Henni Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Hello. After difficult times getting his W to agree to terms, lots of anger from her and trying to turn the kids against him, MM has got his divorce agreement signed. In six months the divorce will be final. He has to leave a beautiful house he worked hard for and try to find a way to prevent his kids being dragged into arguments and manipulated. It's not a time for celebration, it's hard, even if it's the right thing to do. I would like to ask those out there who have been though their SO getting a divorce, what did you do? What do you say? Even though the marriage was very bad for a long time, this is still a massive change for him, I don't want to intrude on his grieving process, I don't want to cut him off either. If you've been through this and come out the other side, or if you've been the one asking for divorce and moving on, what helps?
Goodbye Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Hello. After difficult times getting his W to agree to terms, lots of anger from her and trying to turn the kids against him, MM has got his divorce agreement signed. In six months the divorce will be final. He has to leave a beautiful house he worked hard for and try to find a way to prevent his kids being dragged into arguments and manipulated. It's not a time for celebration, it's hard, even if it's the right thing to do. I would like to ask those out there who have been though their SO getting a divorce, what did you do? What do you say? Even though the marriage was very bad for a long time, this is still a massive change for him, I don't want to intrude on his grieving process, I don't want to cut him off either. If you've been through this and come out the other side, or if you've been the one asking for divorce and moving on, what helps? Are you still in a relationship with him? I am divorced. I initiated the divorce because the marriage was not good. Even though it was the right thing to do, it was scarring. What I can say is now I feel relief. Yes, the kids got dragged into it and it wasn't fun for anyone. Your MM is probably venting to you about his wife...but trust me, her side isn't all rosey either. I'd say comfort him, ask him what he needs/wants, give him space to recreate himself and ask him to be respectful of his now ex-wife. It will go along way toward healing the mess, with the kids included. I'm doing well now, no regrets leaving the marriage. Ex-H is doing well too. I don't like him at all, but it's ok. I've learned to accept that he is a very different parent than I am, but it takes all types. Encourage your MM to NEVER talk ill of his wife to the kids, NEVER. It is so hurtful. In fact, if he can muster it, he should give them permission to love her as much as possible. The kids need to know there is so much love to go around. My kids are 3 years out of the divorce now and have just mastered all the ins and outs of having two separate homes. It gets easier. It does. They know they are loved, and they can even understand that there is now more peace with mom and dad living separately. As corny as it is...think peace. Be glad she got the beautiful home. It will give the kids stability and it will help her to move on in her life. Help you MM by showing him there is life after divorce. Good luck to you. Sounds like yours is one of the stories where it could just all work out in the end. 6
Author Henni Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Are you still in a relationship with him? I am divorced. I initiated the divorce because the marriage was not good. Even though it was the right thing to do, it was scarring. What I can say is now I feel relief. Yes, the kids got dragged into it and it wasn't fun for anyone. Your MM is probably venting to you about his wife...but trust me, her side isn't all rosey either. I'd say comfort him, ask him what he needs/wants, give him space to recreate himself and ask him to be respectful of his now ex-wife. It will go along way toward healing the mess, with the kids included. I'm doing well now, no regrets leaving the marriage. Ex-H is doing well too. I don't like him at all, but it's ok. I've learned to accept that he is a very different parent than I am, but it takes all types. Encourage your MM to NEVER talk ill of his wife to the kids, NEVER. It is so hurtful. In fact, if he can muster it, he should give them permission to love her as much as possible. The kids need to know there is so much love to go around. My kids are 3 years out of the divorce now and have just mastered all the ins and outs of having two separate homes. It gets easier. It does. They know they are loved, and they can even understand that there is now more peace with mom and dad living separately. As corny as it is...think peace. Be glad she got the beautiful home. It will give the kids stability and it will help her to move on in her life. Help you MM by showing him there is life after divorce. Good luck to you. Sounds like yours is one of the stories where it could just all work out in the end. Thank you, it helps to hear your perspective. I really do hope for peace for both of them, and for myself. I guess we kind of are still in a relationship - we talk, we care a lot about each other. I have tried to help him to see that her having the house may be better for all involved than a battle over it, but he built it himself, it's hard. He is grieving leaving the house and living full time with his kids, but doesn't seem to be grieving the marriage at all, I guess that happened years ago. It doesn't help that she is constantly disrespecting him in front of the kids and trying to manipulate them to not spend time with him. She seems to be very angry and disappointed, although she doesn't want to be with him either, her disappointment with life in general at the moment is coming out that way. I can understand it and hope that it gets better when she is out of the marriage. I've also said he shouldn't disrespect her, he doesn't do this in front of the kids, he knows this and they are his no.1 priority, but he can't stop the flood of anger from her....and I don't know what to say when he's recounting these horror stories, other than - you can stop this, even by walking away, just say - i'm not doing this in front of the kids....but....so hard to know what to say or do. I keep saying - get yourself and your kids to counselling. That's about the only thing I know for certain to say. That, and that he should take his time and space to figure out his life. 1
cocorico Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Hello. After difficult times getting his W to agree to terms, lots of anger from her and trying to turn the kids against him, MM has got his divorce agreement signed. In six months the divorce will be final. He has to leave a beautiful house he worked hard for and try to find a way to prevent his kids being dragged into arguments and manipulated. It's not a time for celebration, it's hard, even if it's the right thing to do. I would like to ask those out there who have been though their SO getting a divorce, what did you do? What do you say? Even though the marriage was very bad for a long time, this is still a massive change for him, I don't want to intrude on his grieving process, I don't want to cut him off either. If you've been through this and come out the other side, or if you've been the one asking for divorce and moving on, what helps? It's some years back now, but I remember the acrimony and the bitterness of the fall-out persisting for quite some time. He needed a "safe space" to retreat from the constant barrage of hate and venom she kept sending his way, even though all communication was supposed to go through his lawyer. He would try to ignore her unprovoked attacks but occasionally he would snap and respond, and then beat himself up over it. In the end we decided that the best solution was to block her on his mobile, and to filter his email so that anything from any of her accounts forwarded to me. I would simply delete anything abusive, and if there was anything substantive, I would forward it to his lawyer. I changed my settings so that she'd get a receipt confirmation from my email account each time one of her messages hit my inbox, and the volume dropped dramatically and ultimately settled down to only terse communications regarding finances concerning the kids. He did need a space to vent, but we did not want our R contaminated with theirs, so he would vent to friends and find other outlets for aggression, like exercise. The kids were with us, and we were also wary of them being exposed to too much of the toxicity, so we tried to keep family time constructive, finding new ways of doing things that worked for all of us, exploring the surrounds of the new house, meeting new people and treating it all as an adventure. There was grieving, of course - "camping" in rented accommodation with few comforts while she lived alone in his "dream house" with all the mod cons he'd invested in over the years really hurt him, as he'd tried so hard to provide a nice home for the kids and that was lost to them (at least initially) and also he felt bad for not being able to live up to his promise to take care of her and shield her from a hostile world that would not understand how broken she was. But beyond acknowledging the loss of dreams and physical surrounds, and the pain of change, it wasn't something we dwelt on. We focused on the future and the present much more than the past. For the kids, especially, it mattered that some things became possible that had not been before, and that the textures of daily life were different. It was a time of great change for all of us, and we did not focus on any one person or allow it to become all about loss. You may see this as _his_ D, but it's also the transition of _your_ R, and your own changes should not be overlooked. As a couple, you need to make sure you both get enough emotional space and enough emotional closeness. It can be a time of great intimacy and hope, despite all the negative consequences of loss. I hope it all goes well for you. 1
spice4life Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 (edited) It sounds like you are doing all of the right things Henni. Telling him to walk away and say "we're not doing this in front of the kids" is excellent advice. Counseling is also great even if it is just him and the children. Divorce is tough, but it gets better once all of the dust settles and people move on. I was having dinner with my children on the 3rd year anniversary of the separation and divorce and my oldest said, "Gosh Mom, things are so peaceful now. I understand why you and Dad had to divorce now. You were just not right for each other." And this happens even if the other parent is toxic and mired in anger as that was the case in my situation. I never disparaged my exH to the kids even though him and his family were doing that to me. I was even accused of cheating which was totally not true. That spoke volumes to my kids and they respected me for it. There was the occasional outburst from me when I was pushed waaay beyond my limits, but I always apologized to my kids and explained why I reacted that way. They understood completely and would say, "It's fine Mom. You're allowed to freak out sometimes!...lol. We understand why." You sound awesome Henni. He is lucky to have a wonderful woman like you. And when times get tough don't forget that. Pull back during those times and remind yourself that you are not doing anything wrong, you're doing all that can to support him without adding negative fuel to the fire and you just have hunker down and make it through the muck together. Keep up the great work! Edited April 28, 2013 by spice4life 1
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Just allow him time and space to grieve the loss and help his children adjust. It might be good for them all to do family counseling since there are major changes that affects them all. Maybe suggest that to him. This time and space will be good for you as well. You guys need to get out of the affair dynamic completely otherwise any future relationship will be based on affair stuff. Once he's had time, then 'date' him. Take it slow..Don't just pick up and continue on, have sex and be together. Be a friend, but from afar. Stop having intimacy with him until things are settled. Don't get too involved or ask details of what is going on. If he talks to you about it all too much, suggest he go talk to a therapist because you shouldn't be his T during his divorce. Hope this helps. 1
Author Henni Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 spice4life, your words really touch me. I really respect your attitude with your kids, despite the hurt you must have felt, I admire your grace. The last thing I want to do is add to any confusion or hurt, I'm trying to figure out the best thing for him and his kids, and also for his wife. I genuinely hope that getting out of this marriage, which brings her much anger and disappointment, bring her the kind of peace you describe. I hope for peace for all of us, regardless of what happens between me and stbxMM. Whichwayisup - i'm trying to do that, your advice makes perfect sense. It is hard to back away and leave him to it, when I know he is hurting badly, hard not to know what's going on, hard to think of his kids listening to their Mom say he is a bad father and feeling they have to defend him.....so sad! But anything I'm going through is nothing compared to what he, his wife, and kids are going through, and I will give it all space because I simply can't help them. Thank you both for your words - I didn't expect such a supportive response, it's a really impressive thing. 1
spice4life Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Thank you, Henni. It was not an easy road, but we all made it through and are much better off today because of it all. Just remember that it's all about balance. Keep your life balanced as much as possible so you are better equipped emotionally to handle the stress the situation may bring at times. Having his own place, space and time with the kids will help him control how many toxic interactions they face. The amount of peaceful time they have together will far out weigh those toxic incidents and will just get better with time as he adjusts. You're doing all you can do at the moment. You're not abandoning him and you are also taking care of yourself. That's key. Don't let the demise of his marriage make you lose "you" in the process. You are not responsible for her happiness; she is. And once he is divorced he is not responsible for her happiness either. She will need to find out on her own what makes her happy. You having compassion and not interferring is the best thing you can do. Make sure you take care of you and continue living your own life outside of this situation. That is extremely important.
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