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Posted

This is my first post here...

I'm not sure what I'm even going to say.

I separated from my husband 2 months ago however we had been living in separate bedrooms & it had been over for months. At the same time I started seeing a married man. We used to speak several times a day, & in the morning we would text each other & before bed, and often through the day.

I knew it couldn't go anywhere as he was married however I thought perhaps he came into my life to give me the strength to leave my unhappy marriage. I thought he was a nice distraction.

He became my escape from reality & it now feels like the only time I am happy is when I am seeing him. He makes me forget my problems & I feel like I'm almost another person around him. The problem is when I'm not around him I am left feeling quite incomplete. & like nothing brings me happiness. I know how pathetic that sounds but it's true.

Another issue is our contact has dropped to nearly nothing, maybe a quick phone call each day & we catch up when we can. Gone are the sweet cutesy sexy messages that used to uplift me. I miss it. Why is my happiness dependant on getting a text message from this guy? Why have I let myself get into this situation.

He still has a life with his wife & friends and here I am needing to focus on my own life & rebuilding friendships & hobbies etc, and instead I find myself focusing on this guy, despite me knowing I shouldn't.

 

Any comments would be appreciated. I just feel quite miserable. I wish I could see the relationship for what it is, which is a friends with benefits type arrangement & nothing more. But because only a few weeks ago he was so much more interested & sent me longing messages etc, I just wonder why it's all stopped. Was he grooming me to become his convenient girl on the side by starting out all full on then slowly scaling it back so I'm sitting here waiting & it involves zero effort from him to maintain the situation.

  • Like 1
Posted
Was he grooming me to become his convenient girl on the side by starting out all full on then slowly scaling it back so I'm sitting here waiting & it involves zero effort from him to maintain the situation.

 

The fact that there's no question mark in this question speaks for itself. I've been the other girl (it was a poly-amorous situation, but still) and some guys simply want to have another girl around. You've been led on, and now he's scaling back. Whether that's due to his wife suspecting something, or simply because he's disinterested now, is irrelevant.

 

Please have more respect for yourself and remove yourself from the situation. Your heart might hurt for a bit, but it's worth it in the end. Don't ever be a lapdog. You're worth more than that.

Posted

I feel your pain and your longing because I've been there before. I'm sorry that you feel that way.

 

No one knows the real reason, but yes, it does send you a message that he's not into that anymore. I hope that in time you will heal. He's not worth it because you will always be the second best. Of course it's just normal to feel great in the beginning, but now it's gone and you have to find something to fill that void. Hope you find it! Hugs to you.

Posted
He became my escape from reality & it now feels like the only time I am happy is when I am seeing him

 

You're codependent and that's not a good thing. Relying on someone else to make you feel good and happy has messed you up.

 

Cold turkey is the only way to deal with this. End it and seek counseling. Read up on all that you can about codependency. You used this man to run away from your own issues, hoping it would help, instead it made it all worse.

 

Was there any chance you and your H were going to get back together or was the separation leading to divorce? Have you told your H about the MM?

 

I hope you can find it in you to end your A totally, it is doing so much damage.

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Posted

Thanks for your replies & I know u are right with what u r saying.

 

I haven't told my husband about the married man - it would hurt him. I never thought there was any chance we would reconcile but I guess I should never say never. He wants to try again but I'm still unsure & very confused. We have no chemistry or spark & he has checked out of life & has depression, if we were to try again it would need to be starting from scratch to see if there is anything between us. I'm really not sure.

 

The culture/environment this married man is from its very common to have a wife & girlfriend and many of the men do. I thought it would be fun & I could handle it, and for a while I was... But I need more than just hooking up when it's convenient. I miss the texts & cheekiness & feeling wanted.

 

I think I'm definitely codependent. How do you find happiness within yourself? I have lost the ability to enjoy every day life & am so irritable & short tempered with my children. I think I may actually now be depressed.

Posted

 

I think I'm definitely codependent. How do you find happiness within yourself? I have lost the ability to enjoy every day life & am so irritable & short tempered with my children. I think I may actually now be depressed.

 

It does sound like you are depressed. Please seek help. I've been depressed before and I took meds for a year or two. You will get better!

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Posted

I'm scared of taking the medication & feeling worse. I was depressed a few years ago & prescribed Zoloft - I only managed to take one tablet & I felt terrible & gave up. I don't think I could handle feeling physically ill for weeks while the medication settles down, on top of already feeling so ordinary emotionally. Does that make sense?

Posted

Two questions:

What culture is this man from, that permits 'wives AND girlfriends'?

 

How old are your children?

 

As for a non-medical remedy, try Yoga and Meditation.

The thing about these two practises is that you're doing them for yourself, nobody else.

 

Too often, women enter into marriage, and lose their identities.

we become 'so and so's wife' or 'Charlie/Mary's Mum'....

 

we form friendships with like-minded individuals - other mums/wives - and find their 'identity problems' are just the same as ours.... And some women thrive on it. THAT is where they 'find themselves': Fulfilling their nurturing roles of wife and mother.

 

Other women don't take to it so well.

And it sounds as if you're an independent spirit seeking validation.

But you're seeking it in the wrong place: Through other people.

 

Your happiness isn't dependent on having a SO in your life.

Your happiness is dependent on cultivating contentment with who you are, inwardly.

 

Take a step back, "away from yourself".

 

Look at 'you'.

 

Do you actually 'like' who you are?

Do you admire you?

Do you respect you?

 

I'm thinking the answer will be 'no'.....

 

What would it take for you to change things, so that you do?

 

Forget 'friendships and hobbies'.

 

These are merely distractions, designed to divert your thoughts into a different stream....

All well and good, but once the friends go, or the hobby is done for the day...Guess what?

Where do your thoughts go back to?

 

You need to be 'alone'.

 

You need 'me' time, because I actually think you don't know who you are any more.

  • Like 3
Posted

I can totally relate. Just a few weeks ago I was 3 months into an intensely exciting A with a MM. Neither of us planned to leave our spouses but we were having lots of fun together. I never planned to fall for him the way that I did but he was very insistent that we became boyfriend/girlfriend. Although he made my life more exciting, he also made it more stressful and worrisome. Whenever I wasn't with MM, I was miserable! Half of my mind was always on him, wondering what he was doing, where our relationship would eventually end up, it was torture. My children, job, H and home became background noise in my life and that *really* bothered me. But it was an addiction, I couldn't stop the affair. It was like an out of body experience, watching myself behave in such a tawdry, foreign way.

 

He texted me all day, every day for three months straight. We met once a week for those three months. We were at the most intimate, intense and sincere point in our relationship when we hit our first bump in the road. Suddenly it was all over. He left. No recourse, no opportunity to work it out, nothing. I felt like I'd hit a brick wall at 100 mph and am still reeling, it's almost been three weeks. There are too many variables to really know what really happened inside of his decision, and I just drive myself crazy wondering. I can't wait until the day when I no longer care.

 

I miss him terribly -- like a heartsick teen -- I miss how I felt when I had him in my life although I DON'T miss the codependent feelings I'd developed for him despite my efforts to keep things light and casual. He ramped us up to boyfriend/girlfriend status and then keep tight reins on me. Then I disappointed him and he was gone like THAT.

 

I'm still not back to "myself" in terms of being able to return proper focus to home and family...I'm in the lingering "fog" of the affair and secretly pining. I've read that recovery can take 3-4 weeks, or years. I pray to God it's the former for me, rather than the latter!

 

As it turns out, the vast majority of affairs turn out badly. We go into them with the hopes that somehow they will make us feel better, be a distraction, a lovely, passionate escape from our realities. But in the end we come out with lower self esteem than when we entered them. It is a very difficult situation.

 

It certainly seems as though your MM came on strong to get you on the line and is now slowing things down to a speed that is right for HIM. Also, if his culture condones mistresses, please be very aware that you are probably not his only OW!! He is undoubtedly keeping himself busy and active on several fronts, with several women.

 

Ideally, (and ideals are often unrealistic) affairs should be mutually beneficial. If the pain outweighs the pleasure, then it's time to end it, suffer through the awful (and I do mean awful) withdrawal period, and move on with your life. As some posted above, you deserve better than to be someone's lap dog. ((Hugs))

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Sweetbella - ouch I really feel for you. I understand completely everything else in life being background noise... Which is awful. I almost feel like running away from my children & responsibilities - not that I ever would but everything feels like such effort at the moment & I am in a fog.

 

When we met I was always leaving my husband, he knew that & knew it wasn't anything to do with him. He has had affairs before where the girl did go bunny boiler however he says he trusts me & knows I'm not like that.

 

Just last night I got phone calls & texts from him again like before. I know he wants me as girl on the side as a long term-ish thing.

I know I need to work on myself & rebuild my life & also learn to be independent & alone. The silly thing is, I don't even like him that much as in, I would never ever want to be with him in a proper relationship, I just really enjoy hooking up with him & the intensity & feeling wanted. If I can somehow just appreciate it for what it is, which is friends with benefits, and stop NEEDING attention in the way of texts & flirtinessetc, then maybe it's not such a bad arrangement. I'm not in any way shape or form ready for a real relationship.

 

I know I'm justifying a less than ideal situation. I wish I could be the girl that just hooks up & enjoys my time with him & is easy breezy & stress free - which I guess is what I have portrayed myself as being.

 

Is it possible to actually be like that?!

  • Like 1
Posted
Sweetbella - ouch I really feel for you. I understand completely everything else in life being background noise... Which is awful. I almost feel like running away from my children & responsibilities - not that I ever would but everything feels like such effort at the moment & I am in a fog.

 

When we met I was always leaving my husband, he knew that & knew it wasn't anything to do with him. He has had affairs before where the girl did go bunny boiler however he says he trusts me & knows I'm not like that.

 

Just last night I got phone calls & texts from him again like before. I know he wants me as girl on the side as a long term-ish thing.

I know I need to work on myself & rebuild my life & also learn to be independent & alone. The silly thing is, I don't even like him that much as in, I would never ever want to be with him in a proper relationship, I just really enjoy hooking up with him & the intensity & feeling wanted. If I can somehow just appreciate it for what it is, which is friends with benefits, and stop NEEDING attention in the way of texts & flirtinessetc, then maybe it's not such a bad arrangement. I'm not in any way shape or form ready for a real relationship.

 

I know I'm justifying a less than ideal situation. I wish I could be the girl that just hooks up & enjoys my time with him & is easy breezy & stress free - which I guess is what I have portrayed myself as being.

 

Is it possible to actually be like that?!

 

I also want to be like that, but I think women get attached because of this hormone that starts with O whenever one engages in the physical act.

Posted
I can totally relate. Just a few weeks ago I was 3 months into an intensely exciting A with a MM. Neither of us planned to leave our spouses but we were having lots of fun together. I never planned to fall for him the way that I did but he was very insistent that we became boyfriend/girlfriend. Although he made my life more exciting, he also made it more stressful and worrisome. Whenever I wasn't with MM, I was miserable! Half of my mind was always on him, wondering what he was doing, where our relationship would eventually end up, it was torture. My children, job, H and home became background noise in my life and that *really* bothered me. But it was an addiction, I couldn't stop the affair. It was like an out of body experience, watching myself behave in such a tawdry, foreign way.

 

He texted me all day, every day for three months straight. We met once a week for those three months. We were at the most intimate, intense and sincere point in our relationship when we hit our first bump in the road. Suddenly it was all over. He left. No recourse, no opportunity to work it out, nothing. I felt like I'd hit a brick wall at 100 mph and am still reeling, it's almost been three weeks. There are too many variables to really know what really happened inside of his decision, and I just drive myself crazy wondering. I can't wait until the day when I no longer care.

 

I miss him terribly -- like a heartsick teen -- I miss how I felt when I had him in my life although I DON'T miss the codependent feelings I'd developed for him despite my efforts to keep things light and casual. He ramped us up to boyfriend/girlfriend status and then keep tight reins on me. Then I disappointed him and he was gone like THAT.

 

I'm still not back to "myself" in terms of being able to return proper focus to home and family...I'm in the lingering "fog" of the affair and secretly pining. I've read that recovery can take 3-4 weeks, or years. I pray to God it's the former for me, rather than the latter!

 

As it turns out, the vast majority of affairs turn out badly. We go into them with the hopes that somehow they will make us feel better, be a distraction, a lovely, passionate escape from our realities. But in the end we come out with lower self esteem than when we entered them. It is a very difficult situation.

 

It certainly seems as though your MM came on strong to get you on the line and is now slowing things down to a speed that is right for HIM. Also, if his culture condones mistresses, please be very aware that you are probably not his only OW!! He is undoubtedly keeping himself busy and active on several fronts, with several women.

 

Ideally, (and ideals are often unrealistic) affairs should be mutually beneficial. If the pain outweighs the pleasure, then it's time to end it, suffer through the awful (and I do mean awful) withdrawal period, and move on with your life. As some posted above, you deserve better than to be someone's lap dog. ((Hugs))

 

This is so PERFECT. Well written. I totally agree!!!

Posted

I know I'm justifying a less than ideal situation. I wish I could be the girl that just hooks up & enjoys my time with him & is easy breezy & stress free - which I guess is what I have portrayed myself as being.

 

Is it possible to actually be like that?!

 

I can relate to a lot of what you've said. when my A started, we were both married and I've since gotten divorced. He did pull away when I was first separating from my H, but eventually realized I wasn't the crazy single girl and it was fine. But, as far as convincing yourself it's just 'whatever' - it ain't easy. I've gone through periods of being 'fine' without him and actually looking at him and being like "i wouldnt even like you under normal circumstances" but then needing that attention and craving our physical connection. but after so long, it's hard to just detach. good luck.

  • Like 1
Posted

EmJ, you don't need meds. The type of counseling which can really help you is cognitive behaviour therapy. Google it. Trust me, it'll help you change your way of thinking and handling things, processing negative thoughts into positive thoughts as well as get you more self confidence to become more independent and not have to rely on someone else for your own happiness.

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