trying to save my marriage and stop my wife's affair

[Steadfast]

Seperation/divorce as a possible path towards reconciliation isn't a route I personally would recommend.

 

I never said it was.

 

Owl, I like you and your posts are generally helpful, but you don't get it. Maybe you do, but if so, it isn't something you keep in your medicine bag.

 

The point is, death marks the time when it's too late to reconcile. Otherwise, I advise allowing the betraying spouse to move along the path they've chosen; no interference. That leaves the betrayed to sort through it, find their new direction and strive for a life worth living. What, you might ask, should the betrayed do if the cheater has a change of heart? That is entirely up to the individual. For me, personally? I'd rather be approached by someone exercising their free will and desire towards me than to live under the direction of negotiation. But again, that's me.

 

I do have an appreciation for how difficult it is.

 

One thing is certain, that ex-whatever will know your boundaries. If the divorced never see each other again, so be it. No ploy, it's a deceleration. A legal process that frees the betrayed from a broken contract. That's it.

 

You strongly desire to be understood Owl. In that way, we think alike.

[BetrayedH]

Unless you're ok with infidelity in your marriage, I'm starting to come to the belief that taking steps towards separation/divorce is the healthiest response to it. With due respect, how can a BS choose reconciliation as a goal in any kind of healthy way at an early stage before true remorse is shown? With due respect, why such pressure on a BS in the early stages to "choose a goal?" Why should they make such a life altering decision at such an early stage when in many cases the facts are barely known? What message does this send to the WS?

 

I think that perhaps the best message to send is that wayward behavior is totally unacceptable and will result in separation and filing. And then IF the WS takes actions that are sufficient to merit a pause in the proceedings, then so be it. This preserves the self-respect of the BS, instills a natural but firm and logical consequence, demonstrates a very healthy boundary, and avoids any sense of manipulating the wayward via the guilt and shame of widespread exposure.

[Owl]

I'm a firm believer in "getting a goal" because without a goal, most folks just show up here foundering.

 

Without a goal, they just end up reacting instead of acting...and typically end up doing nothing to help themselves or move the situation towards any kind of resolution.

 

That's why I personally am such an advocate of "getting a goal".

 

And at the end of the day...getting a goal...exposure...remaining firm in my resolve...all were what led me to a successful reconciliation. So that's why I'm an advocate of the path I recommend.

 

The beauty of this is that we don't have to agree. I'll post my advice and recommendations based on what's worked for me, others can post what's worked for them, and the people we're trying to help can make their own decisions.

[BetrayedH]

I'm a firm believer in "getting a goal" because without a goal, most folks just show up here foundering.

 

Without a goal, they just end up reacting instead of acting...and typically end up doing nothing to help themselves or move the situation towards any kind of resolution.

 

That's why I personally am such an advocate of "getting a goal".

 

And at the end of the day...getting a goal...exposure...remaining firm in my resolve...all were what led me to a successful reconciliation. So that's why I'm an advocate of the path I recommend.

 

The beauty of this is that we don't have to agree. I'll post my advice and recommendations based on what's worked for me, others can post what's worked for them, and the people we're trying to help can make their own decisions.

 

Fair enough. We can always disagree agreeably.

 

I have seen remarkable success with the approach utilized by Spark, Decorative, and Furious where they pretty quickly detached/kicked out the WS and watched their WS earn their way back into the relationship. No doormats there. And it's difficult not to have my view colored by my own situation where I made an early decision to reconcile and geared all my decisions toward that goal, only to see it fail. While I might still hesitate about indiscriminate widespread exposure (Facebook and the like), I think filing for D might have been the better bet in my sitch and in many others. I think I committed to the goal of R too early (hindsight being 20/20 and all that).

 

Anyway, just musing on the subject. As you said, the OP has different perspectives from which he can choose.

[Snowflower]

I'm a firm believer in "getting a goal" because without a goal, most folks just show up here foundering.

 

Without a goal, they just end up reacting instead of acting...and typically end up doing nothing to help themselves or move the situation towards any kind of resolution.

 

That's why I personally am such an advocate of "getting a goal".

 

And at the end of the day...getting a goal...exposure...remaining firm in my resolve...all were what led me to a successful reconciliation. So that's why I'm an advocate of the path I recommend.

 

The beauty of this is that we don't have to agree. I'll post my advice and recommendations based on what's worked for me, others can post what's worked for them, and the people we're trying to help can make their own decisions.

 

Fair enough. We can always disagree agreeably.

 

I have seen remarkable success with the approach utilized by Spark, Decorative, and Furious where they pretty quickly detached/kicked out the WS and watched their WS earn their way back into the relationship. No doormats there. And it's difficult not to have my view colored by my own situation where I made an early decision to reconcile and geared all my decisions toward that goal, only to see it fail. While I might still hesitate about indiscriminate widespread exposure (Facebook and the like), I think filing for D might have been the better bet in my sitch and in many others. I think I committed to the goal of R too early (hindsight being 20/20 and all that).

 

Anyway, just musing on the subject. As you said, the OP has different perspectives from which he can choose.

 

Gentlemen, as a fellow BS, I think you are both correct.

 

My approach to reconciliation was more like Owl's, but I think the approach any BS takes toward reconciliation (assuming here that reconciliation is what they want) is individual, depending on the personality of the BS, the WS and the situation at hand.

 

The hardline approach that BH supports does work for a lot of marriages. I somehow knew instinctively in those crazy weeks after d-day, that if I had pushed a hardline toward divorce, my H would have likely just gone along with my lead. In other words, if I had handed him a pen and a set of divorce papers, he would have signed because he was too weak and confused to do anything else. I realize I'm just speaking to my situation.

 

I wanted to remain married. Right or wrong, that is what I wanted. So I took the lead and made proactive steps to try to get that outcome. I didn't always do it right but I tried to follow through with what I wanted.

 

I have always believed that while all affairs are pretty much the same, what happens after d-day is as individual as the couple involved.

 

OP, where are you? I hope you are finding this debate helpful as you work through the confusion after d-day. Maybe others reading here are finding this discussion helpful as well.

 

ETA...my perspective radically changes when there is an unremorseful WS who keeps openly contacting his AP after d-day or is making overt plans to go be with the AP. Then, a rapid divorce is best.