Sweetgirl28 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I met this guy on a dating website a couple of months ago. He immediately took down his profile after we exchanged phone numbers. In the first month, we kept in touch through text-messaging but then we changed to Facebook and video chats. In the meantime, he would send me gifts and greeting cards in the mail. After four months on Facebook, he decided he wanted to meet me in person. He drove a couple of hours to see me and we had a great night. As I had been drinking, I spent the night with him although we did not have sex. He tried but I kept refusing so we didn't do anything. The next day, we spent almost all day together. When he was getting ready to go home at night, he asked me about "us". He said he didn't like titles but he was wondering "what" we were. He proceeded by asking me if I was interested in a long-distance relationship with him and I said I would want to try that and see what happens. Then he went home. He texted me that same night telling me what a blast he had had and that he missed me. The next morning I received another sweet text from him and then he went cold for a couple of days so I texted him to see what was going on with him. He promised me to talk to me on Facebook video chat the next day but that didn't happen and he has been quiet ever since. What do I make of this? Did he see me as a fling? If so, why did he put in the effort of buying me gifts and visiting me? Was he serious about me but did he get scared off somehow?
Otty Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 He just wanted to see if he could get sex. Since he didn't, his interest level is very low. I would move on. 2
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 He just wanted to see if he could get sex. Since he didn't, his interest level is very low. I would move on. Do you think he would have been interested if he did get sex?
Maleficent Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 He just wanted to see if he could get sex. Since he didn't, his interest level is very low. I would move on. That was a lot of work just to get laid...
Otty Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Sure, this would have helped, but is that what you really want? He would keep coming around until he found someone he liked more than you, or who he liked having sex with more than you. If you are ok with this, then fine, but don't count on it developing into any relationship beyond sex 1
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 That was a lot of work just to get laid... My thoughts exactly! If I were a guy that wanted to get laid, I would probably focus on women in my area and not spend so much time talking to a woman in a different state and spend money on gifts and stuff. Remember that he lives 5 hours away from me...
soccerrprp Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Do you think he would have been interested if he did get sex? His response after NOT getting sex is a pretty good indicator of what you'd likely experienced if you had given him sex....another disappearing act. I think that he was interested in having sex and not really a LTR. He posed the question of a LTR to reel you in and hopefully have sex with him. You resisted. He lost interest and is now likely moving on. If not moving on, he is probably looking at other options and have placed you further down the pecking order. I would move on. He does not sound like good news. 1
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 His response after NOT getting sex is a pretty good indicator of what you'd likely experienced if you had given him sex....another disappearing act. I think that he was interested in having sex and not really a LTR. He posed the question of a LTR to reel you in and hopefully have sex with him. You resisted. He lost interest and is now likely moving on. If not moving on, he is probably looking at other options and have placed you further down the pecking order. I would move on. He does not sound like good news. He asked me about the relationship right before he was leaving so there was no chance he would have been able to sleep with me at that point. That's what makes me doubt his intentions. He didn't bring that topic up until he was about to leave... And yes, I honestly thought he came across as slightly narcissistic. He talked a lot about himself, his life and his family.
Granin Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 There's a good chance he just thinks you aren't interested in him that much and he's scared of getting hurt. Or that you're stringing him along for an ego boost
BluEyeL Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I noticed on several posts here, and it happened to me that a guy seems all game until there is some kind of make out session or situation in which he could have gotten, but didn't get, sex, after which he disappears. What's the deal? Is it that they just want the sex and lose interest when they didn't get it and would have left anyway, just extended a bit longer, or is it that they think you are not interested/stringing them along like the above poster suggested?
soccerrprp Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 There's a good chance he just thinks you aren't interested in him that much and he's scared of getting hurt. Or that you're stringing him along for an ego boost Granin, It is "possible." But I don't see how and why he would. He didn't get sex, but he got the LTR possibility. Why bail? It still seems to me that his motivations revolved around the sex. This from what the OP has given us, no more. 1
BluEyeL Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I tend to agree with the above poster. When I was in this situation, he stopped answering my messages, and I kept initiating, that shows interest. The OP also continued to show interest, I think it's that he put that "effort" into getting sex right when they met and got disappointed when he didn't. It's not so much effort chatting online, sorry. I'm sorry for you and for myself.
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 I tend to agree with the above poster. When I was in this situation, he stopped answering my messages, and I kept initiating, that shows interest. The OP also continued to show interest, I think it's that he put that "effort" into getting sex right when they met and got disappointed when he didn't. It's not so much effort chatting online, sorry. I'm sorry for you and for myself. It is true that chatting online doesn't take much effort, but composing and sending packages in the mail does seem to take some effort. I added everything up and he must have spent around $500 on me. He could have gotten an expensive escort for that money... And I am pretty sure there are "easy girls" in or near his town as well. I am confused because he told me about all the problems his family has been faced with in the past few years: divorce, cancer, etc It just doesn't make sense to me to invest emotional energy in a woman just for sex. On the other hand, he would repeat himself a lot. Telling me how perfect/beautiful/intelligent I was over and over again. He was constantly complimenting me on everything, even when I didn't want to have sex with him. That just confuses me.
soccerrprp Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 It is true that chatting online doesn't take much effort, but composing and sending packages in the mail does seem to take some effort. I added everything up and he must have spent around $500 on me. He could have gotten an expensive escort for that money... And I am pretty sure there are "easy girls" in or near his town as well. I am confused because he told me about all the problems his family has been faced with in the past few years: divorce, cancer, etc It just doesn't make sense to me to invest emotional energy in a woman just for sex. On the other hand, he would repeat himself a lot. Telling me how perfect/beautiful/intelligent I was over and over again. He was constantly complimenting me on everything, even when I didn't want to have sex with him. That just confuses me. Maybe he has money to spend. Maybe he doesn't and has little discipline. Some people use intimate, private experiences to create an emotional attachment to the other person. Women, I believe, more than men are sensitive to such. They become more trusting, open....he may have been manipulating you emotionally by sharing these things with you. And, of course, the constant, flattery, well, you know that most people like that. This could all been emotional manipulation, all contrived or some sincere. He failed to get the sex, but had you with him. He wasn't about to give up so quickly and lead on that he was only after the sex, so he continued the flattery, compliments. I think after the rejection that he had already made up his mind that you were not worth it. Again, just observations based on your testimony. I hope i'm wrong and he does come back. 2
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Maybe he has money to spend. Maybe he doesn't and has little discipline. Some people use intimate, private experiences to create an emotional attachment to the other person. Women, I believe, more than men are sensitive to such. They become more trusting, open....he may have been manipulating you emotionally by sharing these things with you. And, of course, the constant, flattery, well, you know that most people like that. This could all been emotional manipulation, all contrived or some sincere. He failed to get the sex, but had you with him. He wasn't about to give up so quickly and lead on that he was only after the sex, so he continued the flattery, compliments. I think after the rejection that he had already made up his mind that you were not worth it. Again, just observations based on your testimony. I hope i'm wrong and he does come back. Thank you for the insight. I needed to hear a man's perspective on this. I do have one more question though. if it was all about the sex, why did he bring up the topic of a serious relationship? If he had already made up his mind, it would have been better for him to just say bye without initiating such a conversation. When he brought that up, there was no way that he would be able to sleep with me anymore because he was about to head to his car.
soccerrprp Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Again, just conjecture. He may have asked you about a LTR because he wanted, at that time, to consider the possibility of such a relationship. He may have also wanted to keep you anchored to the possibility. In other words, he may have wanted to keep you interested long enough until he made another decision all together. Or string you along..... Even now, you question whether you still have a "relationship" with him or no, right? You haven't made a break from him and that may have been one of his motives. He may come back to you feeling confident that you are still interested. Or, again, found someone else. 1
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Again, just conjecture. He may have asked you about a LTR because he wanted, at that time, to consider the possibility of such a relationship. He may have also wanted to keep you anchored to the possibility. In other words, he may have wanted to keep you interested long enough until he made another decision all together. Or string you along..... Even now, you question whether you still have a "relationship" with him or no, right? You haven't made a break from him and that may have been one of his motives. He may come back to you feeling confident that you are still interested. Or, again, found someone else. Well, I did break away from him. I do not feel as if I am in a relationship with him at all. We haven't communicated in weeks and since I was the one who initiated contact last, I did not want to text/call him because I am not desperate. His behavior just puzzles me. There is one more element to the story though. I am about to move abroad for my job and will be in a foreign country for at least 4 months. He knew this well in advance and didn't seem to make a problem out of it. In fact, he even made plans to visit me there before we even met in person. Other than that, like I have mentioned before, we already have quite a distance between us within the U.S. Also, he asked me out on a date one week later (he was very adamant about it) but I never heard from again and I didn't want to send him a reminder. I am not really after this guy, his behavior just confuses me. This is the 3rd guy that went cold on me in a year so I am starting to wonder if I am doing something wrong?
Divasu Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Honestly, it sounds like he wanted some booty time, and he went cold when it didn't happen. Look at his actions afterwards: He promised me to talk to me on Facebook video chat the next day but that didn't happen and he has been quiet ever since. We haven't communicated in weeks he asked me out on a date one week later (he was very adamant about it) but I never heard from again
Sparkly24 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I guess if you want to know then the only way to find out is just to ask him, and see what he says. You can never really know what is going on in someone else's mind. I have had a very similar situation happen to me recently, almost identical. I have spent the end of this week feeling a little hurt and confused, and then felt happy to just move on and stop worrying about things. Then today he just decided to text me again after a good few days of absolutely no contact. It was just a really casual 'hey how are you' text. I won't know what was going on in his head because I am not a mind reader. What I do know is what is going on in my head. Which is that I don't have time for games, and I don't have the patience for someone who is not sure if they want me or not. So he is not someone that I really care about right now, and therefore he can play as many games as he likes but it's not going to ruin my day :-) x 3
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 I guess if you want to know then the only way to find out is just to ask him, and see what he says. You can never really know what is going on in someone else's mind. I have had a very similar situation happen to me recently, almost identical. I have spent the end of this week feeling a little hurt and confused, and then felt happy to just move on and stop worrying about things. Then today he just decided to text me again after a good few days of absolutely no contact. It was just a really casual 'hey how are you' text. I won't know what was going on in his head because I am not a mind reader. What I do know is what is going on in my head. Which is that I don't have time for games, and I don't have the patience for someone who is not sure if they want me or not. So he is not someone that I really care about right now, and therefore he can play as many games as he likes but it's not going to ruin my day :-) x That's very powerful and I am proud of you for not beating yourself up about some guy. I know I shouldn't do that either. The problem is that I haven't gotten much support from my friends and I am an extravert when it comes to my issues. I honestly don't want this guy and especially not after his behavior in the past few weeks. I am just very puzzled by the reason why he (or men in general?) behaves like that. Looking back, I am glad I didn't sleep with him. He would have gone cold anyway. 2
soccerrprp Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I am not really after this guy, his behavior just confuses me. This is the 3rd guy that went cold on me in a year so I am starting to wonder if I am doing something wrong? Personal question. Did you have sex with these guys? More often than not, it's not you...it's the intentions of the other. They disappear b/c you didn't give it up or they got what they wanted and took off. Not you, them.
Author Sweetgirl28 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Personal question. Did you have sex with these guys? More often than not, it's not you...it's the intentions of the other. They disappear b/c you didn't give it up or they got what they wanted and took off. Not you, them. I didn't. I respect myself too much to sleep with some guy after only a few weeks of dating. I feel that if you have sex with someone, you have nothing more to offer. There is nothing more to explore so they will give up on you if you are not in an actual relationship. And to answer your question more directly: all 3 of them tried to have sex with me and I refused in all 3 instances because I had only known them for less than a month. 1
ScreamingTrees Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Erm.. Why even bother with a LTR? I can't foresee that working too often, and I doubt that this guy thought otherwise when he suggested this, probably thinking it'd be an easy way to get you off of his back, unfortunately? Forget about him, he sounds like a douche bag.
Archgirl Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Umm my immediate thought is that you described all the things he did for you to show he was interested - he went to quite a lot of effort. What did you do? What clear signals did you give him that you were seriously interested in him? Especially after (what probably feels to him) sexually rejecting him. Guys won't do all the work forever without you giving signs that you return their level of interest.
BluEyeL Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I don't think she did anything wrong. This is a classic. And this discussion helped me a lot. I went through a lot of stupid heartache over a similar man/situation, if I needed more closure, these threads here are my closure and I truly let him go in my mind. I've been mourning my guy for a month wth? Plus, I think OLD sucks big time....I made up my mind about it:laugh: 1
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