seriousgirl Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 i am OW. His kid is 1 and his marriage is now the 4th year. He said he hasnt got the feeling that he is ready to divorce. And he will do it when he feels it's time to file the divorce. But he still loves me . he said he will find me when he is single. WHat does that 'feeling' thing mean ???? Why isnt he ready ?
MissBee Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Hi Serious, Does it matter why? I don't think so. It just matters that he isn't. One thing I learned which has helped me A LOT is to focus on what people are saying and accepting it versus trying to investigate a why in hopes of perhaps changing their minds. What matters is, he has told you the truth. He is not ready to divorce his wife and he will find you when single. Consider yourself lucky! The reality is, majority of MM have no urgent desire or plan to divorce but string the OW along, dangling this carrot of a future that never comes to pass. At least he has verbalized this reality, allowing you to be free to not wait forever. He may really want to divorce but is not ready, he may actually not want to divorce but is letting you down gently, he may just be talking nonsense, he may realize things aren't so bad and his 1 year old and 4 yr old marriage are worth a real try versus running off with you. Whatever the reason, he has allowed you to move on with your life. I'd take it! Accept that he isn't ready, for whatever reason, and trust that you can move on and IF it is meant to be, he will find you when single. It is still painful, but a lot more humane than the moving target of "I'll leave...soon" or "I'm leaving next month" then next month comes and it's "Oh I can't, because I have to plant sit" and that entire game. 8
Goodbye Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 i am OW. His kid is 1 and his marriage is now the 4th year. He said he hasnt got the feeling that he is ready to divorce. And he will do it when he feels it's time to file the divorce. But he still loves me . he said he will find me when he is single. WHat does that 'feeling' thing mean ???? Why isnt he ready ? Who knows. Maybe when his marriage is ruined enough to call it quits? Sounds like he is working on that. This isn't too far off from what my exMM did to me. Said he wanted me but couldn't "figure out" how to leave his wife and son. I kept reminding him he isn't LEAVING his son...just because one divorces, doesn't mean the kids go up for adoption. Yup...and he was telling this to a divorced mom of 3. But, anyway...my advice would be to let him find you when his is divorced, as he's requested. Any other action on your part will only eventually annoy him and hinder your chances of ever having things work out. In the meantime...DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM. This is REALLY hard when you are in love. Distract yourself, work on yourself, date if you can. If he comes back and you want him still...go for it. If he doesn't...you haven't been played. Good luck. Really, I feel your pain. 1
spice4life Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 (edited) Seriousgirl, I think that by saying he will come and find you when he is free is showing that he actually does care about you. He is saying that he doesn't want to subject you to accepting less than you deserve by being a side piece to him while married. Respect what he is telling you and just know that he is saying that he does truly care about you. He is being honest about not being ready to leave yet, so he is setting you free instead of forcing you to accept being tossed tiny crumbs as the OW in an affair. To be honest, that is very honorable in light of the situation. He doesn't want to use you while he's confused about what he wants. You're lucky in my book. Asking someone to accept being in an affair is asking them to accept less than they truly deserve. He cares about you enough to not let you suffer in that way. If you truly care about him then you would want him to leave on his own terms and not because he feels forced to. If you want what's best for him, you should also set him free so he can figure out how he really feels. If he loves you, he will come looking for you once he is divorced. Edited April 28, 2013 by spice4life 1
RickFox Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Seriousgirl, I think that by saying he will come and find you when he is free is showing that he actually does care about you. He is saying that he doesn't want to subject you to accepting less than you deserve by being a side piece to him while married. Respect what he is telling you and just know that he is saying that he does truly care about you. He is being honest about not being ready to leave yet, so he is setting you free instead of forcing you to accept being tossed tiny crumbs as the OW in an affair. To be honest, that is very honorable in light of the situation. He doesn't want to use you while he's confused about what he wants. You're lucky in my book. Asking someone to accept being in an affair is asking them to accept less than they truly deserve. He cares about you enough to not let you suffer in that way. If you truly care about him then you would want him to leave on his own terms and not because he feels forced to. If you want what's best for him, you should also set him free so he can figure out how he really feels. If he loves you, he will come looking for you once he is divorced. I'll disagree, he's not saying he cares about her, he's saying he don't give two shakes of a rat's patootie about her. He's telling her, I'm done with you, Im not leaving my marriage, I don't want to hear you talk about me leaving for you, you were a piece of A** and if someday I should feel like I'm bored again, I'll look you up. Not trying to be harsh, just giving you a male perspective without the romanticism. If he truly cared, he'd apologize for wasting your time, tell you he wants you to find happiness with someone else and that he is not the one for you. That would mean he cares .... 4
spice4life Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I'll disagree, he's not saying he cares about her, he's saying he don't give two shakes of a rat's patootie about her. He's telling her, I'm done with you, Im not leaving my marriage, I don't want to hear you talk about me leaving for you, you were a piece of A** and if someday I should feel like I'm bored again, I'll look you up. Not trying to be harsh, just giving you a male perspective without the romanticism. If he truly cared, he'd apologize for wasting your time, tell you he wants you to find happiness with someone else and that he is not the one for you. That would mean he cares .... Thanks for the clarification. I stand corrected. I completely agree with the second paragraph. I don't really know her story so I did probably inject thing that weren't really there. It could just be that he wants her to leave him alone.
DelusionalOne Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I'll disagree, he's not saying he cares about her, he's saying he don't give two shakes of a rat's patootie about her. He's telling her, I'm done with you, Im not leaving my marriage, I don't want to hear you talk about me leaving for you, you were a piece of A** and if someday I should feel like I'm bored again, I'll look you up. Not trying to be harsh, just giving you a male perspective without the romanticism. If he truly cared, he'd apologize for wasting your time, tell you he wants you to find happiness with someone else and that he is not the one for you. That would mean he cares .... That's EXACTLY what I thought... I'm glad a guy jumped in and said it. I knew it wouldn't hold much weight coming from a woman. Seriousgirl...walk away from this. Let yourself heal and find a nice, single guy who will love you and only you. 2
Comfortable Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Exactly what Rickfox said. And I'll add he's stringing you along for an ego boost. Stop giving him that ego boost. And find your self respect. 1
sunshine6 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 i am OW. His kid is 1 and his marriage is now the 4th year. He said he hasnt got the feeling that he is ready to divorce. And he will do it when he feels it's time to file the divorce. But he still loves me . he said he will find me when he is single. WHat does that 'feeling' thing mean ???? Why isnt he ready ? Who cares why he's not ready. Believe him and walk away. 1
Goodbye Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I'll disagree, he's not saying he cares about her, he's saying he don't give two shakes of a rat's patootie about her. He's telling her, I'm done with you, Im not leaving my marriage, I don't want to hear you talk about me leaving for you, you were a piece of A** and if someday I should feel like I'm bored again, I'll look you up. Not trying to be harsh, just giving you a male perspective without the romanticism. If he truly cared, he'd apologize for wasting your time, tell you he wants you to find happiness with someone else and that he is not the one for you. That would mean he cares .... OUCH!!! I really wish you were wrong. Because I suspect you aren't...and well, it could really be what my exMM is doing. It would be so much more humane to just say "Its over, going back to the wife, good luck." The stringing on thing is a b*tch to get over.
spice4life Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 OUCH!!! I really wish you were wrong. Because I suspect you aren't...and well, it could really be what my exMM is doing. It would be so much more humane to just say "Its over, going back to the wife, good luck." The stringing on thing is a b*tch to get over. I know it's a harsh reality to accept, but maybe knowing that Rickfox is right will help you get the closure you need so you can truly start healing. He is sooo right when he says that if the guy truly cares he will apologize for wasting your time and set you free to find someone who can and will be fully present and totally into you.
Got it Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 i am OW. His kid is 1 and his marriage is now the 4th year. He said he hasnt got the feeling that he is ready to divorce. And he will do it when he feels it's time to file the divorce. But he still loves me . he said he will find me when he is single. WHat does that 'feeling' thing mean ???? Why isnt he ready ? Because the bad isn't outweighing the bad honey. ((((((seriousgirl))))))). My advice, take what he is saying literally, please don't read into it. He is saying he is where he wants to be, he does not see a chance in changing it in the foreseeable future, and regardless of his feelings for you, he is not going to change the situation. And why isn't he ready? Sorry honey, he just isn't. It isn't about you, this doesn't define you, it isn't about whether or not you are good enough. This is about him and his lack of desire to change his life for whatever reasons. As hard as it is, if you want a future with him, and his is what he is offering, you wish him well and you walk. He is not worthy of you, he is not worth any more of your time. I am sorry but I think you two are at a cross roads. Don't compromise on what you want to keep him. Stand by your priorities, boundaries, and needs. (((((((SG)))))))))
Recommended Posts