break up, depressed

[DrDave92]

i've been seeing my girlfriend for almost 2 years now and despite our young ages (me-20 her-18) i thought things had been going very well. I attend university and have been coming home for 2 years on weekends to spend time with her. We live over the road from each other therefore the relationship has been ideal due to me being unable to drive and go anywhere when i'm off university.

 

Over recent weeks my girlfriend began acting very off with me and being snappy and unpleasant so i knew something was wrong. Last weekend we had an argument and she said she felt weird and needed space. I gave her the space she wanted till friday when we met up for a talk.

 

When i went to see her she was on her phone and avoiding talking to me which annoyed me so i asked her if we could talk about things. I asked her if she had decided what she wanted after having some space and she said she didn't know what she wanted. She said she has felt different over the past few months and now views me as more of a friend than a boyfriend because the passion has fizzled out and this cut me up inside. I explained to her that being in a long term relationship with someone you can't stay as passionate as you were from the beginning and that feelings change and grow into something else that she may be mistaking for friendship. She said she couldn't bare to not have me in her life however i declined that we could be friends. She proposed that we go on a break for 3 weeks to give her the chance to miss me and see if we can work things out. She then rang me today and said that she didn't think a break would work cos if she was going to miss me we would have to break up properly so she broke up with me despite me being devastated. She said that she wants things to work but thinks we need time apart for that to happen.

 

I think that we have spent too much time together over holidays and not done enough stuff, it has become a boring routine and the relationship has gone stale. She said she isn't sure if she's mature enough to go to the next step in the relationship which really annoys me as she had talked about a future together in weeks gone by.

 

I'm feeling very lonely and confused at the moment, i'm not eating much and struggling to get my head around what has happened. I suffer with anxiety and this whole predicament is really playing with my head. All my friends have girlfriends and i come from a very remote and isolated area where people couple up very young and if you're single your viewed as being the odd one out. When i'm at university the only way to meet girls is on nights out and i'm absolutely useless at that. I just feel like my whole life has crashed down and my hopes of a girlfriend, family and happy life are shattered. So depressed

[DrDave92]

please, someone? i don't know what to do, i can't cope.

[tinroof]

There's really nothing you can do at this point except stay busy and don't talk to her. It's tough to get out there but go out when you can and just have fun. Stay as busy as you can and make time for friends and family and give her what she wants. If the relationship is supposed to work out it will and by not talking to her she will either figure out what she is missing and mature or in the process you will move on and be able to find happiness outside of the relationship. You can't just be there for her whenever she decides she is ready. You have to live your own life and make the most of everything. If it not talking to her is difficult just imagine that every time her phone goes off and its NOT you she is disappointed. Eventually, she will contact you and either be ready to start over or you will have found someone who appreciates you and knows what they want.

[aisuru]

So sorry to hear you're hurting. This can be a very confusing time. I know you want somebody to tell you it will all work out, she'll change your mind, and that you'll be together. Please don't hang on to that hope.

 

As much as it hurts, this is a good time for you to back away and take care of you. I highly recommend writing, writing, writing. But not to her! Write out the emotions and feelings. Draft a plan on how you will 1. take care of yourself and 2. have no contact with her over the next several months.

 

It hurts, I know. And it's okay to dwell on those feelings for a little bit, but don't let them hold you back from being the best you that you can be.

 

You can't see it right now, but one day, the pain in your heart will dull and life will go on. It's likely you'll cycle through at least a few more relationships over the course of your life where you'll either be the dumper or the dumpee. You'll learn from each of them and each relationship will be better as a result.

 

And some day, you'll end up in a beautiful long term relationship or marriage as a result.

 

Take a breath and breathe. Cry, scream, and let it out. Then pick yourself up and move on for YOU.

[DrDave92]

i just felt like there were things she did wrong in the relationship but i looked past them because i loved her and wanted to make things work, she said she hoped she'd marry me and have a future together and now this. I feel like i've wasted time and all my friends are shacked up in relationships now whilst i'm single, where i live everyone settles really young it's horrible. I can't talk to girls on nights out i just don't see how things are going to get better for me and the way she was talking it seems like she just wants to see other guys. I think she only said that she wants this to work to keep me holding on but even if she did change her mind (which i dont think she will) i know that i wont be able to turn her down but it will just lead to more heartbreak for me.

 

She lives just over the road from me as well and is coming to the same university as me next year, i feel like i can't escape her. Her mum has been divorced 3 times and had about 5 boyfriends in the 2 years i've been with her so that's obviously not a good influence. I just feel destined to be lonely at the minute and can't see how i'll meet anyone else

[316]

I just feel destined to be lonely at the minute and can't see how i'll meet anyone else

 

Of course you do, and there was probably a period of time where you thought the same thing before you met your ex.

 

As hard of a pill this is to swallow you just gotta look at the facts here; relationships come and go. Breakups are a part of life and although they hurt like hell, they only make us stronger and smarter in the end (remember if breakups killed people, we'd all be dead).

 

We're both only 20 dude. We haven't even begun to live life yet. Like you I've only had one real relationship so far but what gets me through the day is remembering the fact that my dating life has just begun. There will be more relationships and there will most likely be more breakups as well. The cycle will only repeat until we finally find that one person that is willing to spend the rest of their lives with us and us with theirs. The pain that you're feeling now will only make that moment so much sweeter.

 

You'll be hurting for a while but you'll be okay bro. Keep a positive attitude, continue to post here whenever you need to vent, and focus on improving yourself so you can be and even better "you" than you are now for your next relationship.

[DrDave92]

before we got together i genuinely never even worried about finding a girlfriend cos i'd never had one before but now that i've had one i just know things were a lot better with someone special in my life than without. I just feel like i've took a huge step backwards and there's going to be so many boring and lonely nights ahead. There are so few girls i know to talk to it's just really tough, i can't see how i'm going to meet anyone and i feel like it's always going to be on my mind now.

[Chi townD]

i just felt like there were things she did wrong in the relationship but i looked past them because i loved her and wanted to make things work, she said she hoped she'd marry me and have a future together and now this. I feel like i've wasted time and all my friends are shacked up in relationships now whilst i'm single, where i live everyone settles really young it's horrible. I can't talk to girls on nights out i just don't see how things are going to get better for me and the way she was talking it seems like she just wants to see other guys. I think she only said that she wants this to work to keep me holding on but even if she did change her mind (which i dont think she will) i know that i wont be able to turn her down but it will just lead to more heartbreak for me.

 

 

You're probably right. She has the GIGS right now and it wouldn't surprise me if she's interested in someone else. But, lets face it. She's 18. She's just a teenager and when we start to mature we tend to want different things in life. We aren't the same person in our 20's as we were when we were 18. So, the chances of this actually being successful were very slim to begin with.

 

And don't worry about being single. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You should enjoy being single for a while and not be hung up on some idea that you have become some kind of social outcast because you're not with anyone right now. Our lives are our own. And we choose who we want to SHARE that life with. Right now, it's your time. Time to make positive changes in your life. And NOTHING is tying you down to that small town. Go take trips somewhere! Get away! Go see something new! Go have an adventure. If you're from England, go to Brighton for a long weekend! They have great restaurants out there and an explosive art scene! Or if you're in the States, take a trip out here. Take a trip to LA! Send back pics of you wiith the Hollywood sign in the backdrop, to walking on Santa Monica pier! Or go to Burning Man in Nevada. Just make a plan and do something! Stay Busy! Try to sleep well and eat (even when you don't feel hungry). Join a gym and GO!! Run on the treadmill and push weight. Work off those frustrations and the stress. Plus, you'll be working towards that rock hard bod that girls WILL NOTICE! Dress nicely ALL the time and get a new hairstyle. Something that people will notice and like. This will help with your self esteem. MAKE POSITIVE CHANGES AND STAY BUSY!!! Look for things to do. There's a great thing called the internet. Look on it for things to do in your surrounding area. Festivals or Mud Runs or....whatever! Just do something fun!

 

And when you're at school, you say that you're garbage at meeting girls when you're out and about. Well, how do you know? Because, for the last two years you were in a relationship. So, you never tried! You just may be nervous about approaching someone and finding that connection. Believe me, just relax and be yourself. Be friendly, be happy and be funny. You'll find that girls will gravitate towards you if you present yourself in this manner. It doesn't take a lot of effort if you present yourself as a fun guy to be around.

 

You're hurting right now, I get it. I understand because I was you. So, I know what you're going through. BUT! You have to look past the pain and see the big picture. You're young and you have no one to hold you down. You can do what you want and go where you want. Nothing is stopping you from having some amazing adventures. But, YOU have to get MOTIVATED!!!

 

The best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good life. Maybe one day your Ex is going to find out what you've been up to and she may say to herself, "Wow! I heard that Dave went backpacking through Spain, That must have been beautiful. I also heard that he went to the Bahamas, and went on a whitewater rafting trip, and scuba diving trip...why couldn't we have done those things when we were together?"

 

Time to get your revenge, dude!

[316]

^Good advice above!

 

before we got together i genuinely never even worried about finding a girlfriend cos i'd never had one before but now that i've had one i just know things were a lot better with someone special in my life than without. I just feel like i've took a huge step backwards and there's going to be so many boring and lonely nights ahead. There are so few girls i know to talk to it's just really tough, i can't see how i'm going to meet anyone and i feel like it's always going to be on my mind now.

 

Of course you want someone special in your life; we all do. But falling in love is easy, which is why it's termed "falling" in love. It requires very little effort and just kinda happens, but MAINTAINING that love is what is extremely difficult and requires a lot of work as well as maturity, which is what your ex lacks. You can't realistically expect an 18 year old girl to settle down for good, so don't think this was your fault in any way. No reason to feel you've taken a step backwards. This scenario happens literally ALL the time among people in our age groups.

 

Learning how to maintain love throughout a relationship, and more importantly learning WHO we should choose to be in a relationship with are what breakups are for. They're teachers. Painful ones but still teachers nonetheless. Use this breakup as a learning experience.

 

I will say once again we're only 20 dude... I know you are upset but I personally guarantee you you'll eventually find an even better girl but only if you maintain a positive attitude and seek self improvement. Your dating life is just beginning. Give yourself a while to mourn the loss of your relationship but after that utilize this time while you're young and single to work on yourself... Try new things, go new places, and you'll eventually be talking to new girls but only if YOU are willing to make the improvements to do so!

[DrDave92]

thanks everyone i really appreciate the support it means a lot to me. At the minute it just keeps hitting me in waves i feel strong and then i remember what i'm missing out on and it kills me again. I think i will miss the physical side of the relationship more than anything. She just came over my house to drop off some stuff and i went out to see her, i asked if she was okay to which she replied 'yep just dropping this off' then she asked if i was going back to university tonight so i said yeah and she said 'okay, well bye' i said bye and she left. She seemed in a rush and didn't want to hang around. I thought i handled myself quite well in the situation, i didn't get emotional but i was quite blunt however i think that's understandable.

[DrDave92]

i text her last night i really wish i hadn't but basically i snapshotted a message she'd sent me less than 3 weeks ago where she'd told me she loved me and that she wanted me forever. She told me to stop and said i was making it hard then i told her she was throwing something good down the drain for no reason. I asked if she wanted me to move on and get over her and she didn't answer this twice and instead said she didn't want to talk to me right now. I told her how hurt and confused i was by things and she told me that she needed space and she ended the message by saying 'talk soon.'

 

I'm finding it hard to move on i know that i should but i'm still clinging to the hope that she's going to change her mind. She's saying 'right now there's nothing you can say to change my mind' as though there will be in the future. We knew each others facebook password and she's changed hers so i can't access it which is understandable i guess but still leads me to think she has something to hide. I know people say don't check their twitter etc. but i did earlier and she's tweeting pictures of model guys she's attracted to saying how gorgeous they are then tweeting a guy she blatantly knows i dislike, i just feel like she wants a reaction.

 

It's as though she doesn't want me to fully move on just in case she finds nothing out there and comes back to me. I know that she will probably only talk to me once she has already moved on and completely gotten over me so that when she does it she will already be healed and nothing i say or do will change her mind or hurt her. I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy i really wouldn't.

 

I still feel like she's inside me and i haven't let go properly or come to terms with it, i know it's soon but i'm just waiting for it to hit me like a steam train. The ease at which she seems to be moving on hurts even more and i know it's a matter of time till i hear about her going on nights out and hooking up with other guys and that is really going to kill me.

 

I keep worrying how i'm going to meet anyone else despite all the positive messages, i look in other forums and there are guys who've gone without partners for years and years.

[DrDave92]

really struggling

[Chi townD]

Dude, you see what little contact with her is doing to you? It's driving you insane! You keep second guessing yourself and questioning everything. She says she doesn't want to be with you right now. I see the words doesn't want to be with you and you're focused on the right now and what's that supposed to mean.

 

NC dude. Stop following her on twitter. Of course she's posting that stuff on twitter! That's for you to buy a clue! That she values lusting over these other guys more than you. So, stop following her on twitter and block her on Facebook. NC, NC< NC!!!!

 

Time to heal and move on. Time to find a girl that wants to be with you after you've healed from this.

[DrDave92]

it's the whole finding a girl after this part that's getting to me. I don't know where to meet women, i was popular in school and college but since going to university i don't talk to any girls and i'm useless at 'pulling' in night clubs. How will i meet anyone else? it's tough seeing everyone else coupled up at the moment.

[Chi townD]

Don't even worry about trying to date someone else right now. To be honest, you're not over your Ex. You still harbor feelings for her. If you're still harboring feelings for another girl, how is that being fair to the girl that you're dating?

 

You need to take the time to heal. The best way to do that is to maintain NC and to work on positive changes in your life. You make these positive changes and it's going help your self esteem and confidence. NC is going to distance your Ex from you and, hopefully, you get to the point when you think of her, all you think of is indifference.

 

Even if you don't think so, right now you are giving of a sad, depressed and angry vibe right now. Girls are going to feel that and they won't gravitate towards you. But, when you learn to love yourself, you find that self condfence and self worth, girls are going to feel that too! They tend to hang around guys who they think are fun to hang around with. So, it will come in time. But, you have to heal first!

[DrDave92]

i know i shouldn't check her stuff but i can't help it at the minute. She's talking to guys she knows i dislike and blatantly flirting with them, she's pretty much throwing open invites out there for people to take up and go to the cinema with her. It's absolutely ridiculous she's just putting herself back in the shop window. I feel like telling her how pathetic she is but i don't want to give her the satisfaction. I can't tell whether she's doing this to annoy me or whether she is genuinely THAT messed up

[DrDave92]

she's uploading suggestive pictures online of her sucking straws with penis's on them to which the guy i hate replied 'shock you with a dick in your mouth' and she replied with a wink saying he was jealous. she is flirting blatantly on twitter with a guy she knows i absolutely hate as we have discussed in the past. It's very frustrating to see and makes me want to ring/text her asking what she's playing at being so disrespectful but i know it's not worth it.

 

I can't establish whether she's doing this for a reaction or she's genuinely not bothered in the slightest but she seems absolutely fine since the breakup which is very painful to see.

 

I know i shouldn't look but at the minute i can't help it, the way she's conducting herself is absolutely disgraceful

[Chi townD]

NC also includes all forms of social media. Not just "not talking" to her. Look, you need to not follow her on twitter and block her facebook.

 

Right now, you're not in NC.

[DrDave92]

i went out clubbing with some friends last night and ended up getting a few girls number and actually hooked up with a girl who seemed quite nice. We agreed to go on a date and she gave me her number but unfortunately when i text her today she hasn't responded. After kissing this girl i felt nothing and if anything it made me feel worse as i am obviously a long distance away from recovery.

 

I ended up calling my ex today as she had been posting some pretty provocative stuff around the internet and i told her i respected her decision to break up with me but the way she was acting was humiliating us both. I asked how she felt about things and said she feels like she's made the right decision in breaking up with me and that she's happy without me. She said that talking to me made things worse for both of us and it would be best if we didn't talk about the relationship anymore. She basically closed the book on any chance of a future reconciliation for us which is what i expected although a small part of me thought she may have changed her mind on things. It was painful and i shouldn't have rang but something needed to be said, i still feel like the worst is to come.

 

Feeling very lonely at the minute

[Chi townD]

Are you going to get serious about NC now?

 

Look, if she wants to present herself as a sl*t and a wh*re, that's her business now. All it's doing is making is making her look cheap and easy. People are going to view you and TOTALLY understand why you're not with her anymore.