sixshot Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 So I've been seeing this girl for a few months, and I've caught her talking about a future. Ie she mentioned living together etc. problem is, she ruins away emotionally. Sometimes things are great sometimes she barely speaks to me. I don't know how to get her to stop running.
ScreamingTrees Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Why don't you ask her why she's so emotionally guarded and distant, and yet she talks of a future? Why isn't she completely present in the here and now? She should be able to answer..
carhill Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Emotional instability canary. Beware. If the person is young, like late teens, early twenties, more common, but still invest emotions cautiously and slowly.
pyramid Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Emotional instability canary. Beware. Yup. I have done this to people (not to jerk them around, but because I was naive/confused/overwhelmed), and have had it done to me - it's a sign that it's too much too soon, moving too fast, not ready for xyz. Back off & give her some time and space. 1
Author sixshot Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 I'm new to this, typically girls have always chased me, not to sound conceited but its true. I know she has a bit of baggage about past relationships and I'm willing to be patient but the back and forth, hot and cold is really annoying. One minute she wants to jump my bones, the next she won't even talk to me. Its frustrating. I've asked her why she does this but she usually avoids or deflects the question. A friend compared her to a deer while hunting and that I should let her come to me on her own accord but that is the thing. She will come but dart off again.
JourneyLady Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I'm new to this, typically girls have always chased me, not to sound conceited but its true. I know she has a bit of baggage about past relationships and I'm willing to be patient but the back and forth, hot and cold is really annoying. One minute she wants to jump my bones, the next she won't even talk to me. Its frustrating. I've asked her why she does this but she usually avoids or deflects the question. A friend compared her to a deer while hunting and that I should let her come to me on her own accord but that is the thing. She will come but dart off again. I just broke up with someone like that -- I realized too late what was going on and overwhelmed him. I also found out he was an angry type. I'm probably about a dozen years ahead of him in maturity and that was unexpected. He had anger "issues". It's like feeding squirrels. You have to wait for them to come to you... Stick you hand out there and hold steady. Meanwhile you can hold the other hand out too and you might get more than one squirrel. :-)
Archgirl Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Yup. I have done this to people (not to jerk them around, but because I was naive/confused/overwhelmed), and have had it done to me - it's a sign that it's too much too soon, moving too fast, not ready for xyz. Back off & give her some time and space. ^^^^^ uh-huh. I'm a bit of a bolter. Be slow and steady. Consistency is necessary to build my trust and it takes forever. And half of what I'm scared of/running away from is how I feel about the guy. I wouldn't ask her why she is so guarded. You'll trigger her into more defensiveness. Until she trusts you more you'll have to be more indirect so she doesn't panic. Wow. Yeah. So reading this: lets hope she's a bit less neurotic than me
ScreamingTrees Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Jeez.. I could be the most patient person in the world, going out of my way to show to someone that I can be trusted for the long haul, and even I would be burnt out at some point.. Just wondering if I'm on the same page as you bolters.. Say you're more of an all or nothing kind of gambler in general.. Is it that you're holding out for someone you'd be 110% into, to give yourself completely to? And if you aren't sure if this one person fit that description, but could just as easily fit the mould as they may not, and you weren't sure of their intentions.. Is that where the fear stems from? You'd rather invest everything into the right person, but you're reluctant to do it until you're convinced that that person is on the same page? It'd definitely suck to know that this person is what you're looking for, only to realize they're playing you or willing to if you let them..
Archgirl Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Jeez.. I could be the most patient person in the world, going out of my way to show to someone that I can be trusted for the long haul, and even I would be burnt out at some point.. Just wondering if I'm on the same page as you bolters.. Say you're more of an all or nothing kind of gambler in general.. Is it that you're holding out for someone you'd be 110% into, to give yourself completely to? And if you aren't sure if this one person fit that description, but could just as easily fit the mould as they may not, and you weren't sure of their intentions.. Is that where the fear stems from? You'd rather invest everything into the right person, but you're reluctant to do it until you're convinced that that person is on the same page? It'd definitely suck to know that this person is what you're looking for, only to realize they're playing you or willing to if you let them.. To some extent your assessment of fears is right. I think my fear stems more from being stuck in another relationship that ain't great. So I think the bit you're missing is that being a runner ain't necessarily a permanent condition. I'm clearly not ready for another serious LTR yet. As to your remarks about patience and burning out -OP sounded like he wanted advice on how to stop her running, he wasn't asking for advice on whether she was worth the effort. I'd guess because there is more to her/what she gives him than just being a runner, this is just the bit he wants advice on. 1
CuriousKitty7777777 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 She's probably talking to at least one other guy besides you. Most likely more.
ScreamingTrees Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 To some extent your assessment of fears is right. I think my fear stems more from being stuck in another relationship that ain't great. So I think the bit you're missing is that being a runner ain't necessarily a permanent condition. I'm clearly not ready for another serious LTR yet. As to your remarks about patience and burning out -OP sounded like he wanted advice on how to stop her running, he wasn't asking for advice on whether she was worth the effort. I'd guess because there is more to her/what she gives him than just being a runner, this is just the bit he wants advice on. Never said it was. Obviously you can't be considered a "runner" if you're no longer "running".. Of course, I guess I was just offering my own thoughts, as would anyone else here. Not necessarily trying to change his mind, I just imagine most people could only chase or wait for so long, no matter how much they desire the other person.. At some point, they're not going to want to be holding out hope on someone who may or may not come around. I'm sure she may be an awesome person, but if she's unavailable, he can either wait until she becomes available, or at some point decide that if things are not progressing; "hmm, this person is not going to change. Waiting for this person is painful, and they cannot see this. I have to move on for my own sake rather than worry about what cannot be changed.." Perhaps you're right, maybe she'll become more confident in the relationship, but there are plenty of people who just never do.. He won't know which she is, but I think he's got an inkling by now.
ScreamingTrees Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 To some extent your assessment of fears is right. I think my fear stems more from being stuck in another relationship that ain't great. So I think the bit you're missing is that being a runner ain't necessarily a permanent condition. I'm clearly not ready for another serious LTR yet. As to your remarks about patience and burning out -OP sounded like he wanted advice on how to stop her running, he wasn't asking for advice on whether she was worth the effort. I'd guess because there is more to her/what she gives him than just being a runner, this is just the bit he wants advice on. By the way, are you saying that you were fearful that the guy you cared about would not be "great"? That's why you left him, isn't it? Could you really say he was that great, then? Maybe for someone else, but not for you, or else you should've told him you wanted to take things slow.. If he cared, your company would be enough and after awhile you'd be ready for a relationship.. If you just want to fool around or do whatever, that's fine, nothing wrong with that, but if you want to just be single for it's own sake, you could've been friends until you were ready.
tricolors Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I know this isn't an answer to anything, but the comparison to a deer and the situation with the girl reminds me of one of my favorite Kate Bush songs, Hounds of Love. I found a fox Caught by dogs. He let me take him in my hands. His little heart, It beats so fast, And I'm ashamed of running away From nothing real-- I just can't deal with this, But I'm still afraid to be this, Among your hounds of love, And feel your arms surrounding me. I've always been a coward, I never know what's good for me. (well),here I go! Don't let me go! Hold me down! It's coming for me through the trees. Help me, darling Help me, please! Kate Bush Hounds of Love - YouTube
StanMusial Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 A friend compared her to a deer while hunting and that I should let her come to me on her own accord but that is the thing. She will come but dart off again. Maybe you need to catch the scent of another doe. Make a few scrapes around your territory and see if one will come pee in it.
carhill Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 One minute she wants to jump my bones, the next she won't even talk to me. Its frustrating. Over time, it will make you crazy. BTDT. When actions are antithetical to words and indicate unhealthiness in the relationship, accept them. Her actions are her truth. The words are an attempt to keep you engaged. Think about that. Since you're used to having girls chase you, let another do so. Perhaps this one will become a healthy potential when her words and actions match up and indicate consistent intimacy and stability towards yourself. Apparently, today is not that time. Good luck.
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