TiaraI Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I just had an abortion about 2 weeks ago but still haven't told him about it. I had good reasons and part of is mainly because we're both college students and our ages are 22 (me) and 23 (him), are still living with our parents and I'm not ready for kids at this point. However, my bf has been excited since the day I told him I was pregnant and bought a crib and baby clothes. Right now he is questioning why he doesn't hear the baby's kicks anymore. I don't know how to tell her that I had an abortion at the 10th week. But I don't think he would have been ready either. He is still studying and I think I did us a favor. Only thing, I never really told him and just went along with the abortion. He doesn't know.
Author TiaraI Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Or should I just make up a lie about how I had a miscarriage? I don't want to lose him over this but he and our family (neither of my family know about this either nor his) will be devastated.
CC12 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 For real? Yes, tell him what you decided to do. Don't let him keep being excited about something that's not going to happen. Your question sounds like something someone would ask when they want to get people on the internet riled up. Have fun with that. 3
Author TiaraI Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Yes, for real. I knew a baby make things more complicated. I really want to finish college, get my degree and then I will be ready for a child. I just didn't want to proceed with the pregnancy. It was rather making me depressed than happy.
todreaminblue Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 (edited) Would you? I had an abortion about 2 weeks ago but he doesn't know about this. He thinks I'm still expecting but is at the same questioning about why he doesn't hear the baby's kicks anymore. We're in our 20's and in college so I figured out a baby would be too much for us to handle at this point. Now for sure I'm going to lose him. Don't want to. I think you know you should have talked to him......whatever made you choose not to tell him was not a good choice to make......understand he is going to be upset....i dotn know his beliefs or values, but you do ...so i think that is why you feel you are going to lose him for sure........be accepting of whatever choice he decides to make because you didnt allow him one before..real men are not fond of being in the dark.you put him there....so try to understand when you shed light ....he is not going to like that light you shed..he has the right now to choose whther he can forgive you no one on here will know if he can or not............i wish you happiness I hope you find it in your future.....i feel for you.....deb Edited April 28, 2013 by todreaminblue
Author TiaraI Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 This is going to be the hardest part; telling him that it's not going to happen anymore. I'm going to write a message right through his email. Thing is we would often talk about our future and about how we would get married after finishing college. Now I'm going to lose him.
CC12 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Yes, for real. I knew a baby make things more complicated. I really want to finish college, get my degree and then I will be ready for a child. Okay. Then tell your boyfriend this and see how he feels about it. There's no good way to say this to someone who was looking forward to a baby. So just tell him. "I terminated the pregnancy two weeks ago. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I did it because [reasons.]" Question answered. Is there anything else you want advice on?
Author TiaraI Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Okay. Then tell your boyfriend this and see how he feels about it. There's no good way to say this to someone who was looking forward to a baby. So just tell him. "I terminated the pregnancy two weeks ago. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I did it because [reasons.]"Ok. I'm starting to write a message to his email and explained him the reasons. Question answered. Is there anything else you want advice on? Will he forgive me?
CC12 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Heyyyy, waaaait a minute. Do babies start kicking at ten weeks in? I think they do not. Pregnant ladies: Confirm/deny? Ok. I'm starting to write a message to his email and explained him the reasons. Email is not appropriate for this. This isn't like, "Hey, hun, can you pick up some milk on the way home?" This is the sort of thing you need to tell him in person. Will he forgive me? Who cares. You're going to have to tell him sooner or later. 3
Archgirl Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Aww babe. I'm sorry. This is an awful place to be. Is it ok to ask why you didn't tell him? Was it because you didn't think he would accept your decision?
Author TiaraI Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Aww babe. I'm sorry. This is an awful place to be. Is it ok to ask why you didn't tell him? Was it because you didn't think he would accept your decision?Yes, he would have told me not to. He is really against abortion unless it involved raped, incest or the woman has serious health conditions. He used to say that abortion just because a woman wants it is like killing a baby to him. He has this strong view, which is why I'm having a hard time informing him what I did.
Author TiaraI Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Email is not appropriate for this. This isn't like, "Hey, hun, can you pick up some milk on the way home?" This is the sort of thing you need to tell him in person. Who cares. You're going to have to tell him sooner or later.I'm sorry this is getting you upset. Didn't mean to come of as uncaring but I was desperate at that moment. Yes, I will tell him. I have to. What to do if he gets upset and breaks up with me? I love my bf and this is the guy I wanted a future with but at a later time.
Archgirl Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Yes, he would have told me not to. He is really against abortion unless it involved raped, incest or the woman has serious health conditions. He used to say that abortion just because a woman wants it is like killing a baby to him. He has this strong view, which is why I'm having a hard time informing him what I did. Hmmm. How supportive is he of you otherwise? Are you worried he will get violent? I'm guessing that part of the reason you decided to go through with such a hard decision is because you didn't want to have a baby with this guy? 1
Noproblem Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 It's your body, but the baby belonged to both of you You shouldn't have done something like that without telling him. It's your life and I understand, but whatever happens, he won't forget what you did. No matter how many years passes by, he will still remember you killed his baby! I understand your reasons, frankly I don't like babies and I think too much of my future, still it should have been a mutual decision, what you did is worse than cheating .... Anyway, I hope you are feeling ok...Hopefully next time you will use protections, or give up the baby for adoption, there are many miserable couples who just want any baby.... 1
Author TiaraI Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 (edited) Hmmm. How supportive is he of you otherwise? Are you worried he will get violent?Not really. I'm going to have to tell him anyway but he might not want to do anything with me afterwards. In one of our conversations I recalled him telling about that if he hated a woman or considers she did something terrible, he wouldn't hit her but just never speak to her again and how she would be dead in his eyes. Indifference is worst than hate. I'm guessing that part of the reason you decided to go through with such a hard decision is because you didn't want to have a baby with this guy?Not at this point but maybe later on after finishing school. Edited April 28, 2013 by TiaraI
CC12 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I'm sorry this is getting you upset. Not at all, teacup! What to do if he gets upset and breaks up with me? I guess you'll have to accept it. I love my bf and this is the guy I wanted a future with but at a later time. You want a future with him but at a later time? Well, then you'll probably get the break you need. Think of it as a blessing, yes?
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 You don't feel baby kicks until at least 20 weeks. If your BF felt kicks, trust me, it was just your stomach gurgling. The baby at ten weeks is little more than the size of a prune. No way can 'baby kicks' be felt. 3
Archgirl Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Not really. I'm going to have to tell him anyway but he might not want to do anything with me afterwards. In one of our conversations I recalled him telling about that if he hated a woman or considers she did something terrible, he wouldn't hit her but just never speak to her again and how she would be dead in his eyes. Indifference is worst than hate. Not at this point but maybe later on after finishing school. I really hope he doesn't leave you. I hope you don't have to go through this alone. But it is your body and was ultimately your choice. Hopefully he'll see that and understand, especially if he is otherwise a good partner (so glad to be wrong). Perhaps try and explain your decision. But I think waiting to tell him is only going to make it harder on you emotionally. Having this secret between you must be exhausting, I suspect that the longer you wait to tell him the more upset/betrayed he will feel. Best of luck. And again, I'm really sorry. Xoxo
PogoStick Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 If he does leave you then he isn't worthy of fathering your children anyways. You made the right decision by not being coerced into being a mother before you're ready. I applaud your strength with such a difficult situation. Hopefully he will give the support you deserve. 1
runningfar Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I don't think he will. You aborted HIS child without asking him. He hadn't abandoned you so while legally it was your choice only, ethically it was his choice too. I wouldn't be able to if I were him. You had to know that was a choice you were making when you chose to do this. I'm a woman but putting myself in his place, I would be digusted and devastated - especially since you knew his views ahead of time. Adoption would have also been a choice that would not have left him feeling like that... or at least tell him before you go and do it thinking it's easier to ask forgiveness.
Toddbt12y1 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I do not think this will end well for you, OP. Your b/f is justified if he leaves you. After-all, he was looking forward to this baby; you didn't discuss it with him, first. What's with this "if he loves her, he will stay and support her?" One can love someone and feel so utterly disrespected, that they leave said person. This is a worse case of disrespect then cheating. Regardless of views or choices, not telling him was a terrible idea. Why condemn him, other posters? If he should choose to leave her? Much like it is her body and their baby, he has a choice if he wills to be with her. Don't you think he will be hurt and devastated? OP..start using protection. That would have been smart. But...expect this to go over badly. I doubt he's going to support you. His baby is forever gone(excuse me..sack of water to some)...and you lied to him. He deserves to know...and make his choice. 1
serial muse Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Heyyyy, waaaait a minute. Do babies start kicking at ten weeks in? I think they do not. Pregnant ladies: Confirm/deny? You don't feel baby kicks until at least 20 weeks. If your BF felt kicks, trust me, it was just your stomach gurgling. The baby at ten weeks is little more than the size of a prune. No way can 'baby kicks' be felt. Exactly. Nor can they be "heard". OP, care to clarify this?
crederer Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I have been in a similar situation. Same age and same kind of stuff happened. The difference is that I'm a male. My girl went ahead with it and told me after. I was furious. It was the right decision for us, and I would have completely supported her with it, I was thinking before hand that it would be best to terminate the pregnancy. But the fact she did it without speaking with me in detail or telling me that she's made a decision on such a huge issue made me feel she wasn't the kind of girl I want to be with. 2
HonestNeurotic Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 This isn't the guy for you. If it were, you wouldn't have this dilemma. It really has nothing at all to do with who is right or who is wrong in how they feel or think about abortion. It has to do with being from two extreme dichotomies. i.e., if you have to hide who you are from the other, because showing yourself would make them leave you, then you are just not in the right relationship for long term. And no way is a baby kicking at 10 weeks. Closer to 20 as another poster stated. Well - they might be kicking, but it's certainly nothing felt by the mother yet.
Eclypse Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 This is a really big thing. You should have told him beforehand, or at the latest the following day (far from ideal). It's your body and your decision, but he should have had some input. I take it your communication isn't great?
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