head in the morning. The one thing you have to realize every time you start missing him/wanting to call him is that he's not the same person that you fell in love with. Somewhere along the line, things fell apart. It'll take a while for your brain to get used to but don't beat yourself up with the pain of it all. Just accept that moving on is a process, and distract yourself with the good stuff that you've had before you started dating him! I'll tell you now though, I still have those moments when I want to talk to him, but those feelings and thoughts are starting to go away/weaken. You'll get over him if you believe you can!

May 1, 2013

That's pretty much how long my relationship lasted with my most recent guy. We broke up in the beginning of April, and let me tell ya, it's been a roller coaster. You'd think, given the fact that the relationship didn't last that long, that you'd get over it quickly, but 4 months is still enough time to grow feelings for someone, and it takes a while for those feelings to fade too. The thoughts suck. Especially when they're still the last thing you think about at night and the first thing that pops into your head in the morning. The one thing you have to realize every time you start missing him/wanting to call him is that he's not the same person that you fell in love with. Somewhere along the line, things fell apart. It'll take a while for your brain to get used to but don't beat yourself up with the pain of it all. Just accept that moving on is a process, and distract yourself with the good stuff that you've had before you started dating him! I'll tell you now though, I still have those moments when I want to talk to him, but those feelings and thoughts are starting to go away/weaken. You'll get over him if you believe you can!

Thank you so much for the encouragement

Very well put, I absolutely can relate to your situation. Just because the relationship may have been short doesn't mean that there aren't intense feelings involved. I am just glad that it ended before I got even more emotionally invested.

May 26, 2013

Your urge will pass...

I very strongly support this view. A long the way, there will be so so soooooo many, countless time when you have the super urge to contact your ex. But, trust me, fight it. In the end, you will stay silent and realize contacting him/ her would be silly. The ex still knows that you're still around him/ her and how would that makes the situation better? Not at all! So stay silent. Focus on yourself.

I recently pick up books on self-improvement that teaches me more about beauty (makeup ingredients, makeup tips, etc) and healthy nutrition. I want to make myself super attractive and desirable for the next guy whoever comes into my life next to love and care for me. On top of this, I still continue with my current job, which is very exciting and intellectual. I learn new things every day and that makes me a smarter and more confident lady. Think about doing things that make you feel better for yourself and irresistible to the next guy in your life.

And silly enough, I try to hang out more with guys. It's not that I'm trying to find a new relationship. I don't think I'm ready yet. However, I will constantly receive very positive compliments about how pretty I look and how smart I am. That boosts my confidence and assures me that my ex, like oh my gosh seriously, doesn't deserve a bit of me. I don't wanna get back with him who chose to give up on me when things get hard. I deserve a real man who would be there and fight for me till the end. You deserve the same thing too. Fighting!

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