amolya Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 So I mentioned before about meeting a guy on OLD (lets call him G) who seemed to have some depression issues and also still had feelings for his ex (who btw is totally out of the picture). Anyway I was told that he is emotionally unavailable, I'm a rebound and to keep away etc. Which I definitely took to heart. But I decided I wouldn;t fall for him, so i could continue seeing him casually, if he was ok with it, and so we did. Then this happened: I asked him what connection meant to him. He made some joke "seeing my d*ck inside of someone" then said if a guy asks me about connection he just wants to chat me up. Well I told him that actually yes I was talking about this with a male friend, who has admitted that he'd sleep with me, but that I don't feel the same so it will never happen, and that the conversation was mostly about sexualisation and oppression of women anyway (which it was).. Anyway G suddenly went all sarcastic and said "oh he'd like to F** you, how romantic, I think you should go hook up with him". When I called him out on it, he told me he doesn't want to think of me sleeping with other guys because it makes him feel disconnected and he doesn't want to feel that way because he likes me. I tried to explain myself, saying I'm sorry it upset him, I was just being honest and only mentioned in passing that yes my friend is attracted to me, (so as to acknowledge that G had a point in saying guys who talk about that want to chat you up) , but that I really just wanted to talk about connection. G said "too little too late" and decided he needed to go read somewhere by himself. (btw this whole conversation happened via text). So, now I'm wondering if I am to blame,and if that is something I really shouldn't have mentioned. Or if G just has a lot of emotional baggage and insecurity which is making him act like this. What should I do from here on? I do like this guy otherwise (I've not met someone like him before and I am happy spending time with him, even if its casual), and I know some of you are going to think I'm a total idiot for continuing to see him despite the red flags. Which is probably true. Which is why I need some outside perspective right now. TIA
ja123 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Two points: - Ususally when you start dating someone and trust has not yet been established, it's best to avoid discussing having sex with other's (unless you want to make it clear that it's just a casual FWB situation where you both can date and have sex with others.) - It doesn't sound like you can keep it casual with him (or he with you), so with all of his issues, you should move on if you are looking for a serious bf with the potential to develop into an LTR/marriage. Good luck! 2
TigerCub Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 So I mentioned before about meeting a guy on OLD (lets call him G) who seemed to have some depression issues and also still had feelings for his ex (who btw is totally out of the picture). Anyway I was told that he is emotionally unavailable, I'm a rebound and to keep away etc. Which I definitely took to heart. But I decided I wouldn;t fall for him, so i could continue seeing him casually, if he was ok with it, and so we did. Then this happened: I asked him what connection meant to him. He made some joke "seeing my d*ck inside of someone" then said if a guy asks me about connection he just wants to chat me up. Well I told him that actually yes I was talking about this with a male friend, who has admitted that he'd sleep with me, but that I don't feel the same so it will never happen, and that the conversation was mostly about sexualisation and oppression of women anyway (which it was).. Anyway G suddenly went all sarcastic and said "oh he'd like to F** you, how romantic, I think you should go hook up with him". When I called him out on it, he told me he doesn't want to think of me sleeping with other guys because it makes him feel disconnected and he doesn't want to feel that way because he likes me. I tried to explain myself, saying I'm sorry it upset him, I was just being honest and only mentioned in passing that yes my friend is attracted to me, (so as to acknowledge that G had a point in saying guys who talk about that want to chat you up) , but that I really just wanted to talk about connection. G said "too little too late" and decided he needed to go read somewhere by himself. (btw this whole conversation happened via text). So, now I'm wondering if I am to blame,and if that is something I really shouldn't have mentioned. Or if G just has a lot of emotional baggage and insecurity which is making him act like this. What should I do from here on? I do like this guy otherwise (I've not met someone like him before and I am happy spending time with him, even if its casual), and I know some of you are going to think I'm a total idiot for continuing to see him despite the red flags. Which is probably true. Which is why I need some outside perspective right now. TIA Yup. Sorry But you are setting yourself up for major heartache. You're fooling yourself if you think that you can just tell yourself that your feelings for him will not go past "friendship" and that your feelings will stop at the limit you set in your mind. They're already well past that. I even have a feeling that G may not even be divorced. How are you even sure that he is? Have you ever been to his place? Can you talk to him any time, or does he call you/text you at odd times? Even if he really is legitimately divorced and being honest that you are the rebound, honestly! Take that to heart and move on. You're really setting yourself up here. Leave G to lick his wounds, and you move on to find someone that's available in all ways. 1
Author amolya Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 G was never married. He had a girlfriend and they split up. I've been to his house many times, and we talk pretty much every day via text (he is usually the one to initiate). We talk about our interests , everything. Sometimes he does booty call , and he asks me to go take care of him (because he is ill). Although he admits he is half joking a lot of the time. I assumed we were f buddies, and besides I can't see myself falling in love with someone who maked immature jokes like that and who has emotional baggage I enjoy his company, and i like him but if there is no potential for an actual relationship, I'm cool with that. First and foremost we are friends, and I'm happy just being friends.I'm a very mindful person, and I'm happy living in the moment. My dilemma here, is that I have said something that has really upset an emotionally vulnerable person. I just want to understand what is going on, and how I can make it better.
Object_a Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Do not, I say again DO NOT get into anything with this guy thinking you can 'fix' his problems and everything will be great. It's like pouring water into a leaky bucket. And actually the way he responded to you in the conversation you posted suggests to me that he's very insecure and selfish. He tried to make you feel bad and now YOU feel like it's your fault! That's messed up! I cannot see this ending well for either of you. 1
ja123 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Don't hold back just because he's an emotionally vulnerable person. You won't be doing him any favours. To ultimately be kind, then you should sit him down and tell him that you see him as a casual FWB, and that you'll be dating others. He needs to know the the score. Don't act like you're gf/bf. Do the deed and leave. Otherwise, things could get even more confusing and the last thing someone dealing with depression needs is confusion. Be straight with him; otherwise, you're leading him on, then that's your bad.
TigerCub Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 G was never married. He had a girlfriend and they split up. I've been to his house many times, and we talk pretty much every day via text (he is usually the one to initiate). We talk about our interests , everything. Sometimes he does booty call , and he asks me to go take care of him (because he is ill). Although he admits he is half joking a lot of the time. I assumed we were f buddies, and besides I can't see myself falling in love with someone who maked immature jokes like that and who has emotional baggage I enjoy his company, and i like him but if there is no potential for an actual relationship, I'm cool with that. First and foremost we are friends, and I'm happy just being friends.I'm a very mindful person, and I'm happy living in the moment. My dilemma here, is that I have said something that has really upset an emotionally vulnerable person. I just want to understand what is going on, and how I can make it better. Thanks for explaining. Yeah ok, so...you said something that hurt his feelings. You apologized. Next, he needs to get over it because really, you didn't anything to hurt him on purpose and you are pretty much FWB, so you don't owe him anything more, and he just needs to stop being a baby. If he values your "friendship" as much as you seem to, he will just get past it. So I'd suggest to leave him until he has had time to get over it. If he wants what you have like you do, he will get past it because in all honesty, you did nothing wrong here. so fight whatever urge you have to contact him and apologize anymore.
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