TheFriend Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I have changed so much over the last 3 months since my bu, I live more freeley (which I'm not too sure if that's a good thing yet) and calm. My ex would always say that because i was stressed about my job it stressed her out. I am not sure if i should even bother with trying to reach out, but feel like i will finally be at peace if she sees how different I am. I don't have that longing for her like i used to but there is still that mental block that keeps me from moving on... Suggestions? Thanks.
Comfortable Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Keep moving forward. Control your thoughts so she doesn't control them. Just keep looking forward. There is no reason to look back. There is so much to look forward too. Good luck!! 3
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I have changed so much over the last 3 months since my bu, I live more freeley (which I'm not too sure if that's a good thing yet) and calm. My ex would always say that because i was stressed about my job it stressed her out. I am not sure if i should even bother with trying to reach out, but feel like i will finally be at peace if she sees how different I am. I don't have that longing for her like i used to but there is still that mental block that keeps me from moving on... Suggestions? Thanks. Find out what the mental block is, and demolish it. If you let it stay, you might as well kiss 'freedom' goodbye. 1
Author TheFriend Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 I'm not sure how to demolish it... I am afraid the only way is to reach out for that last time, however I also know that there is always that " last time".
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 What would you be reaching out for? To what benefit? For what advantage? How would that change your progress - for the better, or worse, do you think? "Reaching out" is not in your place to effect. There is no 'reaching out' from a dumpee's perspective. From the Dumper's perspective, that's being a clingy pest. All this wonderful silence - they're free-wheeling, and well on the road to independence and - "oh drat - what now? I thought I'd shaken him off for good - !!" The only one who needs to reach out - is her. And it has to be absolutely Legit. 100% straight up, no-nonsense, honest-to-goodness desire to re-connect. Or else it's breadcrumbs. But you? You don't 'reach out'. Not until you're at the stage when she's pregnant, in another man's loving arms - and you're happy for her. But also, indifferent to it all. Until then, reaching out is a definite no-no - and you need to clear the block. 2
Author TheFriend Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Thank you Tara. It is good to have that perspective drilled back in my head. Over time i tend to forget the negative about not only her, but the view point from the dumper as well.
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 (edited) Sounds harsh, but sometimes it just needs saying 'like it is'. The important fact is not whether you're a different man - but is she a 'different' woman? I suspect, as the Dumper, she has seen no need in herself to make any changes.... So no matter how intent your efforts, they count for nothing when she was the one who perhaps could have benefited most from change. Oh, and you could write a 'note to self': T E A. Remember those? Edited April 28, 2013 by TaraMaiden
Author TheFriend Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Lol not too harsh:)and yup! I still TEA it up! There is nooooo way you remembered that post tho! How far back did you have to read my notes? Lol:)
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 And TEA would be???? C'mon now, share with the rest of us TM - FYI - Been reading (well listening - MP3) to Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Reaaaalllyyy interested in this 'enlightenment'. Just curious, are you there?
Star Gazer Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 IMO, 3 months isn't really sufficient to make major improvements in one's personality or re-activity or stress level (unless you've completely changed jobs?). It's a step in the right direction, but it's not like a 180 degree change.
TaraMaiden Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Lol not too harsh:)and yup! I still TEA it up! There is nooooo way you remembered that post tho! How far back did you have to read my notes? Lol:) I checked quite far back to see how things happened to begin with..... I do try to read up on my victims fellow members....! And TEA would be???? C'mon now, share with the rest of us Hi mtnbiker...See this thread.... TM - FYI - Been reading (well listening - MP3) to Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Reaaaalllyyy interested in this 'enlightenment'. Just curious, are you there? What.... Enlightened, do you mean....? Goodness, no...... I'd like to think I've had a good share of "Ahaaah!" experiences.... you know, those 'lightbulb moments' when something just 'clicks'..... (You should have PM facilities by now.... Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss stuff..... )
Author TheFriend Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 It's more about how I have changed how I approach my job. I don't feel like i have to be as tuned in after hours as i was. (In sales so always working) i am more care free and go with the flow of life now. I used to be very detailed and planned out. Not sure if its good or bad that I have made that last change.
OwlSoul Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 IMO, 3 months isn't really sufficient to make major improvements in one's personality or re-activity or stress level (unless you've completely changed jobs?). It's a step in the right direction, but it's not like a 180 degree change. Agree. I've been broken up with my ex for like 3 months. Was doing a huge job over changing myself and etc. But meh, it's not enough. Something is still lacking, I feel not enough, even we're getting back together now.
Chi townD Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 No way she'll ever believe that you've permantily changed yourself in 3 months. Dude, she wanted you gone. So, be gone. If you've changed your life for the better, then great! Someone else will get to reap the benefits of the new you. So, her loss! Keep making positive changes in your life.
iouaname Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 If you still feel the need to show her that you've changed, you probably haven't changed as much as you think you have. I felt the same way about four months after the breakup. I felt like I had changed so much and I wanted him to see that. I came to find out that as soon as he reached out, I became a hysterical mess and things spiraled even worse than they had in the past. I hadn't changed, I was just putting on a facade to win him back. I feel like I only began to really change once I made the decision that he was never going to see or speak to me again. Now I feel like I am making the changes for myself instead of for him, and I actually really feel the improvement now. 2
Author TheFriend Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 I really appreciate all of the input guys! I am a fricken wreck mentally. There is no more pain but hokey ****!!!! There is a huge block in my head! Hopefully i can get this figured out soon! Tara if you read this will you read my "most effed up thing ever post" and give me your input? I think you are the one person i was most excited to hear from on that but never did;) you'll probably bash me for even wanting her back but I guess I'm curious if you see **** like that alot being a veteran on this site and all!!! Thanks!
TaraMaiden Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 This may surprise you, but: It doesn't matter. It never matters. Nothing matters any more. it WOULD matter - IF you were still together. But you're not. This is your block. You want explanation, clarification, justification and realisation - of everything about her. But it's irrelevant. It doesn't figure any more because she's your EX. She was a phukkup. Full stop and end of story. You're well rid of her, and what she thought, said and did, and why she thought said and did it - is history. Your position is NOT to figure her out. Your position is to give a schytt. Feel sorry for the next guy. You dodged the bullet. You've changed less than you think you have. You're still hung up on what she would think of you.... how can you impress her.... what effect can you have on her... You need to get to the stage where if she passed you in the street, you'd barely give her a glance, shrug, and just think 'meh'.... I read the thread you directed me to. She seems to have no boundaries.... she thought nothing of yanking your chain and actually offloading onto you, about her break-up.... This smacks of an almost autistic attribute.... But that's not for anyone to diagnose - nor is it an excuse. What she did was despicable. Why or how on earth you could possibly be thinking of 'showing her how you've changed' is beyond me....and frankly, simply smacks of doormat behaviour. Quit thinking of how you could impress her. Think more of impressing yourself. And me, for that matter..... 1
Author TheFriend Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 You sure are;) 17k posts will get you that title:)
bluecrabroll Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 This may surprise you, but: It doesn't matter. It never matters. Nothing matters any more. it WOULD matter - IF you were still together. But you're not. This is your block. You want explanation, clarification, justification and realisation - of everything about her. But it's irrelevant. It doesn't figure any more because she's your EX. She was a phukkup. Full stop and end of story. You're well rid of her, and what she thought, said and did, and why she thought said and did it - is history. Your position is NOT to figure her out. Your position is to give a schytt. Feel sorry for the next guy. You dodged the bullet. You've changed less than you think you have. You're still hung up on what she would think of you.... how can you impress her.... what effect can you have on her... You need to get to the stage where if she passed you in the street, you'd barely give her a glance, shrug, and just think 'meh'.... I read the thread you directed me to. She seems to have no boundaries.... she thought nothing of yanking your chain and actually offloading onto you, about her break-up.... This smacks of an almost autistic attribute.... But that's not for anyone to diagnose - nor is it an excuse. What she did was despicable. Why or how on earth you could possibly be thinking of 'showing her how you've changed' is beyond me....and frankly, simply smacks of doormat behaviour. Quit thinking of how you could impress her. Think more of impressing yourself. And me, for that matter..... I felt like you were lecturing to me there. =D I need these reinforcements. I hope I can impress you too. Hehehe:D
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