"Are you asking me on a date?"

[irc333]

Sometimes when I encounter single women, and I ask them out.....doesn't happen frequently as much as it used to, but for some reason they were not entirely sure if I was asking them out on a date or "as friends".

 

Of course, the OBVIOUS answer..."Of course it's a date...duhhhhh!" (What rock have you been living under, lol)

 

Anyhow, I'm going back to recall asking a woman out by phone....and then she calls me back 5 mins later, and she said, "Do you mean as in a date?"

 

And I responded, "Um yeah, what did you think it was?"

 

Then she said, "Hm, sorry, but not thinking of you as someone I would go out on a date with, but I have no problem seeing you at the next Meetup event"

 

But, I am kind of baffled why would a woman think otherwise? Perhaps ladies can give some idea?

 

Does a man have to metaphorically hit the woman in the head with a frying pan to make his intentions obvious?

[crude]

It's no wonder. You've been in the news.

 

http://oi39.tinypic.com/5l8azc.jpg

[Buttercup84]

I am the same lol. Unless it is a male friend of mine. If a guy asked if I would like a drink or dinner, I would wonder if he just sees me as a friend.

 

If he said " Can I take you out for dinner ?" I would see it as a date.

[tricolors]

I made a thread about the same thing recently. She didn't know it was a date until I referenced it as being one to her like a week later after we went.

 

Apparently sometimes you think your intent is blatantly clear. I asked this woman out, I bought her a fairly expensive theater ticket, and took her to dinner (which she ended up insisting on paying for, as she knew I paid a lot for the theater tickets, so I felt alright with it.)

 

She had already been very flirty with me, and I with her, so I thought it was pretty clear I wanted to go out on a date with her...then (to make a long story short, I've already explained this before in other threads) when I called it as such, she said "Oh, I thought we were just hanging out."

 

In any case, we're fine now...but if I hadn't defined it as being a date right then and there she might have thought I wasn't really interested in her in that way...so I think it's worthwhile to make your intent known.

 

Maybe it's a case of women wanting to hear you're interested in them...it's sort of a compliment.

[irc333]

She had already been very flirty with me, and I with her, so I thought it was pretty clear I wanted to go out on a date with her...then (to make a long story short, I've already explained this before in other threads) when I called it as such, she said "Oh, I thought we were just hanging out."

 

Right...I had asked a female friend about this....apparently it's in the way your PHRASE the question that can drop you in the FZ or Date-zone.

 

I never knew this until a few years ago, but apparently if you start the sentence, "I'd like to take you out to dinner" or just "I'd like to take you out" or just SAY it, "I'd like to go on a date with you this Sat night."

 

I think guys got away from making their intentions known, now days, women don't care much for "forward" men.

 

I have a male friend that follows this philosophy, and unfortunately, he's landed some dates...but moves incredibly too slow for them. Women DO find him attractive, so he has no problem in that department.

 

He's an attractive man, but with "Average Joe" tendencies and personality.

 

He prefers to ask them in the "hanging out" kind of fashion. He actually had a woman ask him if it was a date, and he was kind of wishy washy in his response with something like, "Well, I figured we'd go to this event, and just have some fun together."

 

He kept over emphasizing the word "fun" when attending the event, but he was tap dancing around the fact he had an interest in her.

 

He would never say to a woman, "I'd like to take you out on a date" directly, in fact he sees that as a bad move because he prefers to get to know them over time in his social circle and gatherings.

 

It's kind of funny, because a lot of men zone in on the women of their interests, sometimes surrounding her and asking for her phone # at the end of the social mixer.

 

While he just prefers to wait to see her again a few more times, to get to know her to see if he WOULD ask her out in time.

 

A bit unorthodox, but....he's too slow moving.

 

I had a few male friends tell me, "Just get to know her as a friend, that's how I met my wife! No big deal, just hang out...get to know her, etc etc"

 

The concept is alien to me.

 

But he was saying since its 2013, and women are on the HIGH defensive these days....it's best to keep it in the "hanging out" stage.

 

Apparently, women simply don't like a man who moves fast?

[Buttercup84]

I personally want the guy to be honest. If he wants it to be a date, call it a date not hanging out.

[irc333]

I personally want the guy to be honest. If he wants it to be a date, call it a date not hanging out.

 

 

Yeah, I Had some guys say otherwise....not sure why...apparently they're under the impression that women don't like to be asked out in such a "Forward" fashion and you'll be immediately shot down...regardless of their interest in you.

[Alma Mobley]

Sometimes when I encounter single women, and I ask them out.....doesn't happen frequently as much as it used to, but for some reason they were not entirely sure if I was asking them out on a date or "as friends".

 

Of course, the OBVIOUS answer..."Of course it's a date...duhhhhh!" (What rock have you been living under, lol)

 

Anyhow, I'm going back to recall asking a woman out by phone....and then she calls me back 5 mins later, and she said, "Do you mean as in a date?"

 

And I responded, "Um yeah, what did you think it was?"

 

Then she said, "Hm, sorry, but not thinking of you as someone I would go out on a date with, but I have no problem seeing you at the next Meetup event"

 

But, I am kind of baffled why would a woman think otherwise? Perhaps ladies can give some idea?

 

Does a man have to metaphorically hit the woman in the head with a frying pan to make his intentions obvious?

 

I dunno. I think some men confuse women with their actions, which is why we don't always know if it is a date.

 

Here is an example:

I met a man and we seemed to hit it off. I told him where I worked. He showed up at my job to chat, and we talked for around an hour. Then he asked me, right when I was closing up, if I'd like to go to dinner with him. I accepted, but because I was not sure if it was a date, I said, in the car, if we could go some place cheap. He then said he had it covered.

 

"Oh," I thought, perhaps this is a date?

 

So, he took me to dinner. Then he wanted to take me to a movie. Right after the movie, he asked if I wanted to have cocktails with him. I accepted, and I still tried to pay (he would not let me). During this whole "date" he asked me questions, like, "Are you seeing someone?" "Have you ever been married?" "Do you have kids?" "Do you see yourself getting married?" The last three questions were over the cocktails.

 

When he dropped me off, he kissed me on the forehead and asked if I wanted to "go out again" and got my number.

 

Then, later, when I asked this same guy if we were ever going to do something again -- hard to describe the context, but I was being flirtatious and light-hearted -- he acted shocked, SHOCKED -- that I thought we had been on a date. Huh? Then he said he was "flattered" that I asked HIM out.

 

I mean, it is fine if you decided you didn't like me or something, but to turn around and say we never had a date and it was a friends thing (he never wanted to be friends, btw)? That happened years ago, but it made me wary for awhile of thinking anything was a date when a guy wanted to hang out with me, unless he was VERY obvious.

 

I now think that what I had with that guy WAS a date, he was just too cowardly to say he was no longer interested. BTW, he texted me two days later about a great time he had, too. It is fine if someone is no longer interested, but back then it really messed with my head, as I was new to the dating world, so I treated so many "dates" after that as not dates because he made me so paranoid! Lol.

 

So glad I am no longer single...

[irc333]

Then he asked me, right when I was closing up, if I'd like to go to dinner with him. I accepted, but because I was not sure if it was a date, I said, in the car, if we could go some place cheap. He then said he had it covered.

 

IT's kind of funny, because I hear things like, if you ask a woman to join you for a NON-dinner get together.

 

"Hey, let's crab a Coke" or "Let's stop by the cafeteria to grab a bite"

 

"grab a bite to eat" or using the word "grab" any kind of consumable food....I wouldn't think would be a date....but guys use this as a "transitional" way to dating?

 

I think a lot of men use small first steps before making it romantic.

 

Somewhere down the road, if man blatantly uses the "D" word the VERY first time he meets a woman...it might scare them off.

 

 

I recall this one time....I used to go this bookstore quite frequently...there was a new manager to this store...and she had recently moved into the area.

 

I used to go to the store frequently just to see her...and then I asked her if she'd like to grab lunch during her break.

 

KEEP in mind....this is a woman I had just met, she was a total stranger to me, I had only seen her very casually on an acquaince level as a customer who liked browsing the aisles

 

So, I was assured, if I were to ask this woman out, no matter WHAT the function was ....that since she is a STRANGER to me, she's NEW in town...it could be assumed by her it was a date.

 

It was at the cafe court, and we did pay for out own meals...since after all...we were strangers to each other getting ot know each other.

 

 

We both sit down and start talking...and she brings up the boyfriend IN conversation...we started talking about hobbies, and she says, "Yeah, my boyfriend likes doing that"

 

I got rather angry at the time...but I kept my cool and said, "Um, so your boyfriend doesn't mind you having lunch with strange men you meet a bookstore?"

 

ANd she goes, "No he doesn't mind me having friends"

 

ANd I told her how unacceptable how I thought this was....and she did apologize for the confusion...but I was baffled by the fact as to how she could NOT know I had an interest in her.

 

Note: If a man you barely know, asks you out to any kind of function...the woman should think it's a date.

 

She didn't feel the need the past 2 times to mention the boyfriend before I asked her out, but only during lunch.

 

I was wondering if she was thinking the ENTIRE Time, "Hm, I wonder if I should somehow mention the boyfriend now?"

[carhill]

Tip: In pre-asking out interactions, bring up interests and activities which often are engaged in by couples. Heck, I get women to talk about their husbands (where they're not wearing a wedding ring) or boyfriends while standing in supermarket checkout lines. It's easy. It's also easier to catch them lying.

[irc333]

Tip: In pre-asking out interactions, bring up interests and activities which often are engaged in by couples. Heck, I get women to talk about their husbands (where they're not wearing a wedding ring) or boyfriends while standing in supermarket checkout lines. It's easy. It's also easier to catch them lying.

 

 

Good pointer, Carhill....but...as there are always exceptions...there's this one woman I know that goes to these Meetup events (she's an outdoors person mostly)...but she comes by herself all the time....she has a boyfriend she's living with ,but he is a home body, big nerd that is always playing video games on the weekends.

 

I've always wondered if there'd be a way to snag her away from him. LOL For one, it's good that the boyfriend isn't with her, because you can get away with flirting with her without him present. ;-)

[Mrlonelyone]

I think it depends on the age of the people involved.

 

If you are both young early 30's or 20's then asking to hang out as part of a group of friends is the way to go. Then get closer to the woman within the group.

 

If you are both over the early 30's then people just want to get to the point.

[carhill]

The other side of the coin is would 'snagging' an orbiter collector be a worthwhile pursuit? Since you like to observe, watch the interactions and see how it goes.

 

In any event, that particular woman has disclosed her boyfriend and, whether you merely believe her story or have met the boyfriend, it appears that avenue of pursuit would be closed, presuming you generally decline to 'hit on' attached women.

 

For some interesting observations, ask her on a date directly and have a little fun with any response. I learned to do this with MW's just to see how far they'd go. Observing boundaries can be an interesting 'hobby' and a positive side-effect is getting more 'hitting on' experience, for lack of a better phrase. Ironically, I learned this behavior from MW's. It's what they do. Since nothing is going to 'happen', it's OK.

[crederer]

I've had the opposite happen basically. I've talked to some women and I meant for it to be a casual, friendly encounter. And I've had them say something along the lines of "I have a boyfriend", or "I'm not interested in a date".

 

Uh, just because I made a couple of jokes doesn't mean I want to get with you. Get over yourself.

[ScreamingTrees]

I am the same lol. Unless it is a male friend of mine. If a guy asked if I would like a drink or dinner, I would wonder if he just sees me as a friend.

 

If he said " Can I take you out for dinner ?" I would see it as a date.

 

Can I take you out for dinner ... At the bar? Australian accents are really hot. Let me put my shrimp on ya barbie!

[Granin]

It's a difficult one

 

 

My main point would be to ask a woman out for a drink or a meal, and if there's no questioning as to what the context is she's ok for it to be a date. What is a "date" anyway? If you're with her 1 on 1, you aren't already friends and she hasn't expressed clear disinterest, roll with it.

 

 

Just flirt, escalate the sexual tension and build to a kiss. Overthinking is the worst mistake you can make in "dating" anyway.

 

 

If a girl goes out with you, allows you to flirt, reciprocates, never questions your intentions and it's obvious you two aren't already established friends, and she DOESN'T bring anything up prior to you making a move or going out, the fault is really on her. Some women are oblivious or just enjoy attention they aren't going to pay back in kind fully, either way, it's not your fault if a girl does that to you. It's either her ego or she's really naïve.

 

 

Just confidently escalate things and don't state your intentions blatantly. That never goes down well with women in my experience. Things happening naturally, or at least to feel natural, are the way she wants it to go, and to be honest, you too.

Edited April 28, 2013 by Granin

[sillyanswer]

Tip: In pre-asking out interactions, bring up interests and activities which often are engaged in by couples.

 

That sounds a little early to be talking about sex.

[emuchic]

ugh, the dreaded "do you want to hang out?". if a man wants a proper date, he needs to man up and spell it out. otherwise, i'd rather "hang out" with my girlfriends.

 

another gripe: what is it with all the coffee/drink dates?? how non-committal (and unoriginal).

To paraphrase Whitney Cummings, "Sure I'll have coffee with you. Morton's has coffee." haha.

 

i have high standards- some may say i'm too picky... hm, maybe that's why i'm single.

Edited April 28, 2013 by emuchic

[Star Gazer]

"Hanging out" if you're over college age is not a date. It's a lazy way of trying to make it a date when it's not really a date.

 

You don't have to say "I'd like to take you out" to make it a date, nor does the word "grab" indicate it's not a date. "Are you free Saturday? Let's go to Buckeye Roadhouse for dinner" works. So does, "Would you like to grab done drinks this weekend? I know a great little wine bar."

 

I think your problem is that you're going to all of these Meetup groups, where people go to participate in their chosen activity, not expecting or wanting to be hit on, and so when you approach them, they assume you mean as friends.

[CARL45]

Let's be honest date to a woman mean's that you basically want to marry them or get serious. You have to be careful when it comes to way you say things to women because to them dating is a lot of pressure. Think about it from the woman's perspective they don't want to get involved with someone who might hurt them emotionally or physically. This is a reason why many women are very sensitive about the word date.

[outsidethebox]

I don't understand being with a single female as a friend. I don't even know how that is possible. It must be because people say they do it but I don't understand it.

[sillyanswer]

another gripe: what is it with all the coffee/drink dates?? how non-committal (and unoriginal).

 

Because if you don't like your date you don't have to put up with their company for long.

[emuchic]

Because if you don't like your date you don't have to put up with their company for long.

 

how can you know if you initially "like" someone if you spend anything less than 1-2 hrs with them? Heck, I can down an espresso in seconds. so the logic is... you can get to know more about a person in 45min coffee date or while they are buzzed from drinking on an empty stomach?

 

lunch/brunch/dinner. galleries. museums. a simple walk in the park on a lovely day... those "first date" activities will give you so much more insight to a person.

 

whatever, i'll just say what everyone else (may or may not be) thinking. A guy who asks me out for coffee or drinks is either cheap, or looking to hook-up or a bit of both. (minimal effort, maximal return). I'll have coffee with my platonic friends, thank you very much.

Edited April 28, 2013 by emuchic

[Granin]

There's some really odd opinions here ...

 

 

I'm from the UK, and I know "dating" culture is a lot more ... structured, in the US? It seems to be more ordered and formal.

 

 

There's nothing cheap about asking someone out for a drink. I think it's great to get creative when you actually get to know someone, but starting out with a drink is just normal and fine. It'd be ridiculous to jump in at the deep end and go sky diving.

 

 

A drink is perfect to get to know someone. There's virtually no activity other than raising a glass to your mouth every now and then. It's just pure intimate conversation. You can lengthen the activity depending on how much fun you're having, you just get another drink or drink at a slower pace.

 

 

It's the perfect first "date". Nothing "lazy" about it

 

 

I also have no idea why things have to be labelled as like using the word "date". In my experience the word is barely used in the UK and people tend to avoid using it. It seems to be mostly American culture

[Star Gazer]

A guy who asks me out for coffee or drinks is either cheap, or looking to hook-up or a bit of both. (minimal effort, maximal return). I'll have coffee with my platonic friends, thank you very much.

 

Drinks and appetizers are actually preferred for me.

 

But coffee? No. The guys I've met for coffee were only interested in literally seeing me face to face, and then setting up a proper date. I interpreted them to be the type to cycle through women very quickly. Not my cup of tea.