eddie1977 Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I am a 35yo man ben married for 14 years, i have 3 wonderful boys one 9 two 3. W have had the typical problems in most marriages money and shared household responsibilities. Also I have had a drinking problem in the past 3 years clean. we have always been open and honest maybe to a fault. I am a very passive person in nature and have always gone along to get along. Here is where the problem lies, as said we are always honest with each other. and sex has never been a problem in our marriage. One night we were talking about sexual fantasies and she mentioned she has always wanted a mfm threesome. So recently we were on a work/vacation and my dumb*ss suggested that this would be the perfect time. We were out of town and would not have to worry about continued comm afterwards. So we posted an ad on CL where we were nothing panned out. When we got home she posted an ad on our local CL. SHe picked the lucky guy and we made plans for a few weeks later, as i had a weekend training event for Cub Scouts the next weekend. After talkin to some friends we talked all weekend i was gone and decided the whole thing was a bad idea and called it off. I have recently found out that they never stopped talking and have been having an affair. I have been on lots of websites and message boards seeking advice on how to stop the affair. Much of the advice has been to expose it to everyone I did not want to do this because I want to save this marriage. I did tell her parents yesterday when I picked the twins up. they knew we were having trouble and her dad said she said she wasnt telling him everthing. He asked me and i told the truth, how it began and how i was at fault in it as much as she. Last night we went on a date and had a great time. this morning I appologized for sending her the signalthat it was ok to have sex with another man by agreeing to the threesome. I told her it needed to stop and told her to call him in fornt of me and end it. i also told her i needed all accts and passwords as her cresibility with me was S**t right now. I also told her her parents knew and I was the one who confirmed ther suspicions. she is pissed and has "gone to a friends tonite. i am looking for any advice, any one who has been through an affair and whos marriage has survived. aA lot of what i have read says to expose the affair and especially to her parents. she is pissed and hurt now. most advise i got said she would be, but I'm really concerned that may have been a bad idea. any help is appreciated
Jonah Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Looks like you've hit some rocks captain. It she totaled? Might have to change course, maybe take some sailing courses and learn how to make some command decisions. A good way to learn is practice. Here... try this one: Get a divorce. Make the decision right now and stick with it. No, don't waver... Make a point of it. Hold your head high, be resolute and strong. "this ain't for me" is a good enough reason. Everyone will understand and you will command more respect than ever before. Just the self confidence you gain would be well worth it. And... as ironic as this may sound, this is the only way to save your marriage in this particular situation. 4
BetrayedH Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Exposure is many times recommended as a way to end an affair. They don't thrive well in the sunlight. That said, do you want your wife to come back to you as a result of guilt and shame? You might want to ask yourself why you would want an unremorseful cheater as your spouse. As well, how long do you think she'll stay out of guilt, shame, and obligation. Your best bet is to ask her to leave, be with her OM, and then you file for divorce. If she stops her affair on her own, expresses true remorse, and wants to rebuild the marriage then you can always halt the proceedings to reconsider. If she doesn't do these things, you're on the way to the divorce you need. And as Jonah points out, you keep your self-respect. As for exposure, tell whomever you need for support through what will be a difficult time and don't feel guilty about it. This was a consequence of which she was fully aware and you have no obligation to hide her secrets. I just don't personally recommend exposing for the sake of manipulating her back into the marriage. You'll find advice here that you can't pay for anywhere else. It's slow on the weekends but I recommend you keep posting. Use the wisdom of those who have gone before you. Some advice is crap. Take what works for you and leave the rest. Good luck, brother. Take some solace in knowing that this wasn't your fault and you didn't get a vote. 4
Jonah Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I am a very passive person in nature and have always gone along to get along. I also told her her parents knew and I was the one who confirmed ther suspicions. she is pissed I'm really concerned that may have been a bad idea. You already made the decision and you acted. Stick with it. Do not apologize for making what you think is the best move in a crisis situation. If nothing else man you must change in this manner. 1
Bryanp Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 How would your wife feel if you did that behind her back? You need to get tested for STD's. She clearly has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the OM has a wife or girlfriend then you need to expose this to them. I believe that your wife set you up so she could have this sexual affair. Why is this not a deal breaker for you? 3
Author eddie1977 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 I told her parents beause they asked me i was tired of the lies and was not going to lie to them for her. She went out with a friend last night and called me on her way home this am she is not qiute as pissed as she was yesterday. I would say more hurt and embarrased.
Author eddie1977 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 I have been watching her fb account from our pc as that has been thier main mode of comm. she ended it with him today. I saw it before she told me she doesnt know i had already seen it. I know that it doesnt mean everything will be instantly better we do have our other problems but it will be much easier to fix them w/o another man in my way 1
Comfortable Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 That was some of the worst advice I have read. "expose the affair to everyone". Sounds very childish to me. Be an adult and work things out. Sounds like she is very willing. Why would you want to be vengeful and tell everyone? It's sounds like you were in a bad place 3 years ago with your drinking. She was still there for you. It shows more about a person's character how they handle hard times in life. It would make your marriage strong if you were there for her. 1
Bryanp Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I totally disagree with the previous poster. You expose the affair to everybody for the following: 1. knock them out of the fog and back to reality and the real world. 2. show them the consequences to their actions. 3. let them suffer the humiliation that they have already inflicted on their spouse. By not exposing you send a clear message that they can continue to engage in their affairs, humiliation and disrespect to their spouse and continue to put their spouse at risk for STD's. In addition, you are sending a message to the other cheating lover that they do not have to worry about damaging and destroying your marriage because you will take no action against them. No consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. 1
Try Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 (edited) After talkin to some friends we talked all weekend i was gone and decided the whole thing was a bad idea and called it off. I have recently found out that they never stopped talking and have been having an affair. You thought about a threesome and called it off before allowing it to happen. She went on and cheated with him one on one when you were out of town. What part of you called it off did she not understand? Since you called it off, what part of her cheating is on you in any way? this morning I appologized for sending her the signalthat it was ok to have sex with another man by agreeing to the threesome. You called off the threesome and she went on to have sex with the other man anyway. There is no mixed signals here. She cheated on her own in defiance of you calling it off. Just because you are too nice a guy for your own good and actually considered it to make her happy, does not give her the right to have an affair even after you called it off. She is a cheater and you owe her no apology. You are a sucker for letting your cheating wife make you feel otherwise. Edited April 29, 2013 by Try 2
Steadfast Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Looks like you've hit some rocks captain. It she totaled? Might have to change course, maybe take some sailing courses and learn how to make some command decisions. A good way to learn is practice. Here... try this one: Get a divorce. Make the decision right now and stick with it. No, don't waver... Make a point of it. Hold your head high, be resolute and strong. "this ain't for me" is a good enough reason. Everyone will understand and you will command more respect than ever before. Just the self confidence you gain would be well worth it. And... as ironic as this may sound, this is the only way to save your marriage in this particular situation. Salvation of your marriage is wholly dependent upon both YOU and HER wanting to be in it. Wanting each other. Not one pulling the other kicking and screaming. Please, step back and look at your situation from a distance. The best, most profound action by you? Complete rejection of the current situation. Not good enough. No sleeping around. No warden and prisoner. Great post Jonah. 1
BetrayedH Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I told her parents beause they asked me i was tired of the lies and was not going to lie to them for her. She went out with a friend last night and called me on her way home this am she is not qiute as pissed as she was yesterday. I would say more hurt and embarrased. Nothing wrong with having told her parents. Being caught up in her lies about an affair is not something you signed up for. 1
BetrayedH Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I have been watching her fb account from our pc as that has been thier main mode of comm. she ended it with him today. I saw it before she told me she doesnt know i had already seen it. I know that it doesnt mean everything will be instantly better we do have our other problems but it will be much easier to fix them w/o another man in my way You have a one-track mind that it all about saving your marriage with your adulterous wife. This is an horribly unhealthy mindset. You are desperate to keep her at any expense. YOU are the expense. You are getting sage advice here. Are you going to listen to any of it? 1
SoleMate Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Most of the time, it is correct that the BS did nothing to encourage an affair and shares no blame. This is a different case.... You opened a door, she got interested and walked through it. You said monogamy wasn't important...she thought it over and agreed. Wherever you go from here, keep that in mind. 1
Steadfast Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Most of the time, it is correct that the BS did nothing to encourage an affair and shares no blame. This is a different case.... You opened a door, she got interested and walked through it. You said monogamy wasn't important...she thought it over and agreed. Wherever you go from here, keep that in mind. Absolutely. Could it be that guilt is factoring into the reconciliation? Honest guilt, not motivated by the BS's words or blame shifting. I see that here. Just the same, love is love and commitment is too. That's why I liked Jonah's post; this marriage is a ship on the rocks. Can it be saved? IMO, her rejecting those efforts means a line has been crossed. Respond accordingly.
BetrayedH Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Most of the time, it is correct that the BS did nothing to encourage an affair and shares no blame. This is a different case.... You opened a door, she got interested and walked through it. You said monogamy wasn't important...she thought it over and agreed. Wherever you go from here, keep that in mind. I have to respectfully disagree. It's one thing to entertain the thoughts of a threesome with your wife to fulfill a sexual fantasy. It's another for her to conduct her own secret affair. She opened the door and chose to walk through it without him and that's where lies and deception come into play. Even in open marriages, there are boundaries and rules mutually agreed upon by the primary couple. That didn't happen here. 5
Chi townD Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Most of the time, it is correct that the BS did nothing to encourage an affair and shares no blame. This is a different case.... You opened a door, she got interested and walked through it. You said monogamy wasn't important...she thought it over and agreed. Wherever you go from here, keep that in mind. I have to disagree to this as well. Yeah, the subject of a threesome was brought up. BUT! He pulled the plug on the idea. Now, in most swinging relationships, if the couple isn't on board with something, and they BOTH don't come to an agreement; then it just doesn't happen. She started an affair. Totally different. Hell, he decided he didn't want a threesome to happen, how is HER having an affair his fault? 3
Owl Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 OP...here's my thought. Get a PLAN to achieve your goals. If you want to reconcile...what are the steps that need to happen in order for this to occur? What actions do you/can you take to cause those steps to take place? Exposure is critical in most cases, as it brings the affair out in the open and causes it to fail. Exposure rarely is the 'cause' of divorce...I've never once seen a post from a WS here who said "Well, I was going to end my affair on my own but then my spouse told everybody about it and now I'm just going to divorce them". Stop sweating the little stuff...focus instead on achieving your goal. 4
Steadfast Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Exposure is critical in most cases, as it brings the affair out in the open and causes it to fail. Can't argue with that. Problem is, the affair is only a symptom of the real problem. That's why I disagree with people who advise exposure to 'save the marriage'. It's like showering and putting clean clothes on a corpse.
Owl Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Can't argue with that. Problem is, the affair is only a symptom of the real problem. That's why I disagree with people who advise exposure to 'save the marriage'. It's like showering and putting clean clothes on a corpse. True...it's only a symptom. But if you want to follow the disease analogy, it's a symptom like a critically high fever...it needs to be dealt with even more quickly than the underlying cause, as the symptom may well kill the patient before the infection can be treated! And as I've said...I've never seen exposure cause reconciliation to fail...but if the affair isn't ended...reconciliation isn't possible at all! So from my viewpoint...exposure most definitely is a reqruired step most of the time in order to 'save the marriage'. It's not the only step...but it's a critical component most of the time. 2
Jonah Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 nothing wrong with telling the truth "telling the truth" ...always the noble catch phase. "Airing dirty laundry" sounds a bit nastier. It depends on the audience. If the audience has some wisdom, this might work ok. If the audience thrives on this kind of thing, would use it for telephone fodder and possibly against one or both partners in the future well that would be regrettable. Think twice before stinking up the place with your personal problems. 1
Steadfast Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 ...I've never seen exposure cause reconciliation to fail...but if the affair isn't ended...reconciliation isn't possible at all! Again Owl, I agree. Still, it's a study of meaning; semantics. An affair isn't the issue or the real problem in the marriage, it's the wayward spouse that decides to enter into it. Sadly, it isn't an 'illness' that one treats with medication...a fever that comes as the result of a virus. Normally we don't have a decision in that, but an affair is all about making that decision. No matter what, those who advocate exposure are placing an emphasis on the affair. Expose it. Destroy it. Make it go away. My thought process involves a different set of priorities. One: separation. Two: divorce. Done. There exists some kind of unspoken rule here that makes divorce a final, irreversible sentence. Like death. It isn't. My ex (for example) was much more open to communication after the divorce than she ever was before it. She didn't do or say the right things, and she needed too. If, that is, she wanted to reestablish a relationship with me. She didn't, but some do. Right or wrong. I'm all about letting people live with their decisions. I didn't 'play it' while we were dating, so it makes no sense to resort to that after she's stepped out and broke her promises. Freedom of choice is a God given right but it works both ways. Agree or disagree as you choose. 1
ladydesigner Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 (edited) That was some of the worst advice I have read. "expose the affair to everyone". Sounds very childish to me. Be an adult and work things out. Sounds like she is very willing. Why would you want to be vengeful and tell everyone? It's sounds like you were in a bad place 3 years ago with your drinking. She was still there for you. It shows more about a person's character how they handle hard times in life. It would make your marriage strong if you were there for her. This is some of the worse advice I've seen and I was told exactly the above from the MOW That I was acting like a teenager, although I'm not the one that needed to be embarassed. My WH and MOW sure were though! Edited April 29, 2013 by ladydesigner 3
Jonah Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 When I did what little exposure I did, it was 2 people who might be able 2 help persuade my W 2 end contact (the PA had ended before d-day). I would agree that exposing 2 rumor mongers isn't helpful. However, exposing an affair isn't about the BSs "personal problems" because it isn't their affair. At least, if they're exposing 2 be constructive and for putting pressure on the affair, it's not airing dirty laundry. And after all, if the affair is so wonderful, why wouldn't the affairees want 2 share their joy with the world? -ol' 2long That's right, gotta be smart about it. 1
Owl Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Again Owl, I agree. Still, it's a study of meaning; semantics. An affair isn't the issue or the real problem in the marriage, it's the wayward spouse that decides to enter into it. Sadly, it isn't an 'illness' that one treats with medication...a fever that comes as the result of a virus. Normally we don't have a decision in that, but an affair is all about making that decision. No matter what, those who advocate exposure are placing an emphasis on the affair. Expose it. Destroy it. Make it go away. My thought process involves a different set of priorities. One: separation. Two: divorce. Done. There exists some kind of unspoken rule here that makes divorce a final, irreversible sentence. Like death. It isn't. My ex (for example) was much more open to communication after the divorce than she ever was before it. She didn't do or say the right things, and she needed too. If, that is, she wanted to reestablish a relationship with me. She didn't, but some do. Right or wrong. I'm all about letting people live with their decisions. I didn't 'play it' while we were dating, so it makes no sense to resort to that after she's stepped out and broke her promises. Freedom of choice is a God given right but it works both ways. Agree or disagree as you choose. Perhaps that's the difference in views then. I don't view divorce as a possible "tool" towards reconciliation. Divorce is it's own, seperate goal. Nothing wrong with it as a goal. But from MY perspective, divorce is a goal in the opposite direction from reconciliation. You can't successfully work towards reconciliation if you intend to divorce...you can't work towards divorce by reconciling. Seperation/divorce as a possible path towards reconciliation isn't a route I personally would recommend.
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