TheFriend Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 hey all.... i am in a very difficult situation right now and would like some advice and opinions from my fellow LS friends. I had started dating again about a month ago(so a about 2.5months after my breakup.) anyways, I have these huge mood swings with how i feel about a particular girl. there are times when i am super excited to see her, and then there are times where i absolutly dread it. In all honesty I am mentally over my ex as she is a terrible terrible person with how she treated me post BU. i feel like heart will NOT let go of the ex however. it pisses me off sooo much, especially because this new girl is extremely appreicative of the things my ex took for granted. the new girl as some past issues which scare the hell out of me.....she was in a physically abusive relationship and now i fear that because i am nice and have 0 violence in my blood that she is going to/ clinging to me because of this... I know its not her fault for being abused, but i also know it really messes people up emotionally..... basically my question to everyone is....do you think my ex feelings are keeping me from feeling anything extreme for this girl, or more the fear of her past?i know thats a question i should be able to answer myself but i honestly have no clue, i feel like a body without a soul anymore and my feelings are sooooo screwed up after my BU. has anyone been able to date and actually enjoy it 100% of the time months after the breakup with an ex? i am so confused..... i hope this post makes sense i am rambeling a bit... PS to be fair, the new girl knows exactly where i am at emotionally... i have not kept a thing from her about the ex, and am very open and honest. thanks friends! The Friend.
DavidSoBased Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Don't judge her for her baggage. That is one of the factors that led to my break up. She may make you the happiest man alive. Everyone has their own baggage. You just need to love that person enough to help them unpack. Don't go into a relationship that you have doubts about. 1
shiver23 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 If you don't feel emotionally available, then you should be as civil as possible and break up. I went through that kind of experience, and sure it hurt when he broke up with me (we had good chemistry, could talk easily) but he also was very much NOT over his ex. So he ended it. If you're just afraid of this girl's past, don't be. If she's mature enough to recognize how it affected her, and move on from it, then I think she's worth your time. Just take it SLOW. You're both still working through things by the sounds of it.
todreaminblue Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 hey all.... i am in a very difficult situation right now and would like some advice and opinions from my fellow LS friends. I had started dating again about a month ago(so a about 2.5months after my breakup.) anyways, I have these huge mood swings with how i feel about a particular girl. there are times when i am super excited to see her, and then there are times where i absolutly dread it. In all honesty I am mentally over my ex as she is a terrible terrible person with how she treated me post BU. i feel like heart will NOT let go of the ex however. it pisses me off sooo much, especially because this new girl is extremely appreicative of the things my ex took for granted. the new girl as some past issues which scare the hell out of me.....she was in a physically abusive relationship and now i fear that because i am nice and have 0 violence in my blood that she is going to/ clinging to me because of this... I know its not her fault for being abused, but i also know it really messes people up emotionally..... basically my question to everyone is....do you think my ex feelings are keeping me from feeling anything extreme for this girl, or more the fear of her past?i know thats a question i should be able to answer myself but i honestly have no clue, i feel like a body without a soul anymore and my feelings are sooooo screwed up after my BU. has anyone been able to date and actually enjoy it 100% of the time months after the breakup with an ex? i am so confused..... i hope this post makes sense i am rambeling a bit... PS to be fair, the new girl knows exactly where i am at emotionally... i have not kept a thing from her about the ex, and am very open and honest. thanks friends! The Friend. i have a plane full of baggage, an ex once stomped on my head so yes i have baggage.......in saying that....i have never clung to anyone...i really dont understand how the equation of clinginess fits in....i have learned to do things myself.....i hardly ever ask for help...or cling.......and from what i have found of the women who have become my friends in the past and present who have suffered at the hands of another......is that we are a fairly independent lot with a lot to offer.......if anything too much in the independent stratasphere........i think you should give this woman a chance ...be open and hoenst as you would in any other "normal relationship" dont see her as a victim......number one i will repeat...do not see her as a victim...she is a survivor and stronger than probably you are..toughed it out against the odds...you have to respect that and shelve the sympathy......i wish you much happiness in love and life......from deb another survivor...good luck...
CC12 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 the new girl as some past issues which scare the hell out of me.....she was in a physically abusive relationship and now i fear that because i am nice and have 0 violence in my blood that she is going to/ clinging to me because of this... Wait, you fear that she's going to get clingy? So she hasn't shown any signs of this yet? If not, it's very presumptuous of you to think she might. Don't think the worst of people. And never assume that a victim of abuse is "messed up." That's unfair. my feelings are sooooo screwed up after my BU. I think this is a really strong indication that you're not ready for a relationship right now, or even ready for much dating. There are things you need to resolve before you get involved with other people. 4
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Friend, i don't mean this as an insult, at all, but it seems you might be fearing your OWN baggage- and SHE should fear it too. It sounds like you need more time to heal. I have learned that you can't give to others until you've given to yourself. You don't want to mess yourself up, or worse, mess up someone else. 1
PogoStick Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 If you're a nice guy and she has a history with abusive men, fair chance she's going to sabotage the relationship. Sounds like you may be doing the same. Have to put in the effort if you want to make it work.
grace777 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 She's been through some hard time, true. But that only makes her stronger, not weaker. If she hasn't shown any signs that she's got issues, don't fabricate them! She's resurfaced after a tough time. Isn't that what we all want to do? It sounds to me like you're scared. Dating is hard after the ex, but don't sabotage what could be an amazing experience. You need to think. Are you ready to date?
Author TheFriend Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Thanks for all the responses guys. I hope I am not sounding like a jerk. I think it's more me that I need to work on after reading all of this. Thanks! 1
cavalier99 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Thanks for all the responses guys. I hope I am not sounding like a jerk. I think it's more me that I need to work on after reading all of this. Thanks! Ive started dating a girl after almost 7 months NC. Any time you enter a new realtionship after a BU it is natural to question if it is a rebound or if the relationship with your ex is playing a role in your new feelings or lack of feeling. fortunatley for me this had passed quickly. I was getting very indifferent before meeting this girl and enjoying being single. So i can say with certaintly that im not carrying emotional baggage form my last RS with the EX and am ready to be emotionally available and am not confused about things. i know that at 2.5 Months NC i wasnt nearrly ready for a new RS. I wasnt healed enough. My only goal was indifference at that point and recovering. I can see that a new RS at that stage would have been detrimental to my healing even if it was a great girl. I wouldnt have been ready. hopefully you can adjust but is sounds like all this is confusing things for you and delaying your healing. Cav
DavidSoBased Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 (edited) Ironically, the fear of baggage is baggage within itself. The fear of one's baggage stops you from becoming fully emotionally available to the person and makes you constantly doubt the relationship, assuming that their baggage would cause problems in the long run when in fact, they may not even allow their baggage to affect them. It's truly this mindset that weighs on the relationship more heavily than anything. Edited April 29, 2013 by DavidSoBased 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 If you're a nice guy and she has a history with abusive men, fair chance she's going to sabotage the relationship. Sounds like you may be doing the same. Have to put in the effort if you want to make it work. Definitely a much more likely outcome than her clinging. But yeah, it sounds like the OP is projecting his own insecurities onto her. And if he does, those insecurities will manifest themselves. Hell, that's how I got here in the first place. 1
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