Relationships, kamikaze style!

[melvin01]

Hi,

 

Hope its ok for me to post here, and apologies if this is gets a bit long-winded!

 

The basic situation involves me having messed up royally with a woman I've had feelings over for ages. I met her (I'll call her Jane), through good mutual friends, a little under 3 years ago and have been in contact, on and off, since then. We got on well from the start, I felt absolutely electrified whenever I was around her as she was/ is intelligent, beautiful, funny etc. I saw her again a couple of times and, eventually, got in contact with her over the net and we arranged and went on a couple of dates (a bit over 2 years ago).

 

I found her to be great company but knew she had just come out of a very long relationship and was wary of being the rebound bloke. After the second date I got really nervous and didn't ask her out again, she invited me to a house party a few weeks later but I bottled it and said no to going. Contact pretty much stopped then until, a few months later, I saw her again at two friends' wedding (the same friends as we met through). I got slaughtered and made a plank of myself- we chatted for about an hour when I was drunk (I think she wanted to clear up what exactly had happened the months before but I was too drunk for any sensible conversation really). A day or so after the wedding I sent an e-mail asking if she would like to meet up again, she said that no, she was a bit busy (I think she had started seeing someone else at that point), so I wished her well and that was that.

 

Later on that year (2011) some other stuff happened as my Dad got very ill, I lost my job and so moved back from London to be nearer my family home. I wasn't really thinking about relationships at that point and when, in December, I lost my Dad, things got pretty rough.

 

2012 brought more ups and downs, a couple of moves between my home town (where I am back living, short term, again now) and London for job situations that didn't really work out (partly the economy, partly my issues at that point). Through the whole year, although I met several other women, I could never really get Jane out of my head- eventually, just before christmas I asked our mutual friend for her E-mail addy (having deleted everything after the wedding year before) just to wish her a happy christmas- did this and she replied with a really nice e-mail.

 

January of this year I saw Jane again at a friend's birthday drinks - she was as lovely as ever. I chatted with her for a good hour and things seemed to be going pretty well, then for some reason she got a bit cold (nothing untoward was said so it was a bit of a puzzler). I didn't really think anything of it but said goodbye and then, a few days later sent an e-mail to say it was nice to see her- no reply. Over the next 10 days or so I sent her a couple more (short) e-mails, the second of which said that I was going to be in London soon and would like to see her if she was about. Still no reply, fine, I left it.

 

Then last weekend I saw her again at another friend's party. I was talking with some other friends and I pretty much avoided her for the whole party, she said hello in passing and, I was pretty curt with her, said hello and went back to the other conversation. Its difficult to explain in writing but normally I would have been much friendlier than that and we probably would have chatted for a while. She left not long after (not saying it was because of that). Later that evening (again I was slaughtered) I told another friend that I had ignored her to get back at her for ignoring me - the friend (who is Jane's friend first, and was sober) went ballistic and basically told me I need to sort my life out (which I very much do )

 

Obviously, this was a really petulant way to behave but, having mulled it over for the last week, I don't think tit-for-tat spite really explains why I behaved like that. I was a bit miffed that she hadn't replied to me but wasn't angry or anything but I think that when I saw her again some deeper fears kicked in and made me behave like a tw*t!

 

There was never a relationship there but I think the problem was that, whereas she was/ is actually a good match for me in most respects (similar education, interests, politics etc) I could never get past some idealised view of her as this imperious beauty whom I would never be good enough for and who would never really want to be with me.

 

This has long been my problem with relationships- falling for someone inappropriate and being rejected whilst myself showing little or no interest in other women. In this instance however, with Jane, I had fallen for someone who was appropriate, who at least appeared to be interested in me (was interested enough for two dates and further conversations), and who I think was and is great so what was the problem?

 

I think the reason why I was rude to her was so that I could say to myself well, ok she rejected me because I behaved like an arsehole, not because I'm not good enough for nor because she didn't like me. Either of these things may have been true or she may really have wanted to be with me but it looks like now I'll never know. I guess the long and short of this is that I want to be happy so why do I keep sabotaging my own happiness like this??

[outsidethebox]

Randomly encountering someone over a three year period, apparently usually in a drunken state, is not an attempt at "being happy".

[melvin01]

Ha ha, fair comment- my initial post was pretty garbled but I've been bottling things up for a week and had to let it out!

 

"Attempt at happiness" may have been a bit strong on my part, though please feel free to provide a definition for what you reckon does constitute one The point I was probably trying to make as I let all that out was that, whenever I meet someone I really like (as was the case here, exacerbated by the fact that I see her intermittently due to mutual friendships) my lack of confidence/ experience gets the better of me and I stuff the situation up.

 

I find it a very difficult pattern to break, the older I get the more pressure I put myself under whenever I do meet someone nice, the greater the sense of inevitability I feel that it won't work!

[outsidethebox]

I think that's more common than we would hope for. Especially not saying what we could have said or said better when given a brief opportunity or not opening up more to someone who hasn't opened up to us, etc.

 

Don't think it's self-sabatoging in a psychological way.

 

The real problem is you had some feelings for her and didn't act on them, pursue them, even to point of being rejected. Probably fear of and avoidance of rejection which again is more common than we would hope for.

 

Pursue her. It may be too late but let her know you like her and want her. Especially that you want her.

[PogoStick]

I love when people use aliases on LS, because we would all know Sara from London.

[melvin01]

Yeah I know Sara, she's fit!

 

Thanks outside the box, think that being frank with her about it is what I need to do, at least then I can stop beating myself up about it.

 

Cheers